Help - Going with companion, but want to be alone

[jls17622]

I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.

 

[J Willhaus]

I think you need to have the talk about walking alone and meeting up in the afternoon. I am thinking this talk would have been better much before. I hope the Camino will either strengthen your relationship or give you both a opportunity to end it.

 

[C clearly]

Just to get an idea for how you might be able to cope, I'll ask some questions to get a better picture...

1. Where are you starting?
2. How long/far do you plan to walk?
3. Does either one of you speak Spanish?
4. Have either of you done much walking/training? Together? Are your walking speeds compatible?
5. Have you been planning for albergue accommodation or private rooms?

 

[lovelyshell]

This is a tough situation but I think you need to just breathe and let things be. You committed to traveling with him and it could possibly hurt his feelings if you bail on him. It may turn out that once you start walking that he is slower than you and you naturally separate. But I think in the spirit of kindness that you walk with him at the beginning and see how things go. If you feel you need some time alone just gently tell him that. I have a feeling once you are on the Camino that things will work out the way you want, you just need to be patient and kind. You both will meet other people or may even start walking with a group of people that act as a buffer. You just don’t want to be on the Camino and ditch your friend, you would see him along the way and it would be awkward and people on the Camino do gossip. For what it’s worth on my first Camino I walked the last two weeks with someone I got into a romantic situation with but I was adamant everyday that I was walking into Santiago alone. The night before Santiago he left me because I kept pushing him away. I walked into Santiago alone and cried most of the way because I felt so alone even though that’s what I wanted the most. I guess I didn’t really want to walk into Santiago alone and it would have been so much more fun to walk together after walking every day for two weeks. Just be patient with him, it will all work out. Don’t build up potential disappointment in your head otherwise you may manifest it. Things will change once you are on the Camino.

 

[MARSKA]

JLS "talk" to C clearly - she is good peeps.

 

[jls17622]

Just to get an idea for how you might be able to cope, I'll ask some questions to get a better picture...

1. Where are you starting?
2. How long/far do you plan to walk?
3. Does either one of you speak Spanish?
4. Have either of you done much walking/training? Together? Are your walking speeds compatible?
5. Have you been planning for albergue accommodation or private rooms?

Starting in San Sebastian, I'm walking to Santiago. I speak a bit of spanish, but he does not. We have trained a bit separate, and I my done one hike together. I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.

 

[jls17622]

This is a tough situation but I think you need to just breathe and let things be. You committed to traveling with him and it could possibly hurt his feelings if you bail on him. It may turn out that once you start walking that he is slower than you and you naturally separate. But I think in the spirit of kindness that you walk with him at the beginning and see how things go. If you feel you need some time alone just gently tell him that. I have a feeling once you are on the Camino that things will work out the way you want, you just need to be patient and kind. You both will meet other people or may even start walking with a group of people that act as a buffer. You just don’t want to be on the Camino and ditch your friend, you would see him along the way and it would be awkward and people on the Camino do gossip. For what it’s worth on my first Camino I walked the last two weeks with someone I got into a romantic situation with but I was adamant everyday that I was walking into Santiago alone. The night before Santiago he left me because I kept pushing him away. I walked into Santiago alone and cried most of the way because I felt so alone even though that’s what I wanted the most. I guess I didn’t really want to walk into Santiago alone and it would have been so much more fun to walk together after walking every day for two weeks. Just be patient with him, it will all work out. Don’t build up potential disappointment in your head otherwise you may manifest it. Things will change once you are on the Camino.

Thank you. I am taking all this and I appreciate it.

 

[C clearly]

Starting in San Sebastian, I'm walking to Santiago. I speak a bit of spanish, but he does not. We have trained a bit separate, and I my done one hike together. I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.

In spite of @MARSKA 's kind words, I don't have any magic solutions! Clearly, the "serious conversation" about walking alone should have taken place long ago, and relationship advice is not really appropriate for a public forum. So I'll just make some suggestions focused on the logistics of the Camino.

Maybe you can suggest that you test things out together for a few days, while you get oriented, and agree that on Day 4 (or whatever you decide, perhaps after the end of your pre-booked days) you will stop and re-evaluate how you proceed with the Camino. By setting that date and expectation, you can then relax and enjoy the first days together, to see how it goes.

If you want a week separate from him, you need to make that happen. Make whatever excuses you want - walking speeds, need for solitude and contemplation, type of accommodation each of you prefers, sights you want to see, etc. To be effective in the separation, you might need to deliberately get off the same daily destinations, but perhaps if he camps and you don't, that will give you the alone experience. If he has a problem functioning alone in Spanish, switching to the Camino Frances would offer more English-speaking company and infrastructure. But remember - he is not a child you are responsible for.

Maybe he won't like the Camino and will decide to go home! Maybe he will love it and you will walk together in harmony!

Many happy couples prefer not to walk Caminos together.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

 

[lovelyshell]

Starting in San Sebastian, I'm walking to Santiago. I speak a bit of spanish, but he does not. We have trained a bit separate, and I my done one hike together. I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.

