Fear

[atlanticheart]

Well... I'm not sure I'll be able to do the Camino in the beginning of September.
I was riding the day before yesterday and fell off, and now my left wrist is in a cast. I had surgery to get the bone in the right position, and they say the cast will stay on about 6 weeks. I have 4 weeks until I leave.
Right now it still hurts quite a bit, and I can't move my arm very much. The pain medication is making me a bit dizzy, so it's taken about an hour to put this together as I have to go lie down after every second sentence.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.


Hilda

 

[gittiharre]

Oh Hilda, what bad luck. 4 weeks is still a long time, but best to keep an open mind. I am flying out of Auckland next Tuesday to walk the Geneva Route and I am sick with a terrible throat infection as we speak. It is soooo annoying, bodies are fragile things. Gitti

 

[CaroleH]

What rotten luck! So sorry to hear of your misfortune, Hilda, but don't despair, and please leave decision making for a week or two. When the pain eases, you will be able to think straight, . . . for now just be kind to yourself and take it easy. Bodies are amazing things, fragile maybe, but have great recovery powers, and you will bounce back.

Gitti, I have got great results with Chinese herbs and acupuncture for similar problems, and recommend for combatting infection and speeding the healing process.

All the best to both of you, and take some comfort from knowing that lots of people are thinking of you. Siempre buen camino. Carole

 

[atlanticheart]

Rotten luck indeed. I'll wait a few weeks and see how it goes... If worse comes to worse I can always do it next spring. If I must have the cast for 6 weeks I'll have to cancel the trip; I can't even shower on my own - and I don't want to be a smelly pilgrim =)

Guess I'll have to wait and see what they say on my check-up next week...

Thank you for your well-wishes =)


Hilda

 

[atlanticheart]

Saw the doctor today, got a new cast and new x-rays. The good news is the x-rays look fine, and I haven't actually damaged the wrist joint, just the bone. Which should mean it'll be easier and less painful to recover from.

Now to the not so good news. The cast will come off on the 7th of September, and my flight is on the 8th. I will still have two metal pins stuck in my bone for another two weeks after that. They go through the skin and parts of them stick out on my arm. They will have to be kept dry (from sweat and water), I'll be stiff in my arm, won't be allowed to put any weight on it and I have to be home by the 20th of September, because that's when they'll x-ray and then remove the pins.

That means that if it goes really well for me on the Camino, I won't be able to continue and do the entire thing as I would have liked, but will be forced to go home, and while I could just go right back, I doubt that I will if I go home in between. I know myself, and homesickness will win.

I'm also still not sure whether I'll be able to tie my shoes by then, and if I can't do that, then it gets really tricky... I'm giving it another week or so before I make up my mind, but as it is, I'm leaning towards cancelling it. And I hate that.


Hilda

 

[andy.d]

Hilda,

In spring last year I was all set to walk when my mother in law died. This meant postponing my Camino as it was not right to leave my family. I walked in the autumn instead, which was really good. It was hard to postpone, but it was completely the right thing for me. The Camino will still be there if you can't walk next month.

Good luck in thinking this all through,

Andy

 

[mosesmew]

Hi Hilda, Even though I have not met you/or know you,I'm sending you lots of "good-reiki energy",and wishes to help your healing process. Keep the "faith", there's always next year! Blessings Nancy :|

 

[KiwiNomad06]

Oh Hilda,
Just read this. My sympathies: I broke my wrist on July 13th- into the joint unfortunately. However, five and a half weeks later it is feeling good and I hope to get the cast off next Friday.
The good news is that the Camino will still be there next year if you do decide to postpone...all the best with that decision-making.
Margaret

 

[CaroleH]

Dear Hilda,

I am sitting "down" here in Australia trying to think of something wise, witty and wonderful for you!! . . . .I'm a little stuck, but . . . I think it's amazing that so many of us from around the world are "here" on the Forum, thinking of you and wishing you well with your decision making. Take heart from all these good wishes.

Thinking of you and Margaret in NZ. Carole

 

[camino-david]

Hi Hilda,
I am so glad that you are keeping in touch with your followers from around the world. We are thinking of you and and I am sure we are wishing you good luck and a speedy and complete recovery. I start from St John on 9 Sept, and when I reach Santiago I will think of you and say a prayer for you.
I am also from Australia, just north of Sydney, and about 200 km from Carole, so we are neighbours almost. David

 

[Deleted member 3000]

This is in no way a recommendation; it is just a story.

I met Agathe of Canada in 2006 in Le Puy. She had walked the Camino Frances in 2005 and was back for more. About half way in 2006, she slipped in the shower and broke her arm. She continued on the next day with a cast on her arm, and finished, albeit with discomfort and inconvenience. Plucky lady! She was deservedly famous. Hospitaleros remembered her when I walked in 2007.

Her choice was whether to continue or stop, not whether to start.

 

[+@^^]

i must admit, your fall, Hilda, has got me a bit more cautious in my run-up to departure
i fly in about 3 weeks
and last weekend, i bailed from a route that was hilly and wet, in favour for another safer route
the possibility of slipping and damaging a bodypart is everpresent in my mind
.
another fear of mine, right now, is having my Schegen VISA declined
i have heard reports of certain officials being hard on requirements, and minor transgressions resulting in the visa being declined
.
a camino friend has advised that including a copy of the pilgrim passport may smoothe matters
! let's hope

 

[atlanticheart]

Andy, Nancy, Margaret, Carole, David, Falcon and tamtamplin, thank you all for your messages.
Yes, the Camino will still be there and I'll most likely do it in April/May next year if not in September.

