Missing El Camino

[Alma Garibay]

I did my walk in October of 2014 and every day I miss it. I keep on having the feeling that I don't belong in this place and that my heart stayed on the Camino. Ever since I returned my view of life has change, and now I look forward to living life doing the things i love. The problem has been I have felt stuck. After the camino life was not easy for me. I came back and there first thing I did was quit my job and was jobless for two months. Moved back to live with my parents after that for not being able to afford living on my own. After a few months I found a job, but it was a lower paying job. Due to financial problems i got before doing the Camino, I felt the only way out of it was bankruptcy. I went for days and months thinking of what the heck El Camino did to me. I also lost all of my friend and created just a smaller circle of close friend that i could count with one hand. I went into depression after realization I had to filed for bankruptcy and the lost of who I thought was my best friend. I felt confused, and very angry after I came back from El Camino. I hated the world, I hated people who were more into worry about careers, money, buying the latest things. I doubted my self, more because I had graduated as a Social Worker one year before I left to the Camino de Santiago. I felt unhappy and I felt numb and dead inside and hated hearing other people's problems. I hated it not cause of them, but because to me the world had turn to the most cruel and horrible human being who would cause a lot of pain. When I left to the Camino, I did it because I was in my own emotional pain after some domestic violence between my parents and always witnessing it. I was devastated. After the Camino I found my self very angry and one thing I remember, I enjoyed being mean to others, I enjoyed being an asshole to others. I was so angry that being mean to people made it feel good. I went through a transition of questioning myself. On one side i felt invincible and better with the fact I had walk the Camino on my own with a sprained knee and felt I was a stronger and confident. I had a hard time holding what I thought of people and wanted to call them on their BS. Inside of me i knew i had changed but I really didn't know if it had been for the worse. Still today I feel change, but less angry, not much angry, just feel I can't stand hypocrisy, and people not helping others. What I took from the camino was, help each other regardless of social economics, language, skin color, culture, religion, sex, and race. I can't stand noticing how my job as a social worker i see how there is not enough people that can listen and understand the suffering of others. it always appears that if they offer help is more for the gain of others than for the cause of giving and helping those that need. My goal is to not live a life where all I do is work, but that one day I get to do more of the things I like. I don't feel I fit back in the USA, the Camino has taken my heart and soul. I look forward to the day I get to be there where I can find simplicity.

I write this because I wonder if there are any other people out there that feel similar.

 

[Robo]

So sorry to hear of your post Camino experiences....

I think many of us feel a bit lost when we return to the lives we left behind or perhaps 'tried to escape' for a brief moment.

That's probably why so many of us spend time here on this Forum everyday. It's a reminder perhaps of another world where we would rather be sometimes...with people we enjoy being with and who just 'understand' what goes on in our heads.

I still struggle with it....many of us do I'm sure...

What I try to do is make my life back home more like life on the Camino. I think that's maybe what the Camino is supposed to give us don't you? A lesson in how to live our lives with greater happiness.

I hope things start to take a turn for the better for you. I really do.

 

[SabsP]

Hi Alma,

Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

As a fellow social worker your post struck me. What follows is my personal humble opinion ....

Like Robo also said try to get your daily life more like the one you experienced in Spain.
You obviously learned such valuable things on your walk ( things that most probably were already in your persona before ) so just make them more external.

Yes life and society can be hard and brutal sometimes, especially towards our vulnerable patients or clients. But don't forget that most people just try to make the best of it . Sometimes yes harshly and in an egocentrically way but still... I really believe that most of us really try... Hmm hope this makes sense?

Yes the Camino seems to be this place where everything good can come together making our daily life look like a dull and monotonous one.
But it is my strong believe that we CAN make a difference in our daily lives!!

I once said and I still very much believe it : You don't need to leave your village, city, country to become " a pilgrim".
I learned alot from people who never walked or travelled for a long period. It was their wisdom of life, their opennness, their charity, their goodness that struck me.

Yes there still will be BS and hate and stupidity but I sincerely think we all just try to do our best....each one with that specific talent or gift.