If he wants to camp then that’s going to be a challenge for him because I don’t think there are a lot of camping spots along the Camino and I believe it’s illegal to just pitch a tent in the open in Spain. I could be wrong because I think you are doing the Norte and not the Frances. But if he wants to camp and you don’t then that’s your way to separate from him. He can’t make you camp if you don’t want to. If all else fails and you are truly miserable, fake an invisible injury like shin splints or plantar fasciitis and claim you need a rest day and you prefer to be alone because you’re really bummed and frustrated about your “ injury”.

 

[dougfitz]

I started my first camino with a friend in somewhat similar circumstances, and we very quickly began to walk separately. I have also walked with my wife, and we made that work the whole distance from SJPP to SDC. Clearly somewhat different levels of commitment. You might hope for the best in your circumstances, but be prepared to act quickly and decisively if it isn't working.

Being a little judgemental, unless you have willingly agreed to help, and quite specifically set boundaries on what help that entails, I don't think you are under any actual or moral obligation to do that. He needs to stand on his own at some point, and I would be thinking of one or two days and not much longer. He needs to know that at that point you will be walking alone in every sense of that phrase, and that it will only be coincidence if you see him on the road, at a bar or cafe, or in an albergue. Be available if he needs an emergency contact, but don't be there every day just to discuss the weather and what he needs to be wearing in it.

Be prepared for any attempt at moral persuasion on his part to keep you helping him. You haven't suggested there is anything, other than unfamiliarity with overseas travel, that will stop him surviving. If he cannot, so be it. If he does, you will both be stronger for helping him do that on his own.

Good luck!

 

[Former member 107885]

I started my first camino with a friend in somewhat similar circumstances, and we very quickly began to walk separately. I have also walked with my wife, and we made that work the whole distance from SJPP to SDC. Clearly somewhat different levels of commitment. You might hope for the best in your circumstances, but be prepared to act quickly and decisively if it isn't working.

Being a little judgemental, unless you have willingly agreed to help, and quite specifically set boundaries on what help that entails, I don't think you are under any actual or moral obligation to do that. He needs to stand on his own at some point, and I would be thinking of one or two days and not much longer. He needs to know that at that point you will be walking alone in every sense of that phrase, and that it will only be coincidence if you see him on the road, at a bar or cafe, or in an albergue. Be available if he needs an emergency contact, but don't be there every day just to discuss the weather and what he needs to be wearing in it.

Be prepared for any attempt at moral persuasion on his part to keep you helping him. You haven't suggested there is anything, other than unfamiliarity with overseas travel, that will stop him surviving. If he cannot, so be it. If he does, you will both be stronger for helping him do that on his own.

Good luck!

Totally agree with this! It’s a tough conversation sure, but don’t be ambiguous, don’t ‘soft soap’ it, no ‘halfway houses’ and don’t leave it open for interpretations. You have spent a lot of money, time and effort on this. One tough conversation will leave things in a great place for you, and I would guess will be better outcome for him too.

 

[J.Patrick]

At the beginning of your post, you asked us to be gentle. It’s good advice. Be gentle with him, and clear. Most of us, in our very first Camino, find that we are quite competent to do this. If you helped him through the first day or two, he might find himself more capable and self-sufficient than either he or you suspect. Time, alone, may solve your concerns. He may also discover that he likes walking alone, too.

 

[WalkingPlaylist]

I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.

Although under happier circumstances I have also travelled with someone (my Dad, also 20 years + older and needing some assistance) and at times wanted some "alone" time. The best thing I have found is to be upfront and honest. I've said, "even though we are on the journey together, there are times and reflections each of us need to fulfill and have the best experience we can." We then discussed what each wanted and how we wanted to spend that time. For my Dad it meant every day, around mid-morning saying his rosary while he walked alone. For me it was the occasional break to listen to music. Or we often split at the rest points each doing what we wanted.

You don't have to walk next to each other and chat all the time. Often times my Dad and I walked together but not side by side and in silence, we also signaled and suggested to each other to walk ahead for whatever reason - needing to slow, needing to hurry, wanted to take in a sight, to take a picture, etc. the natural cadence of walking. Sometimes a third person was a part of the conversation and also took the inclination for one of to speak. Single walkers are sometimes looking for a talker...

If for you a standard "alone time" is better then establish that going in so you keep your balance and sanity and you both get to enjoy each other but at the same time get the experience on your own. Good luck and Buen Camino!

 

[Purple Backpack]

“I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” — Mark Twain

“The Camino provides,” the cliche proclaims. I imagine it won’t take long for things to sort themselves out. Nothing like a long walk to clear the air, the mind and the heart.

 

[PrayerPose25]

I made arrangements to walk with an acquaintance. During planning, our time schedules veered a lot, and I ended up starting 10 days before she did. So by the time she met up with me, I had my Camino legs, so to speak. That first day, for the first couple of hours, I walked rather slowly with her, but it became apparent that I could handle longer distances and quicker paces than her. When she was doubting her abilities, I told her I felt that also for the first couple days, but I just walked my pace until I found a rhythm and she would eventually as well. I suggested that I walk ahead and we would meet at "X" for lunch, in the evening, whatever... We each had phones so if need be we could readjust if necessary.

