When you're leaving someone behind....

[Kiwi-family]

how do you cope?
I would never have imagined walking the Camino without my hubby - we met at age 15, were married at 20 and are still together nearly 24 years later. The only nights apart have been when he has travelled for work or taken kids away for a weekend or when I've been in hospital with kids having surgery. We just don't go off and do our own thing.
And now I'm going away for three months.
Two and a bit weeks to go and I'm feeling a mixture of nervous and excited, but it feels all wrong to talk about the excited bit;-)
He is scared of coming up to meet us and doing something wrong coz I do all the planning and know what's happening (actually he's perfectly capable and will be fine). I'm scared of getting the wrong SIM card or not being able to get money out of the ATM (coz he ALWAYS does that when we travel). We LIKE to travel together, and I guess I'm a little nervous about not having him along for the ride.
But I'm not backing out now. I try not to talk about it too much, but where do you draw the line between boring those who are staying home and including them in the adventure?
Advice welcomed.

 

[itsjann]

I'm experiencing similar thoughts, this will be my first time "traveling" without my husband too, as he can't take that much time off work. I go between excitement to try it on my own and guilt about leaving him behind. He is however, very supportive....I'm lucky. I think my husband feels a little better knowing I won't be walking totally alone as I am going with my brother (who has never been out of the country) but we have decided to walk alone and meet up each night. We are going mid sept starting in SJPP .......keep us posted on your adventure!
Buen Camino

 

[Kanga]

I always have this dilemma when I'm on the Camino without my husband. Quite simply, I miss him. We've been married for over forty years. We love travelling together. We love being together. Neither of us sleeps very well unless we are in the same bed. But up until this year (when he retired) he has not been able to spend more than a few weeks away from work.
My solution has been electronic. Every morning when I start walking I text him. It is evening for him so he responds, and we have a short conversation - enough so we keep each other up to date, and connected.
And the reunions are fabulous.

 

[Kelly Scherer]

I am having similar anxiety but I am not leaving my husband, I am leaving my 5 year old daughter I have not been away from her for more than one night since she was born! I do find comfort that she will be on vacation with her Nana and Papa, but I am worried that I won't be able to talk to her everyday. On the flip side, I am truly blessed to be able to take this journey and I believe it is for the greater good ( if that makes sense). I will only be traveling for 2 weeks so I think it will be good 22 days til lift off! Buen Camino! Kelly

 

[CISSA69]

Hi there

My advice would be to spend time together discussing how each of you will walk/live your Camino, he at home, you in Spain. Listen to each other concerns anf if need be devise practical solutions to practical problems.

Avoid strstegies based on fear and guilt, eg checking in each day as opposed to communicating based on desire/love. Msybr download a GPD transponder app which updates automsticslly whenever you arr on WIFI.

Buy 2 copies og yhr same guide book eg Brierley, give him one copy snd bring one on the Camino. In thid wad he can follow your progress day by da, reading the same text, maos, quotations as you. It is a perfect/bedt way for your husband to follow your progress and more importantly get an understanding of where you are. Men like facts in order to access yheir emotions.

Write old school letters and post cards to him. Surprise him but sldo providr certainty rg alloe him to text you if he desprrately needs to talk/communicate.

get him to watch the movir "The Way" as it gives a good picture of the Camino, be it Hollywood. A better movie is "Within the Way Without". Watch yourself to make sure they give the desired effect.

Buen Camino

 

[Suzanne Edminster]

What a good list of suggestions! My husband would like me to print out a detailed Camino Frances map that includes lots of the little places I might land for the night. Do any of you know of a good place to print out a map that could be mounted on the wall? He's a visual type. Also-- good suggestion about a second guidebook. Don't know if I will be using the Brierly or the CSJ guide yet.

Hi there

My advice would be to spend time together discussing how each of you will walk/live your Camino, he at home, you in Spain. Listen to each other concerns anf if need be devise practical solutions to practical problems.

Avoid strstegies based on fear and guilt, eg checking in each day as opposed to communicating based on desire/love. Msybr download a GPD transponder app which updates automsticslly whenever you arr on WIFI.

Buy 2 copies og yhr same guide book eg Brierley, give him one copy snd bring one on the Camino. In thid wad he can follow your progress day by da, reading the same text, maos, quotations as you. It is a perfect/bedt way for your husband to follow your progress and more importantly get an understanding of where you are. Men like facts in order to access yheir emotions.

Write old school letters and post cards to him. Surprise him but sldo providr certainty rg alloe him to text you if he desprrately needs to talk/communicate.

get him to watch the movir "The Way" as it gives a good picture of the Camino, be it Hollywood. A better movie is "Within the Way Without". Watch yourself to make sure they give the desired effect.

