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2019 Camino Guides

Cyborg Turtle’s Reflection Beyond Post Camino Thoughts

Iriebabel

Iriebabel aka Cyborg Turtle
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances April (2018)
Camino Del Norte for April (2019) possible Primitivo
#1
Addendum: All is well in my world but everyone has moments of weakness and I suppose I am no different. I wrote this back in July 1.5 months after the camino. I was at my weakest and was ill. I’m still feeling less that 100% and tired but much better. By sharing my thoughts my hope is to show there is a good outcome to every camino if we battle thru the pain. On the other side is sunshine. And I wanted to express how this one random thing made me see more clearly. Maybe my experience will help others. I also removed any religious references ...

As always thanks for reading my two centavos.. too deep? maybe:

There are moments in my life when I think that everyone and everything is against me. Moments when I feel attacked from all sides, and moments that I know in my heart that I have no control. I know this happens a lot. It seems that I’m in a war and I don’t know how to win the battle. It’s sunday and I am sitting here watching Super Soul Sunday with Oprah and guest William Paul Young’ writer of The Shack. I have never read the book or watched the movie. Young said “manny things which touched me deeply …faith is the truth of our being. He continues to say our grief for the things that are wrong it’s outside of us. . The way of our being should matched the truth of our being, I always use to say that faith doesn’t cause grief, man causes grief and unfortunately that is the process of humanity. Young said we lose control and that we have always had free will because we were born with free will. I believe this but I never understood why we, as people, feel we don't have free will. How do I solve this. I can see that this, the troubles in my life, is about me not having control over my own life. Question is how do I gain control and except the consequences of my own life choices and reactions. I need to be ok with my choices and not be afraid.

I believe that one day I will be rich, I know I will be but I don't believe I will be famous because I don't wish to be. I will be rich in spirit, rich in mind, rich in strength. It is my free will that will cause me to obtain my goal. I can fail but although influenced by outside forces it is ultimately my choice. I do think that if I continue to live my truth in the image of faith, I will be rich spiritually and physically. The gifts given to us at birth is usually not recognized. I know now that in the universe there is something bigger than myself and I know I was born, that we are all born with a purpose. It doesn't matter if you believe me and maybe I am naive or at the worst delusional. I don’t think it’s random...I now know I have a gift… Maybe now I finally understand why I went to walk the Camino, why I was drawn to it.

I am just beginning to realize that I was born with it, the gift of self. The gift to write , the gift to be artistic, the gift to be rich in spirit, the gift to be empathetic, the gift to be loving and giving. The gift to be tortured in spirit...yes, it too is a gift. The only way that I will ever see the truth is to live thru and thrive because of it, despite it. The truth of my being is I get upset when people are uncivil, non empathetic and dishonest. I feel distrust in everything and everyone. Just listening to Oprah’s conversation brought me to a realization that my being is not dependent on others. I have influence but I must stop listening to thoughts and feelings which betray my true being. Wisdom cannot be found only in despair. It’s is incumbent on me to seek out other forms of wisdom when I feel my being is under attack.

My first inclination is to curl up into a ball to protect myself or feel victimized, but mom did not create a coward. I know I need to fight but how do I find the energy to do battle? Maybe, just maybe my energy is in my writing, my ability to express my thoughts without confusion. With a head injury It only make sense after several million edits but at least it may eventually make sense or does it? I am confused and my mind plays tricks on me sometimes. It’s a daily struggle to keep control of my thoughts. I am not good enough, I don’t belong, I am unhappy. My body betrays my mind, and I am crippled. Depression sets in again and pain surfaces.

Just a month and a half after the Camino I feel myself sinking back into the same old routines. Sitting and breathing in the pain once again. Sometimes I think it’s a test or a cruel joke. I know getting older is not easy and I’m not complaining only stating facts but it’s damn painful. I’ve been sick since I got home this does not help the situation it only plunges me deeper into the darkness. I realize that everyday on the Camino I was conscious of my pain and I refused to live in it. Maybe it’s because I knew I had someplace to go, a goal, a task, a destination . I’m not understanding why I don’t feel like I have a destination anymore. I don’t want to slide backwards but I’m not sure I can stop myself. I realize now that I am at war…. with myself. At this very moment I am trying hard to formulate a battle plan. Outside forces seem to be attacking my senses and I am starting to feel overwhelmed again. I try to handle things myself because I have no help or maybe this is just perceived isolation. I think it’s fear. I am no longer afraid.