We easily fell into walking by ourselves for the majority of the day. It wasn't until near the end that I explicitly said that I enjoyed my time alone and wanted to walk into Santiago by myself. I'm sure she felt a little abandoned at first, but by the end she completely understood how we were each walking our own walk.

 

[hikentravel1234]

I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.

You should have told him before it is too late. This is too important to be miserable. Now that you are left with the situation, you could at least "walk together but separate" for the first few hours (within sight but not together). Not that uncommon to have alone time in the morning to pray/contemplat/other, even if you are with the perfect walking partner.
But let him know upfront that you want to do this.
You may also explain that BOTH of you may want to do some separate things--that way you have separate time AND both get to meet the wonderful people on the Camino.
This may very likely work for both of you so long as you meet up together for lunch and dinner. If you did not meet up for lunch or dinner, this would likely make it harder for the gentleman you will be walking with. I will tell you that one other time that he may want to walk together, is in the afternoon, but you can play figure that out as you go.
Again, it's called "walking together but separately" on and off throughout the day.
I hope that all goes well. There have been "break ups" along the way, but hopefully it does not come to that.

 

[Flatlander]

There's a saying in the cycling world that goes something like "wherever your relationship is going it'll get there faster on a tandem"
I'd imagine a long trek like a Camino could well be similar.

But then again, maybe not.

Depending on your own life and how much the Camino is embraced there can be a whole lot of new things to deal with. You may be surprised. Perhaps your older, less prepared friend will turn out to be your rock, the one familiar thing in an ever flowing river. Someone travelling internationally for the first time they might be full of wonder, curiosity and be a great companion. Then again, they might complain all the time that it's not like Kansas, Toto. I know some well travelled people and I'd avoid travelling with them like the plague! Similarly, depending on how much planning you have done a less prepared approach, at times, may be helpful, even enjoyable.

One of the truly great things about travel, but especially a well known camino route, is that it presents us with a chance to shed so much of our normal life and get back to basics. Real basics. Food, water and bed basics.
That can be incredibly liberating and can have a significant impact on our perspectives. And relationships.

However, you say you need to do this alone.
It's a bit late in the day!
But also, what is "alone"? You mention albergues. If there's other Pilgrims it'll be hard to be alone. There'll be others in the towns and villages you pass through. As well as locals!
Is it possible that this is just an expression of about-to-start-anxiety? You'd be less than human if you were as cool as the proverbial cucumber.
The advice to take a few days to get a feel is on the money, I'd think.
The advice for open, honest and direct communication is too.
The advice to travel separately and meet at the end of the day is followed by a lot of Pilgrims.

I often think that the heaviest baggage some Pilgrims carry isn't on their back at all but between their ears. That can be a real shame.
Expectations can be sky high. Fears too. Focusing too much on what the highlights are supposed to be can mean it is very easy to miss the highlights that matter - to us. Fears, on such a well serviced route in such an hospitable place are too often a waste of energy. Understandable, but still a waste.

If I learned one thing on my Camino it's that so many of the things that I thought were important turned out to be not that important, at all. There's a huge difference between thinking, planning, dreaming .......... and doing.

You're about to find out that difference.

Give the Camino a chance to show how it is going to treat you and your friend. Then respond.

Best of luck to you and your companion.

 

[MSCT]

Hi Jls,

Tough situation for sure! It’s always important to be kind… I would be honest though and tell him that this is a longtime dream and a lot of planning finally coming true and you would like to share a couple of things that are important to you. 1 is that you’ve learnt that it is not uncommon for pilgrims that travel together to walk separately through the day and meet up at night for a variety of reasons: walking pace, time to reflect and journey alone etc. and you both should be okay with that; 2. Camping outside designated sites (which are few and mostly hard to find) is illegal and if you do it you will be fined heftily and 3. Be prepared to be flexible along the way it’s a great journey if you are! Have fun! I did the Norte last year it was awesome!

 

[Former member 92300]

This is a hard one. You have already agreed to do this together and you are about to depart. It is kind of late to change the rules on your friend. It isn't fair to him that you suddenly say you want to be alone, but it is also unfair to you if you can't do it alone. So - time for a very serious talk! And do it as soon as possible. And find a compromise that works for both of you.

I suggest prefacing this with "I want to support you in your journey, but I also need some boundaries for my journey". And set those boundaries.

I suggest perhaps stating that "we will begin this journey together, so I can help you learn to navigate your way. But after the first week (assuming you are going for more than a week), I will want to be alone" - and define what alone means to you. During that week (or even just the first few days), make sure he has the proper apps downloaded to his phone and that he knows how to use them. Make sure he has the list of accommodations given at the SJPDP pilgrims office (if you will start there). Teach him how to use google translate if necessary. Make sure he knows how to find his nights accommodations. Make sure he knows how to find bars/restaurants along the way. But as he gets more comfortable navigating - have him do more of the navigating and then have him start navigating without you. If he is uncomfortable doing this alone - giving him that transition time will give him the confidence he needs so he can have a great journey. Then you can focus on your journey.

