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Effects of the Camino on relationships

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Camino widow

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Time of past OR future Camino
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Dear Pilgrims,

I begin this thread about my experience in the hope of understanding. I have not walked the Camino but have been greatly affected by it.
I welcome your support. I want to know about your experiences. After seeing the movie and spending two years preparing, my husband walked the Camino de Frances. He found the experience physically and more importantly, emotionally challenging.

Lots of issues from his past came up to confront him and in his despair he turned to a young girl for comfort who reminded him of me, his wife. When my husband came home, I did not recognise him and he could not integrate back into life, work or our relationship.

The surprise welcome home party to celebrate his achievement was cancelled as he was clearly not happy to be home and I was devastated to have been cheated on. He sought counselling with no positive result. He said part of him was still on the Camino.
The young girl he had an affair with hounded us and made all sorts of demands of him and this was very distressing. After months of pain trying to resolve things, he chose to end our marriage and left to go back to Spain to walk again. He is still wandering around Europe somewhere trying to find himself, leaving his wife and children at home to grieve his loss.

He says he loves us but he is truly lost. I know the Camino is a wonderful thing for so many and I am even thinking of walking it to try to heal and understand from this.

But the Camino should also come with a warning.
It can be confronting, challenging and traumatic for some and devastating for others.
I would like to know what other peoples thoughts are on this, especially anyone who has had this happen to them while at home being supportive and waiting for their loved ones to return.
Thank you
 
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A post that prompts the need for a sympathy button not a like one. A heart felt cry for understanding. Many of us feel that the Camino helps us to readdress our relationship with ourselves and with God. This is usually a positive thing for the person involved, helping a move forward in life. That it has caused such pain to others is regrettable as is that he now feels lost. I pray that in time he can resolve his issues and that you all can move forward in life in whatever form that might be. As one who has only gained good things from my Caminos it is hard for me to be anything but positive. I know full well the pull of the Camino and the difficulty of equating it with the needs of daily life in the "normal" world and that of loved ones. As I post this I am in the dilemma of being only 4 days away from my next longed for walk but not knowing whether I will need to be here for a loved one instead. To not go will be a heartbreaking decision, even though I have gained so much from previous Caminos. For him, not having resolved things, then maybe taking time to resolve them may provide the answers he and you need. Life and family allowing I would say that it could be a good thing for you to walk. A chance for you to address things and come to terms with what has happened before and since his Camino. My prayers for you in this time of need. God bless.
 
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the Camino should also come with a warning
My heart goes out to you. However, I don't think it is the Camino. It's life, it's midlife which now spreads from anything like 35 to 65, it's the stuff a person is made of and their ability to cope with their past, the presence and how they imagine their future ... .
 
What to say?

I am walking my Camino now, and ponder daily on the selfishness of my being here, leaving my wife at home....

Every day I miss her, and want to go home. We talk twice daily. We are reconciled to my finishing the journey. Finishing what I have started...and hopefully learning from the experience.

it takes courage for pilgrims to undertake the Camino. But even more for those who bid them farewell.....

Thank you for sharing ...... and making us all think about our reasons for walking and the impact it has on others. ...
 
Hello, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I cannot know what you are feeling, or what you should do, but you asked for others’ experiences, so I can only comment on mine. I think it is more usual for the effect to work the other way, that is, a couple becomes closer when one of them leaves to walk the camino alone. One appreciates the other so much more on the return. It does not occur to me in the least to have an affair while I am away. I love the walking and the meditation that provides, and my husband loves the daily challenge of his work.

As the gypsy said in That Movie, (going to Muxia) has nothing to do with religion, maybe this has nothing to do with the camino. Jill
 
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Thank you for your courage in posting this. You seem like a very wise and understanding person, and I am just so sorry this has happened to you. However without trying to sound insensitive, is it not possible that maybe you are being a little *too* sympathetic to your husband here? You make it seem as though he has somehow been the victim of a traumatic camino experience, turning to a young girl "in despair", and now leaving you to backpack around Europe because he is "truly lost". Sounds more like truly *something else*!! Empathy is a great quality, unless it causes us to deny or ignore our own legitimate anger or pain. Of course your husband, like every other human being, deserves understanding and sympathy, but this isn't your job right now! It is OK to feel betrayed, why spend more energy trying to understand things from his perspective, even considering walking the camino to understand where *he's* coming from? What about where YOU are coming from?

