Torn...

[Shefollowsarrows]

Do any of you have a spouse or significant other that really doesn't understand the need to do a Camino more than once, twice, three+ times...or even at all? My husband very reluctantly supported my dream of walking the Camino in 2013. Due to injury I only made it to Leon (started in Pamplona) After home, and injury healed, I wanted to go back and start in SJPP this time. He somewhat supported it, but we didn't talk for a week after I discussed my 'need' to return. I went back June 2014 and finished in July 2014. One of the best experience of my life... as I have been a mother, wife, and step parent since I was 18 years old and never had the desire or opportunity to leave my family for a month. All kids are raised now, I'm 43, and full of ambition to do the things I couldn't before. My issue now is...I want to go back again. He has no desire to walk the Camino, I've tried that route! I know this is going to make my husband very upset because he worries about me...I know he will get over it...but it will leave me feeling selfish. That drains the excitement of returning. Does anyone else have an otherwise wonderful spouse/significant other who just doesn't get the whole Camino experience and the desire to return? How have you handled it? I'm so torn and it is making me sad and quiet lately...feels like depression..feels like I should let the Camino go in order to make my husband happy...but then I won't be...doesn't settle well with me. I feel it's 'my turn' to do the things I've wanted to do after supporting our children and him my entire life...and he got very comfortable with that...
I know you aren't marriage therapists, but you do 'get it' when it comes to the Camino and I wonder if I'm the only one in this group who has this going on within them and around them. Thanks.

 

[SYates]

Let me see: You put your life on hold at the age of 18 to be his wife, raise his kids and the kids you had together and now you fear to be selfish if you follow for once your own dreams? I think you simply have spoiled your husband by being always there for him and not asking anything much in return. And "feels like I should let the Camino go in order to make my husband happy" HELLO!!! Wake-up call here!!! Start finally thinking about yourself and your happiness. Buen Camino, SY

 

[nidarosa]

I am sorry to hear about this situation, I really feel for you. I know how strong the urge to go back can be and I also know about having people worry about you at home. In my case this has not really been a problem, as my partner and now husband knows I love to travel, that I don't take chances, and he has never once stopped me with or without actually saying it.

One thing I am thinking here is that you only mention that he worries about you, nothing about you spending the holiday time or money, which leads me to think that this really is his problem more than yours. When you were on the camino, how did you manage his worries? Did you ring every day (I do, every morning to say hi and every evening to say where I am and that I am okay and have a bed for the night - he follows my progress in a guide book at home), did you skype, send text or email, what do you have to do to stop him worrying? You have successfully gone there, done it, even with an injury you managed to look after yourself and get home again. He obviously has no real reason to worry, so is that really the reason? Does he have any hobbies or dreams that he would like to spend time doing with or without you? If not, could it be he is really a bit jealous that you have found this marvellous thing you enjoy doing and he is not a part of it? Or does he feel embarrassed that people know you leave him for long periods of time? Sorry, that's more questions than answers but it might be worth thinking about.

I do hope you find a solution that will let you enjoy another camino.

 

[Peter Fransiscus]

Do any of you have a spouse or significant other that really doesn't understand the need to do a Camino more than once, twice, three+ times...or even at all? My husband very reluctantly supported my dream of walking the Camino in 2013. Due to injury I only made it to Leon (started in Pamplona) After home, and injury healed, I wanted to go back and start in SJPP this time. He somewhat supported it, but we didn't talk for a week after I discussed my 'need' to return. I went back June 2014 and finished in July 2014. One of the best experience of my life... as I have been a mother, wife, and step parent since I was 18 years old and never had the desire or opportunity to leave my family for a month. All kids are raised now, I'm 43, and full of ambition to do the things I couldn't before. My issue now is...I want to go back again. He has no desire to walk the Camino, I've tried that route! I know this is going to make my husband very upset because he worries about me...I know he will get over it...but it will leave me feeling selfish. That drains the excitement of returning. Does anyone else have an otherwise wonderful spouse/significant other who just doesn't get the whole Camino experience and the desire to return? How have you handled it? I'm so torn and it is making me sad and quiet lately...feels like depression..feels like I should let the Camino go in order to make my husband happy...but then I won't be...doesn't settle well with me. I feel it's 'my turn' to do the things I've wanted to do after supporting our children and him my entire life...and he got very comfortable with that...
I know you aren't marriage therapists, but you do 'get it' when it comes to the Camino and I wonder if I'm the only one in this group who has this going on within them and around them. Thanks.

Hy , as SY said . I also think you have to wake up , and do this for yourself. I wish you an happy and a Buen Camino, Peter.

 

[bystander]

TammyLynn - you are a 43 year old adult and an individual capable of making your own decisions.
Two questions:
Are you being selfish in wanting to do this? - ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is he being selfish in implying by sulky silence that he doesn't want you to do this? - You already know the answer to this........
My advice?
Go for it, TammyLynn, go for it!

 

[LesBrass]

Hi Tammy - my husband is great... my best friend and just a very decent chap. But, he's not keen on this Camino business at all!

The first time I walked was something I felt I had to do... I had cancer and the camino was my way of saying I'm alive. But, like you I want to return... I'd go tomorrow if I could! Like you I'm parent and step parent and our youngest is 16 (and a half!). So when I walked last year my husband had to do all the school runs, all the carrying and fetching and cooking and shopping and washing and he also held down his job. I know he missed me, I had to chat everyday with him... he was bored too without me and of course he was always worried... I still take medication to supress my cancer, I still get odd symptoms so of course he was worried... I missed them both too!

