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The big map o the Caminos de Santiago

"Ghosted" by a pilgrim friend

Una2018

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Sarria to Santiago 2018
#1
Hi All,

This is the first time I write on a forum and I am a bit nervous. I walked the last part of the Camino Frances in September and spent most of the time with a fellow pilgrim from the other side of the world. By the end of it we felt as if something romantic had developed between us, however we were unsure whether this was mostly due to how emotional the Camino had made us. To me, he was most importantly a friend and someone I was counting to be in touch with once we would be back to our routine. I really treated him like a close friend and I hope I proved to be the same to him as the things we talked about were extremely personal. He was then going on to do more travelling and because of that during our first online interactions I thought I would not start huge conversations and did not tell him how hard it was for me to be back to my "old life". It has now been over a month he has literally disappeared online. It looks like his family is ok, so I am thinking he purposely wanted to cut bridges. He had a very difficult year before doing the Camino and I wonder if he then felt he needed to get rid of whatever reminded him of it, including me because we talked a lot about it his misfortunes. I feel really stupid, confused. I don't make friends easily and at the moment I feel so disposable. I would love to do the Camino again in the future, but I couldn't bear to go through something like that again.
I was wondering if something similar has happened to you too.
Thanks a lot,
U
 

JCLima

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Caminho Português (Out/2016)
#2
I'm the one that usually ghosts people. Not because I'm mean or I dont care for the person, I simply have a hard time keeping in touch. I'm terrible with small talk, specially online, and instead of trying to hold to a relationship that would not work I choose to hold to the good memories I have with that person.
But usually I warn people about it. I make it clear that probably I wont responde to a lot of messages but that does not mean I dont think about the person.

Anyway, that is just me, I dont know his reasons.
 

Via2010

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
06/07 & 12 Camino Francés, 08-10 Via de la Plata, 13/14 & 17 Camino Portugués, 18 Camino Primitivo
#3
Hi Una,

I can well understand your confusion. But on the camino you meet people from different cultural and social backgrounds. Some make friends easily, others do not.

With some people you exchange adresses and hope to keep in touch. which others you miss to do so and you regret later. I think this is part of the camino experience.

I am still in contact with a French pilgrim we met on the VdP in 2010. He came for a visit last month. My mom still exchanges letters with an elderly german lady we met on the VdP in 2009. I am also still in exchange with an italian couple with whom I walked the Camino Portugues last august.

This year I exchanged E-Mail-Adresses with a couple from Hawai. We wrote each other two or three times after our camino, but that´s it. Similar happend with a german pilgrim whom we met on our first camino 2006. I gave my phone-number and E-Mail-adress to a nice lady from France and really expected her to respond. But she did not.

On the other hand there are also situations in which I regret deeply that I did not exchange E-Mail-adresses and lost the contact.

BC
Alexandra
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances (2015); Camino Norte/Primitivo (2016); Camino Frances (2017); Le Puy (June 2018)
#5
U, I am sorry to hear of your hurt and the loss you feel of the connection you had made with this person.

I do agree with the above comments as I could have written them myself. In 2015 I made two good friendships that have lasted and we have met up yearly since then. In 2016 I met two individuals whose company I really enjoyed, yet failed to get their email addresses (I am not on FB) which I have regretted. In 2018 I met two women from NZ who were good friends walking together on the LePuy. Unfortunately I only met them the final two days of that camino, but we walked together and meshed well with not only our ages, but also other things in common. We did exchange emails and communicated several times early on after returning home, but they fizzled out within a month.

Every camino is different and no two are alike. I hope if you desire to walk again you will not let the fear of potential hurts from others keep you from going and as a result miss out on some new and possibly great experiences.
 

Marc S.

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
2012-2018 Frances, Norte, Salvador, Aragones, Portuguese, Via Regia, Elisabethpfad, Jakibspaad.
#6
Similar things have happened to me, being ghosted & probably ghosting myself, not just on the camino but also on other occasions travelling abroad. I guess some friendships last a lifetime, and some last only for a short period of time in specific circumstances. And sometimes you do keep in touch with someone, soon to find out that the friendship was indeed based on the specific circumstances. What I learned from this: some friendships may be temporary, but they can still really be valuable and meaningful.

I understand you currently do not make friends very easily - a feeling I know because I have had it myself (and sometimes still have). Maybe you could also see this short friendship as a prove to yourself that you are capable to make friends. It would be a shame if your overall conclusion is a feeling of being disposable, while you can actually see this short term friendship as something very valuable. Although I realise this may be hard right now, I hope you will eventually see the positive of your experience.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Frances from Astorga (2018)
Frances/Invierno from SJPP (2019)
#7
I agree with the comments above, about trying to hold on to the positives of your Camino experience.
I know it’s really hard but try not to feel sad or bitter about the “loss” of this friendship, and to keep close to your heart the happy memories that you have.
Also...have you considered asking him why?
 

