I Did It My Way - and so should you
Things you must do to walk a proper Camino:
Walk exactly 30 km per day, the perfect distance for you, and, therefore, for everyone. Walk it every day. Avoid the bed race, but be irritated at those who arrive ahead of you. After all, they used up the hot water leaving you to a cold shower. If they had kept walking until you arrived, you could have had a hot shower and they would be avoiding the bed race, a win-win for everyone.
Your pack must be a minimum weight. Take nothing that might provide an element of comfort. Brag about how little you brought, but borrow the hair dryer if it is offered. As a matter of fact, borrow anything that you left behind to save weight even if it is as small as a BandAid. It will help lighten others’ packs, and show them a little bit about packing smart, too.
You must walk at your own pace. Avoid interesting fellow pilgrims if they will put you off your pace.
Don’t set a schedule, or take maps. Guidebooks that might tell you about interesting historical spots just add weight. Leave them behind. Take no watch. If you need to know the time, you can always ask another pilgrim. They will be delighted to break stride to check their watches. Borrow their guidebooks, too.
Take no photographs. Your memories will be enough. Take no cell phone or iPod, either. Mozart is no brown thrush, after all, and the sounds of nature are the purest of sounds, not including trucks. If you do not use holistic relaxation techniques, then you are not permitted to relax.
Never leave early for fear of disturbing fellow pilgrims (me). Make no clicking noises with your poles, even if no one is around. Don’t let plastic rustle. No zipper, snap, or Velcro noises, either.
Stay only in albergues of a primitive nature. They are the true Camino. If they operate on donations, leave as small a donation as your conscience permits. If they foolishly ask for nothing, then nothing is what they deserve. Accept any offer of dubious sanitation. They did not have refrigerators or running water in the Middle Ages, so it is a luxury today. No one eating from the communal pot will have a communicable disease, so dig in, and be sure to help with the cold water clean up afterward. It may be your only chance to wash your hands, given the lack of facilities.
Eat vegetarian. It is kinder to animals and lower on the food chain. Buy raw foods that are not wrapped in wasteful plastic or paper. Assume a smug air of superiority that you have ecological enlightenment and others don’t.
Use a sleeping bag that allows you to be cold and uncomfortable at night. It is more important that your pack “meet weight” than you sleep well. Tolerate bed bugs because insecticides may have side effects.
Be zen and meditative. You cannot get anything out of a pilgrimage if you focus on the physical. Avoid other pilgrims that are not as spiritual as you. Learn and use the vocabulary of self-discovery. Remind everyone regularly that you are on a voyage of self-discovery, “walking my Camino.” They will admire you for the example you set.
Insist that other pilgrims act just as you do, wake when you do, sleep when you do, and eat when you do. Experience, enlightenment, and superiority are your firm foundations for leading others along the same path as yourself. They will eventually “get it,” if they will just do it your way.
Remember, it is your pilgrimage, so let other pilgrims know when they are irritating you. Avoid the local people because their peasant lives do not permit them to understand the suffering and exaltation of the pilgrim. If they wanted to use their five weeks of paid vacation, they could join in; they just don’t want to, and that is a personal choice they are entitled to make.
Complain incessantly about the weather, the hospitalero, and blisters. Assume everyone around you wants to hear all about it because they are not experiencing them too. Even blog about them. No one’s pain is as real as yours.
And that is the ideal. If yours is not just like it, then you have missed out on the real Camino and will have to do it again until you get it right. Rules are rules after all.