Iriebabel
Veteran Member
- Time of past OR future Camino
- 2022
Addendum: All is well in my world but everyone has moments of weakness and I suppose I am no different. I wrote this back in July 1.5 months after the camino. I was at my weakest and was ill. I’m still feeling less that 100% and tired but much better. By sharing my thoughts my hope is to show there is a good outcome to every camino if we battle thru the pain. On the other side is sunshine. And I wanted to express how this one random thing made me see more clearly. Maybe my experience will help others. I also removed any religious references ...
As always thanks for reading my two centavos.. too deep? maybe:
There are moments in my life when I think that everyone and everything is against me. Moments when I feel attacked from all sides, and moments that I know in my heart that I have no control. I know this happens a lot. It seems that I’m in a war and I don’t know how to win the battle. It’s sunday and I am sitting here watching Super Soul Sunday with Oprah and guest William Paul Young’ writer of The Shack. I have never read the book or watched the movie. Young said “manny things which touched me deeply …faith is the truth of our being. He continues to say our grief for the things that are wrong it’s outside of us. . The way of our being should matched the truth of our being, I always use to say that faith doesn’t cause grief, man causes grief and unfortunately that is the process of humanity. Young said we lose control and that we have always had free will because we were born with free will. I believe this but I never understood why we, as people, feel we don't have free will. How do I solve this. I can see that this, the troubles in my life, is about me not having control over my own life. Question is how do I gain control and except the consequences of my own life choices and reactions. I need to be ok with my choices and not be afraid.
I believe that one day I will be rich, I know I will be but I don't believe I will be famous because I don't wish to be. I will be rich in spirit, rich in mind, rich in strength. It is my free will that will cause me to obtain my goal. I can fail but although influenced by outside forces it is ultimately my choice. I do think that if I continue to live my truth in the image of faith, I will be rich spiritually and physically. The gifts given to us at birth is usually not recognized. I know now that in the universe there is something bigger than myself and I know I was born, that we are all born with a purpose. It doesn't matter if you believe me and maybe I am naive or at the worst delusional. I don’t think it’s random...I now know I have a gift… Maybe now I finally understand why I went to walk the Camino, why I was drawn to it.
I am just beginning to realize that I was born with it, the gift of self. The gift to write , the gift to be artistic, the gift to be rich in spirit, the gift to be empathetic, the gift to be loving and giving. The gift to be tortured in spirit...yes, it too is a gift. The only way that I will ever see the truth is to live thru and thrive because of it, despite it. The truth of my being is I get upset when people are uncivil, non empathetic and dishonest. I feel distrust in everything and everyone. Just listening to Oprah’s conversation brought me to a realization that my being is not dependent on others. I have influence but I must stop listening to thoughts and feelings which betray my true being. Wisdom cannot be found only in despair. It’s is incumbent on me to seek out other forms of wisdom when I feel my being is under attack.
My first inclination is to curl up into a ball to protect myself or feel victimized, but mom did not create a coward. I know I need to fight but how do I find the energy to do battle? Maybe, just maybe my energy is in my writing, my ability to express my thoughts without confusion. With a head injury It only make sense after several million edits but at least it may eventually make sense or does it? I am confused and my mind plays tricks on me sometimes. It’s a daily struggle to keep control of my thoughts. I am not good enough, I don’t belong, I am unhappy. My body betrays my mind, and I am crippled. Depression sets in again and pain surfaces.
Just a month and a half after the Camino I feel myself sinking back into the same old routines. Sitting and breathing in the pain once again. Sometimes I think it’s a test or a cruel joke. I know getting older is not easy and I’m not complaining only stating facts but it’s damn painful. I’ve been sick since I got home this does not help the situation it only plunges me deeper into the darkness. I realize that everyday on the Camino I was conscious of my pain and I refused to live in it. Maybe it’s because I knew I had someplace to go, a goal, a task, a destination . I’m not understanding why I don’t feel like I have a destination anymore. I don’t want to slide backwards but I’m not sure I can stop myself. I realize now that I am at war…. with myself. At this very moment I am trying hard to formulate a battle plan. Outside forces seem to be attacking my senses and I am starting to feel overwhelmed again. I try to handle things myself because I have no help or maybe this is just perceived isolation. I think it’s fear. I am no longer afraid.