But... I did it and he coped and now I want to walk again. I have a couple of weeks in April although I could go in March... but I know he would not be happy for me to dissappear for another 5 weeks so soon. However we have decided to walk the Camino Inglesa together instead... he really seems to be coming round to the idea. The compromise, no shared dorms unless there is no other option... but I reckon once he gets on the road he'll find the dorms/albergues are fine.

He really was totally against walking so I started with him walking a couple of days but this has now grown to 6 days. Next year I am planning another camino (Via de la Plata) and I will be away 7-8 weeks and he is already suggesting that he comes for a week or two (or three of four).

I do feel a bit selfish going off on my camino - It's not the cheapest occupation, and it's a big chunk of time. It's hard being the one at home alone and he says he's lost without me... but I reckon we all reach a point in our lives where we need to be a little selfish.

This is a bit of a ramble but I just wanted to say I totally understand where you're coming from and I do really believe you should make some plans... but maybe drip feed him the odd idea of a joint trip to spain/europe?

good luck!

EDIT - I should have mentioned we have a campervan so when I do the Via de la Plata my husband is thinking he'll follow me in the van. He can't take 4 weeks off from work but as long as he has wifi he can work anywhere... and our youngest will be 18 so 4 weeks together is viable.

 

[C clearly]

Your quandary relates to much broader issues than simply the Camino. Your entire adult life has been devoted to and in company with your family, possibly in a fairly typical way. Over the years, I have learned that every marriage is different, and each couple should find what works for them. Following others' expectations (i.e. "typical") often leaves one or both partners dissatisfied. My husband and I were independent adults before we married, but then I became accustomed to viewing the world through the eyes of a mother. When our 3 kids left home I wondered if I would enjoy travel on my own. It turned out that I enjoy it more now. My husband isn't interested in travelling much, especially not the Camino, but we are both very self-sufficient and actually enjoy being on our own. Now when I'm planning a trip, I toss out a few hints in advance, give him opportunity to get used to the idea and say he is interested or not, check back with him before I book flights, and then happily proceed. He doesn't even drive me to the airport - he sees me out the door in good spirits, and I take the bus! He is probably doing a happy dance inside, just as I do the same with my backpack on outside.

Other people might think we are oddly independent, but it works for us. Otherwise our marriage wouldn't have survived! I am happy that we manage to enjoy some trips together as well. Last year I cut my camino short, at halfway, when his father died. I thought it was important to show that my priority was with my permanent family and not with the Camino one.

You are into a transition period, and the Camino is a focal point. That makes it complicated, hinting at uncomfortable questions about your relationship. The Camino can be a lightning rod or catalyst for change, which might be scary as well as exciting.

At 43, you are way too young to think you or the nature of your marriage are "stuck."

I don't know if my rambling about marriage makes sense to anyone else, but there it is. (I would NEVER presume to give advice to people on their marriages! I have enough trouble figuring out my own.

Good luck.

 

[Peter Rennie]

TammyLynn, thank you for sharing that. We find ourselves in the service we give to others and receive from others. This is true in marriage and parenthood as well as on pilgrimage. Sometimes we run into a dilemma when we try to reconcile our usual lives with our nearest and dearest and the feeling of being called to something we can't always articulate clearly.

It is not always possible to take our partners step by step along our pilgrimage journeys but we can take them to where they can go. My wife doesn't really "get" my whole pilgrimage thing but I took her to Galicia last year to get a taste and this year I hope that she and my daughters can join me at Monte de Gozo for the last few km into Santiago. The important thing is communication; your husband doesn't want to walk - his call is different to yours and he worries about you. Talk now and figure out the strategies for when you walk.

Don't stop talking (or walking)

 

[Anniesantiago]

You are not being selfish.
He is, if he tries to guilt you out of going.
You've put in your time.
Go.. live your life!
Adventure calls!

GO!
He'll get over it... or not...
but if you do NOT go, you'll resent him and have regrets.

GO!

 

[AJ]

Do not take advice on this issue from regulars on this forum. Why not? We are serial pilgrims, sick in the head and would urge you to do as many caminos as possible no matter what your circumstances. Be warned!

 

[amorfati1]

Do any of you have a spouse or significant other that really doesn't understand the need to do a Camino more than once, twice, three+ times...or even at all? My husband very reluctantly supported my dream of walking the Camino in 2013. Due to injury I only made it to Leon (started in Pamplona) After home, and injury healed, I wanted to go back and start in SJPP this time. He somewhat supported it, but we didn't talk for a week after I discussed my 'need' to return. I went back June 2014 and finished in July 2014. One of the best experience of my life... as I have been a mother, wife, and step parent since I was 18 years old and never had the desire or opportunity to leave my family for a month. All kids are raised now, I'm 43, and full of ambition to do the things I couldn't before. My issue now is...I want to go back again. He has no desire to walk the Camino, I've tried that route! I know this is going to make my husband very upset because he worries about me...I know he will get over it...but it will leave me feeling selfish. That drains the excitement of returning. Does anyone else have an otherwise wonderful spouse/significant other who just doesn't get the whole Camino experience and the desire to return? How have you handled it? I'm so torn and it is making me sad and quiet lately...feels like depression..feels like I should let the Camino go in order to make my husband happy...but then I won't be...doesn't settle well with me. I feel it's 'my turn' to do the things I've wanted to do after supporting our children and him my entire life...and he got very comfortable with that...
I know you aren't marriage therapists, but you do 'get it' when it comes to the Camino and I wonder if I'm the only one in this group who has this going on within them and around them. Thanks.

