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Post Camino depression

long trails

Active Member
Time of past OR future Camino
Frances 2012
I was looking for a recent topic on post-trail depression so I could add a link to an excellent article that was shared on a hiking forum, but I could n't find one, so here you go!

I find that even after a four or five day hike I could feel quite down, for no apparent external reason. Since then I have realised the depth of the 'depression' seems to correlate with the length of the hike.

Anyway, the link is below, hope it's ok to share it. I learned quite a bit from what was written and post-trail depression seems to entirely make sense now.

https://just2hikers.wordpress.com/2015/01/14/post-trail-depression/

The writer refers to the longer U.S. thru-hikes, but I think a lot of it is relevant to the Caminos too.
 
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A selection of Camino Jewellery
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I can relate. Upon my return home last year I felt down for two weeks, listless and jaded. First I blamed it on the fact that the adventure was over, some sort of psychological backlash. But then it hit me: a lot less endorphins because I just couldn't get off the couch. I was kicking the habit, and cold turkey at that.
Amazing really, that a camino can actually develop into a physical addiction. So yeah, like simeon I am planning the next one...
 
Endorphins certainly play a part, but if you feel really depressed after returning home it might just be the realization that the life you have is not the life you want. And in that case it might just be time for a radical life change ...
Buen Camino de la vida, SY
 
I do not want to diminish anyone's feelings regarding post Camino emotions. This is in no way a personal comment to the OP or towards the article.

Just mentioning that there is a big difference between a post Camino low feeling due to less endorphines aka Exogenous depression ( or life events ) and the more clinical and serious Endogenous depression. IMHO.
 
The 2024 Camino guides will be coming out little by little. Here is a collection of the ones that are out so far.
That Black Dog, always at my heels, has nothing to do with Camino past or present. It sat there, quiet in the corner, the day I was born and it will sniff at and widdle on every path I take. I keep it behind me with activity, and service and offerings to the Gods. And sometimes I let it sneak a little closer with to much reliance on the bottle or the gear. Sometimes I call it in and hold it close; its my oldest friend.

Post camino blues will cloud the rational of many and especially those who get a little taste of freedom on their 6 week walk back to the airport. The dog can't be bought off with a few biccies or a juicy bone and it won't matter how far you walk on how many trails that cold wet nose will always be close to your heels.

@SabineP has a handle on the issue; a leash on the beast. There is a difference between the blues and the black.

And on that cheerful note its obviously time to plan my next camino...
 
I was looking for a recent topic on post-trail depression so I could add a link to an excellent article that was shared on hiking forum, but I could n't find one, so here you go!

I use to find that even after a four or five day hike I'd feel quite down, for no apparent reason. Since then I have realised the depth of the 'depression' seems to correlate with the length of the hike.

Anyway, the link is below, hope it's ok to share it. I learned quite a bit from what was written and post-trail depression seems to entirely make sense now.

https://just2hikers.wordpress.com/2015/01/14/post-trail-depression/

The writer refers to the longer U.S. thru-hikes, but I think a lot of it is relevant to the Caminos too.

Nice honest share! I think anyone who does long hikes and/or walks understands this even if they may not want to admit it is what it is. I enjoyed the article you attached. I appreciated the writer's willingness to be vulnerable when his nature is to be self sufficient. He and many of the commenters touched on a common theme - that a great adventure is in the end accomplished alone. The aloneness only hits us once we return when, surrounded by friends and family who are still the same, we become deeply aware that we are not.
 
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"Post Camino depression"? No offense, but can't say I ever felt depressed after being on vacation.
I'm always just grateful that I'm blessed enough to be able to go on a long vacation, while so many others out there are never able to.

I wonder how many people who feel depressed on returning have jobs they like? After a backpacking trip I always feel happy when I get back, but I have a family I'm happy to see and a job I'm happy to return to. When I went on my first long overseas trip in my mid-20's, I felt pretty down when I returned. But I was marginally employed and broke af then too!
 
I wonder how many people who feel depressed on returning have jobs they like? After a backpacking trip I always feel happy when I get back, but I have a family I'm happy to see and a job I'm happy to return to. When I went on my first long overseas trip in my mid-20's, I felt pretty down when I returned. But I was marginally employed and broke af then too!
Yeah, no doubt returning to a job that one is unhappy with would play a role in not wanting the experience of the Camino, or any similar activity to end.
 