Words flow out of my mind like waves in the ocean
Flowing to meet the sun on the horizon
Flowing in to the dreams of the past
Flowing onwards into the desires of the future
I am simple person, a pilgrim
I have wants and needs
I am a creature of desire
And I am slave to my passions
I am now the me I have always wanted to be
I live to smile, I live to dream
I was, I am, I shall be
I have memories of yesterday
and visions of tomorrow
I see when most others never look
I am what few others desire to be
I am the twinkle in your eye
I am the movement in the wind
I am the spark which drives you to insanity
I was I am I shall be
I walk in the shadow of those from the past
And I walk to feed my soul
I see what the world is becoming and I am sad
I see what my heart desires and I am glad
I see the path I must take
I see my feet falling in line
I finally see who I am
I am a pilgrim, a walker, a dreamer, a student, a child
I am a mother, a daughter, a sister , a poet, a friend
I was...I am...I will be...I am who I was destined to be
As always thanks for reading my two centavos.. too deep? maybe:
There are moments in my life when I think that everyone and everything is against me. Moments when I feel attacked from all sides, and moments that I know in my heart that I have no control. I know this happens a lot. It seems that I’m in a war and I don’t know how to win the battle. It’s sunday and I am sitting here watching Super Soul Sunday with Oprah and guest William Paul Young’ writer of The Shack. I have never read the book or watched the movie. Young said “manny things which touched me deeply …faith is the truth of our being. He continues to say our grief for the things that are wrong it’s outside of us. . The way of our being should matched the truth of our being, I always use to say that faith doesn’t cause grief, man causes grief and unfortunately that is the process of humanity. Young said we lose control and that we have always had free will because we were born with free will. I believe this but I never understood why we, as people, feel we don't have free will. How do I solve this. I can see that this, the troubles in my life, is about me not having control over my own life. Question is how do I gain control and except the consequences of my own life choices and reactions. I need to be ok with my choices and not be afraid.
I believe that one day I will be rich, I know I will be but I don't believe I will be famous because I don't wish to be. I will be rich in spirit, rich in mind, rich in strength. It is my free will that will cause me to obtain my goal. I can fail but although influenced by outside forces it is ultimately my choice. I do think that if I continue to live my truth in the image of faith, I will be rich spiritually and physically. The gifts given to us at birth is usually not recognized. I know now that in the universe there is something bigger than myself and I know I was born, that we are all born with a purpose. It doesn't matter if you believe me and maybe I am naive or at the worst delusional. I don’t think it’s random...I now know I have a gift… Maybe now I finally understand why I went to walk the Camino, why I was drawn to it.
I am just beginning to realize that I was born with it, the gift of self. The gift to write , the gift to be artistic, the gift to be rich in spirit, the gift to be empathetic, the gift to be loving and giving. The gift to be tortured in spirit...yes, it too is a gift. The only way that I will ever see the truth is to live thru and thrive because of it, despite it. The truth of my being is I get upset when people are uncivil, non empathetic and dishonest. I feel distrust in everything and everyone. Just listening to Oprah’s conversation brought me to a realization that my being is not dependent on others. I have influence but I must stop listening to thoughts and feelings which betray my true being. Wisdom cannot be found only in despair. It’s is incumbent on me to seek out other forms of wisdom when I feel my being is under attack.
My first inclination is to curl up into a ball to protect myself or feel victimized, but mom did not create a coward. I know I need to fight but how do I find the energy to do battle? Maybe, just maybe my energy is in my writing, my ability to express my thoughts without confusion. With a head injury It only make sense after several million edits but at least it may eventually make sense or does it? I am confused and my mind plays tricks on me sometimes. It’s a daily struggle to keep control of my thoughts. I am not good enough, I don’t belong, I am unhappy. My body betrays my mind, and I am crippled. Depression sets in again and pain surfaces.
Just a month and a half after the Camino I feel myself sinking back into the same old routines. Sitting and breathing in the pain once again. Sometimes I think it’s a test or a cruel joke. I know getting older is not easy and I’m not complaining only stating facts but it’s damn painful. I’ve been sick since I got home this does not help the situation it only plunges me deeper into the darkness. I realize that everyday on the Camino I was conscious of my pain and I refused to live in it. Maybe it’s because I knew I had someplace to go, a goal, a task, a destination . I’m not understanding why I don’t feel like I have a destination anymore. I don’t want to slide backwards but I’m not sure I can stop myself. I realize now that I am at war…. with myself. At this very moment I am trying hard to formulate a battle plan. Outside forces seem to be attacking my senses and I am starting to feel overwhelmed again. I try to handle things myself because I have no help or maybe this is just perceived isolation. I think it’s fear. I am no longer afraid.
Words flow out of my mind like waves in the ocean
Flowing to meet the sun on the horizon
Flowing in to the dreams of the past
Flowing onwards into the desires of the future
I am simple person, a pilgrim
I have wants and needs
I am a creature of desire
And I am slave to my passions
I am now the me I have always wanted to be
I live to smile, I live to dream
I was, I am, I shall be
I have memories of yesterday
and visions of tomorrow
I see when most others never look
I am what few others desire to be
I am the twinkle in your eye
I am the movement in the wind
I am the spark which drives you to insanity
I was I am I shall be
I walk in the shadow of those from the past
And I walk to feed my soul
I see what the world is becoming and I am sad
I see what my heart desires and I am glad
I see the path I must take
I see my feet falling in line
I finally see who I am
I am a pilgrim, a walker, a dreamer, a student, a child
I am a mother, a daughter, a sister , a poet, a friend
I was...I am...I will be...I am who I was destined to be
Last edited: