Forgiveness on and off the Camino

[Tumbleweed]

Hello everyone new and old.

When walking the Camino, I prayed everyday for forgiveness from anything I might have done or said that could have been offensive to someone or if I lost my patience or, well you get the picture. I wasn't able to ask the people involved for forgiveness because they could have been such brief encounters that once I realized my behavior was ungodly they were long gone. Some people may not have even noticed my bad manners (butting in, having a brief negative reaction, etc.) but the action would weigh heavy on my heart, enough to ask for forgiveness. I know while walking everyday, I was forgiven my transgressions because it was God doing the forgiving.

Off the Camino I have asked directly a person I offended for forgiveness and well, I've heard nary a peep. The offense didn't seem all that big but apparently enough to not talk to me again. My transgression? In my eyes: being excited about a new found friendship and wanting to expand that friendship, explore the connection. In his eyes: pushing the boundaries.

I thought I was tough enough to just walk away from this kind of situation, but it hurts me deeply because 1: I can't talk to him anymore and 2: even though he's read my apology he hasn't acknowledged it.

Is anyone else dealing with a non forgiving person? Have you forgiven those who ask? Does the Camino hold your transgressions?

How I wish I was on the Camino again just for this reason alone, unfailing forgiveness. Oh the freedom of forgiveness.

Peace be with you and may the Lord guide your steps.

 

[Anniesantiago]

When we ask forgiveness, I believe it is as much for our own peace of mind as for the other person.

I have made many mistakes in my lifetime.
We all do!

You make a mistake, and apologize...
Most people are very understanding and supportive.
Some are judgmental and cast you off.
And yes, it hurts a lot.

But the bottom line is this:

You can never change another person's mind,
but you CAN change your own response to them.

Just love them.

If you have done your best to rectify the situation, forgive yourself, and just keep trying not to repeat the performance.
It's the best we can do in this life… try to be better people.
And nobody is perfect.
Especially those who refuse to forgive.

 

[Tincatinker]

Tumbleweed, sometimes we just have to forgive ourselves. Keep your heart open and others will open to you.

Buen Camino

 

[Rebekah Scott]

I assume from the language you use that you are a Christian.
Forgiveness, once you ask God for it, is yours. You don´t have to keep asking for it. When grace came into the world, it did not just flow down the camino. It flowed into YOU, and it lives there now.
The camino doesn´t "hold transgressions." Transgressions come, transgressions go, the camino rolls on. Just like grace does.
It seems you are suffering from "scruples," a super sensitivity to your own faults. You strive to be kind and thoughtful to others, but you are extremely strict where your own Self is concerned. You hold yourself to a standard you would never dream of demanding from other people.
Other people notice that, and they are unnerved when they are asked for forgiveness for little things they´ve probably just let go, or did not even notice. That is probably what happened with your friend. You were hoping to maintain a friendship, but came off as needy.
On of the big benefits of belief is that Grace, aka "unmerited favor," is all around you, no matter where you are in the world. You are accepted and beloved by God, not only when you are kind and thoughtful, but even when you are rude or thoughtless. Learn to see yourself as God´s beloved -- You do not have to earn his regard with perfect behavior. He loves you even with all your faults. And be kind to yourself.
Being kind to others if wonderful. But most of all, be kind to yourself. You are not perfect. You never will be. But you are precious in His sight, worth more than diamonds, worth dying for even.

 

[annakappa]

It's tough! I know someone who, if asked forgiveness, would most probably deny it. You have done your part. Just keep peace in your heart! Anne

 

[november_moon]

My advice is to just accept that this friendship is over and move on. Not every friendship has staying power. Sometimes an initial connection fizzles out. Sometimes people get to know one another and realize that they don't actually have the connection they thought they did. It happens. I don't know the details of your friendship with this person - what either of you did or said - but if you apologized and he is not interested in repairing the friendship, then it is what it is.

