Coleen Clark
Active Member
- Time of past OR future Camino
- Walked August 2015, planning on walking August 2017
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Was it that guy with the clicking trekking poles, or the lady who snored? Or the tourigrino with the clean boots?My mind ran on and on about someone who did me wrong
No, actually it was a man who snored........ or the lady who snored?
Coleen, you need a real long distance walk. Solvitur ambulando ... It is solved by walking. Do you hear the Camino screaming out at you???I was doing my morning march with backpack, hat, water and double sox, getting ready for my Camino to start on August 3rd, and found myself stomping rather than walking and humming. My mind ran on and on about someone who did me wrong, then another person came popping up that I just could not forgive, and still another scene played out where I had been injured until I had this long list like Arya in GoT that I was whispering. My feet took the brunt of the anger, bang bang banging along the road, until I realized what I was doing. Now when I allow my mind to wander I try to guide it to my blessing rather than my pains. Maybe the Camino will teach me to forgive, obviously I have not yet. The heaviest item in my backpack is my grudges.
Oh no! Nothing on the Camino has me fuming (yet). I don't start walking until Aug3. Everything that is on my Camino I bring with me, and although I really don't want to bring anything "bad", we are not perfect, and parts of me need the walk more than other parts. My attitude needs it. My knees don't. My spirit really needs it, it's been drained by taking care of others. My fat behind needs it. I will try not to leave big puddles of regret, meanness, and grouchiness for other Pilgrims to step in, but I am hoping to shed it all as I walk. (watch your step, pal)Was it that guy with the clicking trekking poles, or the lady who snored? Or the tourigrino with the clean boots?
Coleen. I actually loved your post. What I heard is that you are taking all of yourself on the Camino -- not just the funny, wise, kind, caring, witty self that we have come to love here on the forum, but all of the parts of you. The pain and the joy, the ideal and the parts that are less than you wish they were. This can only be good. You are human. The Camino is a journey for humans. Haven't you been to memorial services or funerals where it sounds like they are mourning the idealized person and not the real, every day person? I learned many years ago that the range of being human is very large. The best, and only person to take on Camino is you. Buen Camino.
I was doing my morning march with backpack, hat, water and double sox, getting ready for my Camino to start on August 3rd, and found myself stomping rather than walking and humming. My mind ran on and on about someone who did me wrong, then another person came popping up that I just could not forgive, and still another scene played out where I had been injured until I had this long list like Arya in GoT that I was whispering. My feet took the brunt of the anger, bang bang banging along the road, until I realized what I was doing. Now when I allow my mind to wander I try to guide it to my blessing rather than my pains. Maybe the Camino will teach me to forgive, obviously I have not yet. The heaviest item in my backpack is my grudges.
Are you suggesting,that your life...becomes your own again?One of the more wonderful things with walking, and the Camino, is the absolute freedom granted and the total loss of control. You get up in the morning at strange hours, you walk alone or don't, you drink coffee which is not from some godawful place like Starbucks but rather real coffee, you plan well how far to walk but then often stop sooner or continue on further,...and your thoughts come and go on their own - almost meditation in which you cannot actually direct your concentration your interest, images appear and fade, lost memories suddenly surface, long forgotten old friends suddenly pop up into your mind, family now, from the past, and the future, and yes aggrevations disappointments and failures alongside best ever experiences, and a often a reassessment of life, of occupation, of why we do what we do and why we are walking in Spain at all. Glorious.
Colleen, you are making me blush! ;0) And trust me, it will not feel fast at all. "If only" you will be telling yourself as you are about to set yet another foot forward and in pain ;0)I understand. I'm scared, excited, proud, and apprehensive. Kinda like my (first) wedding night, but not so disappointing (or fast...) I hope.