Buen Camino

ons

 

[koilife]

Skype over WiFi goes a long way if you take a smart phone or tablet.

Also, as you form friendships along the way, it helps to buffer the experience. On our anniversary, I Skyped with my wife and then went out for dinner with two couples who became close friends. We all tipped our first glass of Rioja to our anniversary.

 

[mspath]

Suzanne,

For info on a wall map of the Camino Frances see these two Forum threads >>
el-camino-frances/topic14122.html
and
el-camino-frances/topic16444.html.

Also look at this site >>
http://caminodownunder.wordpress.com/20 ... es-part-2/

Buen Camino,

Margaret Meredith

 

[RobertS26]

The Camino is well connected to internet via wifi (or "we-fee" as they say in Europe). Almost every café or bar along the Camino has it. If you take a smart phone, you can take pictures and upload them to Facebook to give your husband and everybody else at home the opportunity to walk with you. The suggestion of having matching guidebooks is also brilliant. You only have to reference page numbers to literally "be on the same page".

Have a great trip!

 

[CISSA69]

What a good list of suggestions! My husband would like me to print out a detailed Camino Frances map that includes lots of the little places I might land for the night. Do any of you know of a good place to print out a map that could be mounted on the wall? He's a visual type. Also-- good suggestion about a second guidebook. Don't know if I will be using the Brierly or the CSJ guide yet.

ons

Brierley is logical, with maps, lots of ingo that men salivate over. Get the big guide for Hubbie and judt the maps and then the CSJ guide for yourself.

I will look into map idea. There is a map you can buy of the Camino in the tourist shops in Santiago. It is green in colour and comes in s tube. Maybe possible to buy on line or s pilgrim on the Camino now coulf pick one up gor you.

 

[owms2323]

Hi there

My advice would be to spend time together discussing how each of you will walk/live your Camino, he at home, you in Spain. Listen to each other concerns anf if need be devise practical solutions to practical problems.

Avoid strstegies based on fear and guilt, eg checking in each day as opposed to communicating based on desire/love. Msybr download a GPD transponder app which updates automsticslly whenever you arr on WIFI.

Buy 2 copies og yhr same guide book eg Brierley, give him one copy snd bring one on the Camino. In thid wad he can follow your progress day by da, reading the same text, maos, quotations as you. It is a perfect/bedt way for your husband to follow your progress and more importantly get an understanding of where you are. Men like facts in order to access yheir emotions.

Write old school letters and post cards to him. Surprise him but sldo providr certainty rg alloe him to text you if he desprrately needs to talk/communicate.

get him to watch the movir "The Way" as it gives a good picture of the Camino, be it Hollywood. A better movie is "Within the Way Without". Watch yourself to make sure they give the desired effect.

Buen Camino

Never heard of the movie Within the way without where do you get it?

 

[homa_bird]

My significant other followed me on google earth: http://www.caminodesantiago.me/comm...-and-travel-the-camino-in-google-earth.12695/

Real time visuals of the towns I was heading for etc. He had a ball sitting at home in an armchair, following my path, playing a game of Find Waldo (replace your name with Waldo's If he didn't hear from me for a few days, he would just take the little Google earth man down on the ground and walk the path, imagining where I might be staying etc. He loved it.

When I could, or when I felt like it, I checked in via a group email letter to family and close friends, maybe 2-3 days a week. Sometimes I just really wanted to be alone and unfindable. I enjoyed being swallowed by the immensity of walking an untracked path through the countryside of Northern Spain. Sometimes I longed so to be back home with family and it was very painful.

Both states are so beneficial, and the boredom inbetween: when you leave the everyday and challenge yourself, you grow. And your family does too... your initiative may provide them the surge they have long needed to do something they themselves dream of.

I salute with all my being those of you leaving the safe bonds of a close, soul-sharing marriage with such honest trepidation and joy to make this trip: I think you are extraordinary, brave, and a light to your family! Ultreya! You won't regret it!

Good luck! Love and Light! You will come home a better wife, mother, daughter, grandmother/father, son, husband, friend and community member. You will come home stronger...

 

[Kiwi-family]

Thanks for the suggestions. Funnily enough it will be my father-in-law who follows on googlemaps and plots out every day where he thinks we should go;-) Hubby will be happy with a text or reading our blogposts whenever they go up (at least, that's what we've talked about so far). While I like the guidebook idea, I know it wouldn't work for us. Firstly, he wouldn't read it, and secondly, I'm not taking it this time (not for the Frances anyway - I do have them for the Baztan, Salvador and Primitivo....on the Frances I just want to follow the arrows) For me, the tricky time is now, with two weeks to go, finding the balance of sharing excitement and trepidation, and it's an unexpected "awkwardness". Hubby will be joining us for two weeks, but we are hardly even discussing that because he feels it is such a short "trip" as opposed to what the rest of us are doing. I'm certainly looking forward to it.
I have made up a map that the older kids have been told they have to mark our progress on so that we can see they did care about us while we were gone;-) And I'm in the process of making little books for each child with a thought for each day - just realised I should really be doing one for hubby too;-)

 

[itsjann]

Homa bird....thanks for the google earth idea.....sounds like a great way to keep family involved. And thanks for the encouraging words....sept. can't get here fast enough!

