Hi everyone,
I attended the wake of Dr John yesterday evening.
Before I go on, perhaps I better explain a wake on PEI...
When someone passes away, usually a visitation is held the day before the funeral. The person is laid out--usually surrounded by beautiful displays of flowers--so his or her family and friends can pay their last respects. In this case, John had been cremated (in Spain) so the container with his ashes was surrounded by photos and momentos (including his passport) as well as copious arrangements of gorgeous flowers. The family stands--and did stand--on one side of the coffin/memorial so the friends can--and did--offer their condolences.
It doesn't just stop at that, however. The friends could be people the deceased grew up with, worked with, went to school with--someone from his or her life. Stories are told to the family, people remember the life of the person and pass on to the family these wonderful memories. There are handshakes (sometimes bone crushing from well-intentioned folk who don't know their own strength!), hands held and lots of hugs given and taken. It's a lot for the family to take in but it's a wonderful way to show them that their loved one was more beloved and respected than they realized. I always thought it was a barbaric practice, especially having the deceased on view, and never realized how important it was until my own father passed away, and hundreds of people came to give me and my siblings their stories and condolences. It really helped me with my grief to know my dad was so well thought of by so many people. I have come to respect this part of the grieving process and, when I am able, attend the wakes of those I want to remember, to support their families.
People will go to the wake and will wait, patiently--sometimes for hours--until their turn comes to join the queue and to talk to the family members. The visitors are ushered to a seating area, then after a while, to a line that leads them to the family--and the deceased--who are in a separate room (a salon) from the visitors. When the seats in the waiting room are full, a line up outside the waiting room is created. As people are guided from the waiting area to the queue to see the family, the seats are refilled by people from the line up outside. It's an interesting system and works really well. No one gets impatient and, in fact, the people waiting have a (quiet, respectful) gabfest, catching up with others that they have not seen in some time or maybe even just recently.
The transitioning of people into and out of seats (to join the line up to visit the family) is fluid and constant. In the case of Dr John, I calculated that during the 7-9pm visitation hours possibly 300-400 people attended the wake and saw the family. (This meant the 7-9pm visitation lasted until maybe 10:30--11pm--a long long time for the family.) Probably the same amount of people were there in the afternoon (from 2-3pm). I found out that the family only got a 45 minute break in between the two visitation periods--there were that many people who showed up to give their condolences. Dr John Goodwin was a well respected and well liked...no, he was a well loved man.
Yes, as there were a lot of people, it meant patience and understanding from everyone. I arrived only a few minutes after 7pm and didn't get into see the family until about 9:30-9:45pm. I didn't mind the wait in the least. This wasn't about me; it was for them. Everyone in the room felt the same, I will say.
That is what a PEI wake is like. I'm sure such a thing takes place in other parts of the world but people have come to the Island and expressed that they've never seen anything like it before. We love our people and want to show them a good send off, as well as to support their loved ones still here on this lovely earth.
I have to say again, I never met John while he was on this mortal coil or Nancy, or any of their family before last night.
I had no idea what I was going to say or even how to explain what I, a stranger, was doing there.
But when I got to the first family member in the receiving line--John's brother, Gerard--it was easy. You would think that the family at this time would be broken and out of sorts. It was not the case; they were friendly, welcoming, happy to see so many well wishers, and generous with their hearts. Yes, when the right person came along, the line of defense cracked open and the tears flowed, but that was OK; it's part of the beauty of the wake. It is how the family can begin to grieve, with the help and the support of friends.
I asked John's brother how long he (John) had wanted to walk the Camino, he (Gerard) told me it was a 10-15 year old dream, finally realized. We chatted about the Camino for a few minutes, then he introduced me to the next person in the receiving line, his and John's sister, Isabel. She subsequently introduced me to her sister Norah with 'this woman walked the Camino.' Each person introduced me to the next family member this way, and so I was able to meet and talk to Dr John's family: his siblings and his children, Abby, Kieran, Janna and Cassandra (Cassie). They were so happy that he had walked the Camino and told me that he was elated to be in Spain, finally walking the Way. He would send photos back home every day or so, to let his kids and other family, and friends, in on the splendor that he and Nancy were enjoying.
John and Nancy reached Castrojeriz and stayed in a private albergue there. I'm not sure of the timeline or how long they since they arrived, but John had a heart attack in his room. So awfully sad and tragic.