tammy - hope you won't get discouraged by your husband not 'understanding' or getting it. or even by your own 'fear' of being 'selfish'.
i never 'understood' the call to the camino either ... become it comes from an entire different level and doesn't have much to do with 'logic' or such.
your inner 'pull' to the camino is something that i'd encourage you to pay attention to.... and perhaps you/your husband can come to view it as something that isn't AGAINST him or family, but FOR you. And it is NOT selfish ... but it speaks of love-of-self.
it appears it's your time to claim time to attend to soul matter. (and yes, full disclosure here, i am one of those humans who lives life from a 'soul centre-ed' way. and it doesn't necessarily tie in with 'religion' as such) -
usually we neglect/dismiss those inner callings at great expense at our well being and serenity. Not going (i.e. not following those soul-calls) will ultimately become more 'costly' than going. Feeling to walk the camino again is a vote FOR you, and not against your husband. If he would insist on guilt-triping you, or tying invisble cords around you with this 'i worry about you' statement (as if worry ever was useful for anything) ... it might be a very suitable marriage-review-time, regardless of camino/no-camino.
perhaps your husband feels pushed beyond his comfort zone ... so, let him excercise some of those muscles as well ;-)
very best wishes!

 

[WandererJolie]

I had been worried that my newly-forming Camino-bug was me being selfish. It quite distressed me to think that my need to go walk for a month or two without my husband was selfish, and I talked at length with my counsellor about it. I finally decided (with her help) that it is not selfishness, but "self-full-ness" (in the spirit of mindfulness, etc.). If it fulfills you, makes you a better, whole person, how can it be selfish?
My own two cents, maybe not worth a whole lot, but I spent some time on this idea myself.
Buen Camino. Be well.

 

[david townsend]

My wife and I have yet to make our Camino journey. We intend to do it together however, we tend to prefer being together. I like to use the reference of the television. She has shows that she likes to watch and I have shows that I like to watch, but sometimes they do not co mingle. When we are together, I frequently hear the question "is there anything on that we both like?"

We don't get truckloads of vacation time. We both work hard and when we do have our 14 allocated days of vacation, we've found that there are so many adventures still left in this world that "we both like", that we nearly always choose one that allows us to share the moment. We are not tied at the hip by any means. We frequently are out on our own having dinner or drinks with our individual friends, but working 50 weeks a year so that we can have two weeks off has made the short vacations so precious that we have typically chosen each other over individual desired quests.

As I'm the only one that seems to see your husbands perspective on this scenario, I'm bracing myself for the verbal abuse that likely will be hurled my direction.

 

[Peter Aulbury]

Ok....thats quite interesting, I hope you can come to terms with your current situation. I too, feel the Camino calling, and so does my wife, but she has committed to do some serious grandchildren minding for our family this coming year. I am older than her, and I feel my clock ticking. We cycled from Pamplona to Santiago last year...a wonderful experience, and the call to go again has been with me ever since I returned to Oz. We both reckon that we would like to attempt the walk from SJPdP. She is very supportive and says to me...go by all means, but I feel a bit guilty, leaving her at home with all those nappies (diapers). We have worked and lived together since 1980, and seem to do everything together. I enjoy her company, after all she is my best friend in all the world...she says GO, so what am I waiting for. I've bought the pack, the boots, the poles too....I need to start training soon, and walking long walks to test my feet and knees. I think that I will probably go by myself this coming year. It will be very different to the 2 weeks it took us to bike it together. I reckon I might take it slow...so maybe 6 or 7 weeks. I do agree with other comments above that you need to do your Camino for you. I do not think your husband wants to make you unhappy, he needs to understand that this is something you need to do for your fulfillment. If he can bid you goodbye with a smile, that would be a great gift for him to give you. Good luck and Buen camino.

 

[DurhamParish]

TammyLynn, I don't think I can give any advice, but I will briefly tell you my situation and you may take from it what might be helpful for you. Did my first Camino 2 and a half years ago (Portuguese from Porto). I had my wife fly into Santiago to spend a few days with me there. She really enjoyed it and also found it revealing to see pilgrims arriving along with meeting some of my fellow travelers (but that's another story . I did another Camino last year, the first half of the Frances.

My wife really couldn't and wouldn't do a Camino where she had to walk hundreds of miles with a backpack and stay in albergues. But in April, she, and four of our best friends will join me on a Guided Camino from Sarria to Santiago. My wife and our friends are ecstatic over the upcoming experience. I think when they get to Santiago, they will truly understand my "acute Caminoitis".

Our tour organizer. http://marlycamino.com/

 

[bystander]

As I'm the only one that seems to see your husbands perspective on this scenario, I'm bracing myself for the verbal abuse that likely will be hurled my direction.