 

[Jenyat53]

I am having similar anxiety but I am not leaving my husband, I am leaving my 5 year old daughter I have not been away from her for more than one night since she was born! I do find comfort that she will be on vacation with her Nana and Papa, but I am worried that I won't be able to talk to her everyday. On the flip side, I am truly blessed to be able to take this journey and I believe it is for the greater good ( if that makes sense). I will only be traveling for 2 weeks so I think it will be good 22 days til lift off! Buen Camino! Kelly

Hi Kelly
When my daughter and I walked last year, she told stories and left messages for her four year old, when we had wifi, through the WhatsApp application on her phone. It was marvellous. Her partner was able to play the stories as 'bed time reading' and we would wake up in the morning to thank you messages left by my granddaughter.
Have a wonderful walk!!!

 

[wayfarer]

I missed my wife terribly when walking in 2012. Nearly daily I found myself thinking " I wish she could see this" we did skype and text but its still tough. We knew each other since we were kids, started going out at nineteen and got married at twenty five. She was there to meet me in Santiago when I arrived and hopes to be there again this year.

 

[mspath]

It is always hard to switch gears and actually set off on the camino; each time what to then has only been an imagined dream suddenly becomes vibrant reality as I step aboard the train. My husband waves goodbye and suddenly I am alone in a different physical and mental space. Solo a new adventure then slowly unfolds from Paris, down to Bayonne, and then into the Pyrenees and SJPdP.

During my first caminos my husband and I communicated when necessary by land-line telephone; since 2008 I have carried a smartphone which also serves as a camera and computer on which I write my blog. Since we both are in our 70's whilst apart we text each other good morning, briefly cite our daily plans, and text again at day's end. Simple, swift and efficacious this helps keep each of us in the other's loop. ... At journey's end besides the sweet pleasure of togetherness we never lack for conversation !!

Margaret Meredith

 

[journeycakes]

There was no wi-fi at my first albergue in St. Jean Pied de Port which wouldn't have been a problem except there was also no wi-fi at Orisson where I stayed the next night, so by the time I reached Roncesvalles, my family at home hadn't heard from me since before I left Pamplona on the bus going to SJPP, so they were somewhat worried about my well-being. In hindsight I would have gone to a bar or coffee shop with wi-fi before leaving SJPP and send a quick e-mail to the folks at home telling them I was happy and well and would e-mail again in 2 days. Prior to my departure from home I'd told them to anticipate gaps in communication from me depending upon wi-fi availability, but because it happened at the beginning of my walk it was more worrisome for them than similar lapses later in my journey

 

[trevorcc]

Don't worry as I walk it alone as well, my wife asked if there were 5 star hotels and does she have to walk,,,,,,now you know why I walk alone. BUT never fear the whole way my wife was with me not a sight or a morning she was not with me so go with a light heart as it will be fully of your family.
Even after being in hospital for 8 days in Santiago de Compestella she is letting me go again not happy but she always supports me.

 

[Kelly Scherer]

Hi Kelly
When my daughter and I walked last year, she told stories and left messages for her four year old, when we had wifi, through the WhatsApp application on her phone. It was marvellous. Her partner was able to play the stories as 'bed time reading' and we would wake up in the morning to thank you messages left by my granddaughter.
Have a wonderful walk!!!

That sounds perfect! I already downloaded the whatsapp so now that I know it works, I am a bit more at ease thank you!!!

 

[trevorcc]

I'm experiencing similar thoughts, this will be my first time "traveling" without my husband too, as he can't take that much time off work. I go between excitement to try it on my own and guilt about leaving him behind. He is however, very supportive....I'm lucky. I think my husband feels a little better knowing I won't be walking totally alone as I am going with my brother (who has never been out of the country) but we have decided to walk alone and meet up each night. We are going mid sept starting in SJPP .......keep us posted on your adventure!
Buen Camino

Do not fear dont have expecatations just a smile and a greeting to all you meet on the way, I am going back in September but leaving around the 5th a few weeks earlier we may see each other just look out for a balding old Aussie with a smile and enjoying himself.