I do not want to diminish anyone's feelings regarding post Camino emotions. This is in no way a personal comment to the OP or towards the article.

Just mentioning that there is a big difference between a post Camino low feeling due to less endorphines aka Exogenous depression ( or life events ) and the more clinical and serious Endogenous depression. IMHO.
You're description isn't based on real scientific conclusions. So....me as an op, I'm slightly offended. One persons life event can easily be, just a back ground news story!!
 
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I can relate. Upon my return home last year I felt down for two weeks, listless and jaded. First I blamed it on the fact that the adventure was over, some sort of psychological backlash. But then it hit me: a lot less endorphins because I just couldn't get off the couch. I was kicking the habit, and cold turkey at that.
Amazing really, that a camino can actually develop into a physical addiction. So yeah, like simeon I am planning the next one...
That's what I do!
 
It's a worthy occupation! Is mental health not an unproven science? Certain conditions and symptoms can be controlled to an exstent by drugs and therapy. science for the drugs,yes. Therapy conjecture!
 
You're description isn't based on real scientific conclusions. So....me as an op, I'm slightly offended. One persons life event can easily be, just a back ground news story!!
I understood that to be intended as a simple reminder that there is a difference between "normal" ups and downs, and clinical depression. Sometimes people who are experiencing the ups-and-downs can benefit from this reminder, and put things into perspective. Those who suffer depression can also be reminded that different treatment might be needed. I don't speak as any kind of expert on the topic.
 
The 2024 Camino guides will be coming out little by little. Here is a collection of the ones that are out so far.
That Black Dog, always at my heels, has nothing to do with Camino past or present. It sat there, quiet in the corner, the day I was born and it will sniff at and widdle on every path I take. I keep it behind me with activity, and service and offerings to the Gods. And sometimes I let it sneak a little closer with to much reliance on the bottle or the gear. Sometimes I call it in and hold it close; its my oldest friend.

Post camino blues will cloud the rational of many and especially those who get a little taste of freedom on their 6 week walk back to the airport. The dog can't be bought off with a few biccies or a juicy bone and it won't matter how far you walk on how many trails that cold wet nose will always be close to your heels.

@SabineP has a handle on the issue; a leash on the beast. There is a difference between the blues and the black.

And on that cheerful note its obviously time to plan my next camino...
That Black Dog, always at my heels, has nothing to do with Camino past or present. It sat there, quiet in the corner, the day I was born and it will sniff at and widdle on every path I take. I keep it behind me with activity, and service and offerings to the Gods. And sometimes I let it sneak a little closer with to much reliance on the bottle or the gear. Sometimes I call it in and hold it close; its my oldest friend.

Post camino blues will cloud the rational of many and especially those who get a little taste of freedom on their 6 week walk back to the airport. The dog can't be bought off with a few biccies or a juicy bone and it won't matter how far you walk on how many trails that cold wet nose will always be close to your heels.

@SabineP has a handle on the issue; a leash on the beast. There is a difference between the blues and the black.

And on that cheerful note its obviously time to plan my next camino...
Wow, what a deep and allegorical way you expressed yourself here. I'm blown away by your candor on such a sensitive subject. I appreciate your insight based on your own personal experience.
 
I understood that to be intended as a simple reminder that there is a difference between "normal" ups and downs, and clinical depression. Sometimes people who are experiencing the ups-and-downs can benefit from this reminder, and put things into perspective. Those who suffer depression can also be reminded that different treatment might be needed. I don't speak as any kind of expert on the topic.

Thank you that is exactly what I hoped to make clear.
Working in mental health I have a good understanding when medication or other treatment is needed or not.
 
... it might just be the realization that the life you have is not the life you want. And in that case it might just be time for a radical life change ... SY

[Warning: Late night navel gazing ahead]
@SYates, I've been tinkering with a related thought lately. Maybe more subtle than radical change. From my journal...

"It is possible that, in its simplest form, the Camino is a temporary life support system. It can serve as an alternative mental and physical infrastructure while the pilgrim systematically dismantles, inspects, and maintains their real world life. The Camino provides essential services such as access to food, water, shelter, social and spiritual support, all for a reasonable cost.