MKalcolm M

Solvitur ambulando - It is solved by walking
Camino(s) past & future
north route spring 2013
#8
I fell completely in love on the camino with a woman from Germany. She came to live with me in Scotland, and our long term plan was to move to Spain together. However, my circumstances changed and I got full custody of my 10 year old daughter, so moving overseas was no longer an option. After two and a half years, the relationship ended. I am grateful for our time together. This has not stopped me walking the camino, I have returned three times since then. Each camino is different, don't be scared to walk (or fall in love) again.
 

Footlose

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
May 2019
#9
I am so sorry this has happened and for what you are going through now. Abandonment is a very hard emotion to deal with. The following poem has helped me a lot to get over things that was very hurtful and difficult to deal with .

" LET IT GO

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is

never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not

joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them

stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it

just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know

when people's part in YOUR story is over so that you don't keep trying

to live in the past. You've got to know when the past is the past. I've

got the gift of good-bye. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm

hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me

to have he'll give it to me. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was

never intended for your life, then you need to...... Let it go.

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..... Let it go. If someone can't treat

you right, love you back, and see your worth..... Let them go.

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ........ Let it go. Let the past be the past. "
 
Camino(s) past & future
CF11, CF12, CP13, CF14, CA15, S.Anton15, CF15, CI15
Ditch Pig16, CF17, CP17, CdN, CM, CF18, LePuy19
#10
Let it go, but don't let it poison your future plans to walk the Camino.
Since 2010 I have made many long term, very enduring friendships with members of this forum and former members of this forum. Some stay in touch on a regular basis, some just check in once and while when they feel like talking, many of them have become FB friends and email friends after leaving the forum.
 
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Camino(s) past & future
cycled from Pamplona Sep 2015;Frances, walked from St Jean 2017.
#11
Let it go, but don't let it poison your future plans to walk the Camino.
Since 2010 I have made many long term, very enduring friendships with members of this forum and former members of this forum. Some stay in touch on a regular basis, some just check in once and while when they feel like talking, they have become FB friends and email friends after leaving the forum.
Hola Don - you have stated (encapuslated) the situation so much better than I ever could. Meeting a stranger, walking with them for 20/30 days, sharing meals, life experiences in this foreign field does (I believe) open you up to a "what if" feeling - can the life/love of the Camino continue? Well sometimes it can't and then yes you have to let go!!
 

Finisterre

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Sarria 2001,
Porto 2006,
Valenca 2008,
Finisterre 2010,
SJdPP 2012,
Tui 2014.

No plans to return, yet.
#15
Una, do you know the film Brief Encounter?
It's rather good.

I'll be your friend. Sadly for you I'm old, boring, married, romance is out of the question, and I'm bad at getting back to people. But I am also easy, cheery, and kind. And I've got a cat.

I suspect that this isn't quite what you were hoping for. :)
 

Una2018

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Sarria to Santiago 2018
#16
Hi All,
Thanks a lot for your posts which have cheered me up a lot. I think I am now able to put the whole thing into perspective. It's great to know that so many of us have had such wonderful encounters while walking the Camino and you're right, I should accept the present and be grateful for having such a positive experience. Hopefully by the time spring comes I will be mentally ready for the next Camino!
@Leibniz I unfortunately have no contact with him... he no longer seems to use the phone number I have. But that's ok.
@Finisterre haha thanks, I must look that film up! It was great to find this forum and "meet" such a bunch of nice people.
@wisepilgrim sometimes communication just fizzles out but if there are different expectations a little goodbye message is so much better than silence.
A big hug to you all and thanks again!
Una
 

RJM

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
A few times, but soon again I hope....
#17
Bear in mind, men will be men, even on the Camino.....
 
Camino(s) past & future
C/F: 2013, 2014
C/M: 2016
C/P: 2015, 2017
C/I: 2018
Voluntario: 2014 to 2018
#20
If we are correct in our assessment that the Camino, writ large, is a metaphor for life, then one might expect that the same sort of human interactions will occur. While in a microcosm of time and space, everything that happens in the 'real world' also happens on Camino.

I have heard it said that "what happens on Camino...stays on Camino..." Personally I think this is an oversimplification. But the essential thought is correct, IMHO.

When people are away from home, out of their conventional paradigm, and what passes for their normal lives, many behave differently. Good and bad, for better or worse, one finds the entire spectrum of behaviors on Camino.