 

[journeycakes]

And I did go to Spain alone leaving my husband to hold the fort at home! We watched two movies together - "The Bucket List" and "The Way" before I told him the Camino was on my bucket list. For me it was not surprising to learn that it was NOT on HIS bucket list! Not being one to hold me back from fulfilling my goals and dreams, he supported my plan to spend 6 weeks away from home walking across Northern Spain. Because his work is physically demanding and because he doesn't have a flair for cooking, I left him with lots of packages in the freezer containing individual servings of cooked food I'd prepared to help him get through each week of work. This act of food preparation had the effect of assuaging some of my "guilt" for leaving my realm in the kitchen with its plethora of domestic chores and culinary creations, although I do believe that men should learn to fend for themselves in the kitchen for days when life is less demanding. I did my best to e-mail him most days and eventually the time passed and I returned home and life is good.

 

[Leaningforward]

Excellent question!

I walked in February and March, a time when I knew I would find solitude, which for me was a time to learn to -- and let -- go of three decades of habits developed slowly and incrementally, one moment, day, year at a time in response to stress and fear: being too quick to "manage" situations, and too quick to frustration, fear, and anger (and all the bad habits that stem from these).

I managed to walk off most of those habits, and see the ones that remain, and I returned home a changed person. Ultimately and eventually, the change is and will be a tremendous gift to myself, my wife, our marriage, my children, etc.

The problem coming home changed -- as happens in many situations where one spouse or partner is away for an extended period of time, such as military deployment -- is that I did not resume home life and relationships in the same way, with the same old habits, which was very unsettling for several weeks to my wife. In other words, I was not reacting the same way -- no longer raising my voice or losing my temper, tailgating, swearing (ha!), etc. From my wife's perspective, I imagine it was like body snatchers on the camino had taken her husband and sent home me instead, someone who is patient, calmer, gentler -- egads!

Looking back on the last month being home, I realize I could have said and done more to reassure my wife that I remain deeply emotionally engaged -- even when I am calmer, more peaceful, content with little (and frequently thinking about where to walk, for hours!).

All of this is to say that leaving a spouse or partner to walk the camino as I did, from St. Jean, can be a powerful transformative experience that leads to a healthier future, in body and mind -- and like any powerful transformative experience one might want to bear in mind that the sort of changes that can occur on the camino are internal and deeply personal, and not easily seen or understood by family who did not have the same experience. In other words, one's camino might pause -- not end -- in Santiago, before it continues back home, where one looks for more subtle way markers to find the best route through circumstances.

Buen camino!

 

[Gailsie]

My husband is a home-body and only likes to travel for golfing trips. This is a second marriage for both of us so we each have our own interests. He supports my camino aspirations but has no aspirations for a camino himself. My first camino I was away for 7 weeks (visiting Southern Spain after SdC) and I found that very long. Towards the end I was just emailing as I knew if I called and heard his voice I would be more homesick than I already was.

This time I only plan to be away for just over three weeks as I am walking Porto to SdC. I am not sure of internet access on the Portuguese route so I will purchase a phone card to call home. Very few of my family and friends understand my need to walk the camino and can't understand why I would want to walk alone

 

[itsjann]

Leaningforward, your comments have given me much to think about...thank you!

 

[Kitsambler]

My husband is a home-body and ... has no aspirations for a camino himself.

Same story here; we tried travelling together early on, and discovered it was easier on both of us if we didn't. So for my four pilgrim walks so far, I have "phoned home" every evening -- ten minutes seems to be about enough. Details and facts can go by email, but the sound of a special voice is worth the price.

 

[Kanga]

Excellent question!

I walked in February and March, a time when I knew I would find solitude, which for me was a time to learn to -- and let -- go of three decades of habits developed slowly and incrementally, one moment, day, year at a time in response to stress and fear: being too quick to "manage" situations, and too quick to frustration, fear, and anger (and all the bad habits that stem from these).


All of this is to say that leaving a spouse or partner to walk the camino as I did, from St. Jean, can be a powerful transformative experience that leads to a healthier future, in body and mind -- and like any powerful transformative experience one might want to bear in mind that the sort of changes that can occur on the camino are internal and deeply personal, and not easily seen or understood by family who did not have the same experience.

A terrific, thoughtful post Leaningforward. Keep telling your wife that in your eyes she's beautiful (which I presume is true), that you love her and keep sharing your experiences with her if you can. As a woman I know how how important that reassurance is. I do believe love is a word in action and deeds are more important than words but sometimes the words are needed.

Without doubt my solo Camino adventures and our shared Camino experiences help us see each other's qualities anew. You are right however, there is always a slight unease as we come together after an absence. It takes a bit of wriggling and shifting to get the "fit" right. Even more so when children are involved.