Heavy burden to carry

[LongRun64]

I am about to head out on the Camino Frances. Two weeks ago my elderly mother started to deteriorate rapidly.I have agonised over whether to continue with my plans. I am one of six siblings and we are all pulling together on this. But I will go in the knowledge that she may pass. And I know that I may return suddenly at any time. In my packing of lightweight items I am painfully aware of the heaviness of my anticipatory grief. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I fear I may weep my entire journey. I am so grateful for the length of time she has been in our lives but it is so hard to let go. I have told her I am going and I think she understood what I was saying. I want to send a postcard every day so at least she is as much a part of this journey as I can make it. I feel the Camino is a good place for me to be. Words and prayers may quietly aid my acceptance of the circle of life.

 

[Former member 49149]

I am about to head out on the Camino Frances. Two weeks ago my elderly mother started to deteriorate rapidly.I have agonised over whether to continue with my plans. I am one of six siblings and we are all pulling together on this. But I will go in the knowledge that she may pass. And I know that I may return suddenly at any time. In my packing of lightweight items I am painfully aware of the heaviness of my anticipatory grief. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I fear I may weep my entire journey. I am so grateful for the length of time she has been in our lives but it is so hard to let go. I have told her I am going and I think she understood what I was saying. I want to send a postcard every day so at least she is as much a part of this journey as I can make it. I feel the Camino is a good place for me to be. Words and prayers may quietly aid my acceptance of the circle of life.

Thank you for trusting the forum members with your situation. I will write your name in my little list, and keep an eye on how your camino goes. No point in bargaining, one step at a time. You know though that you are supported.

 

[CarolamS]

I am about to head out on the Camino Frances. Two weeks ago my elderly mother started to deteriorate rapidly.I have agonised over whether to continue with my plans. I am one of six siblings and we are all pulling together on this. But I will go in the knowledge that she may pass. And I know that I may return suddenly at any time. In my packing of lightweight items I am painfully aware of the heaviness of my anticipatory grief. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I fear I may weep my entire journey. I am so grateful for the length of time she has been in our lives but it is so hard to let go. I have told her I am going and I think she understood what I was saying. I want to send a postcard every day so at least she is as much a part of this journey as I can make it. I feel the Camino is a good place for me to be. Words and prayers may quietly aid my acceptance of the circle of life.

My mother is in a similar state and I understand your sadness. I had to accept that this is my mother's journey and I cannot make it any better other than to love her as much as possible. You can do that from wherever you are, love doesn't need proximity. The Camino is a good place to be when you have emotional pain, do not fear weeping. As I feel my own sadness I will think of you too and send love to support your journey though both the Camino and your losing.

 

[dougfitz]

Two weeks ago my elderly mother started to deteriorate rapidly.I have agonised over whether to continue with my plans.

I walked the CF with my wife several years ago knowing my brother might pass away while we were still in Spain. I had travelled across Australia to see him before leaving for Spain, and we had agreed that if he did pass away, I should continue with the pilgrimage.

In the event, this was tough, both for my wife and me. We got wonderful support from the other pilgrims we were with at the time when he died.

I was torn about not returning to support my mother, but like you, I am one of many, and I had to trust that my siblings would do that. I also had to make it clear his funeral wasn't to be delayed, something I expect you might want to do differently.

If this happens, and your mother dies while you are in Spain, if you were only to get half of the support that fellow pilgrims gave me, you will find yourself blessed with an abundance of emotional, spiritual and practical help.

I don't expect what I experienced will stop you agonising over your decision. But it might help you to know there will be people who will be there for you if you need them.

 

[LongRun64]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts and to CarolamS I reciprocate your sadness and support. When I planned this Camino I had no idea I would be doing it through a time such as this. But perhaps, once again, the camino calls me when I most need it. My first one, Portuguese Coastal, came at a time of deeply emotional tumult. The gentle healing of that camino was a source of amazement. I love this forum for all of its generously given information and insights. Buen Camino !

 

[FeatherG]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts and to CarolamS I reciprocate your sadness and support. When I planned this Camino I had no idea I would be doing it through a time such as this. But perhaps, once again, the camino calls me when I most need it. My first one, Portuguese Coastal, came at a time of deeply emotional tumult. The gentle healing of that camino was a source of amazement. I love this forum for all of its generously given information and insights. Buen Camino !