I have been ghosted many times. It does not bother me and I do not take it personally, I accept that some folks are just not comfortable of my overly helpful and open nature. It is just who I am. At home, I live a quiet and circumscribed life, with nil family and few friends. This is partly due to the strictures of my professional career, from which I am now retired. But, the reasons do not matter. I view it as a sort of soft disability. I fight it and work in an opposite manner when I am on Camino or in Spain. The Camino, in this regard, becomes my therapy. I work very hard at it. I try to do whatever I can to help as many pilgrims as I can. it is simply what I do, and what I have become in my retirement.

I have given contact information many times, but rarely establish contact. On the other hand, and as BiarritzDon states above, I have made many enduring friendships here on the Forum and while serving as a volunteer. It is those shared experiences that establish the bond. In fact, I have more Camino-related friends than I have total family members and friends at home.

In my observation and experience a pilgrim needs to develop the openness to reach out, and the discretion to retract that outreach at times. This is something we learn in our normal lives, but frequently forget to pack for our pilgrimage. It is no different than life at home. Sometimes the seed sprouts and sometimes it does not...

Another way of stating it is "...don't leave your 'street-smarts' or sixth-sense at home when going on Camino..." Although the stimuli and external conditions may differ greatly from your home paradigm, people remain people. Some behave better on Camino, some worse.

The first rule is to be true to yourself. Take care of yourself and you will be able to help others. Secondly, please know that, we in the Forum are an extension of your Camino. We seek to help, nurture, support, assist and advise. For many of us, the Forum is a second family.

Welcome to the family...
 
Camino(s) past & future
C/F: 2013, 2014
C/M: 2016
C/P: 2015, 2017
C/I: 2018
Voluntario: 2014 to 2018
#23
Brianne, in the good old days, i recall that we just called it "...being rude..."

As a younger man, many, many years ago, trying to gain traction in the dating game, I became an expert at "being ghosted." ;)

Life teaches so many lessons. Among the MOST important is the skill to assess any situation and rapidly determine what is truly important, and what is not. Being ghosted is not among life's most critical issues.
 

Zordmot

First timer Spring 2019
Camino(s) past & future
April-May 2019
#24
I am so sorry this has happened and for what you are going through now. Abandonment is a very hard emotion to deal with. The following poem has helped me a lot to get over things that was very hurtful and difficult to deal with .

" LET IT GO

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is

never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not

joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them

stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it

just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know

when people's part in YOUR story is over so that you don't keep trying

to live in the past. You've got to know when the past is the past. I've

got the gift of good-bye. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm

hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me

to have he'll give it to me. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was

never intended for your life, then you need to...... Let it go.

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..... Let it go. If someone can't treat

you right, love you back, and see your worth..... Let them go.

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ........ Let it go. Let the past be the past. "
The truth is that every relationship of every sort is limited in time and scope. The time and the scope are beyond our control. Every relationship is about letting go and saying goodbye. This difficult lesson is part, I believe, of why we are sent to this planet for this very short period. Let this man go wherever his path leads him. Be grateful for what he taught you, which is never lost. He obviously brought out from you something within you that needed to be discovered. You move forward with some new knowledge about yourself, which is a blessing. Now is the time to discover that what he gave you is now yours to give yourself. Buen Camino beautiful person!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances (2015); Camino Norte/Primitivo (2016); Camino Frances (2017); Le Puy (June 2018)
#25
Being ghosted is such a 21st century term. Whatever did we do in the old days. I miss them for sure. Great comments fellow camino travelers
I only first heard the term 'ghosted' on this thread. Another new one (for me anyway), is 'walking the camino organically'. Never heard that expression until walking with a camino buddy. When I asked what it meant she said it means to wander along and stop at night wherever you feel like it. I've always called that 'winging it'. :D
 
Camino(s) past & future
Frances from Astorga (2018)
Frances/Invierno from SJPP (2019)
#27
The truth is that every relationship of every sort is limited in time and scope. The time and the scope are beyond our control. Every relationship is about letting go and saying goodbye. This difficult lesson is part, I believe, of why we are sent to this planet for this very short period. Let this man go wherever his path leads him. Be grateful for what he taught you, which is never lost. He obviously brought out from you something within you that needed to be discovered. You move forward with some new knowledge about yourself, which is a blessing. Now is the time to discover that what he gave you is now yours to give yourself. Buen Camino beautiful person!
What beautiful wisdom - I'm sure this could be something we all learn from and take comfort in. :)
 