Since this does bother you so much, you might consider doing an after-action review to determine if there was something in your demeanor or actions that put this person off, not to try to fix this relationship, but for the sake of future relationships. You said that you were excited about a new friendship and he thought you crossed boundaries - maybe you were pushy and that is something you need to watch that in the future. Look for patterns in other relationships that you have had.

 

[Tumbleweed]

You guys are all spot on. Thank you for the advice, encouragement and compassion.

@Rebekah, yes I am a Christian and I thank you so much for your wisdom and truth.

You all are awesome!!

Peace and Love be yours....................

 

[karenfromcali]

Hello everyone new and old.

Hi Tumbleweed.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I have a very similar personality and know how these situations can feel. Don't give up on being the loving person you are. The right friend will accept you as they find you.
With love in Christ.
Karen

 

[Tia Valeria]

You have done your best to do what you know is right - and asked for foregiveness. All that you yourself can do now is move forward with your life, but be prepared to 'keep the lines open'. Then if your friend wants to make contact there might be room for friendship again but probably at a different level.
There is a saying 'Let go, and let God'

 

[David]

(Edit)

Tumbleweed, you are not responsible for the actions and responses of others, you are only responsible for the actions and responses of yourself. You write ...

"I thought I was tough enough to just walk away from this kind of situation, but it hurts me deeply because 1: I can't talk to him anymore and 2: even though he's read my apology he hasn't acknowledged it."

What this shows is that you desire reality to be different from what it is, you want the world - in this case a particular person - to act in a certain way, which will then make you happy. Tumbleweed, you have to let go of your pre-conceived ideas of how the world should be and accept the world as it actually is - then there will be no hurt, no pain in your moving within the world. It is as it is, the universe presents things to you, you have to deal with them. Being 'good' doesn't stop 'bad' things from happening as there aren't any 'good' or 'bad' things, karma is not 'good karma' and 'bad karma' - there is just the universe unfolding. So what is important is not what happens, not how people respond to you, but how you, the inner you, responds to the world.
So, Tumbleweed - stop expecting the world to be a certain way, stop trying in your mind to alter the actions of another, it will keep you unhappy - free yourself of that, let it go, put it down like a heavy suitcase and walk away - all is well you know - all is well.

xxx

 

[soch]

Tumbleweed
Thank you for your post, takes courage to open such hurt to 'strangers'.
William Blake had an interesting thought here.....

"It is easier to forgive an Enemy than to forgive a Friend."

soch

 

[t2andreo]

This entire dialog is simply AWESOME! Would that we could, somehow, live our life entirely on a Camino...sigh...

Thank you to all who have contributed. It made my day.

 

[John and Mandi]

Self awareness is wonderful unless it becomes self detriment. It is great to learn about ones self but do not fight who you are for the sake of another. Pushy to one may be expected and accepted dependence for another. While it is important to always remain true there are things we need to improve to fully embrace ourselves and others. The line is thin and becomes finer the more often we walk it.

Your current lesson may not be tied to this specific person but the desire to have a new deeply connected relationship. Sometimes we must find ourselves lost to see.

-John

 

[JohnMcM]

Is anyone else dealing with a non forgiving person?

Hello Tumbleweed,

I guess I'm replying because your post reminds me a little of someone I once was.

Once, I would anguish over people's responses to my apologies or when I actually used the words "forgive me" and was then re-buffed. I spent many hours in reflection trying to work out what, where, how and when I had gone wrong in asking for forgiveness.

It's only now, after years of angst, guilt and worry that I have come to recognise I can only be held responsible for my actions and not for the actions, or in-actions of others.

I still make mistakes and will no doubt continue to do so. I will continue to apologise and ask for forgiveness. I will however no longer take ownership of the other person's response.

If you will allow me to offer you a thought?

As long as you know in your heart you have tried to repair any breaks you believe you have created, and your offer of healing is rejected, do you need to take responsibility for the actions of the other person? No-one has the right to take away our responsibilty to ourself.