I broke my wrist on July 13th- into the joint unfortunately.

Ouch. Then you know how it feels. I hope it heals well for you. My wrist has started to hurt a lot again after they put on the new cast - I'm hoping that the reason is that they moved it around a bit. If the cast is the reason, I'll have to get another new cast... I really hate the pain. I'm not a very patient person when it comes to being in pain - it should be over as soon as possible, preferably yesterday. =)

Plucky lady! She was deservedly famous.

I can see why. This isn't a walk in the park - the broken arm or the walk itself. =) If it had happened to me on the Camino, that would have been all I needed to give up.

i must admit, your fall, Hilda, has got me a bit more cautious in my run-up to departure

I'm quite worried about falling and breaking my wrist again, or even worse, the other wrist as well...


Thanks again to all of you for your thoughts and wonderful support.
Hilda

 

[Maya2]

I really hope this works out for you. And remember, in keeping with the spirit of the Camino, I'm certain there will be fellow pilgrims willing to help you however they can. But if it doesn't work out, the Way will be waiting for you. :arrow: Lighting a candle for your quick recovery.

 

[peaco]

HILDA, DEAR HILDA, IV'E SUMMED IT UP IN TWO WORDS, DON'T GO

 

[KiwiNomad06]

Hilda- I don't want to sway your decision- but I know myself I wouldn't be leaving home for some time yet, and I actually agree with peaco! With the cast on, I find it really tiring just doing so many of the everyday things of life, which all take longer. But even when it comes off- hopefully on Friday- I know I am going to want to be near home to have physio etc to strengthen up my fingers again etc.

It is up to you- and you may have strong reasons for wanting to go now- but the Camino will still be there in the springtime next year!
Margaret

 

[atlanticheart]

Just spent 3½ hours at the hospital to get a new cast, again, as the one they made Friday didn't fit very well. And, I have decided not to do the Camino right now. It's just too much work. I'll have to aim for a spring 2011 Camino instead...

I was thinking of going, just for a week more as a holiday than a pilgrimage, in late September/early October when both the cast and pins are gone. If I give it a week or two after they remove the pins I should have fairly good mobility and strength back, or so the doctor seems to think as he said I can ride again 4 weeks after the pins are removed. I didn't think he needed to know I'd been back up on the horse a week after the accident... and that I'll go back and do it again this afternoon, hopefully. =)

Margaret, I'd be interested to know how your arm feels after they remove your cast, with mobility and if it hurts at all, so if you have the time, maybe you could send me a PM and let me know how it goes. Hope you get it off on Friday. =)

Hilda

 

[Tia Valeria]

You fell off a horse :!: and got back on and rode again so soon. That takes courage. When you come to do the Camino you can remember that and use it to help overcome your Camino fears.

It seems reading back to your first posts and reading these most recent ones that already you are a much stronger person. It is such a shame that you cannot go yet, but it is probably the wisest decision. As Margaret says, the Camino will be there for you next year.

If you go on holiday this year you may well find where you want to stay etc while walking.
Hoping you and Margaret are both soon free of casts and back to strength.
God bless you,
Tia Valeria

 

[ksam]

I didn't think he needed to know I'd been back up on the horse a week after the accident... and that I'll go back and do it again this afternoon, hopefully. =)

HILDA!! You ARE one tough cookie! If you can do this...honey, you can do the camino! Seriously, just consider it something you have to dust your self off from, and get back on. And the other truth of it is...the camino will be there when you are well healed. Get well, and keep us all posted.
God bless, Karin

 

[Maya2]

Hilda, as a horse lover, I know exactly why you were back on that horse. We can't help ourselves.

I wouldn't have mentioned it to the doc either! Good healing.

Maya

 

[atlanticheart]

Valerie, Karin and Maya, thank you. =)

When you come to do the Camino you can remember that and use it to help overcome your Camino fears.

I hope so. I hope it'll help. Plus, how bad can your feet really hurt compared to a broken arm?

Hilda, as a horse lover, I know exactly why you were back on that horse. We can't help ourselves.

I know, it's almost a compulsion. I haven't gotten back up on the horse that threw me off yet, but I've been riding two others. Since I only have one arm we do "pony riding" - my instructor leading me around for 30-40 mins. Not quite as fun as galloping at breakneck speed, bareback through the forest, but it's better than nothing. =)

Hilda

 

[atlanticheart]

I can't believe I'm leaving for Spain tomorrow. My nervousness- and fear-levels are rising steadily. I know I have nothing to be afraid of, but I can't help it. If I could, I would have certainly taken care of it by now. =)

I'm almost packed - well, my hand luggage is, the rest is still on my bed waiting to be packed.

So far the weather is looking okay in Pamplona, quite warm mid-day, but unfortunately a bit of rain towards the end of the week. But, that can change...
For those who are interested I will try to update my blog, if possible. I'll be using my phone for internet access, so we'll see if it works.

Thank you again to all who have supported me and wished me luck since the opening of this thread. You are amazing!

Hilda

 

[Tia Valeria]

Buen viaje Hilda. I just sent you a PM
Tia Valeria

 

[CaroleH]

Buen camino, Hilda.
Look forward to hearing how you go. Carole

 

[Maya2]

Go, enjoy, and then tell your story. The Way is waiting...