Felipe

Veteran Member
#29
"Being ghosted"...English is such a complex and wonderful language. Maybe some relationship with the Patrick Swayze - Demi Moore movie?
Well, coming back to the issue, what happens to love in the Camino (no personal experience...) is also what happens to friendships. Sometimes you walk many stages with somebody, choose the same albergue, share occasionally breakfast and dinner, even a great hug in Compostela, but there is no appetite for sharing e-mails or prolonging the relationship any further. I respect that...maybe it is that you don't want in your daily life somebody who knows that you are a very noisy snorer...o_O:)
Or in reverse, maybe you don’t want your “Camigos” in your "real" life, for different reasons. I have walked very amicably with some guys who, in other contexts, I would not have (probably) friended because of too contrasting ideas about social or political issues. You “feel” that and try to avoid these topics.
Also, I met a cheering and very polite young lady that, after many days, told us that she worked in a SWAT team (we have noticed that in the mornings she used to make impressive one-arm push-ups). A tough life, to be sure... She did not elaborate, and we did not ask.
Not a general rule, on the other side. I exchange Christmas mails and photos of our trekkings with a French couple, and maybe we will walk together again, someday.
 
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JillGat

la tierra encantada
Camino(s) past & future
C. Frances
SJPP - Finisterre - Muxia, May 2016
C. Frances, Sept 2017
Via de La Plata (spring, 2019)
#30
The truth is that every relationship of every sort is limited in time and scope. The time and the scope are beyond our control. Every relationship is about letting go and saying goodbye. This difficult lesson is part, I believe, of why we are sent to this planet for this very short period. Let this man go wherever his path leads him. Be grateful for what he taught you, which is never lost. He obviously brought out from you something within you that needed to be discovered. You move forward with some new knowledge about yourself, which is a blessing. Now is the time to discover that what he gave you is now yours to give yourself. Buen Camino beautiful person!
Yes.
It's hard enough, transitioning back to real life after the Camino, but especially tough dealing with losing your buddy suddenly, too. I have met people traveling, and gotten close and shared stuff quickly, too. It happens much more easily away from home, and I think that's because you know you have a short, circumscribed time together and none of the other rules from home seem to apply. It doesn't mean you PLAN to walk away on purpose, but just knowing that that's the plan already when you meet on the road makes it easier to share your personal life more intimately, quickly. You don't have time to let the relationship evolve slowly like they do when you're at home. And you know that when you part, it is because that is what travelers do, it isn't the same as breaking up.

The key part of the above could be the "Saying Goodbye" part. Having no closure is tough, and then you ruminate... what happened or what they are thinking, if it's your "fault." There are a lot of people out there, I've found out, who just generally have a hard time with saying goodbye for a variety of reasons. I hate that. I want to know. I like the advice above to Let It Go, let him go, and don't beat yourself up. I think we've all been through that!

Definitely don't stalk him, though.
 
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Via2010

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
06/07 & 12 Camino Francés, 08-10 Via de la Plata, 13/14 & 17 Camino Portugués, 18 Camino Primitivo
#31
Very well said. Thinking about my encounter with the two Italians on my camino to Finisterre/Muxía it really hits the nail on the head.

The longer I am back home the more I regret, that I did not spend more time with them and probably offended them by rejecting their suggestions to walk to the lighthouse together or to share our lunch. Reflecting our conversations I think a mutual friendship or even more could have developed. But when still on the camino I did not want to rush in and wanted things to develop more slowly. And finally we agreed on spending the remaining time on the Airport together, but we missed each other after they went to their check-in.

So there is no chance to catch up where we stopped as I do not even know their name nor their adress. The only hope that remains ist that there might be another camino.

BC
Alexandra
 
Camino(s) past & future
Spring 2016: Camino Frances, Finisterre and Muxia
#34
@Una2018, you have received excellent responses. This has happened to me as well -- having deep conversations where much intimate detail and feelings have been shared, then nothing.

I wonder if some are embarrassed about such sharing and somehow need to back off. We don't know. We'll maybe never know. But it does hurt, and I'm sorry you've experienced this.

May you heal well. Many blessings!
 

JillGat

la tierra encantada
Camino(s) past & future
C. Frances
SJPP - Finisterre - Muxia, May 2016
C. Frances, Sept 2017
Via de La Plata (spring, 2019)
#35
Very well said. Thinking about my encounter with the two Italians on my camino to Finisterre/Muxía it really hits the nail on the head.

The longer I am back home the more I regret, that I did not spend more time with them and probably offended them by rejecting their suggestions to walk to the lighthouse together or to share our lunch. Reflecting our conversations I think a mutual friendship or even more could have developed. But when still on the camino I did not want to rush in and wanted things to develop more slowly. And finally we agreed on spending the remaining time on the Airport together, but we missed each other after they went to their check-in.