That is a little unfair.
I think the "perspective" remains the same whether we are talking of the husband or the wife.
I think, in nearly every comment here, you could reverse the genders (husband/father, wife/mother) in those comments and the suggestions/advice would remain the same

 

[Al the optimist]

Oh the joys of being a retired divorcee! (I might add that I encountered the Camino after such an event.) But I can easily empathise with the various situations posted. My only input is that I am grateful for the inner peace that it Caminos have helped me attain. The changes wrought in me affect my relationship with others (as all changes do), especially those near and dear. I truly believe that these changes I have experienced are positive ones and for the betterment of us all. Did you also change after the first time? Did your husband like any such changes? Is he frightened, not just for your safety, not just for himself, but maybe for your future relationship? Maybe he loves you so much he is scared. May you be wise in your decisions and in your approach to the resolution of your dilemma. God bless.

 

[Scott Sweeney]

I think I understand your husbands situation, I will assume he is your age or there about, the two of you find your home empty,you are each growing in different ways. If he is close to your age and you both not retired and doing well he must remain home to work. He did understand and went along with your need to go on pilgrimage twice. Perhap you are being a little selfish, it sounds like he has also dedicated much of his life to family. The Camino should draw hearts together not apart. Finding your self with an empty nest and being very active in your mid 40s can be a very dangerous place to be for a couple. If he compromised with you twice maybe its time to find something you both can share. Perhaps incorporate a nice vacation to Spain or France and walk only a day or two with him then become tourists together. I don't believe the intent of the Camino de Santiago is to become a wedge between two hearts. This forum is invaluable when it comes to tips about walking the Camino but relationship answers.... Hmmm what do you want to hear. (I'm not sure raising a family is putting your life on hold, raising a family is one of life's greatest Camino's.)

As for myself I can not imagine wanting to take another step on the Camino without her beside me, the gift of pilgrimage would mean little without her there to share.

 

[Scott Sweeney]

Oh the joys of being a retired divorcee! (I might add that I encountered the Camino after such an event.) But I can easily empathise with the various situations posted. My only input is that I am grateful for the inner peace that it Caminos have helped me attain. The changes wrought in me affect my relationship with others (as all changes do), especially those near and dear. I truly believe that these changes I have experienced are positive ones and for the betterment of us all. Did you also change after the first time? Did your husband like any such changes? Is he frightened, not just for your safety, not just for himself, but maybe for your future relationship? Maybe he loves you so much he is scared. May you be wise in your decisions and in your approach to the resolution of your dilemma. God bless.[/QUOTE


Very wise Al

 

[hecate105]

If he does not want to walk - perhaps he would still enjoy the culture/food/scenery of Spain. Maybe get a camper so he can spend his days as he wishes and you meet up some evenings or all of them? Or he could stay somewhere along your route so you meet up for a rendezvous and spend some days together. If he just does not want to go at all - then I think you have to see if there is something that he would love to do or experience that he could do instead - so that you both get some balance. My husband is leaving in a couple of days to go backpacking in Nepal, much as I would enjoy the culture and people, I am rubbish with heights and would not go trekking. So he is off to the mountains and - after tidying my library - me and the dog are going to wander around Wiltshire/Hampshire looking at stone circles and churches - much more fun!

 

[david townsend]

That is a little unfair.
I think the "perspective" remains the same whether we are talking of the husband or the wife.
I think, in nearly every comment here, you could reverse the genders (husband/father, wife/mother) in those comments and the suggestions/advice would remain the same

if the husband was writing the post, and his wife was at home having difficulty with his 3rd camino, I would be agreeing with the wife.

 

[Shefollowsarrows]

Thank you ALL for taking the time to respond to my post...It really means a lot to me. I should have been a bit more clear about my husband and his lack of interest in joining me on the Camino. While he has no desire to do it, he also has no opportunity either because of the work he does. He is working 6 days a week/10 hour days while I have been on the Camino and I think the stress of that combined with me being gone brings out some jealousy and resentment in him. Naturally, right?! The first Camino I went on I called home a couple times a week and that seemed to be enough. I really made it clear to my entire family I needed this space and time for me and contact would be spotty. The second time I went I blogged every day and called home once a week. My family enjoyed that, since they were assured every morning when they woke up that I was ok. The deal is, my husband is a workaholic who doesn't take time for even a vacation some years. He has lost 4 weeks of vacation in the last 2 years because he doesn't like leaving his accounts to anyone to manage. He is an amazingly hard worker who has provided so much for our family and I am truly grateful I married such a good, reliable man. I have been understanding when it comes to his work...but now that I don't have children home, I'm not willing to give up my dreams for my work (I work full time for a boss that encourages me to do things like the Camino!) or my husband. If he doesn't want to go, that doesn't mean I shouldn't. I think the Camino threatens him to be completely honest. I think he thinks I will meet someone who enjoys the same things as I do and I will leave him. The last thing I have looked for on my Caminos is finding love with someone else. I don't believe it is possible to find what I am looking for on the Camino if I'm being dishonest or deceitful. I have seen it happen on the Camino and all I could think was that I've come to let go of some of the trauma I've had and bad choices I have made in my 43 years and the last thing I want is to load my pack with stuff I'd feel bad about. Counterproductive in my opinion. But to each their own. I've communicated this to him in length. Eventually, he has driven me to the airport both times, sending me off with a kiss and a smile. In the end he's supported me, but it's the getting there that's tough. He's not used to this person. And neither am I! But I love her! I am confident I will be back to the Camino, I can't ignore the pull. I just need to let go of the fear of conflict this will cause for a week or so. He knows I love him, and he knows how much I really miss him when I'm gone, and he knows I'm not looking to find someone else. It'll work out, I have faith. Thank you so very much for your heartfelt comments...there are some really wonderful people in this group..I knew I asked the the right people when I opened up this post this morning and began reading. It actually gave me strength and brought tears to my eyes all at the same time!