Take care in all you endeavours....( Off my soapbox now ).

 

[Wokabaut_Meri]

A little sad - and empathetic - to hear of your post Camino blues but what an honest and open post. Thank you. Those are some very powerful emotions that you are dealing with.

Where to start...

I heartily agree with both Robo and Sabine have said about making your daily life more like the Camino so that the first thing that you can look at is reclaiming your heart (and soul) from wherever along the Way you left it. I see that your Camino was a spontaneous decision with only 3 weeks to prepare. That showed a bit of courage and willingness to set off on an adventure. Of course your view of life has changed. You have had a profound experience that has rippled out into your real/other life and you have discovered that you don't fit it anymore - or perhaps, more correctly, it no longer fits you and perhaps never did. A pilgrimage often doesn't end at its physical destination. Often the real pilgrimage only begins once you return home. That's the problem with adventures.

Nothing that anyone here can say will make anything better or easier for you. We can only walk beside you as compañeros on this journey and offer our companionship, if you would like it.

 

[Fatma]

I got the post-camino blues too so instead of pulling my business trolley I now use it as a backpack so it feels like a little being on a camino.
But that's just a detail- the main point here is- this sort of mindful walking helps to become content with yourself and with the world AS IT IS. Not in the sense of nodding to injustice but to accept and try making step by step better.

My advice: Walk again if u can and get rid of ur anger.

 

[Alma Garibay]

So sorry to hear of your post Camino experiences....

I think many of us feel a bit lost when we return to the lives we left behind or perhaps 'tried to escape' for a brief moment.

That's probably why so many of us spend time here on this Forum everyday. It's a reminder perhaps of another world where we would rather be sometimes...with people we enjoy being with and who just 'understand' what goes on in our heads.

I still struggle with it....many of us do I'm sure...

What I try to do is make my life back home more like life on the Camino. I think that's maybe what the Camino is supposed to give us don't you? A lesson in how to live our lives with greater happiness.

I hope things start to take a turn for the better for you. I really do.

Thank you for replying to my post. I really felt you are at the right point of what you said about, Living life like I was in the Camino. I think this is what I struggle with. Trying to go back to live life like I was before I left to my Camino. Now I see I have to change the way I look at life and how I live it. This makes a lot of sense.

 

[Alma Garibay]

Hi Alma,

Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

As a fellow social worker your post struck me. What follows is my personal humble opinion ....

Like Robo also said try to get your daily life more like the one you experienced in Spain.
You obviously learned such valuable things on your walk ( things that most probably were already in your persona before ) so just make them more external.

Yes life and society can be hard and brutal sometimes, especially towards our vulnerable patients or clients. But don't forget that most people just try to make the best of it . Sometimes yes harshly and in an egocentrically way but still... I really believe that most of us really try... Hmm hope this makes sense?

Yes the Camino seems to be this place where everything good can come together making our daily life look like a dull and monotonous one.
But it is my strong believe that we CAN make a difference in our daily lives!!

I once said and I still very much believe it : You don't need to leave your village, city, country to become " a pilgrim".
I learned alot from people who never walked or travelled for a long period. It was their wisdom of life, their opennness, their charity, their goodness that struck me.

Yes there still will be BS and hate and stupidity but I sincerely think we all just try to do our best....each one with that specific talent or gift.


Take care in all you endeavours....( Off my soapbox now ).

wow! I think you make a good point I think I was leaving a life before I left where I didn't feel all happy before I left. After the Camino is like I was able unleash who I truly felt I was inside. and since then I noticed a lot of changes even in the people that called themselves friends. I had become someone else and I lost friendships that were 12 years. Friends Who I imagined myself growing old and we used to talk about that. Suddenly none of that and friends suddenly left and got a few new ones. Some that don't need much maintainance. Which I was doing to maintained my friendship always putting more effort into it. I got so tired of it that I spend my days just hanging with my dog and I got to say I love it. I become the crazy dog lady and will say, Yes I am crazy about my dog!