By most accounts, life on the Camino is a simple routine of waking, walking, observing, eating/drinking, and sleeping. Other than a few primitive measures for hygiene and personal care, there are not a lot of responsibilities to burden the mind of the walker. Such a routine can free up significant mental and emotional resources. Resources which one could, consciously or subconsciously, put to bear on the crusty, complicated mental apparatus accreted, like barnacles, over the course of a lifetime. Such a objective, unbiased yet ruthlessly judgmental review could provide surprising insights into what is right and what could be improved or discarded altogether with little or no negative impact on one's future prospects.

Yet, it is unrealistic to think that a pilgrim can easily jettison any significant part of this mental apparatus, for the Camino is unlikely to provide suitable long term replacements for existing relationships, jobs, life philosophies etc. In the most likely scenarios, one may gain a revised perspective, perhaps a re-prioritization or a strategy for a midlife correction.
Or they may just lose 20 lbs and take a lot of pictures to show the folks back home and that may be sufficient, in and of itself."


Not sure where I'm going with this but it seemed relevant.

Todo está Buen.

-jgp

[slight edit: Changed "subjective" to "objective" in 4th paragraph. -jgp]
 
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[Warning: Late night navel gazing ahead]
@SYates, I've been tinkering with a related thought lately. Maybe more subtle than radical change. From my journal...

"It is possible that, in its simplest form, the Camino is a temporary life support system. It can serve as an alternative mental and physical infrastructure while the pilgrim systematically dismantles, inspects, and maintains their real world life. The Camino provides essential services such as access to food, water, shelter, social and spiritual support, all for a reasonable cost.

By most accounts, life on the Camino is a simple routine of waking, walking, observing, eating/drinking, and sleeping. Other than a few primitive measures for hygiene and personal care, there are not a lot of responsibilities to burden the mind of the walker. Such a routine can free up significant mental and emotional resources. Resources which one could, consciously or subconsciously, put to bear on the crusty, complicated mental apparatus accreted, like barnacles, over the course of a lifetime. Such a subjective, unbiased yet ruthlessly judgmental review could provide surprising insights into what is right and what could be improved or discarded altogether with little or no negative impact on one's future prospects.

Yet, it is unrealistic to think that a pilgrim can easily jettison any significant part of this mental apparatus, for the Camino is unlikely to provide suitable long term replacements for existing relationships, jobs, life philosophies etc. In the most likely scenarios, one may gain a revised perspective, perhaps a re-prioritization or a strategy for a midlife correction.
Or they may just lose 20 lbs and take a lot of pictures to show the folks back home and that may be sufficient, in and of itself."


Not sure where I'm going with this but it seemed relevant.

Todo está Buen.

-jgp
I like this!
 
[Warning: Late night navel gazing ahead]
@SYates, I've been tinkering with a related thought lately. Maybe more subtle than radical change. From my journal...

"It is possible that, in its simplest form, the Camino is a temporary life support system. It can serve as an alternative mental and physical infrastructure while the pilgrim systematically dismantles, inspects, and maintains their real world life. The Camino provides essential services such as access to food, water, shelter, social and spiritual support, all for a reasonable cost.

By most accounts, life on the Camino is a simple routine of waking, walking, observing, eating/drinking, and sleeping. Other than a few primitive measures for hygiene and personal care, there are not a lot of responsibilities to burden the mind of the walker. Such a routine can free up significant mental and emotional resources. Resources which one could, consciously or subconsciously, put to bear on the crusty, complicated mental apparatus accreted, like barnacles, over the course of a lifetime. Such a subjective, unbiased yet ruthlessly judgmental review could provide surprising insights into what is right and what could be improved or discarded altogether with little or no negative impact on one's future prospects.

Yet, it is unrealistic to think that a pilgrim can easily jettison any significant part of this mental apparatus, for the Camino is unlikely to provide suitable long term replacements for existing relationships, jobs, life philosophies etc. In the most likely scenarios, one may gain a revised perspective, perhaps a re-prioritization or a strategy for a midlife correction.
Or they may just lose 20 lbs and take a lot of pictures to show the folks back home and that may be sufficient, in and of itself."


Not sure where I'm going with this but it seemed relevant.

Todo está Buen.

-jgp
You are a deep thinking fellow and I loved reading and pondering this excerpt from your journal. A very well written and thought provoking piece. Thanks for sharing it!
 