So there is no chance to catch up where we stopped as I do not even know their name nor their adress. The only hope that remains ist that there might be another camino.

BC
Alexandra
Argg, this makes me want to cry! How to find them. Can you check for their names at an albergue you shared? There are even some very short interludes with interesting people along the way that later made me wish I had some way to follow up with them. Need to start getting email addresses as soon as a conversation continues after "Buen Camino." Or making up business cards you hand out to everybody with your name and contact info. Or maybe not. Maybe it's best to just let those moments stay perfect the way they were.
 

JillGat

la tierra encantada
Camino(s) past & future
C. Frances
SJPP - Finisterre - Muxia, May 2016
C. Frances, Sept 2017
Via de La Plata (spring, 2019)
#36
In the beautiful town of Villafranca, I bought a bottle of cheap, but very good red wine and couldn't drink it all. An older (well, my age...) Romanian guy was in the bunk next to me and, before going out to walk around, I told him about the wine that I had left in the kitchen, and that he was welcome to have some. When I came back later, there was a cake on my bed with a note from him, thanking me for the wine. So we ended up in the kitchen together, sharing the cake and wine. We started talking about art, and I told him I did mosaic art and gave him my card. That was the last I saw him.

Many months after I got home, around Christmastime, I got an email from him, thanking me again for the wine and conversation and wishing me happy holidays. What a nice surprise!
 

Via2010

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
06/07 & 12 Camino Francés, 08-10 Via de la Plata, 13/14 & 17 Camino Portugués, 18 Camino Primitivo
#37
Wonderful story, JillGat.

I tried quite a lot to trace them. The albergues we last stayed in could not help me because of their policy of privacy. As far as I found out, viewing only the public sites, they are not on facebook. I also never saw them use a smartphone. So it seems that they are a bit old-fashioned (as I am). Thus I checked italian pilgrim forums and registered my camino on the italian website "pelligrinibelluno". So, if they are interested, they can now trace me as I registered with my real name. If you look this up under "Google" you will find some photographs of me and the place I am working.

So we will see...
 
Camino(s) past & future
August to September 2016
#39
Brianne, in the good old days, i recall that we just called it "...being rude..."

As a younger man, many, many years ago, trying to gain traction in the dating game, I became an expert at "being ghosted." ;)

Life teaches so many lessons. Among the MOST important is the skill to assess any situation and rapidly determine what is truly important, and what is not. Being ghosted is not among life's most critical issues.
t2andreo thank you. I always enjoy the wisdom in the responses you share. Not only in this thread but several others as well!
 

Honey Bee

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Santiago June 2019
#40
I am so sorry this has happened and for what you are going through now. Abandonment is a very hard emotion to deal with. The following poem has helped me a lot to get over things that was very hurtful and difficult to deal with .

" LET IT GO

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is

never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not

joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them

stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it

just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know

when people's part in YOUR story is over so that you don't keep trying

to live in the past. You've got to know when the past is the past. I've

got the gift of good-bye. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm

hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me

to have he'll give it to me. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was

never intended for your life, then you need to...... Let it go.

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..... Let it go. If someone can't treat

you right, love you back, and see your worth..... Let them go.

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ........ Let it go. Let the past be the past. "

Thank you so much for sharing this poem. It is perfect and the timing is perfect.
Honey Bee
 
Camino(s) past & future
Planning on startting first time at e d of april start of may
#41
Holiday romance?? Things are different when youre away from home walking 26ish k every day!! Once you share a bit of youreself with someone else and they do the same it becomes more intense of a relationship!! A lot of people doing the camino are doing it because of trauma personally , physically and mentally!! Its a complex mix of all these combined with spirituality and ime sure finding peace!!
This combination throws up all possibilities when mixed together!
However some just do it for the challenge and dont get spiritually or emotionally attached☺
 

Georgina77

Vancouver Island in December
Camino(s) past & future
Future July 2015 hopefully......... did it awesome :)
#44
Hi All,