 

[cher99840]

This sounds more like a relationship issue than a Camino issue. We all play a role in our relationships. There is nothing wrong with those roles changing, but both parties need to be on board with the changes, and they are the only two that can work it out. I could speak about what works for me, but why bother, as it has zip to do with what might or might not work for someone else.

 

[SYates]

Seems your husband and you are on the right way (camino) then ;-) Just give him a bit time, drip new camino-plans slowly to him and tell him he is the only man you ever wanted and you both will be happy empty-nesters enjoying their free times in slightly different ways. Buen Camino! SY

 

[DurhamParish]

The deal is, my husband is a workaholic who doesn't take time for even a vacation some years. He has lost 4 weeks of vacation in the last 2 years because he doesn't like leaving his accounts to anyone to manage.

At times in my career (I'm retired now) I have worked long hours in this manner. I might be wrong, but I firmly believe that he works like this because it is something he chooses to do. I know I did. Mostly I was in the office by myself on those Saturdays and evenings. His desire to work like this should not play a factor in precluding you pursuing your desire to walk the Camino.

 

[ladywalker#1]

Do any of you have a spouse or significant other that really doesn't understand the need to do a Camino more than once, twice, three+ times...or even at all? My husband very reluctantly supported my dream of walking the Camino in 2013. Due to injury I only made it to Leon (started in Pamplona) After home, and injury healed, I wanted to go back and start in SJPP this time. He somewhat supported it, but we didn't talk for a week after I discussed my 'need' to return. I went back June 2014 and finished in July 2014. One of the best experience of my life... as I have been a mother, wife, and step parent since I was 18 years old and never had the desire or opportunity to leave my family for a month. All kids are raised now, I'm 43, and full of ambition to do the things I couldn't before. My issue now is...I want to go back again. He has no desire to walk the Camino, I've tried that route! I know this is going to make my husband very upset because he worries about me...I know he will get over it...but it will leave me feeling selfish. That drains the excitement of returning. Does anyone else have an otherwise wonderful spouse/significant other who just doesn't get the whole Camino experience and the desire to return? How have you handled it? I'm so torn and it is making me sad and quiet lately...feels like depression..feels like I should let the Camino go in order to make my husband happy...but then I won't be...doesn't settle well with me. I feel it's 'my turn' to do the things I've wanted to do after supporting our children and him my entire life...and he got very comfortable with that...
I know you aren't marriage therapists, but you do 'get it' when it comes to the Camino and I wonder if I'm the only one in this group who has this going on within them and around them. Thanks.

Tammy Lynn,
I have always loved the serenity of the outdoors and nature but I married a city boy born and raised in Detroit and definitely not a naturalist by a long shot. Like you for the last 27 years I have taken care of him, raised my 2 daughters, and taught elementary school for 17 years. I've loved every minute, but when we were done raising the kids I wanted to concentrate on what I wanted for the rest of my days. My husband has been a loyal husband and dad but the only outdoor activity I got was on the golf course. I've had strong desires to return to the adventure seeking of my youth for the last several months. I'm a catholic also who loves learning about the history of the Faith so when I read about the Camino I became obsessed. I was afraid to tell my husband and still haven't told my girls but since he takes an extensive golf trips with his guys for the last 27 years he was open to it. I don't think he believed I'd do it, but he also knew what I'd say if he said no. I booked my flight today. If you are not happy, neither will your family be. I really believe el Camino is a calling. And since so many pilgrims return again and again, it obviously is also an experience of healing as well. Women need time to get in touch with themselves again after taking care of others (happily) for so many tears . Go. You deserve it, and it will be best for your husband. He will appreciate you all the more each time you go, Buen camino. Ladywalkwe1

 

[julie]

I think the Camino threatens him to be completely honest. I think he thinks I will meet someone who enjoys the same things as I do and I will leave him. The last thing I have looked for on my Caminos is finding love with someone else. I don't believe it is possible to find what I am looking for on the Camino if I'm being dishonest or deceitful. I have seen it happen on the Camino and all I could think was that I've come to let go of some of the trauma I've had and bad choices I have made in my 43 years and the last thing I want is to load my pack with stuff I'd feel bad about. Counterproductive in my opinion. But to each their own. I've communicated this to him in length. Eventually, he has driven me to the airport both times, sending me off with a kiss and a smile. In the end he's supported me, but it's the getting there that's tough. He's not used to this person. And neither am I! But I love her! I am confident I will be back to the Camino, I can't ignore the pull. I just need to let go of the fear of conflict this will cause for a week or so. He knows I love him, and he knows how much I really miss him when I'm gone, and he knows I'm not looking to find someone else. It'll work out, I have faith.

TammyLyn, your concerns sound so much like mine did in the beginning. I know well the feeling of guilt that wanting to go off by yourself after so many years of caregiving elicits as well as the feeling that you are upsetting someone you love. However, this is outweighed by the feeling that you are divesting the layers with which you've covered yourself and, in the process, discovering so much about yourself and your place in your relationships and in the world in general.

This process can be quite frightening for partners as they are forced to adapt to the changes in their loved one. It is not their choice to undergo this process and it is natural that they would feel reticent to embrace it.