I was looking for a recent topic on post-trail depression so I could add a link to an excellent article that was shared on hiking forum, but I could n't find one, so here you go!

I use to find that even after a four or five day hike I'd feel quite down, for no apparent reason. Since then I have realised the depth of the 'depression' seems to correlate with the length of the hike.
Anyway, the link is below, hope it's ok to share it. I learned quite a bit from what was written and post-trail depression seems to entirely make sense now.

https://just2hikers.wordpress.com/2015/01/14/post-trail-depression/

The writer refers to the longer U.S. thru-hikes, but I think a lot of it is relevant to the Caminos too.

Hi
Am fascinated by all the comments to this very real
phenomenon . Since I commenced waking Camino's I have become acutely aware of this drop in my mood towards the last few days of the walk and have spent many hours trying to unravel what is happening as I trod along, as a result I have generally found that arriving in Santiago to be a bit of an anticlimax . It shouldn't be like this and for most Pilgrims I am sure its a time of great euphoria.
This can be a bit difficult to deal with as the previous 30 days or more have been so full of excitement and of " living in the present". All of a sudden the plug has been pulled and the surreal environment( relative to the way most of us live our lives ) of the Camino has come to an abrupt end. Similar to others I have also come to the ( unscientific ) conclusion that it is this departure from living in the present that causes the drop in mood .
The best cure is to jump back on the horse !
 
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It shouldn't be like this and for most Pilgrims I am sure its a time of great euphoria.
I'm not sure that this is true. The fact that you are comparing your experience to what you perceive is the experience of most other pilgrims can also contribute to a negative mood.

I remember walking alone one day, and feeling like everyone else was walking in happy little groups and feeling a little down about not having made a strong connection while on the Camino. Later on, while having dinner with a group of pilgrims I realized that many of them mentioned that they had spent quite a bit of time walking alone too. Then I thought that anyone observing us at dinner might think "what a group of happy pilgrims", assuming possibly that we were a Camino "family". (we were having a great time, but some of us had just met for the first time)
Anyway, my point is that you can't make assumptions about how others are feeling and compare your experience against your perception of their experience. That's a losing proposition.
 
sorry to drag you all up out of your deep thoughts but has anyone experienced waking a few days after finishing with a huge urge to walk nearly to the point of it being a physical sensation?
 
sorry to drag you all up out of your deep thoughts but has anyone experienced waking a few days after finishing with a huge urge to walk nearly to the point of it being a physical sensation?
Absolutely! I spent a few days in Madrid after my Camino, and wanted to follow a few people wearing backpacks at the train station who looked like they were about to begin the Camino. :)
 
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During my Camino last May, I felt extremely lonely and homesick after about 10 days. It probably had something to do with deciding to stay in cheap hotels (ie. to avoid snorers) which kept me away from the vibrant social life of the albergues. I also experienced intense emotional outbursts (ie. I cried a few times) which came on suddenly as if suddenly released from within. Has anybody experienced similar feelings?
 
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The "ends" of the Camino.
Post partum and ante

Did you experience all you thought to
Did you miss any

Mayhap there is some unfinished business rattling about your mind,body or spirit?

Did you achieve the ends of your journey?

Or are the daemons still dogging your steps.

Tincas black dog
Who hasn't felt it's cold tongue on the heel.

On the way..the "means" were yours to dispose as desired
But now they are closed to you for forever
Certain..until you find the Way again.

Who are you?
What did you do to yourself?

Some may never escape the hellion in the darkness..
That rough beast eating away at the light inside
That soul eating desire to fade into that nite coldly
Quietly
Finally...

Inside... the screams of despair Echo

Echo

echo..

into nothing.

I
I was here.

Some find salvation in the dust and soles of their shoes
Walking toward some Calvery
Hidden somewhere in the darkness

Some seek oblivion in a drink
Or two

Quiet are the dogs! and tattered dregs of soul flutter fitfully in cold dark breezes...
Hell is noise and manic teases,
Mayhap? Of a quiet stir in deep waters of a hand immursed,innured to the cold
Who finds that a moments peace is a radiance to the west.

You see them walking
Little stars gyrations toward
Or away from centers

Hurtling, inevitable... toward Santiago

To find the quiet.

Pilgrims

I hope you find your Santiago
 
I was looking for a recent topic on post-trail depression so I could add a link to an excellent article that was shared on hiking forum, but I could n't find one, so here you go!