Words flow out of my mind like waves in the ocean
Flowing to meet the sun on the horizon
Flowing in to the dreams of the past
Flowing onwards into the desires of the future

I am simple person, a pilgrim
I have wants and needs
I am a creature of desire
And I am slave to my passions
I am now the me I have always wanted to be
I live to smile, I live to dream
I was, I am, I shall be

I have memories of yesterday
and visions of tomorrow
I see when most others never look
I am what few others desire to be
I am the twinkle in your eye
I am the movement in the wind
I am the spark which drives you to insanity
I was I am I shall be

I walk in the shadow of those from the past
And I walk to feed my soul
I see what the world is becoming and I am sad
I see what my heart desires and I am glad
I see the path I must take
I see my feet falling in line
I finally see who I am
I am a pilgrim, a walker, a dreamer, a student, a child
I am a mother, a daughter, a sister , a poet, a friend
I was...I am...I will be...I am who I was destined to be
 
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Camino(s) past & future
Francés ('14/'15)
St Olav/Francés ('16)
Baztanés/Francés ('17)
Ingles ('18)
#2
Your camino continues, and it sounds like a very hard road right now. Heartfelt well-wishing to you, @Iriebabel!
I realize now that I am at war…. with myself. At this very moment I am trying hard to formulate a battle plan. Outside forces seem to be attacking my senses and I am starting to feel overwhelmed again. I try to handle things myself because I have no help or maybe this is just perceived isolation. I think it’s fear.
Breathe, and take one moment at a time, one step at a time - just like on the camino. Even if you feel you don't know where you're headed - life is not as linear as the camino, and it makes itself as we life it. And there's no wrong way to go about that when your intention is love and generosity, as yours is.

(I beg the mods' patience with what follows since it could be interpreted as 'religious...')
I feel distrust in everything and everyone.
This is SO not an easy place to be in. Here is a verse that has helped me a lot when my back's been against that wall:
Let nothing disturb you.​
Let nothing make you afraid.​
All things are passing.​
God alone never changes.​
Patience gains all things.​
If you have God you will want for nothing.​
God alone suffices.​
— St Teresa of Ávila​
I learned of it from hearing this and I hope it is a solace and joy for you, too.
 

Iriebabel

Iriebabel aka Cyborg Turtle
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances April (2018)
Camino Del Norte for April (2019) possible Primitivo
#3
Your camino continues, and it sounds like a very hard road right now. Heartfelt well-wishing to you, @Iriebabel!
Breathe, and take one moment at a time, one step at a time - just like on the camino. Even if you feel you don't know where you're headed - life is not as linear as the camino, and it makes itself as we life it. And there's no wrong way to go about that when your intention is love and generosity, as yours is.

(I beg the mods' patience with what follows since it could be interpreted as 'religious...')

This is SO not an easy place to be in. Here is a verse that has helped me a lot when my back's been against that wall:
Let nothing disturb you.​
Let nothing make you afraid.​
All things are passing.​
God alone never changes.​
Patience gains all things.​
If you have God you will want for nothing.​
God alone suffices.​
— St Teresa of Ávila​
I learned of it from hearing this and I hope it is a solace and joy for you, too.
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts . I am doing well it is ok and I am ok. I don’t know what is in the future .but I made peace with my fears. the Camino helped me so much and I am planning for the Norte next year. I learned I am stronger than the sum of my fears. Thank you again
 
Camino(s) past & future
Frances(2006) portugues(2013)San Salvador (2017)
#4
“Maybe, just maybe my energy is in my writing, my ability to express my thoughts without confusion.”
Iriebabel, thanks for sharing your place post camino. It is very important, and I trust you feel better having got out all this words, and feelings. Right now it looks like you have put your finger on it. You can share poetic space with our other forum poets, to enrich us all! Thank you.
By the way. The Shack. I had to try a few times to get to the end of it. A friend keeps buying copies to give them away to other people!
 
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Iriebabel

Iriebabel aka Cyborg Turtle
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances April (2018)
Camino Del Norte for April (2019) possible Primitivo
#5
“Maybe, just maybe my energy is in my writing, my ability to express my thoughts without confusion.”
Iriebabel, thanks for sharing your place post camino. It is very important, and I trust you feel better having got out all this words, and feelings. Right now it looks like you have put your finger on it. You can share poetic space with our other forum poets, to enrich us all! Thank you.
Thank you. For me It has truly been about the journey as much as it is about the destination.

