What about contemplation and personal development on the Camino when you are a scumbag?

[Shinobi42]

Yesterday I have returned from a two day hike that was intended as a test of my gear and myself for my second half of the Camino in October. I must admit that I did poor planning and the way that I walked in Taunus (the hills north of Mainz and Wiesbaden in Germany) was sometimes very boring because I walked on a normal street. I thought I would find some nice hiking routes with my specialized map underway, but this did not work. As the result I was the most time angry about myself, my physical condition and I had some problems of climbing up the hills because of my compression stocking (I have currently a DVT). So it seems there was not much of a chance for valuable contemplation but for remarkable muscle aches.

Most of the time when I watch Youtube videos from other pilgrims or when I read articles about pilgrimage I am thinking that I would like to lend their personality, their way of thinking. Then I could go and make great experiences for my personal development. Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to my pilgrimage, but I have lost a bit of my hope that it would bring me positive impulses for my spirit for the time beeing. Because it is just me that is going here, with a pack full memories of faults and wrong decisions that I made in my life, with my anger, with a handfull of cynism, with decreasing trust in others. I remember an important sentence in the book from the German author Hape Kerkeling about some pilgrims: "They will leave the Camino as they started it".

It seems I fear more this lack of personal growth than of blisters and bed bugs. What are your thoughts?

 

[Flog]

Thank you for your honest post. Try to enjoy the simple things, live in the present and leave the regrets of the past in the past where they belong. Offer help to others in need and you will soon learn to be kinder to yourself too..

 

[roving_rufus]

Sounds like you had a hard time on that hike, and it made you hard on yourself too. But it also sounds like you are aware of the burdens you are carrying, and maybe the camino is a good chance to put some down or gain some new perspective on them, and give yourself a break and reframe them with some kind words to yourself, forgive yourself etc etc. There are people who gain little from the camino but most do, just not in the ways they expected.

 

[VNwalking]

Because it is just me that is going here, with a pack full memories of faults and wrong decisions that I made in my life, with my anger, with a handfull of cynism, with decreasing trust in others

No-one else can be you.
And we all have gifts, as well as faults.

The past is gone, and can't be changed.
The future isn't yet here and can't be controlled.
Letting both those be and just walking without an agenda of any kind - without needing to change yourself, even - will allow the process of walking the camino to work its magic

The camino? It will ask you to be who you are unapologetically. Step by step. And you will see all that. And more - including all your strengths. Because you wouldn't be drawn to walking this way unless there is good in there to be uncovered. And you'll come out the other end more whole.

Buen camino peregrino. Your pilgrimage has already begun.