When we set off for the first time, we expect that our Camino will be a one-off experience but, for many of us, that doesn't prove to be the case. Further adjustments on the home front have to be faced. My fourth pilgrimage was probably the most difficult one relationship wise. By then, the changes in the pre Camino and the post Camino person were more marked. It involved some tears on my part and my telling my husband that he would love the "new" me (which of course is the real me) if he would only take the time to get to know me better.

Fast forward a few years with my annual pilgrimage now the norm in our household, he has adapted brilliantly to the more open, more authentic me. I had never realised how much my old self censored what I said. What has made an enormous difference has been my willingness to be open and to talk more about the things that he considers "weird". In fact, though he doesn't physically walk with me, he has unknowingly tagged along on my spiritual journey.

Keep the faith! Your desire to go back to the Camino is not selfishness. It's a voyage of discovery and it's quite intoxicating. Share what you learn with your husband, let him see the light in your eyes and he will hopefully understand that your journey is about meeting yourself rather than a desire to find someone else.

 

[amorfati1]

Tammy Lynn,
I have always loved the serenity of the outdoors and nature but I married a city boy born and raised in Detroit and definitely not a naturalist by a long shot. Like you for the last 27 years I have taken care of him, raised my 2 daughters, and taught elementary school for 17 years. I've loved every minute, but when we were done raising the kids I wanted to concentrate on what I wanted for the rest of my days. My husband has been a loyal husband and dad but the only outdoor activity I got was on the golf course. I've had strong desires to return to the adventure seeking of my youth for the last several months. I'm a catholic also who loves learning about the history of the Faith so when I read about the Camino I became obsessed. I was afraid to tell my husband and still haven't told my girls but since he takes an extensive golf trips with his guys for the last 27 years he was open to it. I don't think he believed I'd do it, but he also knew what I'd say if he said no. I booked my flight today. If you are not happy, neither will your family be. I really believe el Camino is a calling. And since so many pilgrims return again and again, it obviously is also an experience of healing as well. Women need time to get in touch with themselves again after taking care of others (happily) for so many tears . Go. You deserve it, and it will be best for your husband. He will appreciate you all the more each time you go, Buen camino. Ladywalkwe1

(as an aside: is it a typo or just an interesting slip: "....after taking care of others (happily) for so many tears ." ?!?)
happy to read that tickets are booked and soon you'll be off...walking, being a pilgrim inside out
very best wishes!

 

[alexwalker]

Your husband is jealous and afraid of losing you. Comfort him.

On the other hand, you have given him (devoted) your life since you were 18: You deserve a few weeks of your own life. And that life is obviously on the Camino. By now you know how powerful The Camino is: You have already experienced it, and want to feel it again. So just go for it. It (The Camino) obviously has more (lessons) in store for you, since you want to return. That is really not much to ask for. A test of the relationship this is: Either he lets you walk your way (Camino), or he wants to own you. The latter is no good.

Follow your heart, and let no other person, husband included, bind you or lock you down: You are you, and your life is yours. I wish you a good one. Pay attention to that fact.

Edit I: Some beautiful and reflected posts above by Ladywalker and Julie, amongst others. Stay alive and live life, Tammy: You are really not asking for much!

Edit II: Forgive me for being frank, but: Ask your husband to focus on life, not work... Maybe he would discover a better world doing the Camino with you instead of spending overtime hours in an office...

 

[CaminoDebrita]

I just read your whole initial post aloud to my husband, who is not going on the camino with me in September....sigh. I tried to get him to go, purchased all his gear to get him set up (he is an enthusiastic outdoorsman and hunter/hiker/etc-er! and had a lot of gear to begin with).

Well. Just a few weeks ago, he announced to me that he just doesn't want to do this. He works really hard with his body (we have a farm and 240 acres in E. Oregon), so it is not that the walk would be too difficult; he just hates the idea of struggling to sleep (with snorers in Albergues) and walking, walking, walking that far away from his beautiful home and all of his responsibilities. And I do get it.

Honestly, I am somewhat relieved that he will stay here and tend to our four cats, two dogs, twenty chickens, and five cattle. Not to mention our very beautiful home on the pond....I just fee glad knowing that when I go home, I will go home to my love, my pets, my sanctuary. I've always been the traveller. He is the protecter. I may get him to go with me in 2016! Buen Camino, and here's to the love that loves me when I'm doing what I love <3

 

[ladywalker#1]

(as an aside: is it a typo or just an interesting slip: "....after taking care of others (happily) for so many tears ." ?!?)
happy to read that tickets are booked and soon you'll be off...walking, being a pilgrim inside out
very best wishes!

Haaaa. That's so funny. It was a typo of course, but even tough I happily took care of all of us for so many "years"-it was with plenty of tears as well. Thanks for the good wishes.

 

[CaroleH]

This is a lovely stream and so full of empathy and understanding. You are all wonderful people. No wonder we love it so...

Buen camino TammyLynn.
Yet another camino addict, Carole.