Then - what does being "alone" mean to you? Do you want to be 100% alone? Do you not want to see your friend at all? Are you OK with meeting up in the evenings for dinner and staying at the same albergue? Do you just want to walk your own pace and he walks his own pace and you meet at rest areas?

There are so many ways you can do this "together" without being "together" all the time.

I am hiking the VF with my daughter. We will share rooms every night, but during the day - some days we will probably be together all day, other days we may not see each other until we arrive in our destination. I am an early riser, she is not. I don't like to stop walking for long periods of time, she does. We walk about the same pace, but she doesn't like "how" I walk (teenage daughter - she complains if she doesn't think I am walking straight enough lol). I am an introvert - and she is very social in some situations. I probably won't go out in the evenings besides dinner, she probably will. But - we can do this "together" without being together constantly.

 

[AnaRosario]

I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.

I’m am sure that it will work itself out, once you start your pilgrimage. He will get his feet on solid ground and connect with others. Assure him you are a WhatsApp away. Explain this while on the plane, that you want him to experience his own Camino, as well as you need to have your own time to experience yours

 

[AnaRosario]

This is a hard one. You have already agreed to do this together and you are about to depart. It is kind of late to change the rules on your friend. It isn't fair to him that you suddenly say you want to be alone, but it is also unfair to you if you can't do it alone. So - time for a very serious talk! And do it as soon as possible. And find a compromise that works for both of you.

I suggest prefacing this with "I want to support you in your journey, but I also need some boundaries for my journey". And set those boundaries.

I suggest perhaps stating that "we will begin this journey together, so I can help you learn to navigate your way. But after the first week (assuming you are going for more than a week), I will want to be alone" - and define what alone means to you. During that week (or even just the first few days), make sure he has the proper apps downloaded to his phone and that he knows how to use them. Make sure he has the list of accommodations given at the SJPDP pilgrims office (if you will start there). Teach him how to use google translate if necessary. Make sure he knows how to find his nights accommodations. Make sure he knows how to find bars/restaurants along the way. But as he gets more comfortable navigating - have him do more of the navigating and then have him start navigating without you. If he is uncomfortable doing this alone - giving him that transition time will give him the confidence he needs so he can have a great journey. Then you can focus on your journey.

Then - what does being "alone" mean to you? Do you want to be 100% alone? Do you not want to see your friend at all? Are you OK with meeting up in the evenings for dinner and staying at the same albergue? Do you just want to walk your own pace and he walks his own pace and you meet at rest areas?

There are so many ways you can do this "together" without being "together" all the time.

I am hiking the VF with my daughter. We will share rooms every night, but during the day - some days we will probably be together all day, other days we may not see each other until we arrive in our destination. I am an early riser, she is not. I don't like to stop walking for long periods of time, she does. We walk about the same pace, but she doesn't like "how" I walk (teenage daughter - she complains if she doesn't think I am walking straight enough lol). I am an introvert - and she is very social in some situations. I probably won't go out in the evenings besides dinner, she probably will. But - we can do this "together" without being together constantly.

Exactly!!

 

[Former member 92300]

Starting in San Sebastian, I'm walking to Santiago. I speak a bit of spanish, but he does not. We have trained a bit separate, and I my done one hike together. I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.

The fact that you want to stay in albergues and he wants to camp might work to your advantage. You say you have the first few nights booked - during that time - do what I said in my last reply and "teach him the ropes" - but let him know NOW that it is OK for him to camp and for you to stay in an albergue after those first few nights. You can get together at dinner in the next towns if you want, or you can totally separate and plan to meet up together when you reach Santiago.

 

[peregrino_tom]

jls
you are at the timepoint in your journey that is verging on the most intense (possibly most stressful time) - remembering to pack everything, make flights on time, negotiate through customs, new transport hubs, language and environments etc. - so you may well feel more trapped by this situation now than you will in a couple of days.
And two heads can be helpful making the right decisions to get you to your starting point. Then, once that's all settled down you can start to work out how best to deal with things.
It might be useful to walk on the camino for a couple of days while you find your daily rhythm, and see how you both deal with the camino life before making any big calls. You absolutely won't know the social dynamics until you start - whether you or he are drawn in towards other people/situations walking at the same time - and how this might affect the relationship/dependency between the two of you.
What seems highly likely however is that someone who hasn't been to Spain (or anywhere abroad) before, who expects to be able to camp their way along the Norte is in for a few wake-up calls. So you should be prepared to handle some aftershock from that!
In summary, I think it's highly likely things will look and feel different in a few days and that then, accustomed to your new camino environment, you'll be better prepared and informed to take any necessary decisions - or ask us some more questions.... good luck!