This is the first time I write on a forum and I am a bit nervous. I walked the last part of the Camino Frances in September and spent most of the time with a fellow pilgrim from the other side of the world. By the end of it we felt as if something romantic had developed between us, however we were unsure whether this was mostly due to how emotional the Camino had made us. To me, he was most importantly a friend and someone I was counting to be in touch with once we would be back to our routine. I really treated him like a close friend and I hope I proved to be the same to him as the things we talked about were extremely personal. He was then going on to do more travelling and because of that during our first online interactions I thought I would not start huge conversations and did not tell him how hard it was for me to be back to my "old life". It has now been over a month he has literally disappeared online. It looks like his family is ok, so I am thinking he purposely wanted to cut bridges. He had a very difficult year before doing the Camino and I wonder if he then felt he needed to get rid of whatever reminded him of it, including me because we talked a lot about it his misfortunes. I feel really stupid, confused. I don't make friends easily and at the moment I feel so disposable. I would love to do the Camino again in the future, but I couldn't bear to go through something like that again.
I was wondering if something similar has happened to you too.
Thanks a lot,
U
It is hard when you have this kind of experience Then to move forward after you let him into your world It appears he choose for some reason to back away from what you said .. I would not jump to conclusions as This kind of thing can happen and often does for many reasons It is not the caminos fault .. nor yours You don't know what is happening in his life and he maybe having issues he may have things he had planed todo and a relationship for him worries him at this time .. He may like you more than you think and is having issues with that there are a lot of reasons for this .. if you care about him give him some time and space .. and be cool if it is meant to be it will work out if not well that will be okay in time too .. dont push and dont rush him just let him think about what he wants I hope that helps
 
Camino(s) past & future
Walker from St Jean to Santiago in September "2017" YAY
#45
This was given to me some time ago when I needed it. Very wise words.

A R E A S O N,
A S E A S O N,
O R A L I F E T I M E

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. –

Author Unknown
 

lissie45

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Planning to walk Frances 2019
#46
Being ghosted is such a 21st century term. Whatever did we do in the old days. I miss them for sure. Great comments fellow camino travelers
The term is new to me too, I’ve been ghosting people I meet while I travel though for decades. It’s just someone you have things in common with when travelling, are not necessarily people you have in common with in “ real life”
 
#47
I think we've all had "situational friends" - the most common is probably our work friends. When you work together, you are close, you spend lots of time together, know lots of things about one another, maybe go to lunch, happy hour, even a barbeque at each other's houses. Then someone quits and gets a new job and you drift apart - you might sort of keep in touch for a bit, but then you don't. There are some people that you will remain friends with, but most you will rarely see again. We accept this pretty well in the work world.

With the Camino, I think it can be harder to accept the phenomenon of "situational friends" because the Camino can be such a transformative experience and we often share deeply with people whom we have just met. Our Camino relationships seem like they should matter more than other relationships - and some of them do - but most don't last.
 

Jermann75

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances 2018
#48
My suggestion is not to make up a story around why he might not be getting back in touch with you. There is no way to know so leave it at the facts "he didn't return the email". If we make up meaning behind the facts then we can drive ourselves crazy wondering why.

This might be hard but try focusing on yourself. Give yourself extra self love. Practice gratitude. Feel your emotions deeply (don't stuff as what we resist persists). So if you're sad be sad and cry. If you're angry, scream or yell at the top of your lungs.

I believe strongly that the universe (and the camino for that matter) give us what we need and want. Sometimes this comes in the way of learning. When I did my camino I wondered what each person I met was there to teach me. I reflected back on what the hard situations were there for me to learn and grow from.

It's not easy. I totally get it. Especially if you are in love with this person. But turn the focus inward to yourself and give yourself so much love in this moment. Gratitude is practice that will help you see above the situation. And I thank you for caring so deeply for another human being. Our world needs more love for each other and you are a shining example of bringing this to our world. <3
 

annakappa

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
Part frances jun 07/rest frances may- jun 2008/Frances sept-oct 2009/ Sanabres Oct 2010/Frances sept-oct 2011/Aragones Sept-Oct 2012. Hospitalero Sept 2010, Amiga in Pilgrim's Office Oct 2013. Part Primitivo Oct 2013. Portugues from Porto June 2015.
#49
Also I have never heard of this expression. When I read it as the heading of this post, I immediately thought of one of my aunts who swore that she once lived in a haunted house and often saw a lovely lady ghost🙄
 

Rex

Pilgrim Trekker
Camino(s) past & future
SJPdP to Santiago (2013)
Lisboa to Santiago (2018)
#51
Reminds me of the Pink Martini song, “Hey Eugene”. I’ve been Eugene and I’ve also been the singer/lyrics writer. Sometimes the best of intentions go awry, particularly when you make promises to keep in touch, visit another country, etc... especially when you are in an extraordinary situation (including having been over-served as it were, in my case). Mind you, my intentions (or the other party’s) were all made while engaged in a strenuous event that created bonds between otherwise unlikely compadres. Upon returning to our various continents, some of the bonds fractured or frayed and others have become stronger over time.
Go on another Camino with anticipation that good and wonderful things will happen. Don’t let the post-Camino letdown and disappointment in your friend’s failure to communicate color your next experience. Enjoy the walk and the people and expect good to happen.
Buen Camino
 
Camino(s) past & future
CF SJPdP to SdC
(May 2015)
CF Sarria to SdC
(May 2016)
CF SJPDP-SdC
(Apr/May 2018)
VdlP (2020)
#52
If we are correct in our assessment that the Camino, writ large, is a metaphor for life, then one might expect that the same sort of human interactions will occur. While in a microcosm of time and space, everything that happens in the 'real world' also happens on Camino.