 

[William Marques]

I think the FAQ thread Those We Leave Behind is worth reading as it deals with similar issues.
https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/those-we-leave-behind.12580/

 

[vgen5122]

Thank you ALL for taking the time to respond to my post...It really means a lot to me. I should have been a bit more clear about my husband and his lack of interest in joining me on the Camino. While he has no desire to do it, he also has no opportunity either because of the work he does. He is working 6 days a week/10 hour days while I have been on the Camino and I think the stress of that combined with me being gone brings out some jealousy and resentment in him. Naturally, right?! The first Camino I went on I called home a couple times a week and that seemed to be enough. I really made it clear to my entire family I needed this space and time for me and contact would be spotty. The second time I went I blogged every day and called home once a week. My family enjoyed that, since they were assured every morning when they woke up that I was ok. The deal is, my husband is a workaholic who doesn't take time for even a vacation some years. He has lost 4 weeks of vacation in the last 2 years because he doesn't like leaving his accounts to anyone to manage. He is an amazingly hard worker who has provided so much for our family and I am truly grateful I married such a good, reliable man. I have been understanding when it comes to his work...but now that I don't have children home, I'm not willing to give up my dreams for my work (I work full time for a boss that encourages me to do things like the Camino!) or my husband. If he doesn't want to go, that doesn't mean I shouldn't. I think the Camino threatens him to be completely honest. I think he thinks I will meet someone who enjoys the same things as I do and I will leave him. The last thing I have looked for on my Caminos is finding love with someone else. I don't believe it is possible to find what I am looking for on the Camino if I'm being dishonest or deceitful. I have seen it happen on the Camino and all I could think was that I've come to let go of some of the trauma I've had and bad choices I have made in my 43 years and the last thing I want is to load my pack with stuff I'd feel bad about. Counterproductive in my opinion. But to each their own. I've communicated this to him in length. Eventually, he has driven me to the airport both times, sending me off with a kiss and a smile. In the end he's supported me, but it's the getting there that's tough. He's not used to this person. And neither am I! But I love her! I am confident I will be back to the Camino, I can't ignore the pull. I just need to let go of the fear of conflict this will cause for a week or so. He knows I love him, and he knows how much I really miss him when I'm gone, and he knows I'm not looking to find someone else. It'll work out, I have faith. Thank you so very much for your heartfelt comments...there are some really wonderful people in this group..I knew I asked the the right people when I opened up this post this morning and began reading. It actually gave me strength and brought tears to my eyes all at the same time!

Great post. Thanks for sharing. Your husband has worked and continues to work hard for you and your family. That being said, you have also given so much to your husband and your family. It is very nice to hear that you two love each other still, but your time has finally come.
I have been fortunate in that my husband wanted to come on the Camino with me. My children were quite concerned that we were trekking for so long and so far. I provided my children with a map as to where we'd would be walking. Everynite I would text them. My text read like a small journal of the events of my day, feelings and the people I met. Then I would close my text letting them know to which town I would be walking to next. If this doesn't help maybe you might arrange for your husband to meet you in Santiago and treat him to a mini vacation. Just a thought.

It is my belief that the Camino has such a strong pull that you have to go. Upon returning you will be happier, reflective, and have learned many lessons about yourself.
I don't believe that people should live their lives with regret. Sometimes regret breeds resentment. Resentment is not good for you or your relationship. Remember that we only have one life to live. Life passes in a minute. Everyone will be still there at the end of your journey. They will be there with their loving arms wide open to welcome you.....home.

 

[CaminoDebrita]

My wife and I have yet to make our Camino journey. We intend to do it together however, we tend to prefer being together. I like to use the reference of the television. She has shows that she likes to watch and I have shows that I like to watch, but sometimes they do not co mingle. When we are together, I frequently hear the question "is there anything on that we both like?"

We don't get truckloads of vacation time. We both work hard and when we do have our 14 allocated days of vacation, we've found that there are so many adventures still left in this world that "we both like", that we nearly always choose one that allows us to share the moment. We are not tied at the hip by any means. We frequently are out on our own having dinner or drinks with our individual friends, but working 50 weeks a year so that we can have two weeks off has made the short vacations so precious that we have typically chosen each other over individual desired quests.

As I'm the only one that seems to see your husbands perspective on this scenario, I'm bracing myself for the verbal abuse that likely will be hurled my direction.

Honestly, I thought you just sounded exhausted.

I get the long hours; I'm a teacher. I get the short vacation time; I'm an American, and we don't get much, do we?

All that said, my husband retired four years ago, and in the time he's been retired, he's gone on many a trip on his own, and I've been on a few of mine. Some we do together. We are exceptionally fortunate, and have those options--and I'm glad.

All that said, I always prefer to be with him. He is going on a three-day wilderness trip, leaving tomorrow. I've been kind of ill, and am staying back. It's okay. It is what it is, for this time.

He is not called to walk the Camino, but absolutely supports my journey and is eagerly reviewing maps, telling me what to wear, and critiquing my workouts (or lack of enough, ha ha!). I'll retire soon--June 10th. There will be plenty of time for them.

Anyway, just a quick shout out and hello, and to each their own. Cheers to the solo walkers, and cheers to the couples.