 

[gowhipple]

Some say there's an internal and an external Camino. I agree. Maybe this is part of your internal Camino? I said to my wife, "You know we are walking three Caminos here?" She gave me that look, like, "What are you talking about?" You see, I know that look very well. ;-) I responded to her look, "My Camino, your Camino, and our Camino." We need to give each of these Caminos room to breathe. We learned very quickly, that she walks faster than I. She likes to meditate and think in the mornings. Sometimes we walked together. Sometimes we walked alone. Sometimes each of us walked with others. Sometimes even out of sight of each other. We always broke bread together and stayed the night together which was the "our" Camino part of the story. We had meaningful conversations along the way about how each of our three Caminos was going. If you can talk and frame it as three Caminos and then start walking, agreeing that you will discuss and adjust as you go. Bingo. The Camino provided in ways I never anticipated or could have planned for. I think that's why it's considered a metaphor for life. It is for me. ¡Viva la Meseta!

 

[Sparrow in Texas]

Two years ago I "invited", ugh, a neighbor, a cocky retired Air Force General fighter pilot to walk the Aragones with me. In spite of my efforts to caution him "to let the camino happen" he tried to "run the show". Finally one day out of frustration I pushed him down, climbed on his chest, grabbed his neck , and looking right into his face growled "You will listen to me!". His response "Message received!" It was special watching his transformation and hearing him admit "This was harder than I thought it would be!". Our next Camino will be Finisterre/Muxia this fall!

 

[J Willhaus]

Phil and I always have conflict on our together Caminos. I get up super early. He wants to get up at the last minute. He is super slow--takes a lot of photos, wants to chat with everyone, looks at every flower, wants to take the variant which is usually longer. I want to "get somewhere" so I walk with a mission which means few photos, little chatting, no variants. One or the other of us is usually waiting on each other along the way. I'm usually irritated that I have to wait and he is out of breath when he catches up and is mad that I don't want to let him rest...He says I don't drink enough water and I don't want to have to stop and pee, etc...
We just have different styles, but we still love each other. We always say we are going to "walk our own caminos", but rarely ever do. I think we are both worried that something will happen to the other (a fall, getting lost, heat injury). In the end it all works out.

 

[alexwalker]

This may be seen as a tough one, but not really: This is supposed to be your camino, and you have to take that tough talk as soon as possible. If you are not feeling well about the situation now, it will not get better: It will get worse, as well as your free and liberating feeling of walking your camino will be degraded: This was not what you had invisioned for yourself.

You are placed between a rock and a hard place: Liberate yourself. Your "friend" will not benefit from your unpleasnantness, because that is what this situation will grow into. IMHO.

 

[Bradypus]

We just have different styles, but we still love each other. We always say we are going to "walk our own caminos", but rarely ever do.

My wife and I have both walked Caminos and other long-distance routes like the Shikoku 88 temple circuit but we have only once walked for a multi-day walk together. Our walking styles and preferences are so different that it would be pretty tense to walk as a couple. So we support each other from home whenever the other is walking. Works for us.

 

[Former member 92300]

Phil and I always have conflict on our together Caminos. I get up super early. He wants to get up at the last minute. He is super slow--takes a lot of photos, wants to chat with everyone, looks at every flower, wants to take the variant which is usually longer. I want to "get somewhere" so I walk with a mission which means few photos, little chatting, no variants. One or the other of us is usually waiting on each other along the way. I'm usually irritated that I have to wait and he is out of breath when he catches up and is mad that I don't want to let him rest...He says I don't drink enough water and I don't want to have to stop and pee, etc...
We just have different styles, but we still love each other. We always say we are going to "walk our own caminos", but rarely ever do. I think we are both worried that something will happen to the other (a fall, getting lost, heat injury). In the end it all works out.

I commend you for continuing to do this despite the differences! My husband and I couldn't do it, we are beyond opposites when we travel. We would both be miserable because one of us would be NOT getting what we want. But lucky for me (and not so lucky for him) - he physically CAN'T do it. He needs 2 total knee replacements that they wouldn't do 15 years ago and now that they WOULD do it - he still won't do it. Thankfully he is supportive of my needs to do it.

 

[J Willhaus]

I commend you for continuing to do this despite the differences! My husband and I couldn't do it, we are beyond opposites when we travel. We would both be miserable because one of us would be NOT getting what we want. But lucky for me (and not so lucky for him) - he physically CAN'T do it. He needs 2 total knee replacements that they wouldn't do 15 years ago and now that they WOULD do it - he still won't do it. Thankfully he is supportive of my needs to do it.

He does go without me at times. Twice he has gone while I was working. I am taking a university group over the Christmas/New Year break and he won't go with me then, but I will have a bunch of university students to herd along. I complain a big story, but honestly we have had some of our best moments on the Camino together either as pilgrims or hospitaleros.

 

[GailGwyn]

I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.

Definitely have a talk before you go. We were in a similar situation last year. We'd arranged to walk with 2 friends. Everyone made assumptions- my husband and I that we wouldn't walk together all the time, every day, or necessarily stay in the same accommodation as our friends, and assumed they felt the same. As it was, they expected us to organise each day for them, including deciding, and sometimes booking where to stay. They'd even left their guide books at home. If at times they walked ahead (or we 'stayed back'), we would round the corner to find them sitting on a wall waiting for us.
It ended up not being a very happy Camino for any of us as tensions built. Sadly, it ended in the breakdown of the relationship between us all
I would never walk with anyone (except my husband) again.
You can hope that he'll make friends with others and find his 'Camino family', but alas, this didn't happen in our case.
Good luck!!