Ah now, Martha. I am going to take my time, I'm the slow one everyone will pass, so you will eventually catch up with me, since you have an agenda with your husband. We hesitate to say we are doing something for ourselves, but WHY? For all the times we did for others, we are allowed to be selfish once. And I have to ask, is it really selfish if, when we walk and become a better person in the world, we are making the world better?Colleen...your post really rang my bell! So many people ask "why" when they hear of my plans to walk the Camino. I hesitate to answer truthfully and often give a vague answer void of the real truth that pounds at my head while writing this. I must admit that I'm taking this journey for many reasons but mostly because I want to do something for myself that is not a result of doing for others. Over the years I've become the planner and organizer of our travels. I was thrilled that I was doing this "alone" but now my husband will be joining me for the last 100 km; which means giving up the fun of the albergues for meeting new friends in exchange for private rooms in Pensions since he's not good with shared spaces. But I am glad that he has decided to join me as this was on his "bucket list" years ago and I was not willing to go. Now, his age and health preclude him from doing the entire trip with me and we'll enjoy the last part together. So yes, like you, it's good to admit that I'm taking this to shed myself of the daily grind and frustrations that come with a large family with many needs. I don't leave until August 14th so will miss meeting you most likely. Buen Camino
Martha tell your friends and family what you have told us on this forum. "I want to do something for myself" is a great reason. As far as the last 100 miles with your husband, I think by then you will be looking forward to staying in pensions and spending quality time with your man. Buen CaminoColleen...your post really rang my bell! So many people ask "why" when they hear of my plans to walk the Camino. I hesitate to answer truthfully and often give a vague answer void of the real truth that pounds at my head while writing this. I must admit that I'm taking this journey for many reasons but mostly because I want to do something for myself that is not a result of doing for others. Over the years I've become the planner and organizer of our travels. I was thrilled that I was doing this "alone" but now my husband will be joining me for the last 100 km; which means giving up the fun of the albergues for meeting new friends in exchange for private rooms in Pensions since he's not good with shared spaces. But I am glad that he has decided to join me as this was on his "bucket list" years ago and I was not willing to go. Now, his age and health preclude him from doing the entire trip with me and we'll enjoy the last part together. So yes, like you, it's good to admit that I'm taking this to shed myself of the daily grind and frustrations that come with a large family with many needs. I don't leave until August 14th so will miss meeting you most likely. Buen Camino
You nailed it Scruffy. I was glad I started in Le Puy, as I had more time 'alone' at the start- partly because the route was less peopled, and partly because my French needed time to get up to speed. And in my first three weeks this 'floating' of ideas was what happened for me in my mind. All the grief, resentments, lack of belief, family, friends, experiences, hardships, joys... they all popped up as my feet walked. I 'talked' to God, 'yelled' at God.... and in the end there was nothing more to say- it had all been said. And after about six weeks of walking I realised that the most important thing was to be thankful. When my feet hurt I tried to remember to be thankful for the landscape and flowers around me, the people at my side, the growing realisation that I didn't need much 'stuff'... And that lesson had time to seep deeper inside as I walked. It works in me still....and your thoughts come and go on their own - almost meditation in which you cannot actually direct your concentration your interest, images appear and fade, lost memories suddenly surface, long forgotten old friends suddenly pop up into your mind, family now, from the past, and the future, and yes aggrevations disappointments and failures alongside best ever experiences, and a often a reassessment of life, of occupation, of why we do what we do and why we are walking in Spain at all. Glorious.
I have been thinking that this distinction between doing something for yourself and doing something for others is a false one, when it concerns walking the camino de Santiago. When I first felt the call to pilgrimage, I thought that I was going so that God would show me, during the pilgrimage, what I was to do with the rest of my life now that I am retired. Now I see that it is more about becoming the person that God is calling me to be. I do not know how this can or will happen when I am on pilgrimage, except that I shall have to rely on God constantly in ways that I have never had the courage to do before. I shall not have control over much of my daily life. Everything will come as gift. I feel privileged (and terrified) to be called to this, but not selfish.
A wise person once asked me.
If you were in a dark room
And you had the only candle...
Would you share?
Now
I ask everyone...
Would you share?
This is leading to another question
Same here
But what if another came up and needed a part of your candle?
And another
And another?
Would you still break off piecesof your candle?
You were way ahead,of me when the question was posed to meI wasn't thinking of the need to break the candle to share it's light. But to gather around the candle to share the light........
Ah now, Martha. I am going to take my time, I'm the slow one everyone will pass, so you will eventually catch up with me, since you have an agenda with your husband. We hesitate to say we are doing something for ourselves, but WHY? For all the times we did for others, we are allowed to be selfish once. And I have to ask, is it really selfish if, when we walk and become a better person in the world, we are making the world better?