But as all pilgrims on the Camino know, there are angels everywhere and such was the case here. Every member of the family--two sisters, brother, four children and Nancy herself--all used that term with me, 'angels'. Angels in the form of the owner of the albergue. An angel from California--a pilgrim who spoke fluent Spanish; she helped Nancy in those first horrific hours and even after six hours, insisted on returning with her (leaving the Camino) to continue to help. Nancy said no, that the woman must continue on and walk her Camino. Angels were everywhere and the family were thankful and amazed. Everyone said that the assistance throughout the entire ordeal, from everyone, including you, Ivar, was kind, compassionate, ready, swift and expedient. I can't imagine what Nancy went through during all this--she was now alone in a foreign country and suffered the worse loss of her life--but the pilgrims and Spanish people made the terrible experience easier for her to get through.
Many thanks, love, hugs and best wishes to all the angels who helped John, and Nancy in her time of need.
When I reached Nancy in the visitation line, she looked at me like she knew me but when I told her we'd never met, she was surprised and confused (why would a stranger come to her husband's wake?). When I told her I had walked two Caminos and had come because I felt I needed to, and came as well, bearing the condolences of many many other Camino pilgrims, her face lit up with a huge brilliant smile. We talked a bit about the Camino and how it was special and wonderful. She was happy she had had the change to walk it, even after the circumstances. Such grace under pressure, I cannot tell you, but Nancy had it in buckets. What a beautiful person. Many hugs between we two recent strangers, now new friends, and of course, Camino family members, were given.
I told her that you on this forum wished me to pass on to her your condolences; heartfelt wishes from across the planet. She was gobsmacked, I think, but really happy that you all are so kind to think of her and her family at this time. She remembered you and Stephen, Orietta, and was touched that you had reached out. And Ivar, she had nothing but wonderful words to say about you and your help. She passes on her thanks to everyone who asked to be remembered to her.
And thank you as well, from me.
We talked for a while--probably longer than was 'proper' since there were still a good number of people waiting to see her--but she told me that she was so happy I had come, that no one else was there who could understand the Camino and who she could talk to about it and what it was (is). I was glad to be there. I said that we would meet again when she was ready; we could talk and chat about the Camino or other things when she needed to. This is a small town and we will find each other easily. (How to gracefully give her my contact information during her husband's wake... I had my business card but was loath to give her it there--it would be so crass to do that. When she asked how she could find me, I simply told her my office is above a local cafe--Beanz--which she visits and knows.)
I asked her how she knew about the forum, but she said she didn't really; that John was a member and had visited here often to plan their trip and walk. She said she only made the tea; John did the organizing! I don't know what his forum name was...Ivar? Do you know?
Before I left her, I told Nancy I had something to give her. I pulled out of my pocket a scallop shell I had picked up off the beach heading into Finisterre and gave it to her, explaining where it came from. I really wasn't sure how she would respond to this physical reminder of the Camino, but her face lit up like a child's at Christmas...she took the shell and almost danced over to where the display of John's photos and items, as well as the casket of his ashes, were and placed it there. She was so happy to have that shell; I didn't realize it would have that effect on her, but now am very glad I gave it to her.
Dr John Goodwin was a man I wish I had met. I think he was a remarkable and wonderful human being, especially judging by the numbers of people who came to offer their thoughts, best wishes, memories, hugs and condolences to Nancy and family....and more so judging from his family. He has a beautiful one. There was a photo slideshow in the waiting area; the photos showed John and Nancy and their four children, as well as other members of the family, hugging, laughing, smiling, joking, enjoying each others company, engaging with each other, tuned into each other and loving each other to bits and bits. What a spectacular group of people, related by blood and love. They will miss John--husband, father, son, brother, in-law, nephew, uncle, friend and buddy--to the end of the world and beyond.
Each person I spoke to in the family was so happy he had followed his dream of walking the Camino. It was 10-15 years in the making. And each one, save one (who said she has bad feet) said that they will now go to do the Camino to finish John and Nancy's walk. Or to start it afresh. They will walk in John's memory but also in his joy, because that is what he brought to each of his family and what he gave them to give.
Nameste.
And Buen Camino.
Buen Camino, John. You are now one of the stars in the Milky Way, joining the other pilgrims who have passed, to watch over and guide the pilgrims left on earth who walk their Way whether on or off the Camino trails.
My apologies for this long long note. I'm not very good at editing myself and once I start to type, things just start to flow.....