Whether we like it or not, we're all already walking the Camino - a.k.a Life. The decisions we make impact others, and we need to take responsibility for those decisions. You can't take responsibility for your husband's choices, but you can be angry about the devastating effects those choices have had on your family: acceptance and understanding are the final stages of grief, you don't need to jump the gun. Cut yourself some slack… be good to yourself, do things that bring you joy. Whatever happens with your husband, it is clear that you have the innate courage to be a truly strong person and mother, and the wisdom and heart to create a wonderful life for yourself and your children.
 
Making any long-distance trek usually separates one from routine responsibilities and distractions, which in turn presents opportunity to recalibrate one's compass, whether spiritual, mental, physical, or a combination of one or more of these.

Making a long-distance trek does not relieve one from one's responsibility to others or responsibility to behave responsibly.

The effect, or fault, of behaving irresponsibly while walking the Camino does not rest on the Camino, it arises from a series of irresponsible choices on the part of individuals.

My return last year from the Camino Frances initially strained my marriage -- not because I had made irresponsible choices; rather, because I walked off and laid aside concerns and frustrations and fears I had accumulated over decades, and returned with a deep, pervasive sense of peace and patience -- which, of course, made me largely unrecognizable for months after my return. My wife and children (and other family and friends) are accepting the changes in my demeanor and faith as genuine and durable, and my relationships with them and God have never been better or deeper.

I imagine your husband will come to his senses one day and realize that walking the Camino was a brief place of rest and restoration for the soul and body -- an opportunity he apparently walked past -- not an excuse to behave like an adolescent on Spring Break and an irresponsible husband and father since.

What a shame.
 
A new member, one post then gone. Does anyone else wonder what this is about? Hubby, are you out there for the flaming?
 
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Sorry to hear the OP had to go through the heartache and BS associated with a spousal separation. Hope she is able to move on from the experience and realize it isn't the end of the world.
A far as the husband goes, my guess is that he was probably unhappy in his relationship and had a wandering eye long before he went to Spain and walked the Camino. That whole notion of the challenges of walking the Camino caused him to seek comfort in the arms of a younger woman is a lot of BS, and just an excuse. If that's the case, where do I sign-up? I've been through some REAL emotionally stressful situations (I hardly call walking across Spain with a backpack stressful. It was one of the most relaxing things I have ever done), and they didn't come with younger chick as a door prize for participating. The two of them hooked-up because they were attracted to each other and he probably made up some BS story to her that he was divorced, etc.
 
Dear Pilgrims,

I begin this thread about my experience in the hope of understanding. I have not walked the Camino but have been greatly affected by it.
I welcome your support. I want to know about your experiences. After seeing the movie and spending two years preparing, my husband walked the Camino de Frances. He found the experience physically and more importantly, emotionally challenging.

Lots of issues from his past came up to confront him and in his despair he turned to a young girl for comfort who reminded him of me, his wife. When my husband came home, I did not recognise him and he could not integrate back into life, work or our relationship.

The surprise welcome home party to celebrate his achievement was cancelled as he was clearly not happy to be home and I was devastated to have been cheated on. He sought counselling with no positive result. He said part of him was still on the Camino.
The young girl he had an affair with hounded us and made all sorts of demands of him and this was very distressing. After months of pain trying to resolve things, he chose to end our marriage and left to go back to Spain to walk again. He is still wandering around Europe somewhere trying to find himself, leaving his wife and children at home to grieve his loss.

He says he loves us but he is truly lost. I know the Camino is a wonderful thing for so many and I am even thinking of walking it to try to heal and understand from this.

But the Camino should also come with a warning.
It can be confronting, challenging and traumatic for some and devastating for others.
I would like to know what other peoples thoughts are on this, especially anyone who has had this happen to them while at home being supportive and waiting for their loved ones to return.
Thank you
To the unknown husband of Camino widow:
I trust that you will read this sooner or later. I dare to write these few words to you from man to man and from pilgrim to pilgrim.
To have a crush on some pretty young girl happens, to all men. "Soul mates on the camino?, Sure. Mid-live symptoms? Yes. A little affair in a foreign land? Well, hmmm, I was there and I understand that it can make a man crazy.
But to leave a loving wife (especially one so forgiving and understanding) and kids is SERIOUS and we all on this forum ask you to regain your senses, PLEASE! Just don't use the camino as an excuse...."the Camino provides", in your case my A....!
Look into the mirror and ask yourself: Is this fling worth the destruction you cause? A little sorry and your family will forgive you, get your life back and be responsible. Be a REAL man, for god's sake.
 
The focus is on reducing the risk of failure through being well prepared. 2nd ed.
The first edition came out in 2003 and has become the go-to-guide for many pilgrims over the years. It is shipping with a Pilgrim Passport (Credential) from the cathedral in Santiago de Compostela.
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