There is a thing called 'Divine Timing'. As humans, we think we are 'in charge', & so we plan things accordingly. God laughs, as only He knows, & so He plans when, where, & how our life goes. You say the Camino helped you before with an emotional situation, & it will do so again. I work in Healtcare & have witnessed many deaths. There is a lot of emotion, tears & sadness. But there is also release, relief, reflection & fond memories. Everyone grieves differently, just as everyone heals in their own way. You are doing what is best for you at this time, & no mother would argue with that. Light the odd candle along the way ... that's what a mother would do! Buen Camino

 

[Anniesantiago]

I am so sorry you’re going through this and I know exactly where you are, as I was in your position a couple of weeks ago. I was planning this trip to Spain and my mother was not doing well and was on hospice. My mother passed on March 31. I was sad that she left, but it was a relief that I wouldn’t have to worry about her while I was on the Camino. It’s just a tough one. You are in my prayers.

 

[Rozenn]

I am about to head out on the Camino Frances. Two weeks ago my elderly mother started to deteriorate rapidly.I have agonised over whether to continue with my plans. I am one of six siblings and we are all pulling together on this. But I will go in the knowledge that she may pass. And I know that I may return suddenly at any time. In my packing of lightweight items I am painfully aware of the heaviness of my anticipatory grief. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I fear I may weep my entire journey. I am so grateful for the length of time she has been in our lives but it is so hard to let go. I have told her I am going and I think she understood what I was saying. I want to send a postcard every day so at least she is as much a part of this journey as I can make it. I feel the Camino is a good place for me to be. Words and prayers may quietly aid my acceptance of the circle of life.

When are you leaving?i start from Saint Jean Pied de Port 25th of april
My Mum is 98 ..anything could happen( of course i am close , easy for me to go back ) anyway i would do like you!
Sending cards is nice ! When i am away she líkes when i call her keeper who has whatsapp and she can have some on Line little vidéo !
Keep going

 

[JCarpenter]

I am about to head out on the Camino Frances. Two weeks ago my elderly mother started to deteriorate rapidly.I have agonised over whether to continue with my plans. I am one of six siblings and we are all pulling together on this. But I will go in the knowledge that she may pass. And I know that I may return suddenly at any time. In my packing of lightweight items I am painfully aware of the heaviness of my anticipatory grief. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I fear I may weep my entire journey. I am so grateful for the length of time she has been in our lives but it is so hard to let go. I have told her I am going and I think she understood what I was saying. I want to send a postcard every day so at least she is as much a part of this journey as I can make it. I feel the Camino is a good place for me to be. Words and prayers may quietly aid my acceptance of the circle of life.

From what I can see from the emoticon replies, you are geographically surrounded with prayers, compassion and sympathy. Please pack our well wishes into your backpack and "take them out" when needed. Prayers and Buen Camino.

 

[LongRun64]

When are you leaving?i start from Saint Jean Pied de Port 25th of april
My Mum is 98 ..anything could happen( of course i am close , easy for me to go back ) anyway i would do like you!
Sending cards is nice ! When i am away she líkes when i call her keeper who has whatsapp and she can have some on Line little vidéo !
Keep going

Starting from SJPP on 20th April. Trying to face my journey with courage but I feel fragile and vulnerable. I will draw on my faith and the kindness of strangers.

 

[MichelleElynHogan]

I am about to head out on the Camino Frances. Two weeks ago my elderly mother started to deteriorate rapidly.I have agonised over whether to continue with my plans. I am one of six siblings and we are all pulling together on this. But I will go in the knowledge that she may pass. And I know that I may return suddenly at any time. In my packing of lightweight items I am painfully aware of the heaviness of my anticipatory grief. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I fear I may weep my entire journey. I am so grateful for the length of time she has been in our lives but it is so hard to let go. I have told her I am going and I think she understood what I was saying. I want to send a postcard every day so at least she is as much a part of this journey as I can make it. I feel the Camino is a good place for me to be. Words and prayers may quietly aid my acceptance of the circle of life.

Take your Mom with you, in your heart.
Buy a second credenciel and put her name on it. Carry it with you, as she will be beside you, all the way. Stamp both credenciels every day. I guarantee she will be with you, carrying you along.

At the end, she will have her own Credenciel to add to all those post cards.

Another thought, just as I write, grab some postcards and add a stamp as you go. That way, when you're home you'll be able to peruse the postcards and the Credenciel and all the memories.