I have heard it said that "what happens on Camino...stays on Camino..." Personally I think this is an oversimplification. But the essential thought is correct, IMHO.

When people are away from home, out of their conventional paradigm, and what passes for their normal lives, many behave differently. Good and bad, for better or worse, one finds the entire spectrum of behaviors on Camino.

I have been ghosted many times. It does not bother me and I do not take it personally, I accept that some folks are just not comfortable of my overly helpful and open nature. It is just who I am. At home, I live a quiet and circumscribed life, with nil family and few friends. This is partly due to the strictures of my professional career, from which I am now retired. But, the reasons do not matter. I view it as a sort of soft disability. I fight it and work in an opposite manner when I am on Camino or in Spain. The Camino, in this regard, becomes my therapy. I work very hard at it. I try to do whatever I can to help as many pilgrims as I can. it is simply what I do, and what I have become in my retirement.

I have given contact information many times, but rarely establish contact. On the other hand, and as BiarritzDon states above, I have made many enduring friendships here on the Forum and while serving as a volunteer. It is those shared experiences that establish the bond. In fact, I have more Camino-related friends than I have total family members and friends at home.

In my observation and experience a pilgrim needs to develop the openness to reach out, and the discretion to retract that outreach at times. This is something we learn in our normal lives, but frequently forget to pack for our pilgrimage. It is no different than life at home. Sometimes the seed sprouts and sometimes it does not...

Another way of stating it is "...don't leave your 'street-smarts' or sixth-sense at home when going on Camino..." Although the stimuli and external conditions may differ greatly from your home paradigm, people remain people. Some behave better on Camino, some worse.

The first rule is to be true to yourself. Take care of yourself and you will be able to help others. Secondly, please know that, we in the Forum are an extension of your Camino. We seek to help, nurture, support, assist and advise. For many of us, the Forum is a second family.

Welcome to the family...
As always, some very wise and considered views @t2andreo .

It got me thinking about how we behave whilst at home and how we behave on Camino.

On one level, there could be that holiday persona. We let our hair down, are far less inhibited whilst among strangers and how we dress and act can be very different to our 'normal' selves. How many times have you got home to look at the shirt or swimsuit you bought on holiday and found yourself wondering "what was I thinking?"

One of my favourite songs is Vienna by Ultravox. About the intensity of a holiday romance that was soon forgotten. I'm sure many of us have experienced that, particularly as teenagers!

Does the same apply to the Camino? Yes and No. or....Maybe ;)

For many, I'm sure they are the exact same person on Camino as at home, but for others, (myself included) we can be quite different people. Just different. Not 'playing a role' or trying to be something we are not.
For me at least, what happens on Camino is that I can become my authentic self.

Like you Andreo, my 'normal' life is not at all social. I work. Just work. Always have. Sometimes 6 or 7 days a week. I have kids that I see a few times a year. But no Social life, no friends. I socialise at work with colleagues, but that's it. My mind is always on work.... Pat and I try to take breaks but work is always just out of sight somewhere. (And before you ask............I hate it. But I do it because of a responsibility for others. Long story OK. No need to go there).

So for me, discovering the Camino allowed me to be me. Free from all the everyday work pressures and responsibilities. To totally unplug. To relax. To appreciate my surroundings. To appreciate the company of fellow Pilgrims. To just be. Something I can't achieve at home.

That first Camino was like a crazy person suddenly realising what sanity could feel like. And freedom.

Post Camino? I'm not the best communicator. Except maybe here. I don't really keep in touch with those that I met on Camino. I have the best of intentions, but life just seems to get in the way. I exchange a couple of emails, but what are we going to talk about? What we had in common was back there in Spain..... Now I'm back home others things crowd my thoughts constantly.........

Some people keep in touch. Some don't. The reasons I'm sure are many and complicated. I'm not a psychologist.

But I think we need to be gentle on ourselves and on those we meet. Walking a Camino, particularly a long one, is an intense experience emotionally.

And maybe balancing or reconciling who we are on Camino, with who we are at home, can be a challenge for some?

Just saying.........
 