Kind Regards
John

 

[Kanga]

Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are made in the image of God. As the Quakers remind us, we hold the Light within us. That thought may help you to get past the reaction or judgment by others.

 

[pilgrim b]

Hello Tumbleweed, don't be too hard on yourself forgive yourself you are only human, you are loved by God just as you are. Also all the people you meet (your brothers and sisters) they are only human too, forgive them, and love them. Gods loves them too !
I need to remind myself of this every day of my life, as you must, on your own daily pilgrimage. Your friend also has to find her own Way also!

 

[hampshire!tim]

All the comments and views are great.

I just wanted to add that forgiveness encompasses acceptance, acceptance of many dimensions, including perhaps the dimension that the lack of response is due to the other person's issues with communicating feelings. Accepting that (if it is the case here) delivers a gift of freedom for you, warmth for them, all without pressure or pushy-ness.

For me, becoming able to accept without judgement, recrimination, sadness is the key to achieving a positive response and even perhaps a change. The paradox of giving up the desire to change magically brings about the change that might otherwise have been wished for.

Hope this makes some sense. Ignore if not ;-)

 

[Wotever]

There is no problem in any situation that faith will not solve.

 

[jpflavin1]

Hello everyone new and old.

When walking the Camino, I prayed everyday for forgiveness from anything I might have done or said that could have been offensive to someone or if I lost my patience or, well you get the picture. I wasn't able to ask the people involved for forgiveness because they could have been such brief encounters that once I realized my behavior was ungodly they were long gone. Some people may not have even noticed my bad manners (butting in, having a brief negative reaction, etc.) but the action would weigh heavy on my heart, enough to ask for forgiveness. I know while walking everyday, I was forgiven my transgressions because it was God doing the forgiving.

Off the Camino I have asked directly a person I offended for forgiveness and well, I've heard nary a peep. The offense didn't seem all that big but apparently enough to not talk to me again. My transgression? In my eyes: being excited about a new found friendship and wanting to expand that friendship, explore the connection. In his eyes: pushing the boundaries.

I thought I was tough enough to just walk away from this kind of situation, but it hurts me deeply because 1: I can't talk to him anymore and 2: even though he's read my apology he hasn't acknowledged it.

Is anyone else dealing with a non forgiving person? Have you forgiven those who ask? Does the Camino hold your transgressions?

How I wish I was on the Camino again just for this reason alone, unfailing forgiveness. Oh the freedom of forgiveness.

Peace be with you and may the Lord guide your steps.

Tumbleweed:

It is difficult to read a post like this and not respond in a way that reflects our own life experiences (baggage), without really having all the facts.

I firmly believe that change is one of the few constants there are in life. Instead of accepting change, exclusive of moral/ethical issues, we expend vast amounts of time and energy resisting. I am not saying we should not try to learn from these experiences but if the answer is not forthcoming, we need to let go. Would not that energy be better served working on ourselves, living life, trying new things?

While this is a painful time in your life, do not let it control you to the point you miss out on all the other wonderful opportunities life has to offer you.

Ultreya,
Joe

 

[lawrence graves]

Tumbelweed,
When I walked the Camino Frances in Oct.-Nov., I too prayed for forgiveness. I felt compelled to express a prayer for forgiveness in the form of an email to eight of my nine brothers and sisters. I said, in effect, I am sorry if I ever bullied you, or slighted you, or hurt you in any way, and please forgive me for I love you. Each one responded in kind that I was forgiven.
As for the one brother, the oldest, who has been estranged from his family for over 10 years, I asked my brothers and sisters to forgive him and invite him to our annual Thanksgiving gathering. He said thanks but no thanks. Our mother is 93 and suffers at the estrangement of her son and our brother. I felt towards the end of my Camino that least we had reached out and that the Good Lord had forgiven us for our trespasses as we had forgiven our brother for his trespasses.
We will continue to reach out to him, but we go on with our lives. The Camino has a wonderful cathartic power and I believe it is the power of the Holy Spirit. buen camino - lorenzo