Buen Camino!

 

[Teez]

Starting from SJPP on 20th April. Trying to face my journey with courage but I feel fragile and vulnerable. I will draw on my faith and the kindness of strangers.

 

[JMac56]

I know exactly how you feel. My elderly Mum was in aged care when I left for my first Camino in 2015. She faded badly while I was in Spain and I was prepared to head home at any moment. As I was leaving Sarria I got a call to say that Mum had rallied so I continued on to SdC and flew home straight away. (By the way, I am also one of 6 siblings.) I basically kept travelling until I was at her bed side. It was great to see her again and share something of my experience on Camino. Sadly, Mum passed a few months later. I always feel her presence with me on subsequent Caminos. Buen Camino.

 

[dougfitz]

Take your Mom with you, in your heart.
Buy a second credenciel and put her name on it. Carry it with you, as she will be beside you, all the way. Stamp both credenciels every day. I guarantee she will be with you, carrying you along.

At the end, she will have her own Credenciel to add to all those post cards.

Another thought, just as I write, grab some postcards and add a stamp as you go. That way, when you're home you'll be able to peruse the postcards and the Credenciel and all the memories.

Buen Camino!

I understand the sentiment here, but there may be better ways to remember your mother while doing the camino than this.

While I didn't face this circumstance when I served as a hospitalero some years ago, the formal requirement was to have the person in front of you with their identity document before you stamped the credencial. Perhaps some hospitalera/o would stamp a credencial for the person in front of them without asking for an identity document, but not having the person and the identity document would, I think, be a problem you might want to avoid.

Perhaps there is something of your mother's that you could carry with you with her blessing that would serve to remind you of her. Not that I'm expecting that you will forget her.

 

[Corned Beef]

This is an article from the British Medical Journal, for doctors by doctors, about the dignity of death. I have it bookmarked for all the events I know are coming. It covers the subject of there being better people than family members (a doula) to help a person into the next life.

Perhaps there is someone in your family or your family knows that has that gift and would be the better person to attend her needs.

The gift of death

“I dreamed that I was dead last night. Then I woke up and found I was still here. It was such a disappointment.” My 98 year old mother surprised us with this comment, for she rarely talked about dying and death during her decline from advanced frailty, although she repeatedly said, “I never...

www.bmj.com

 

[LongRun64]

This is an article from the British Medical Journal, for doctors by doctors, about the dignity of death. I have it bookmarked for all the events I know are coming. It covers the subject of there being better people than family members (a doula) to help a person into the next life.

Perhaps there is someone in your family or your family knows that has that gift and would be the better person to attend her needs.

The gift of death

“I dreamed that I was dead last night. Then I woke up and found I was still here. It was such a disappointment.” My 98 year old mother surprised us with this comment, for she rarely talked about dying and death during her decline from advanced frailty, although she repeatedly said, “I never...

www.bmj.com

Thank you. This is a wonderful article.

 

[Silus]

Have you considered "Vicarie Pro" in your mother’s name?

 

[LongRun64]

I am here in SJPP and preparing to start my walk today. I am content that my decision to come was the right one. Last night I had word that my mother is in her final hours. She is on my mind constantly. It is pouring with rain as it has been all night. It seems apt. Perhaps you may pray for us and the start of a new part of life's journey.

 

[JCarpenter]

I am here in SJPP and preparing to start my walk today. I am content that my decision to come was the right one. Last night I had word that my mother is in her final hours. She is on my mind constantly. It is pouring with rain as it has been all night. It seems apt. Perhaps you may pray for us and the start of a new part of life's journey.

You are in my prayers now.

 

[Rozenn]

I am here in SJPP and preparing to start my walk today. I am content that my decision to come was the right one. Last night I had word that my mother is in her final hours. She is on my mind constantly. It is pouring with rain as it has been all night. It seems apt. Perhaps you may pray for us and the start of a new part of life's journey.

Dont be too hard on yourself ffor thé first day! Are you stayong in Orisson?
I wish you good fellow pilgrims to warm your heart
I will start from SJPP just next week , may be we will meet on the Camino who knows
Good luck

 

[Hugh Larkin]

Both my late parents always encouraged me to get out and live life, even in the last couple of years they were still with me, and they knew their time on earth was short due to deteriorating health. They always said that it brought them joy to see me and my wife out and about the world.

