Brother David, things seem to burn down all around you!
Fascinating story, and I suspect you of many an inner revelation,...as must be after a lifetime of wandering and struggling. Hesse is on the list of "authors of my heart," right after Mann; the contrast of N-Goldmund is an old theme. I think in the heart of Christianity lies transcendance of the Dyonisian part of our nature...acceptance? yes, but an acceptance that does not mean we simply agree to plop down into the conditioning of our carbon atoms (as is the new age fad of feel-good religion, the pick and choose what you like conglomerate...the "accept yourself" crowd
You know what I mean. There is an "accept yourself," and then there is an
accept yourself...that occurs in a very different place of the soul...
As for us being miserable wretches, I agree with what you said...it is indeed, not pathological nor a fake piety, we simply raise the bar. In an old Orthodox book I read:
"In the Monastery where the famous Avva Dorotheus lived, a pilgrim heard it said that the closer a man becomes to God, the more he feels a sinner, and he expressed his doubt about this: 'How can a holy man consider himself a sinner?'
Avva Dorotheus asked him: 'What are you in your city?'
'I am among the great leaders,' the man answered.
'But if you go to the great city of Cesareea,' Avva continued, 'how will you be seen there?'
'Among the last of the leaders.'
'And if you go to the even greater city of Antioch?'
'There I shall be only a common citizen.'
'But what if you go to Constantinople itself, and present yourself in front of the holy Emperor, how will you be looked upon?'
'There I shall be truly no one!" answered the pilgrim.
'You see, so it is with the saints,' Avva continued, 'the closer they become to the Lord, the more insignificant they feel.'
Many blessings for your community. A true endeavor in our times (and so many people who long for such a refuge). With St Francis and Padre Pio watching over you, you can't go wrong!
I will scurry away now before Ivar catches me blabbering on about non-Camino things
amaris
ps. I think my parents had no idea as to the alternate meaning of my name, but simply went on the Latin basis for it (amor = love. amaris = loved). Just goes to show you....