I fell into the trap of helping people and giving my best and all, expecting they would reciprocate in turn, not understanding that people who take constantly have nothing to offer. My Camino will help me center and focus, teach me a new way to pray for strength, and allow me to differentiate between need and greed and permit me to get off the crazy train. Dysfunction Junction you've got gumption.ColleenClark, if I'm remembering correctly you are a very nurturing person to your family and that you have experienced a recent loss. Anybody who is a caregiver needs to take time for themselves. I don't know if this is your case but I found myself at my ropes end while dealing with my father with dementia and helping my 92 year old mother. I think I would have had to start seeing a psychiatrist if I didn't get any help from my sisters. I had to be very clear about what I needed and even become a broken record. I have had to learn not to feel guilty for taking the time to go on this camino.
Oh no! Nothing on the Camino has me fuming (yet). I don't start walking until Aug3. Everything that is on my Camino I bring with me, and although I really don't want to bring anything "bad", we are not perfect, and parts of me need the walk more than other parts. My attitude needs it. My knees don't. My spirit really needs it, it's been drained by taking care of others. My fat behind needs it. I will try not to leave big puddles of regret, meanness, and grouchiness for other Pilgrims to step in, but I am hoping to shed it all as I walk. (watch your step, pal)
That is the hard part
Keeping some for yourself
For the selfless..it is seen as greed,a contempt for the whole
But how do you go on as you are always leaking?
Its ok to. hold some light back
Because it means you can keep on giving,longer and feel better about your self.
Camino is.
I had my own personal reasons,for first taking to my first roads
After giving my best,my all and for naught
There was a vasty emptyness inside.
If i had not kept a tinyest of spark for myself
I wouldnt be here.
The road will always give back
As the miles burn away the vestiges of ego, anger and frustration at/for/of life
You find yourself scoured clean,inside and out
And when you empty the vessel
You beautiful evanecent light bursts forth
The sea inside quiets
The roar of silence is deafened
Love finds its way back
I hope each and every wonderful and wondrous "you's" find the light again
Its not easy
But it is golden and nourishing and fills you brimming.
Colleen, i hope your footsteps grow light and find you in peacefilled roads
Alberta girl
The light will find you
All of you Peregrinos
Each and every one
Be Blessed
Neighbor! Can I borrow a cup of Red Wine?Coleen -
I loved this post. Thank you. I also read a bit closer and discovered that you're somewhat of a neighbor - I'm in the Sandhills of NC.
I agonized before buying my tickets - my dad had been ill over and over, and it felt like I might somehow abandon both my mom and dad (during my future camino) even though I knew that my dad was very supportive of my desire to do a pilgrimage. In the end, I bought the ticket and thought Que Sera Sera. My dad didn't make it until my departure date, sadly, and moments of my camino were dedicated to very recent grief, something you can't measure the weight of as you get your pack ready.
I made him (and me) two different crosses in fences along The Way and cried my heart out - Love and Spirit were right there with me. I also found that quiet walking led to big smiles and hearty laughs in the middle of nowhere, by myself, remembering some beautiful moments with my dad.
The internal burdens have a way of untangling themselves very gracefully in my experience as one walks - far more graceful than I with my blistered gait
Buen Camino!
Neighbor! Can I borrow a cup of Red Wine?
My home is nowhere right now. I sold my house in Alabama to buy an RV and travel, and when my little sister got sick I sold that and grabbed an apartment. When I leave for Camino July 27th I am letting the apartment go, so I will be an old homeless bag lady (it's a designer bag, does that make a difference?) trying to figure out where I want to settle afterwards, or even IF I want to settle.
Oh I hope so! Oh I hope so! When nothing makes sense to me I'm probably not looking, because when I don't look, I can't see.Colleen,
You begin your Camino with your head, it ends in your heart. When you arrive at the Cathedral you will understand. Buen Camino!
I have similar feelings as you, @Martha Jansen. I wanted to go by myself & go with the flow but, having worked overseas in non-family duty stations for the past decade, I know it would be wrong of me to spend more 'me' time on the Camino alone. I also hope my husband will get something out of this pilgrimage & help him empathise more with others & dwell less on material issues. This means not starting at Le Puy as I'd wanted, not even at SJPDP, but probably at Pamplona. It also means using private pensions because he wouldn't accept albergues with shared sleeping quarters & washing areas. It also means delaying the start by six months & going in spring 2016. But I pray that the shared experience will be good for us both....I was thrilled that I was doing this "alone" but now my husband will be joining me for the last 100 km; which means giving up the fun of the albergues for meeting new friends in exchange for private rooms in Pensions since he's not good with shared spaces. But I am glad that he has decided to join me ...
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