 

[RJM]

He's already going to be behind the proverbial eight ball everyday because he is wild camping. Finding a suitable tent location will encompass some time every afternoon or early evening and in all likelihood it won't be near whatever albergue you are staying in.
I'd just let things take their course along the Camino and concentrate on what you want to do and think of it as a lesson learned.

 

[RJM]

Two years ago I "invited", ugh, a neighbor, a cocky retired Air Force General fighter pilot to walk the Aragones with me. In spite of my efforts to caution him "to let the camino happen" he tried to "run the show". Finally one day out of frustration I pushed him down, climbed on his chest, grabbed his neck , and looking right into his face growled "You will listen to me!". His response "Message received!" It was special watching his transformation and hearing him admit "This was harder than I thought it would be!". Our next Camino will be Finisterre/Muxia this fall!

Ummm, what?

 

[Former member 92300]

You can hope that he'll make friends with others and find his 'Camino family', but alas, this didn't happen in our case.
Good luck!!

To add on to what Gail said - the bigger the group - the harder it can be for individuals in that group to find a new "Camino family".

Hopefully - if it is just this gentleman and his friend... and his friend is willing to walk his own pace and meet people - then there is a good chance this friend may find his own friends to hang out with!

 

[SeaHorse]

I have booked the first few nights and have an idea of albergues afterwards. He wants to camp.

Dealbreaker. This alone will make both of you unhappy.

 

[sarahchicago]

All the advice about having a heart to heart with your friend is excellent. If I can add something to the excellent advice from our esteemed forum friends, it would be that a giant dose of humor and a genuine willingness to laugh at yourself will help you immensely as you navigate this part of your Camino.

 

[RJM]

Definitely have a talk before you go. We were in a similar situation last year. We'd arranged to walk with 2 friends. Everyone made assumptions- my husband and I that we wouldn't walk together all the time, every day, or necessarily stay in the same accommodation as our friends, and assumed they felt the same. As it was, they expected us to organise each day for them, including deciding, and sometimes booking where to stay. They'd even left their guide books at home. If at times they walked ahead (or we 'stayed back'), we would round the corner to find them sitting on a wall waiting for us.
It ended up not being a very happy Camino for any of us as tensions built. Sadly, it ended in the breakdown of the relationship between us all
I would never walk with anyone (except my husband) again.
You can hope that he'll make friends with others and find his 'Camino family', but alas, this didn't happen in our case.
Good luck!!

Unfortunately, and probably it's a byproduct of movies like The Way and the German one with the comedian, many prospective pilgrims and pilgrims walking the Camino feel they have to have a Camino family to be with and if not their Camino is incomplete. In my experience it's more enjoyable to have multiple groups of pilgrims to walk and socialize with. Why hold oneself down to one group of people, or person when cooler ones or one may just be around the bend or down the road?

 

[J Willhaus]

Unfortunately, and probably it's a byproduct of movies like The Way and the German one with the comedian, many prospective pilgrims and pilgrims walking the Camino feel they have to have a Camino family to be with and if not their Camino is incomplete. In my experience it's more enjoyable to have multiple groups of pilgrims to walk and socialize with. Why hold oneself down to one group of people, or person when cooler ones or one may just be around the bend or down the road?

Yes, I don't usually look for a Camino family, but enjoy meeting a lot of people.

 

[Former member 92300]

In my experience it's more enjoyable to have multiple groups of pilgrims to walk and socialize with. Why hold oneself down to one group of people, or person when cooler ones or one may just be around the bend or down the road?

I liked being in the outer circle of a Camino family. I like my solitude - but when I feel lonely, I feel like I can join in with the group. I just weave in and out of the group as I feel the need to connect - or disconnect.

 

[Vancouver Rose]

I think it's fair to say to him, frankly, that you'd been planning this trip for a very long time, and that although you'd made plans when things were "different between the two of you", you want to ensure that you both get all you possibly can from the experience, and as such, you want to be sure that he understands you have no expectation of the two of you walking together each day, all day, or even necessarily staying in the same places if that doesn't feel right. Explain that the Camino is a great place to get to know oneself: Be alone with your thoughts and feelings, and take breaks if/when it suits you. Assuming you still care about him, you'd probably want to add that it might be nice to have some meals together along the way, and you'd certainly be able to do that routinely if you are comfortable staying in the same places - at least some of the time. But it's also important that each of you get the time you need to be quietly reflective and get to know the great person you're taking every step with (and that's YOU). I hope this works out well for you both, and that no ill feelings interfere with each of your concurrent, though perhaps not in-tandem, journeys.

 

[dougfitz]

Unfortunately, and probably it's a byproduct of movies like The Way and the German one with the comedian, many prospective pilgrims and pilgrims walking the Camino feel they have to have a Camino family to be with and if not their Camino is incomplete. In my experience it's more enjoyable to have multiple groups of pilgrims to walk and socialize with. Why hold oneself down to one group of people, or person when cooler ones or one may just be around the bend or down the road?