 

[stpatricksbhoy]

Hilda,
God bless and good luck,
Buen Camino.
stpatricksbhoy. :arrow: :arrow: :arrow:

 

[atlanticheart]

Am in my hotel room here in Puente la Reuna. Have just had dinner. Walked from Uterga today, via Eunate, and tomorrow I'm going to Lorca. I'm feeling better now than I did the first few days. I didn't sleep well, and was nauseous all day long, pretty much. On the plane down all I could think of was - I should have stayed at home.

I still want to go home more than I want to stay, unfortunately, but it's not quite as desperate. I am enjoying taking pictures though, and the weather has been nice and sunny.

This is a short entry as I'm writing it on my phone.


Hilda

 

[KiwiNomad06]

Great to hear from you Hilda, and that you are 'on the road'. You have chosen a section of the route that has some of my favourite pieces of landscape- though I saw it still with luxuriant green in a colder-than-normal June. Look forward to seeing your photos!
I hope your arm is behaving for you!
Margaret

 

[Tia Valeria]

Well done Hilda. Each step is one step nearer your goal, and each day completed is one more nearer to the end of this year's journey.
Love and prayers,
Terry and Valerie

 

[Priscillian]

"Feel the fear and do it anyway". Susan Jeffers

Sometimes it is what makes us feel most alive...

I doubt if any of us begin with a clear and fixed idea of ourselves in front of the cathedral brandishing our Compostela. We all harbour fears, self-doubts; we all give ourselves negative self-statements; and sooner or later we all break down and cry and want to go home.
That is part of the lesson; part of the journey to the self that you are embarking on, and, I promise you, before this is over you will begin to experience another, strong and determined you. You are going to meet fascinating people, hear wonderful stories, and maybe get a blister or two. You´ll walk through it. And it will all be OK.
I envy you: I´d love to do my first Camino once again for the first time.
Buen Camino,
Tracy (4 times a pilgrim and can´t wait for the next).
http://www.pilgrimagetoheresy.com
http://www.pilgrimagetoheresy.blogspot.com

 

[KiwiNomad06]

Hilda, this made me think of you- and all of us pilgrims- it's the banner in the NZ part of the athlete's village for the Commonwealth Games:
'Most nations have draped flags from their balconies but from the New Zealand towers hang a massive portrait of Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay under the words: “It’s not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.”'
I'm not sure who wrote it.
Margaret

 

[crackmrmac]

Buen Camino Hilda.

 

[andy.d]

Hi Hilda,

it's good to hear from you. When I walked the Camino last year it was one of the hardest things I have done, but it was at the same time one of the best.

Onward!

Andy

 

[TerryB]

Margaret, you said:-

'Most nations have draped flags from their balconies but from the New Zealand towers hang a massive portrait of Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay under the words: “It’s not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.”'
I'm not sure who wrote it.

Answer-
Sir Edmund Hillary himself !!

Blessings
Terry

 

[atlanticheart]

Thank you all for your sweet replies. Today I am in Los Arcos and am going to Viana tomorrow. I am feeling better and calmer now, but still homesick.

Have just had dinner; good salmon with the ever-present chips, and some melon for desert. Am now going to look over the photos I've taken today, I think.

Yes, my hand is getting better each day, but since I have some form of nerve injury it's not back to normmal yet, unfortunately.
That was a really good quote, Margaret.


Hilda

 

[Rebekah Scott]

I am not a discouraging person. But I also do not believe that suffering has much redemptive quality.

If you are really hating this, and you really just want to go home, then don´t put yourself through this. The Camino de Santiago is not for everybody. It is something you do because you WANT to, not because you feel you OUGHT to, or you HAVE to. There is no shame in stopping something that is causing you pain and distress. (anyone with blisters will tell you that.)

Don´t let anyone else push you through something your heart disagrees with. Follow your heart, Hilda. You are still a fine person, whether or not you endure this (entirely voluntary) ordeal.

Rebekah

 

[skilsaw]

Dear Hilda,
You really have touched a nerve here with your post on fear. 135 replies! I only read a few at the beginning, and a couple replies at the end.

Last year there was a lady called Karla who only got as far as St. Jean when she decided she had enough and went home. Her issue wasn't fear. I think it was more culture shock. New language, new money, just getting on a bus was an ordeal.

She decided the Camino was not for her and she went home. Loving and enjoying her home life with all the security and consistency it had to offer. In one day she learned what the Camino was to teach her. She is happiest at home.

Maybe you are to learn that you are stronger and more capable than you think you are.
Or maybe you are to learn, like Karla, that you are happiest at home. One lesson is victorious, the other is bitter, sweet but they both have value and are legitimate.

Whether you get to Logrono, or bail out early, I want to thank you for sharing your journey with us. And I hope this community has offered you empathy, compassion and acceptance. Tonight I found my first reply to you, and see that I was cocky and flippant. Not reading your note with the sensitivity it deserved. I am sorry for that.

As I head to bed here on the west coast of north America, you will be starting a new day in Spain. I hope you slept well, and that the day is beautiful, and that you move forward, in whichever direction you choose, without regrets.

Buen Camino,
David, Victoria, Canada

 

[atlanticheart]

Well, I'm back home. =) And I'm very happy about that. This post is going to be a little random...

The second half of the trip wasn't at all as bad as the first. I accepted the situation for what it was and pushed through. And I made it. But, I also made the trip easier on myself. I took the bus to Uterga from Pamplona instead of walking it, because the Alto del Perdón intimidated me. I took a bus from Estella to Los Arcos, and from Los Arcos to Viana, because I felt the distances were too much for me. And, I think the fact that I allowed myself to do that, made me happier and therefore the trip better.