I have really learned a lot here on the forum I am greatful for all here who give a kind word and help others to have a good camino experience.
 
Camino(s) past & future
SJPP to SDC 2013/14
SJPP to SDC 2016
Porto to SDC 2017
VdlP Sevilla/Salamanca 2018
#6
I am just beginning to realize that I was born with it, the gift of self. The gift to write , the gift to be artistic, the gift to be rich in spirit, the gift to be empathetic, the gift to be loving and giving. The gift to be tortured in spirit...yes, it too is a gift.
Hi Irebabel,

I feel a deep empathy with you. If I may paraphrase your feelings; You speak of life being against you, of having free will but seemingly no control, of having intrinsic gifts (presumably from the Devine), of finding it difficult to come to terms with other peoples’ bad behaviour and how that bad behaviour has a negative effect on you and how you can best shape your own life and choices. You are if I may say so consciously self-aware and searching for some meaning in your life. You are a true pilgrim.

For what it is worth (and it is only my opinion); I agree we have free will, but that free will can only ever be expressed in how we decide to act or in how we decide to react. We have almost zero control over external events and very little over other people (even those quite close to us). Our free will is an exercise in how we decide to live our lives. I suppose in a nut shell, our free will is our opportunity to act or react from a place of love or a place of fear. Our free will allows us to define ourselves. And of course when life is difficult or when other people are being difficult, we are then forced into our discomfort zone and when we are living with that discomfort we have the greatest opportunity to become and be who we truly are. And who we truly are is the person we decide to be by using the gift of free will. And of course from a place of discomfort it is very easy to be negative and nasty and reply in kind (I know I have, oops). But, I think the thing this life is inviting us to do from the place of discomfort the world thrusts us into, is to take a step back and see the actions of others through the lens of compassion. To try and understand other people are just like us, they act from their fears as they see the world as a fearful place, they feel insecure and the need to protect themselves, they do not see humanity as being connected, they see ‘us and them’. Indeed I am sure each and every one of us has behaved in such a fashion at some point in our lives. So I think that the use of our free will to deliberately transcend any negative situation and see that situation with compassion for others and then to act accordingly is part of our journey back to the Devine.

Perhaps that is part of the torture of spirit.

Aidan
 

Iriebabel

Iriebabel aka Cyborg Turtle
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances April (2018)
Camino Del Norte for April (2019) possible Primitivo
#7
Hi Irebabel,

I feel a deep empathy with you. If I may paraphrase your feelings; You speak of life being against you, of having free will but seemingly no control, of having intrinsic gifts (presumably from the Devine), of finding it difficult to come to terms with other peoples’ bad behaviour and how that bad behaviour has a negative effect on you and how you can best shape your own life and choices. You are if I may say so consciously self-aware and searching for some meaning in your life. You are a true pilgrim.

For what it is worth (and it is only my opinion); I agree we have free will, but that free will can only ever be expressed in how we decide to act or in how we decide to react. We have almost zero control over external events and very little over other people (even those quite close to us). Our free will is an exercise in how we decide to live our lives. I suppose in a nut shell, our free will is our opportunity to act or react from a place of love or a place of fear. Our free will allows us to define ourselves. And of course when life is difficult or when other people are being difficult, we are then forced into our discomfort zone and when we are living with that discomfort we have the greatest opportunity to become and be who we truly are. And who we truly are is the person we decide to be by using the gift of free will. And of course from a place of discomfort it is very easy to be negative and nasty and reply in kind (I know I have, oops). But, I think the thing this life is inviting us to do from the place of discomfort the world thrusts us into, is to take a step back and see the actions of others through the lens of compassion. To try and understand other people are just like us, they act from their fears as they see the world as a fearful place, they feel insecure and the need to protect themselves, they do not see humanity as being connected, they see ‘us and them’. Indeed I am sure each and every one of us has behaved in such a fashion at some point in our lives. So I think that the use of our free will to deliberately transcend any negative situation and see that situation with compassion for others and then to act accordingly is part of our journey back to the Devine.

Perhaps that is part of the torture of spirit.

Aidan
You are so right. Absolutely we should use our free will deliberately (this is such an amazing statement).
 

Iriebabel

Iriebabel aka Cyborg Turtle
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances April (2018)
Camino Del Norte for April (2019) possible Primitivo
#8
Update: ordered my Pilgrims Passport and guidebook for the Norte from Ivar yeah!!!!
1539951123059.jpeg Tell me I can’t...and I say I can, Then watch me work twice as hard to prove myself right
 
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