I use to find that even after a four or five day hike I'd feel quite down, for no apparent reason. Since then I have realised the depth of the 'depression' seems to correlate with the length of the hike.

Anyway, the link is below, hope it's ok to share it. I learned quite a bit from what was written and post-trail depression seems to entirely make sense now.

https://just2hikers.wordpress.com/2015/01/14/post-trail-depression/

The writer refers to the longer U.S. thru-hikes, but I think a lot of it is relevant to the Caminos too.


Just wanted to send a big thank you to the author to mentioning this and attaching the post. After I returned from my first Camino, I kept coming back to the phrase we see a lot, "The Camino begins when you reach Santiago." I really struggled in the first several months back from the walk, partly because of some of the things mentioned on this thread (unhappy in my job, etc.), but also because of the Camino's impact itself. Having this fully present and physically challenging experience gave me the time to realize a lot of issues I had been suppressing. I was so thankful the Camino brought these issues into the light, but definitely wasn't prepared to continue processing everything that had been dug up when I returned.

What ended up working for me was (in addition to what the article suggests--exercising consistently, setting new goals, etc.), was finding a therapist to help me through the process. So I totally agree that it's great to talk about post-hike support, either with a good community and/or a professional--depending on what the person needs. Whether depression is specifically what comes up after this experience or not, it's good to recognize a shift, and be kind to yourself as you keep processing things post-Camino.

I'm finally retuning this Summer, and am so grateful to be back in touch with this great community!
 
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I was looking for a recent topic on post-trail depression so I could add a link to an excellent article that was shared on hiking forum, but I could n't find one, so here you go!

I use to find that even after a four or five day hike I'd feel quite down, for no apparent reason. Since then I have realised the depth of the 'depression' seems to correlate with the length of the hike.

Anyway, the link is below, hope it's ok to share it. I learned quite a bit from what was written and post-trail depression seems to entirely make sense now.

https://just2hikers.wordpress.com/2015/01/14/post-trail-depression/

The writer refers to the longer U.S. thru-hikes, but I think a lot of it is relevant to the Caminos too.

Oh dear! I could have use this topic a few months ago!

I am a type A personality with "the cup is half full" kind of attitude. I have experienced mild blues from time to time but I would pick myself up and dust myself off and count my blessings that is until I returned from my first Camino!!!
It hit me about 3 weeks after my return, first I thought it was physical exhaustion and a genuine missing the Camino.... Then the endless rain at home... record rain, cold and grey... I had a hard time relating to my husband and was quiet and recluse... not me!
I didn't know much about the endorphin withdrawal and just cruised through this kind of blinded... Then one morning I came "clean", I said to my husband: "I think I'm depressed." It took me about two months to recognize this and a couple of weeks to "shake it off".

Although "postpartum Camino depression" was no fun at all, it did had a silver lining, it made me a more compassionate person.
It is only my prideful/ self-reliance disposition that prevented me of posting my condition... Maybe I needed to go through this alone?
I thank all of you for your priceless responses.
 
Endorphins certainly play a part, but if you feel really depressed after returning home it might just be the realization that the life you have is not the life you want. And in that case it might just be time for a radical life change ...
Buen Camino de la vida, SY
You are onto something very true, very powerful. Problem is, would I prefer to be a permanent pilgrim rather than what I am now? Maybe yes, at least for some time. Until I have done all Caminos one after the other. A couple of years? When I go back home would I still have a family? Those are questions that keep me up at night, especially since I turn 60 this year and could presumably make a "radical change", as you so aptly put it.
 
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You are onto something very true, very powerful. Problem is, would I prefer to be a permanent pilgrim rather than what I am now? Maybe yes, at least for some time. Until I have done all Caminos one after the other. A couple of years? When I go back home would I still have a family? Those are questions that keep me up at night, especially since I turn 60 this year and could presumably make a "radical change", as you so aptly put it.
Well it sounds like a wonderful daydream to take this Camino wanderlust to a new level, but as much as I've enjoyed the freedom and simplicity of 6 weeks in Spain on pilgrimages, it always feels good to know I have family back home who love me, waiting for my return. I think if we were permanent pilgrims much of what we look forward to...the excitement, anticipation, and planning would dissappear. The new routine of "constant Camino" would most likely soon become "old news" to us and lose appeal. Think hard before you make big changes in your life. Just my thoughts.
 