This is a good point, and I also think this notion of camino families somewhat artificial.

While I don't think I would enjoy walking in complete solitude, I have learnt to value the time that I do spend walking alone. And now that I have chosen to walk shorter distances, and do so more slowly, it is more usual for me to engage with others for relatively short periods when I am walking, more often at a cafe or bar when having coffee or a meal, or in an albergue. These can be engaging and entertaining discussions, but I never have any expectations of seeing those people again. It is, of course, wonderful if one does meet them again further along the way, or then in SDC, and to continue to share our stories.

My observations of 'camino families' is that they vary considerably in the way that they welcome 'outsiders'. The worst that I have seen, one on which I was on the periphery for some of my first camino, clearly did not welcome strangers, which I thought was a real shame. Fortunately, I have met groups that are the complete opposite, and who have sought out others walking alone to join them for a meal in the evening or the like.

Clearly, for some it is an important part of their camino experience to walk with others, meet and make new friends, and to enjoy their company along the way. I am not one of those.

 

[henrythedog]

Err.. the OP requested “be gentle”

I could have been more succinct, but I tried to pad it out a bit.

We get tales of familial bonding experiences on here which are heart-warming. We get tales of previously compatible friends who find after a couple of weeks that they really overestimated their desire to spend time together.

Here we have an OP (who I wish all the luck in the world) who is proposing to set off with someone who - with limited experience - she has significant differences with.

 

[markie6]

While it's a little too late for the conversation that should already have taken place. I do wish you good luck with all sincerity. Sometimes cruel to be kind is needed but many of us have been in similar circumstances and it's easier from the outside looking in.

i hope that the camino helps

 

[isawtman]

I tend to give out advice that is a little different which clearly irritates other people. But here I go. Somebody else said that the fact that he is camping might be to your advantage. I think not. I think it's going to make things much worse. The reason is that camping stuff weighs more than just sleeping at an albergue. So, the guy is going to be weighed down more and will be unable to hike as far. Plus, setting up camp takes time. Putting up the tent and taking down the tent is going to take much longer than just stuffing your stuff in your backpack at the albergue. That's going to put him even farther behind you. I would start out together and see what happens. See if he is actually able to keep up with you. If not, tell him to bus ahead 3 or 4 stages and tell him to keep walking and you'll catch up to him.

Also, I have to wonder about his motivations for doing this hike with you.

 

[trecile]

Somebody else said that the fact that he is camping might be to your advantage. I think not. I think it's going to make things much worse. The reason is that camping stuff weighs more than just sleeping at an albergue. So, the guy is going to be weighed down more and will be unable to hike as far. Plus, setting up camp takes time. Putting up the tent and taking down the tent is going to take much longer than just stuffing your stuff in your backpack at the albergue. That's going to put him even farther behind you.

I think that the fact that the partner would be farther behind by camping is exactly what was meant by it being to the OP's advantage. It would put more distance between them.

 

[jenwearing]

I know you are a few days in by now and I hope it’s going well.
A lot of great advice here already. I’ll just add that it’s never too late to say you’d like to “go faster”, “do my own thing for a while”. “Take a solo rest day”. I’ve done one camino with another person and we had totally different styles. I, like you, did 100% of the planning but she was a capable adult too and I had to remind myself that. Throughout the trip we kept having the conversation that we are each doing our own camino. We rarely walked together and we both had a great time doing our own thing.
I’m sure by now your travel companion has the hang of things and their enjoyment of the experience will still be high without you by their side.

If you haven’t already had a conversation about walking your own paths, and you still want to, just go for it. It doesn’t have to be messy.

 

[SimoneLucky]

Tell him. This is YOUR Camino. He’ll find his way. He’s a grown man for goodness’ sake. You probably should have had the conversation sooner, but it is what it is.

 

[WayWalker]

Thank you. I am taking all this and I appreciate it.

Just be honest. Does he expect you to quit or slow down if he gets injured or sick? Does he expect you to walk the same pace? Air out your and his expectations and stick with them.

 

[RJM]

Two years ago I "invited", ugh, a neighbor, a cocky retired Air Force General fighter pilot to walk the Aragones with me. In spite of my efforts to caution him "to let the camino happen" he tried to "run the show". Finally one day out of frustration I pushed him down, climbed on his chest, grabbed his neck , and looking right into his face growled "You will listen to me!". His response "Message received!" It was special watching his transformation and hearing him admit "This was harder than I thought it would be!". Our next Camino will be Finisterre/Muxia this fall!

Was it a transformation or a fear response? Buying time until a chance for an egress. No doubt something he would have learned in survival and escape school in the military.

 

[Former member 92300]

I tend to give out advice that is a little different which clearly irritates other people. But here I go. Somebody else said that the fact that he is camping might be to your advantage. I think not. I think it's going to make things much worse. The reason is that camping stuff weighs more than just sleeping at an albergue. So, the guy is going to be weighed down more and will be unable to hike as far. Plus, setting up camp takes time. Putting up the tent and taking down the tent is going to take much longer than just stuffing your stuff in your backpack at the albergue. That's going to put him even farther behind you. I would start out together and see what happens. See if he is actually able to keep up with you. If not, tell him to bus ahead 3 or 4 stages and tell him to keep walking and you'll catch up to him.