I thought I was gonna die walking from Puente la Reina to Lorca. The guidebook said "gently rolling farmland and vineyards". Personally I did not find it gently rolling at all. And, I got off to a late start, it was warm and I don't think I ate or drank enough, even though I thought I drank plenty. That was my worst day. It was beautiful, but terrible to walk. I thought it'd never end.

I've also come to the realization that perhaps hiking isn't for me. I like walking, but, I don't like long-distance walking. I think that I prefer travelling by car/bus, getting out and walking around for a while, and then move on to the next location. I haven't decided yet if I'll give the Camino another try in April/May. If I do, that's good, but it's really okay if I don't too. I've done a bit of it, and that's more than some will ever do.

There is no shame in stopping something that is causing you pain and distress.

I know that, and I've stopped so many times it's become a pattern. I'm not going to get anywhere in life if I don't put myself through pain and distress, because most new situations scare me. I wish it wasn't so, but it is. Just have to feel the fear, stress and pain and push on anyway.

And I hope this community has offered you empathy, compassion and acceptance.

I've received tons of it. =) This is a wonderful forum, full of wonderful people.

As I head to bed here on the west coast of north America, you will be starting a new day in Spain. I hope you slept well, and that the day is beautiful, and that you move forward, in whichever direction you choose, without regrets.

This was really lovely David. Read it on the morning I walked from Viana, and it put a smile on my face. =)


Here's a link to some photos from my Camino on Flickr.


Hilda

 

[KiwiNomad06]

Here's a link to some photos from my Camino on Flickr. Hilda

Your photos are stunning! I hope you add some more... It is amazing for me to see the late summer/autumn view of the fields near Los Arcos, because I saw them a few months earlier when everything was still so green.

Go well, Hilda. If you come back to the Camino one day, (maybe even in a car), and take shorter walks, and take lots more beautiful photos- that will be your very own Camino. But you have many years ahead to do the things that are 'you', and who knows where the adventures will lead you.
Margaret

 

[atlanticheart]

Thank you Margaret. I am actually in the process of uploading more as we speak (or type).

True. I don't actually have to do the Camino right now. I have years to do it, if I decide I want to.


Hilda

 

[ksam]

Hilda,

I'm so happy to see you made it! And glad you did it your way. Very impressive so soon after getting the cast off and all. I liked what you said about still having done more than most and that is so true. Most of the people I talk to, esp. the women, wouldn't even consider it let alone actually try it. so thumbs up from here!...Now I'm off to peruse your pics!

Karin :wink:

 

[CaroleH]

Hilda, I love your photos, the way a small thing like a bird on a sign evokes such images and emotions.They make me want to go and walk the Camino Frances which I thought I'd never want to do . . . . So thank you for sharing.

All the best for the future. You've been jolly brave sharing your journey and I hope it gives you many fond memories and contemplations. Buen camino always. Carole

 

[ksam]

GOOD Grief!! :shock: You have to do another a Camino! Simply so I can see more of your pictures! These really are some of the best I've seen. I can only think of one or two others who have a similar quality to their pics of the Camino. One is at http://www.dustytrack.com and the other one is a guy who logs on here occasionaly...and my mind is blank!

But back to the topic...you really do take terrific pictures and thank you so much for taking the time to make them available.

Many thanks, Karin

 

[suzie morgs]

What absolutely stunning photos. I'll try and be brave about creative shots when I head back next week. I have the usual shots (which I treasure). Thank you for sharing.
Suzie

 

[atlanticheart]

Carole, Karin and Suzie, thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoy them. (Just posted a few more...).
I still have 1200 photos - that's after throwing out about 600. Have to toss out another 300-400 or so. Since I take so many, I try to get rid of at least half. =)

Karin, thanks for the link to dustytrack, those were some good photos.


Hilda

 

[nellpilgrim]

Hi Hilda,

Congratulations and thank you for the lovely photographs you certainly seem to have become totally absorbed by the landscape you walked though and being able to share your vision is a real gift.

Nell

 

[andy.d]

Hi Hilda,

I'm so glad you stuck with it - the photos are wonderful. If it's OK, I'll put a link to your photos on my blog,

Ultreya!

Andy

 

[atlanticheart]

Nell and Andy, thank you.

Andy, feel free to link to my photos.


Hilda

 

[stpatricksbhoy]

Well done and God Bless You.
stpatricksbhoy.

 

[Tia Valeria]

Your photos are lovely Hilda. Well done, you did get to Logroño as you planned, however hard it was.
As you post more photos and reflect on the time may the best be remembered, especially over-coming the problems along the way.
Even if you are not thinking of hiking again maybe you will find a way to reach Santiago in time, by gentle stages. Our first time to Santiago was by car many years ago, others on this forum have walked by short stages each year. Just listen to God's call to you:- to go or to stay at home.
Hope you stay with this forum either way. Your insights and honesty are a great help.
God bless
Tia Valeria

 

[atlanticheart]

stpatricksbhoy and Valerie, thank you. =)

Valerie, I have no plans of leaving the forum. Maybe, instead of a camino, I'll plan a photo-journey along the camino next time. I think that's more my kind of journey.


Hilda

 

[givney42]

Very Well Done Hilda!!! I know when I was walking the camino there were many, MANY times I was telling myself to quit and just go somewhere else. But knew in my heart of hearts I needed to complete this. I learned the camino has a different calling to different people. It is very individualized, and it does not need to be "walked". It can be attended in many ways. And I think your finding that, and your wonderful photos show that.
As Joe Campbell would say, Follow your Bliss!. Do what your heart asks and follow that, doors will open to you that will not be open to any one else.