Debora

Beautiful Burgos
Camino(s) past & future
SJPdP to Santiago May (2016)
#53
Sometimes I read a book and it's so good that I'm sad when I'm finished. I slip it up on a shelf and every once in a while I walk by the shelf and smile. And if anyone ever asks me about the book...I say, "It was so good. I loved it!" Forever I will have a fondness in my heart for it...because it affected my life and I will always be grateful it did.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Primitivo,2017,Argonne and salvador,sept.2019
#54
Hi All,

This is the first time I write on a forum and I am a bit nervous. I walked the last part of the Camino Frances in September and spent most of the time with a fellow pilgrim from the other side of the world. By the end of it we felt as if something romantic had developed between us, however we were unsure whether this was mostly due to how emotional the Camino had made us. To me, he was most importantly a friend and someone I was counting to be in touch with once we would be back to our routine. I really treated him like a close friend and I hope I proved to be the same to him as the things we talked about were extremely personal. He was then going on to do more travelling and because of that during our first online interactions I thought I would not start huge conversations and did not tell him how hard it was for me to be back to my "old life". It has now been over a month he has literally disappeared online. It looks like his family is ok, so I am thinking he purposely wanted to cut bridges. He had a very difficult year before doing the Camino and I wonder if he then felt he needed to get rid of whatever reminded him of it, including me because we talked a lot about it his misfortunes. I feel really stupid, confused. I don't make friends easily and at the moment I feel so disposable. I would love to do the Camino again in the future, but I couldn't bear to go through something like that again.
I was wondering if something similar has happened to you too.
Thanks a lot,
U
Two parts of the four agreements,are:1 don't take anything personal and:2 don't make assumptions. Often what we think is all about us,actually has nothing to do with us. Often it is our ego that thinks the world revolves around us. Your friend might have a multitude of reasons for not answering. Years ago,I was writing a woman and did not for some time,and she became angry with me for not writing.Actually my house had burned down and I had no way of contacting her,until she wrote me. See where assumptions can lead us.
 

Una2018

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Sarria to Santiago 2018
#55
Thanks a lot you for this second round of comments. It is so wonderful to read how caring people can be, a new experience for me who have never really used forums. Your comments have shown me how multifaceted one's actions can be and encouraged me not to take things for granted.

@t2andreo I agree and I don't. On my last evening before getting to Santiago I was staring at the bunk bed slats above me in the albergue. They were full of things scribbled by past pilgrims, but none of them was a swear word, a vulgar drawing or the usual nonsensical things people scribble. They were all positive, deep messages. I have never seen anything like it. So yes, the Camino reflects life, but I believe that because of its meaning for most people (religious in my case, spiritual, meditative, etc. for others), people in general are more respectful and caring.
@annakappa I learnt the term two weeks before doing the Camino and talked about it with my friend saying it had never happened to me and that it must be awful to experience something like that. I think I believe the theory that some only things exist once you have named them.
@AMDG56 I suppose it could be a possibility as well.
@Rex I have just listened to the song you mentioned and indeed I had bloodshot eyes most of the time when I was talking to my friend! Nothing to do with alcoholic beverages, it was because of the miles covered and lack of sleep in the dormitory.

I must say I tend (and try) to be the same person on holiday and at home, but I understand that everybody is different. I'll have to remember that on my next Camino. And I'll have to learn some Spanish as well so that I can truly communicate with everybody and possibly spend more time with groups rather than individuals. Thank you all,

Una
 

Nick B

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Frances - May/June 2018
Portugese - (2019)
Norte - (2020)
#56
Hi Una,

Faith, silence, prayers, love = pilgrim

The above was written in both English and Spanish on the slat on the bunk above my bed my last night prior to Santiago, took a photo and refer to it on a regular basis as the positive side of humanity on the Camino.
 

Oravasaari

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
2015 SJpdP to Fistera, 2016 Leon to Fistera, 2017 CF-Salvadore-Primitivo, 2018 CF run/walk
#57
Ghosting of camino buddies can also happen by mistake, for example where people have social media accounts but only login a couple of times a year (me!). So until I'd replied to a couple of 4 month old messages my camino contacts must have thought I was deliberately ghosting them! By and large though I haven't given out my details to many people on previous caminos.
 
Camino(s) past & future
May, 2017; return, leaving SJPP May 24, 2018
#58
What an interesting thread. I have had many wonderful relationships on my two Caminos---some lasted for a very short time, while others continue to this day. I have helped others and been helped by others. I have met some who I didn't want to continue with, and I have been brushed aside by some who didn't want to continue with me.
The worst thing about the Camino, for me, is the thought that I may never see a special friend again. I have hopes of traveling to both Europe and Asia to see my special friends.
Over all, I wouldn't trade the experience.
Buen Camino to all. What wonderful memories we share.
 

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