 

[CaminoDebrita]

Do any of you have a spouse or significant other that really doesn't understand the need to do a Camino more than once, twice, three+ times...or even at all? My husband very reluctantly supported my dream of walking the Camino in 2013. Due to injury I only made it to Leon (started in Pamplona) After home, and injury healed, I wanted to go back and start in SJPP this time. He somewhat supported it, but we didn't talk for a week after I discussed my 'need' to return. I went back June 2014 and finished in July 2014. One of the best experience of my life... as I have been a mother, wife, and step parent since I was 18 years old and never had the desire or opportunity to leave my family for a month. All kids are raised now, I'm 43, and full of ambition to do the things I couldn't before. My issue now is...I want to go back again. He has no desire to walk the Camino, I've tried that route! I know this is going to make my husband very upset because he worries about me...I know he will get over it...but it will leave me feeling selfish. That drains the excitement of returning. Does anyone else have an otherwise wonderful spouse/significant other who just doesn't get the whole Camino experience and the desire to return? How have you handled it? I'm so torn and it is making me sad and quiet lately...feels like depression..feels like I should let the Camino go in order to make my husband happy...but then I won't be...doesn't settle well with me. I feel it's 'my turn' to do the things I've wanted to do after supporting our children and him my entire life...and he got very comfortable with that...
I know you aren't marriage therapists, but you do 'get it' when it comes to the Camino and I wonder if I'm the only one in this group who has this going on within them and around them. Thanks.

Don't feel selfish. You have ONE life.

 

[Albertagirl]

Honestly, I thought you just sounded exhausted.

I get the long hours; I'm a teacher. I get the short vacation time; I'm an American, and we don't get much, do we?

All that said, my husband retired four years ago, and in the time he's been retired, he's gone on many a trip on his own, and I've been on a few of mine. Some we do together. We are exceptionally fortunate, and have those options--and I'm glad.

All that said, I always prefer to be with him. He is going on a three-day wilderness trip, leaving tomorrow. I've been kind of ill, and am staying back. It's okay. It is what it is, for this time.

He is not called to walk the Camino, but absolutely supports my journey and is eagerly reviewing maps, telling me what to wear, and critiquing my workouts (or lack of enough, ha ha!). I'll retire soon--June 10th. There will be plenty of time for them.

Anyway, just a quick shout out and hello, and to each their own. Cheers to the solo walkers, and cheers to the couples.

Deb:
I'm sorry you've been ill. Take care of yourself. You don't want to collapse into retirement too sick to enjoy it.

 

[CaminoDebrita]

Deb:
I'm sorry you've been ill. Take care of yourself. You don't want to collapse into retirement too sick to enjoy it.

Thanks so much, Albertagirl! I'm taking it easy today. I was planning on a rigorous hike earlier, but I think it's better if I just rest. The end of May is always hard for full-time teachers, as there are so many details. It's especially trying for me right now as I am also cleaning out my classroom, and organizing a wedding, and....

Fortunately, I can take it really slow for a few days. I think we all need that on occasion!

Deb

 

[waveprof]

I don't know enough to judge (not that I would if I did) but I'm troubled at the idea that your interests are so divergent that he has NO interest in something so important to you. Personally, just me, I wouldn't be interested in the Camino without my wife. But I also can't imagine my wife not wanting to Camino with me, nor I with her

 

[CaminoDebrita]

I don't know enough to judge (not that I would if I did) but I'm troubled at the idea that your interests are so divergent that he has NO interest in something so important to you. Personally, just me, I wouldn't be interested in the Camino without my wife. But I also can't imagine my wife not wanting to Camino with me, nor I with her

I have to respond to this. My husband has NO interest in going on the Camino with me, as he is not much of a traveller. However, I am most definitely called to it, without him. We have all sorts of divergent interests, but that does not present any cause for "trouble".

--I play the piano, not he.
--I like theater, sometimes he.
--I cook very well, not the man.
--I'm a good salesperson, not mister.
--I speak a few different languages, not the male man.
--I like hopping on planes, not the dude.

You don't have to do too much reading on the forum to understand that spouses have divergent attitudes toward the Camino, but the difference is that some tolerate their spouse's use of time, money, and vacation time; some don't.

Mine does, so I win! So far...

 

[Phillypilgrim]

I concur CaminoDebrita. My husband has NO interest in walking any Camino. It works well for us though.
Walking together is good for some marriages, not walking together is good for some marriages.

 

[3walkingtoSantiago]

Being married does not equal being joined at the hip (for most people - if that's your thing, work it). Walking several hundred kilometers is not everyone's cup of tea. If it's yours and you're married to one for whom it isn't, you shouldn't feel guilty for doing something for yourself. My husband and I happen to share our interest in the Camino (that said, I want to walk it alone one day), but there are plenty of things in both our lives that the other has NO interest in. And why should we? We are two people, not one. Buen camino!

 

[Shefollowsarrows]

It's nice to hear that just because my husband and I don't share some of the same interests means our marriage is in trouble!! I have enjoyed many years of different interests than my husband and in my opinion it has made us more interesting. We have things to talk about at the end of the day because we aren't joined at the hip. It works for us, and in July we will have been together 18 years...to each their own! I will return to the Camino with his blessing and support, just not this year. Thank you all for your support...the Camino calls me every day and those who have been called seem to be the only ones who truly understand that pull!

 

[CaminoDebrita]

It's nice to hear that just because my husband and I don't share some of the same interests means our marriage is in trouble!! I have enjoyed many years of different interests than my husband and in my opinion it has made us more interesting. We have things to talk about at the end of the day because we aren't joined at the hip. It works for us, and in July we will have been together 18 years...to each their own! I will return to the Camino with his blessing and support, just not this year. Thank you all for your support...the Camino calls me every day and those who have been called seem to be the only ones who truly understand that pull!

I can assure you that my 14-year relationship with my husband is perfectly healthy. Viva la difference, I say!

 

[3walkingtoSantiago]

Yeah, it'll be 25 years in 26 days for us and our different interests. And this year we will even get to spend our anniversary on the same continent (we don't usually)!