Kim

 

[CaroleH]

Well said, Kim, totally agree.

"Follow your Bliss!" . . . . love it.
What a response you have instigated Hilda . . . made people think deeply about reasons for doing the camino, of dealing with our own fears, and of trying to understand other people. Go well. Carole

 

[Tia Valeria]

stpatricksbhoy and Valerie, thank you. =)

Valerie, I have no plans of leaving the forum. Maybe, instead of a camino, I'll plan a photo-journey along the camino next time. I think that's more my kind of journey.


Hilda

That is good Hilda. There are many beautiful places on the Camino waiting for you. Look forward to more contributions here from you.
Valerie

 

[atlanticheart]

Thank you Kim.
I had many moments, particularly the first few days when I though "screw this, I'm going home!" But, my mum helped convince me it'd probably be pretty bad for my self-esteem if I gave up again. So, I stayed. And I'm glad I did, because I had some good times, and lots of good photos. =)

What a response you have instigated Hilda

Yes, a much lengthier discussion than I had anticipated. But, fear is universal, so I guess it's a good topic. =)

Thank you Valerie.



Hilda

 

[SabsP]

Am a bit fearful. Work gave me the green light for my sabbatical next year, I got my main financial issues sorted out, I'm reasonably fit ( thanks to my phsiotherapist ) and did a lot of training, all in all practical things are taken care of.
And now my fear starts : fear of actually booking my ticket, fear of the craziness of my idea of doing the Camino, fear for the health of my dear ones ( including my parents ) and not being close to them when they could use my support. Even if there is absolutely no reason to be worried about them right now. And yes if I think about it logically life is unpredictable and I have to deal with that. But I'm a person who wants to keep control of things and situations...so it is a day to day peptalk with myself to "let go"...( like yesterday when central heating here in house broke down. I got really nervous and of course today repairman came, got it all fixed, and only then I saw how silly it is to fret about something like this...).
Fear of meeting myself on the Camino...And hopeful at the same time.
Thank you all for reading this rant!!! Merci.

 

[Mexicanpilgrim]

The only time I felt fear, was between Olveiroa and Hospital (Galicia), last day on my way to Finisterre (October 22), It was dark (6 am), the fog was dense, and I was alone, I heard at the distance some dogs barking, at sometimes I tought they werent probably dogs, well, for me it was not the first time I walk in those conditions, but I have to admit, some level of fear was present, after a couple of hundreds meters going uphill I began to see the sky, beautyfull thing, Orion and the milkyway above, there was nothing else in the world for me in that precise moment, the fear was gone. Fear is not a bad thing, just dont let fear to control you, admit that you feel it, and deal with it.

 

[gittiharre]

Hi Sabine, you are experiencing very normal fear feelings associated with doing something a little out of the ordinary. The fear tells you that you care about what happens to people close to you and how they may be affected by your absence. Once you walk your fear will dissipate, probably the endorphines. I found that I lost my fear and nervousness once was on the road, but if I stopped for a day or two the anticipatory anxiety kind of came back. I was quite nervous prior to walking the Geneva route, because it is kind of solitary and I was a bit worried about safety and feeling lonely. In the end I had the warmest and most surprising people contacts and generosity of all time during my first few days, it was quite wonderful. All the best to you, Gitti

 

[Camino2010]

Hilda, I'm happy for you that you decided to go for it and experience the Camino in your own new way this autumn, good for you! And maybe, yes, this will turn out to be practice for a longer Camino next year... but even if not, it sounds like you have much to be proud of for crossing over the edge of your fear as much as you did. Makes me think of something a pilgrim wrote in the guest book at the Cisterciense albergue in Santo Domingo: words to the effect of, "If you've come this far, you've come farther than all the people who talk about going on the Camino but never get there."

Sabine, I had a funny conversation with a friend before I left for my Camino in September. She said to me, "So, Rachel, you're getting on a plane to fly overseas, to a country you've never been to, where you know no one, and they speak a language you don't know, to walk 800km, and you're worried about what to pack?!" And it's true, it always felt like the most natural thing in the world to go to Spain and walk the Camino on my own, but I stressed myself out about packing the right stuff in my backpack!

Life can be unpredictable, and the skill of letting go can be of benefit in many areas of life but particularly in terms of the Camino. I'd read time and again that the Camino turns out to be different than you expect it to be, and if you think you know what the unexpected will be, it turns out to be something different! For me, the unexpected happened in the sense that I thought I would walk the entire distance. I didn't foresee having trouble with my knees and ending up taking a bus across a few stages; I'd never had trouble with them before (but I hadn't walked the descent from Alto del Perdón when I was still getting in shape either, lol!)

And then the completely unexpected happened: my relatively young (68), seemingly healthy and in fine shape father died at home of a massive heart attack in Canada, the night I was in Astorga. I found out two days later in Molinaseca when I finally had internet access again and I found my mum's message to me on Facebook asking me to phone home. I stayed on the Camino, there was never any question in my mind that I would keep walking. I know my father would have wanted me to keep going, and it felt like he was there with me in a new way for the rest of the journey. Many days, I felt like I was the lucky one. My family in Canada were dealing with the shock up front. I got to be in Spain, surrounded by such beauty and love, walking. Walking. No need to control, just walk, eat, sleep, drink water, appreciate, and love.

I wish you every blessing. I anticipate that meeting yourself will be an amazing gift, to you and to the world.