After they passed away, I have always taken them with me in my heart.

Walk on with love in your heart, your journey is part of the unspoken and unknown plan.
Buen Camino!

 

[t2andreo]

Two points to make here:

1. You CANNOT obtain a Compostela for a person who is not physically present to be interviewed directly, and claim it at the Pilgrim Office. Staff will generally stamp a separate credencial to cancel it and to signify that you made it - and the absent person's credencial made it. But no Compostela for any absent person.

2. This said, any pilgrim can dedicate their Compostela to another person who is either deceased or whose life situation or health make it impossible that they will ever be able to walk a Camino personally. Several of the parent and spouse situations mentioned here would qualify.

I have seen this done for parents, siblings, friends, lovers, and even a deceased pet or two - hey a name is a name. If you don't tell the staff person it is a cat or dog, only you and God will know.

All you do is tell the staff person interviewing you that you would like to dedicate your Compostela to another individual. Explain the situation and provide the full, correct name to the staff person.

They will inscribe the other individual's name at the bottom of your Compostela with the leading phrase "In Vicare Pro..." In Latin this means "in place of." This service is free and is done regularly.

This means a lot to folks who are religious and IMHO is very thoughtful. As indicated, you might ask for a second Compostela in your name only - without the inscription. This way, you can give the "In Vicare Pro" version to the other person, while having one for yourself.

I have seen this done fairly regularly - but you have to ask. Personally, as long as the other person is taken care of, my credencial is souvenir enough.

Hope this helps.

Tom

 

[LongRun64]

My mother passed away in the small hours of Wednesday, the day I started walking from St Jean. I found out when I got to Orisson. I am so full of sadness but also thankful for her long life. The grief is almost overwhelming at times. Today is the worst. I arrived in Pamplona and there were no beds at all. I have walked 19 miles today with all the extra walking around albergues etc. When I tried the third Municipal albergue and was turned away I burst into tears. I was so tired and overcome. The lady told me to go to the tourist information. The only beds they could find is out of town and 135 euros. I took it but I'm so sad that the camino spirit seems lacking for me today.

 

[CarolamS]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. May your Mother now rest in peace. Grief can be almost overwhelmingly tough. One step at a time is all you can do right now. Just keep heart and know you have many Pilgrim's holding you in their hearts and thinking of you at this really hard time.

 

[MilenaS]

So sorry for your loss. My condolences. Sending you the warmest thoughts and I hope the Camino at some point brings peace to you in this time.

 

[Cinderflippinrella62]

Starting from SJPP on 20th April. Trying to face my journey with courage but I feel fragile and vulnerable. I will draw on my faith and the kindness of strangers.

I just heard a loving quote last night which I hold in my heart. Courage is fear that has said its prayers...Ann Lamott! You naturally will feel all of those emotions described...how can you not, she's your mom, and I wish you and your family all the best. Godspeed, lots of love as you go on your journey. Find kindness for yourself too. My best friend and I leave for the Camino del Norte, on April 30th. I will send my prayers to you both. Mom will love your postcards!

 

[dbier]

Carry your mom and your grief, but if you can, leave guilt behind. Grief is natural, but made paralyzingly heavy by guilt. If you're weighed down by "if only" and "I wish I'd...", that's guilt talking.

(Been in shoes a little like yours... and will, God willing, do my next Camino in vicare...)

 

[JCarpenter]

My mother passed away in the small hours of Wednesday, the day I started walking from St Jean. I found out when I got to Orisson. I am so full of sadness but also thankful for her long life. The grief is almost overwhelming at times. Today is the worst. I arrived in Pamplona and there were no beds at all. I have walked 19 miles today with all the extra walking around albergues etc. When I tried the third Municipal albergue and was turned away I burst into tears. I was so tired and overcome. The lady told me to go to the tourist information. The only beds they could find is out of town and 135 euros. I took it but I'm so sad that the camino spirit seems lacking for me today.

Sending you hugs!

 

[Ladielle]

My deepest sympathy . I wish I could be there to hug you and comfort you, but I start my first camino only in 2 weeks, and the Norte one. I am sorry you could not find cheaper accommodation, especially today. My thoughts are with you and I wish you have a better tomorrow to process everything. Hang in there

 

[CaminoKentucky]

Peace and strength be with you @LongRun64
Your mom's great storm is over. It seems you are a person of faith, so maybe thinking of her now
in the light of eternity might be a source of comfort for you. Be gentle with yourself these days and
trust in God's deep and abiding love for you. I keep you in my prayers.