This post-camino depression was a little like post-travel depression for me. The way I coped was to almost immediately start planning my next trip upon arriving at home.

I don't have this issue with post-travel depression anymore as I've become a perpetual traveller, but after a long hike like a camino I start to plan the next one, sometimes even going as far as planning the one after the next one!

I think that's where forums are so valuable. Back in the day my planning would involve reading in bookshops or libraries. I still do that, but having so much information and great advice from forums like this is totally awesome.
 
Hi
Similar to others I have also come to the ( unscientific ) conclusion that it is this departure from living in the present that causes the drop in mood .
The best cure is to jump back on the horse !

Like you, @Camino Tom, my let down was similar. I posted an article here in the forums earlier, of my reflections, based on what I read and experienced. It is here at http://www.pilgrimagetraveler.com/what-is-a-pilgrimage.html. It is a long article on why people go on pilgrimage, but if you scroll down to the section, called "The Destination" you will see my list of Camino sorrows, and perhaps, how to rectify it.

I never considered the physical/endorphin addiction, but as a medical professional, perhaps the "runners high" plays a part. I never felt such a high, though I was elated at times on the walk.

This is all quite the fascinating conversation. Maybe I need to re-write the article.
 
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Like many others I felt down and a little at a loss after my camino. My scientifically unproven theory about why this happens goes like this....buried somewhere deep in our genetic code, obscured by modern life, lies the hunter-gatherer DNA pattern from which we are supposedly descended. This pattern thrives on the concept of daily physical activity to meet our basic needs. So what do we do each day on the camino? Engage in physical activity as we "hunt" and "gather" a place to sleep, our meals, etc. Sitting at a desk all day or driving around in cars like a lot of us do in everyday life is probably not consistent with our genetic hardwiring. Not to mention the relative simplicity of the Camino lifestyle. Not really any other requirements than to safely make it from point A to point B, find a place to stay and something to eat. And because we're on the Camino nothing more is expected of us by the outside world.
 
Like many others I felt down and a little at a loss after my camino. My scientifically unproven theory about why this happens goes like this....buried somewhere deep in our genetic code, obscured by modern life, lies the hunter-gatherer DNA pattern from which we are supposedly descended. This pattern thrives on the concept of daily physical activity to meet our basic needs. So what do we do each day on the camino? Engage in physical activity as we "hunt" and "gather" a place to sleep, our meals, etc. Sitting at a desk all day or driving around in cars like a lot of us do in everyday life is probably not consistent with our genetic hardwiring. Not to mention the relative simplicity of the Camino lifestyle. Not really any other requirements than to safely make it from point A to point B, find a place to stay and something to eat. And because we're on the Camino nothing more is expected of us by the outside world.

You and Bruce Chatwin :)

"Why is man the most restless, dissatisfied of animals? Why do wandering people conceive the world as perfect whereas sedentary ones always try to change it? Why have the great teachers—Christ or the Buddha—recommended the Road as the way to salvation? Do we agree with Pascal that all man's troubles stem from his inability to sit quietly in a room?
We do not often ask these questions today for we commonly assume that living in a house is normal and that the wandering life is aberrant. But for more than twenty years Chatwin has mulled over the possibility that the reverse might be the case."
(Goodreads review on 'The Songlines' by Bruce Chatwin)
 
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Probably for most of us the Camino is a significant change, or even a radical one - from our normal lives. On the Camino one has the daily walking, accommodations and basic needs issues... and for most of us a more simplified lifestyle. We likely experience a lot less psychic energy being used then most of us do in our more complex home-lives. The Camino also provides a very specific goal for us to attain. Endorphins are flowing.

REENTRY issues occur to lots of folks who have signicant changes in life style. When we return home - listening to, and recognizing those changes in mood and even,perhaps, dissatisfaction with ones normal routines, relationships, etc., is an important step on our life journey! Perhaps one of the gifts of the Camino is that it allows us during and after to re-evaluate our personal journeys! However, give yourself time upon reentry to adjust! Seek advice before making radical changes! If you are feeling depressed and this persists seek professional assistance! This too can be part of your journey!
 

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Today is Sunday and I finished my Camino from León on Friday. The thing is I am feeling off balanced. I feel like I am not done. Last night I started feeling anxious with the thought of going back...

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