Buen Camino!

Rachel
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=7 ... =659258593
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=7 ... =659258593
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=7 ... =659258593
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=7 ... =659258593

 

[SabsP]

Thank you mexicanpelgrim, Gitti and Rachel for your generous and wonderful thoughts and words.
Rachel, your parents are lucky to have a daughter like you! My fearful thoughts come and go, they especially come in the eve and tend to dissapear in the morning when my head is clear... :wink:
Again, thank you all for the food for thought!

 

[Mexicanpilgrim]

Hi Rachel, I saw the first of your pics, the one that appears with the message "Todo es posible", I remember the place, because that particular day (October 3), thats near Astorga in the middle of the "Paramo", I was in the middle of a storm, and that place was like a salvation for me and some other people, I remember the guy inside, "David" from Barcelona, we have a very interesting talk, I remember walking out of there, and the storm was still present, the moment I went out, in the camino I saw another pilgrim who was aproaching, and he asked me: whats inside of the place?, and I told him, "there's everything, but above all, you'll find love there"..

Sorry about your father, Im sure he is in another "camino"....

 

[Caminando]

Your fears are, I think, nothing to do with the camino. You will carry them with you everywhere till you manage to deal with them, and I hope you can. Fears are so crippling. Yet these fears you mention are all self-focusing; in other words your area of interest is yourself. You say you dont want to meet others on the camino and will cut yourself off from them; this too is an example of self focusing.

It may not be the time for you to do this; unless you use this chance to address your fears. If you do try it, consider leaving the camera at home; it can be a way of displacing the present.
Good luck!

 

[atlanticheart]

And yes if I think about it logically life is unpredictable and I have to deal with that. But I'm a person who wants to keep control of things and situations...so it is a day to day peptalk with myself to "let go"...

I'm also a person who wants to be in control all the time, and it's very difficult to let go of that control. I certainly didn't manage when I was doing the camino, but I tried, and I think that's important. My fear didn't really go away at any time during my camino, but it did become more manageable. In the first half of my trip it was really difficult, but it got easier after that. I think you'll be just fine on the camino. =)


Rachel, thank you. I'm happy I did it too. I doubt I'll do it again any time soon, but I'm only 22, so I have lots more years, hopefully =), to attempt it again, should I want to. The quote is very true. I'm sorry about your father.


Caminando, you're right that the fears are not only to do with the camino, but they affected it nonetheless. And, yes, they are self-focusing, but what fears are not? If it wasn't something that affected us, we'd have no reason to be afraid of it.
I don't believe I said I didn't want to meet others; because I did. I'm just very shy when it comes to meeting new people, and I was a bit afraid that I'd be all alone. Which, was a fear that turned out to be unnecessary, most days.
I did bring my camera, and I find that quite to the contrary, it helps me focus on the present. After all, the only thing you can take a picture of is what surrounds you at that moment.


Hilda

 

[Mexicanpilgrim]

Hi everybody, I find very interesting what Caminando said:

Your fears are, I think, nothing to do with the Camino. You will carry them with you everywhere till you manage to deal with them, and I hope you can. Fears are so crippling. Yet these fears you mention are all self-focusing; in other words your area of interest is yourself. You say you don’t want to meet others on the Camino and will cut yourself off from them; this too is an example of self focusing. It may not be the time for you to do this; unless you use this chance to address your fears. If you do try it, consider leaving the camera at home; it can be a way of displacing the present. Good luck!

I decided to start a new topic that I want to discuss, because not only focus on fear, I think is about to many other things, I call it "The other load".

BUEN CAMINO !!!!

 

[MaxfromMO]

This thread came up again on my fb page and I laughed. I realize it's old, and I'm not posting to give advice to the original question/comment, just a comment of my own. When my husband and I were planning the trip, I saw this and read it. As we got closer to leaving for Spain last year, I thought , wow I'm not nervous at all. Two days before we left it hit, but tickets were purchased and the roller coaster had left the building. I had trouble walking the first two days because I was having trouble breathing. It was on the second day that I realized my "trouble breathing" were anxiety attacks. I remembered this thread and all the posts I had read about everyone suffering from nerves, even some who had done it before. That helped calm me down. By the third day the routine was setting in and from there on I was able to relax and enjoy the people I met and savor the knowledge that "I was REALLY doing this!!!" I have a feeling that NOT being nervous is far less common than being nervous/overexcited those first days. It helped that I was highly motivated to walk the Camino and to have my husband to walk with. I am so glad I did not quit. Years ago I quit a quarter mile down the trail on a horse pack trip. I have regretted that ever since. If anyone reading this is going for the first time, or actually walking right now and so nervous they're thinking of quitting, hang in there. Breathe! It may take a day, it may take a week, if you really want to walk the Camino, you WILL settle in and you will be so thankful you stuck with it.

 

[Agnogel]

http://www.wimp.com/nofear/
In reality the camino has the power to remove all fear if you let it, Have a look on the link it will explane all

 

[RoamingTheWorld]

Perhaps the whole point of your Camino would be to face these fears. It's fine to be afraid, but you must also be afraid of a life un-lived, so go forward! Observe yourself from a distance, see that you are afraid, and continue on in spite of it. You will soon gain a bit of confidence and fears will start to dissipate and you will see them for what they are: a creation of your own mind and an illusion. Every time your fear crops up, have on hand a reply: "I am strong and I can do this."

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

Helen Keller

I applaud your interest in facing this and I wish you a fabulous Camino. You CAN do it!