I think that the fact that the partner would be farther behind by camping is exactly what was meant by it being to the OP's advantage. It would put more distance between them.

@trecile - That is EXACTLY what I meant. It could put more distance between them. Which may mean different towns, but even in the same town it also gives them a different place to sleep - so they aren't in each other's face all day and all night. The fact that one wants to stay in an albergue and the other wants to camp - they can both get their way and the OP can use it to separate from the friend he doesn't want to be around. The OP wants to get away from his friend - so yes - the friend wanting to camp might very well accomplish that.

 

[MaxHelado]

I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.

So…..what happened?

 

[Kenniemil]

I need advice and please be gentle. I have been planning to do the Camino for 3 years but COVID delayed it. This year I met someone and he wanted to do it too, but things have not been great at all. I leave tomorrow and I am dreading him going. We are on the same flight. He is 20 years older than I am , but never traveled internationally and is counting on me to help him. I would like advice. This means too much to me and I think this can benefit him, but I need to do this alone. Please help.

I met a lady on the second day on the Frances in 2018, and we agreed to walk together. We immediately set rules:

• If one woke up earlier than the other, they could set off on their own,
• If one stopped, briefly or for some time, the other could keep on going at their own pace,
• One could freely choose to go on a different route or variation than the other,

These rules were followed by both of us, and worked perfectly. We walked together for five weeks, spending almost every night together in the same albergue or village. At one point I was ill and moving slower, but the lady kept going, as agreed. I did catch up a few days later, and we have been very good friends since then.

 

[simply B]

I made arrangements to walk with an acquaintance. During planning, our time schedules veered a lot, and I ended up starting 10 days before she did. So by the time she met up with me, I had my Camino legs, so to speak. That first day, for the first couple of hours, I walked rather slowly with her, but it became apparent that I could handle longer distances and quicker paces than her. When she was doubting her abilities, I told her I felt that also for the first couple days, but I just walked my pace until I found a rhythm and she would eventually as well. I suggested that I walk ahead and we would meet at "X" for lunch, in the evening, whatever... We each had phones so if need be we could readjust if necessary.

We easily fell into walking by ourselves for the majority of the day. It wasn't until near the end that I explicitly said that I enjoyed my time alone and wanted to walk into Santiago by myself. I'm sure she felt a little abandoned at first, but by the end she completely understood how we were each walking our own walk.

Been there, done that. This is my experience as well and I regard the advice as very sound!

 

[isawtman]

@trecile - That is EXACTLY what I meant. It could put more distance between them. Which may mean different towns, but even in the same town it also gives them a different place to sleep - so they aren't in each other's face all day and all night. The fact that one wants to stay in an albergue and the other wants to camp - they can both get their way and the OP can use it to separate from the friend he doesn't want to be around. The OP wants to get away from his friend - so yes - the friend wanting to camp might very well accomplish that.

I thought it meant since they would be sleeping in different places that would give her more alone time

 

[Camino Chrissy]

Ummm, what?

My thoughts exactly! I can't imagine her doing that to a man, let alone a military expert.


BTW, I am enjoying all the posts and advice on this thread, even though many are quite different in their approach to the potential problem the OP faces.

 

[WGroleau]

… I believe it’s illegal to just pitch a tent in the open in Spain. …

I have heard (read) that often. But just outside of Santiago, I encountered a tent with a Dutch guy who said he had been there two weeks. Said police visited him three times only to remind him to not build a fire. I had been working for two weeks at Pilgrim House but hadn't seen him come in. He said he had been in a few times to cook a meal or do some laundry.

 

[David]

Hi Jls. If your friend is on this forum he now knows how you feel - so I would get the conversation out of the way now.

How you feel? What should you do? Only you can be the one to know this ... that you have kept quiet about your growing reservations suggests that this is always what you do, not live your own life but the lives of others ... a solitary Camino can change this aspect of your life - making your own decisions 100% of the time, walking away from what you don't like, walking towards what you do like, can be truly liberating and alter your life when you return home.

I would say that a compromise negotiation would be a bad thing - why? because you will both be "meeting up" at specific places - what if you (or he) spontaneously decide to stop somewhere else? Guilt ... not good.
Also, you will always be sitting at a table for two rather than have that singleton thing of going to a big table and asking if you can join those strangers - that can lead to the best human Camino times.

Couples (and groups) look inwards, singletons look outwards, remember that.

You have promised him? Booked a few nights? Then I think you need to honour that - but just be honest without negotiation, that as your Camino came closer you realised that you wanted to do it alone, so at the end of those few booked nights you will separate.

By the way, he will probably ditch all the tent paraphernalia after the second day walking with it on his back .

 

[henrythedog]

Hopefully the OP has found a way forwards; with or without their companion.

 

[C clearly]

Hopefully the OP has found a way forwards; with or without their companion.

Yes, agreed! They must be on the Camino now. If the OP wants to report back, they can start a new thread, or PM a moderator to reopen this thread.