 

[Rozenn]

My mother passed away in the small hours of Wednesday, the day I started walking from St Jean. I found out when I got to Orisson. I am so full of sadness but also thankful for her long life. The grief is almost overwhelming at times. Today is the worst. I arrived in Pamplona and there were no beds at all. I have walked 19 miles today with all the extra walking around albergues etc. When I tried the third Municipal albergue and was turned away I burst into tears. I was so tired and overcome. The lady told me to go to the tourist information. The only beds they could find is out of town and 135 euros. I took it but I'm so sad that the camino spirit seems lacking for me today.

All my condoléances , your burden is very tough right now and it comes at the beginning of the Camino when it is the hardest physically and émotionnally but confide it can only get better

You will find your Ángels on the Camino

 

[Corned Beef]

So sorry to hear about your loss. You'll be faced with another dilemma whether to continue or to return for the funeral. Whatever you decide, our prayers are with you.

 

[dougfitz]

My mother passed away in the small hours of Wednesday, the day I started walking from St Jean. I found out when I got to Orisson. I am so full of sadness but also thankful for her long life. The grief is almost overwhelming at times. Today is the worst. I arrived in Pamplona and there were no beds at all. I have walked 19 miles today with all the extra walking around albergues etc. When I tried the third Municipal albergue and was turned away I burst into tears. I was so tired and overcome. The lady told me to go to the tourist information. The only beds they could find is out of town and 135 euros. I took it but I'm so sad that the camino spirit seems lacking for me today.

So sad to hear all of that. My thoughts are with you.

 

[FeatherG]

My mother passed away in the small hours of Wednesday, the day I started walking from St Jean. I found out when I got to Orisson. I am so full of sadness but also thankful for her long life. The grief is almost overwhelming at times. Today is the worst. I arrived in Pamplona and there were no beds at all. I have walked 19 miles today with all the extra walking around albergues etc. When I tried the third Municipal albergue and was turned away I burst into tears. I was so tired and overcome. The lady told me to go to the tourist information. The only beds they could find is out of town and 135 euros. I took it but I'm so sad that the camino spirit seems lacking for me today.

I'm so very sorry for your loss & that you couldn't find a resting place on that sad night. There is a saying 'you never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice'. You are doing this, & yes, you are being tested, but there are lessons in all our 'struggles', & they say we learn our biggest lessons during our hardest struggles. She is with you ... every step of the way, & she is proud that you are carrying on, despite your struggles. Don't question too much. Just take the steps & carry on with your journey. Your 'load' will get lighter. Don't be afraid to share it. Everyone you meet on that road, is on their own journey too ... & 'sharing the load' can help. Remember, you always have an angel by your side too ... & they are great listeners! Sending you courage & warm angel hugs.

 

[LongRun64]

So sorry to hear about your loss. You'll be faced with another dilemma whether to continue or to return for the funeral. Whatever you decide, our prayers are with you.

The funeral is late May which means I will get to Santiago but probably not to Finisterre this time. I was willing to go back but there seems little point in grieving at home when I can walk and grieve here.

 

[LongRun64]

I arrived in Santiago on 26 May and I feel like I was put in a washing machine and spun round such that I feel I am still spinning. My Camino was extraordinary in so many ways. When I can put some things in context I will post again.

 

[Pilgrino21]

I arrived in Santiago on 26 May and I feel like I was put in a washing machine and spun round such that I feel I am still spinning. My Camino was extraordinary in so many ways. When I can put some things in context I will post again.

Good to hear you made it @LongRun64! With all you had to go through, it's an extraordinary achievement. Wouldn't surprise me if somehow little things along the Camino reminded you of your mother. Things we don't often associate but maybe looking back like an ever constant presence. Again condolences to you as you continue to grieve your loss.

I met a Spaniard on May 27 whom I had given some of my water to and I found out that he's walking that day to honor what would have been his mother's 95th birthday. He got choked up recalling her. It was a nice moment to share. A reminder that loss is never complete, it stays with us for a reason because it means something. Time has a way of softening those edges where they may be sharp, just allowing us to cope, continue, and persevere. I pray that you will get here eventually and that you will find the peace and serenity to process what you've gone through. Ultreia!