My Camino Experience

 

[Sue M]

I walked from SJPdP to Burgos the 'proper' way but then walked from Sarria to Santiago with a group, HF Holidays. Different experience, but didn't want to walk alone. Haven't worked out a way to do the middle bit yet though. Probably won't.

 

[pattymo97206]

When I walked in Fall of 2012, I was in a state of high anxiety a lot of the time and feeling very homesick, but at the same time feeling so at peace! And even though I was with a group, I was so far out of my comfort zone (not even in the same hemisphere), in a foreign country whose language I didn’t speak, my fear was magnified. When I reached Cruz de Ferro and as I laid down my stone, I said out loud to myself “I lay down fear and anxiety and pick up courage”. Soon after leaving the cross, I stopped in my tracks with the realization that is what I’d been doing all along! I had been facing my fear and doing it anyway . Now as I plan my walk in May, I feel the fear and anxiety mount along with anticipation and excitement and once again, I’ll face the fear and do it anyway. I love the saying “You’ll find what you are looking for on the other side of fear” or something like that. Saw it on FaceBook.

 

[hecate105]

I was disabled by fibromyalgia for more than 20 years. I believe it is partly caused by catastrophic thinking - that endless round of panicky - 'what will happen if..?' 'how will I cope if?' I have spent so much of my life doing it and missing out on life's rich experiences because of it. BUT - I have recovered! Main things were reading 'The Divided Mind' by Dr. John Sarno and using the educational recovery programme (free!)on TMSwiki website - http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Recovery_Program
I would urge you to look at both. Do not let fear stop you living your life as you choose. Good luck and when the time comes Buen Camino...

 

[Charlie Mason]

Some on here might remember me from 2008, when I was planning my pilgrimage. I only got as far as Hunto before I gave up, and I’m still not sure I’ve forgiven myself for giving up so easily. But I got so scared. Ever since then, from time to time, I’ve felt the desire to walk the camino again but nothing has ever come of it. I’m simply terrified, yet I still long to do it. I can feel the pull of it.

I’ve been thinking, considering, doing it in September/October this year, but doing it my way. I’d send my bag ahead every day, and only carry a lighter pack with water, food and my camera. Because I really want to bring my real camera (a Nikon D90) and not a small point and shoot. I don’t think I’ll walk this more than once and I want the best images I can get to remember it. And I’d be staying in hotels the entire way. I’ve even made up a plan where I can stay at hotels for every stage of the walk. I’d be starting in Pamplona, instead of St Jean which is the “official” starting place, to eliminate the strenuous walk across the Pyrenees. I’ve been thinking of just doing a week, but it’s not enough. To me that would be failing, which is ridiculous, but that’s the way it is. It’s all or nothing.

But even when I modify it to more fit my needs, it still scares me. I’m afraid of failing again. I’m afraid it will be too overwhelming, that my feet will hurt too much and that I won’t be able to do the distances I’ve planned. I’m afraid I’m going to spend the entire trip crying, which is what happened last time. I’m afraid I’m going to be homesick, that my body will hurt, that I’ll get sick.

Last time I was also very stressed and anxious. I felt nauseous because of this and threw up a lot. I’m afraid I’ll spend five weeks being anxious and hence be miserable the entire time. Because I’m afraid of new situations. The camino would pretty much be five weeks of new situations each day, and I’m not sure how well I’d be able to cope with that.

Of course, there’s also the possibility that I’m worrying needlessly. But knowing myself, and knowing what happened last time, I know that I will be afraid a lot. I just, don’t know what to do. Because on the one hand, I want this so much, but on the other the mere thought terrifies me and makes me not want to do it.

But, I really do think I'd benefit greatly from doing it. I'd learn to handle all those fears, and if I made it, it would be an incredible boost to my self-esteem. I'd get to improve my spanish and meet many new, wonderful people. I think, maybe I should do it just because I am so afraid of it.

So, some random questions based on all this…

When, if you were, were you afraid on the camino? How do you deal with it?
Just how much do your feet hurt?
How difficult is it?
How long does it take before it gets easier? A week? Two weeks? Does it ever get easier?


Sorry about the long post. I just don’t know who else to talk to about this… no one seems to understand, and I get that, it is somewhat of a crazy idea, really...


Hilda

Hilda,
I too am scared about walking my first Camino. I want to go by myself too, but am worried about getting sick, lost, being homesick, etc! You are not alone! I know that when I get there and am able to interact with fellow pilgrims and locals that I,too, will be able to overcome my fears. I have been doing some reflecting for quite some time about what this trip could mean to me and what I could take away when I finish. I know that if I do not walk the Camino, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Be strong and buen Camino,

Charlie

 

[Phillypilgrim]

Hi Charlie,
I feel compelled to respond to your heartfelt post. I walked the Camino alone this past fall. I did get sick, I didn't get lost, and although I did not feel "homesick" I did at one point wonder when this trek was going to end! It is a long walk, which means that like the terrain, it is an up and down emotional journey (for some of us, not all). But, it's okay. I realized I had a "relationship" with the Camino, and like a relationship it is varied and changes. I am glad that I walked slowly, as I personally needed the time to surrender and fully embrace it. It is a lovely process.

 

[Charlie Mason]

Hi Charlie,
I feel compelled to respond to your heartfelt post. I walked the Camino alone this past fall. I did get sick, I didn't get lost, and although I did not feel "homesick" I did at one point wonder when this trek was going to end! It is a long walk, which means that like the terrain, it is an up and down emotional journey (for some of us, not all). But, it's okay. I realized I had a "relationship" with the Camino, and like a relationship it is varied and changes. I am glad that I walked slowly, as I personally needed the time to surrender and fully embrace it. It is a lovely process.

