I was involved in a private communication with another forum member to try to help you during your Camino trials and tribulations several weeks ago. So, I totally understand where you are coming from. Having some similar personal and medical issues, I can offer these constructive suggestions, that I also hope will benefit others who read them:
1.
The Camino is my "Happy Place." It is where my mind retreats when I am having a particularly bad day, bad experience, or even bad or dark thoughts. Even having a polite disagreement with a family member or friend, or a bad experience while driving my car, can send my mind back to happier times on Camino, or in Santiago.
Many of us have heard this term "Happy Place" at times in our lives. When we are in psychic distress, we are encouraged to envision and then mentally put ourselves in this "Happy Place." I found over several years that the Camino is great for this. Really, it is.
Identify several situations that occurred while YOU were on Camino that just made your heart soar. Think about those moments in time. Picture them in living color. Smell it. Hear it. Feel it. Relive those situations, over and over, as needed, and repeat. NOTE: If you are doing something that requires constant attention, like driving, riding a bicycle, or flying an airplane, moderate your bliss accordingly...
The mind is much like a DVR. Use it to your advantage.
2.
Go to: https://www.santiago.nl/. This is the website for "het Nederlands Genootschap van Sint Jacobus" (The Dutch Society of Saint Jacob / James).
Join it if you have not already. They certainly will have a local group in Nijmegen. Join the local group.
NOTE: I am writing this to Gwaihir as I know he is from Nijmegen in the Netherlands... but the same thing holds true for any pilgrim with similar concerns, most anywhere in the world. Find your nearest group of "Camino junkies." Join it. Become active.
There, you can meet and interact with others who have done the Camino. They will meet regularly,. Go to meetings. Listen, before jumping in so you can gauge the pace, flow and general direction of any group... Start participating slowly, then increase appropriately.
Your experience and interests are unique and will add greatly to this group. They will have activities scheduled at home during the 'off season' that you WILL look forward to." Become an active member, join committees. Help plan off-season activities. Be involved...
It not the same as a Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, but it helps in much the same way. When you are around people "totally who get it" and can relate to things you say, life is far easier.
Also, the Dutch Society staffs a 'Huiskamer' (lounge) on the first floor of the Pilgrim Office in Santiago from May to October every year. Once you are active in the society's activities and affairs, you can volunteer to help at this wonderful place. Volunteers are provided a free place to live, completely furnished, for their two-week tours.
These are great people, doing wonderful work, and I try to befriend every one of them while I am at Santiago, either after my Camino, or while I am working for a month each summer at the Pilgrim Office. They know me well...
3.
Find a way, or ways, to give back for what you have received...pay it forward.... Being retired, living in South Florida, but not playing golf, I have found that the single best way for me to stay sane most of the time is to give back. I spend perhaps two-hours daily on this forum trying to help others. The American Pilgrims on the Camino (APOC) has a local chapter (Miami area) and I participate in monthly activities with them as much as I can. Also, I practice my Spanish for at least one-hour daily online using
www.duolingo.com. It is FREE.
Taken together, these activities give my daily life a routine that is healthy and supports my passion...the
Camino de Santiago. A regular routine is a good thing.
4.
Nurture your Camino friends... I can truthfully state that I have far more friends because of the Camino than those accumulated throughout my entire 60-plus year life... so far... Some of these friends are here in the US. Some live in Spain, at Santiago, or elsewhere, in Spain or in Europe. Some are close enough to visit occasionally. Others I communicate with regularly using email. But, I do try to maintain and work to cultivate these friendships.
I have learned that most long-term friendships are best when you share something profound in common. Former classmates from my childhood are long gone and forgotten for the most part. Similarly, university friends are long gone.
Likewise, most of my former colleagues from my professional life faded away after I retired. I went from a contacts directory of over a thousand professional contacts to perhaps less than ten now. I have hundreds of contracts, but essentially none remaining from my professional life.
It is just a fact of life that the passage of time and distance, like when one moves around, creates an emotional distance, Unless one goes out of their way to work diligently to manage former relationships, they wither and fall away. Again, this is a normal paradigm. None of this is personally-directed.
5.
Camino 'bonds" and friendships are different... The Camino creates a bond that is different, at least IMHO. The single best comparison I can come up with is with former soldiers who have faced combat, or perhaps former police officers or other first-responders, who have seen the worst of what people can do to each other. Unless you were THERE and experienced the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes, you cannot truly or fully understand it.
Unfortunately, for some of us, these intense and sometimes life-threatening activities left a scar or stain on our psyches. The current medical term of art is Post Traumatic Stress (PTS)." Therapies and medications can help, but sometimes a vision, experience, smell, sound or sight will set off memories of BAD times. The Camino, in my view, works in exactly the opposite manner...
This is EXACTLY what I mean when I compare the Camino to this paradigm. EXCEPT, for us, Camino veterans, the sensory triggers usually set off a dopamine rush of GOOD FEELINGS and MEMORIES. In doing a Camino, you are experiencing the flip-side of the coin from a PTS(D) type reaction. In my view, this is the best medicine to having to deal with any emotional illness or anxiety disorder. I have to contend with both conditions, so I know from first-hand experience.
The Camino is one of those life experiences that you cannot truly understand until you have done it. Over six or seven years, have spoken to many, many people about this.
On the Camino, bonds are created and reaffirmed. Many are deep and last for life. They are typically based on the shared experiences, good and sometimes, not so good. Some relationships last only for the Camino itself. But, you seldom forget those who made an indelible impression on you, or who helped create a memory that will remain with you for the rest of your life.
Summary:
I have many Camino memories. They will remain with me until my dying day. Most are very, very good. Others are merely pleasant. I have NO BAD CAMINO MEMORIES.
That is the great thing about using the Camino as my "Happy Place." It never fails to support me when I need it. It is always there, like my shadow. The happy memories are predictable, reliable and forever, unlike many personal relationships we make in life.
Hope this helps...someone...