Thanks Phillypilgrim,
I don't want to sound like a big baby, I just have my fears and anxiety over being in a foreign country by myself. Thanks for your words and encouragement.

Charlie
California

 

[Clara Montes de Oca]

Dear Hilda,

Bless you for having the courage to even WANT to face your fear again. This shows great resolve, and I encourage you to try again. Setting goals for yourself that you know are realistic is a great step forward. If you KNOW you don't like communal living, then you can find private lodging for a price, and it's not always expensive. It can be even LESS costly if you can find a walking mate you can get along with and are willing to share lodging with. I will be happy to send you information on the privates that we stayed in, if you are interested. I did not want to get bedbugs, and so we often took a private room.

In almost any town you can go to the bar and ask if there are habitaciones in town... many people have a room they will rent you. The rooms are almost always cleaner than the refugios, and almost always have a shared or private bath, but when you share it's with one or two people, not 25.

Your feet. If your feet hurt, chances are it is because your shoes are too small and you're carrying too much weight. Try buying your shoes 1.5 sizes larger than you normally wear. Be sure you get a shoe that is FLEXIBLE but with a sturdy sole. I love New Balance Trail Shoes. Can you get them where you live? They have a huge toe box, so your toes can spread out when you walk and you don't get blisters. They do not need breaking in. You can buy them, and walk right out onto the Camino!

Try wearing 2 pair of socks. I don't remember if you did this. One pair should be a very thin liner, like we wore when we were children. The outer pair should be thicker, and many people like SmartWool, me included. They are cushioned in good places.

Buy COMPEED and carry it with you. The MINUTE you first start feeling a hot spot on your foot, STOP and put on the compeed. You never take it off. You wear it in the shower and keep it on until it falls off on its own. It will keep you from getting blisters.

Also, please consider buying a special gel insert made especially for trekking and hiking. Take the OLD insert out and put in the new, cushioned one. It will protect the soles of your feet from rocks and the constant slamming down onto the pavement. Here in the US they cost about $30. Not sure where you are from. New Balance sells them and you can cut them to fit your shoe.

Stop every 2 hours, sit down, take off your shoes, and give yourself a foot rub! Rest for at least 10 minutes before you put the shoes on and walk again.

If there is a fountain, put your feet into the ice water.

When you stop at night, soak your feet in COLD salt water. It really DOES help toughen them up.

Don't walk full stages. There is no law that says you must walk 20 kilometers every day! When I first start walking, I'm only able to do about 17.... that's my limit... and my feet stop working at 17 k... so I try to plan accordingly. If that means I only walk 12 k, then I only walk 12 that day! Better to ENJOY the walking than to torture yourself!

I met a young woman on my last Camino who was terribly overweight. She was walking to get herself in better physical condition, but because of her weight, she was only able to go about 10 kilometers each day in the beginning. By the time she go to Santiago 6 weeks later, she was walking regular 20 k stages and had dropped about 20 pounds! Great success. But if she found herself tired, she'd simply call a cab and take it to the next place. So what? She knew her limitations and followed her inner guide and she finished the Camino!

Next, REALLY take a good look at your pack. It should not weigh more than 10% of your body weight, pack included. You've probably read that over and over on this forum. The reason is because it is true. If you can afford to have a company carry your bags, then do it, especially if you're paying for lodging. There are so many items that you do not need that people pack.

It feels to me that you REALLY want to try this again. And if you WANT to, then you will. Please feel free to PM me if you just need a sounding board.

I'm praying for your success!
Annie

 

[Clara Montes de Oca]

I just read your post and I have to say I found it very helpful. I'm doing this in October and am concerned because I have a big ankle problem. I suffered a terrible fracture about 10 years ago and walk with a limp most days. I fear my ankle will swell and force me to stop more often than I would like to and most likely for longer periods of time than I would like. However, I am driven to do this. There are so many reasons. The most important I think is for the spiritual rewards I will get out of this. I want them. I expect them and because of that, I will receive them. I'll offer up my discomfort for this. Please pray for me as well as I am going to need it. Normally I would never ask this of anyone but, if you would allow me to ask you questions directly or perhaps use you for guidance I'd really appreciate that. I asked only because I know asking for help is the first step towards humility. I have a friend who completed the Camino and she has been so generous with her advice. But having more than one source may be even more beneficial. What say you?

 

[Anniesantiago]

I just read your post and I have to say I found it very helpful. I'm doing this in October and am concerned because I have a big ankle problem. I suffered a terrible fracture about 10 years ago and walk with a limp most days. I fear my ankle will swell and force me to stop more often than I would like to and most likely for longer periods of time than I would like. However, I am driven to do this. There are so many reasons. The most important I think is for the spiritual rewards I will get out of this. I want them. I expect them and because of that, I will receive them. I'll offer up my discomfort for this. Please pray for me as well as I am going to need it. Normally I would never ask this of anyone but, if you would allow me to ask you questions directly or perhaps use you for guidance I'd really appreciate that. I asked only because I know asking for help is the first step towards humility. I have a friend who completed the Camino and she has been so generous with her advice. But having more than one source may be even more beneficial. What say you?

I'm not sure if you are addressing me but feel free to PM me.

 

[Clara Montes de Oca]

Yes I was. I will PM you. You have good advice. Thanks.