Is this an addiction?

[Alexandra44]

Is it an addiction

Last year my husband suddenly decided to walk the Camino de Santiago alone. He made it clear that I was not welcome to join him, although I would have liked to have walked a few stages and then, perhaps, catch a bus.
Since then he has been obsessed with the Camino, making contact through forums with others who have or plan to walk, talking to them on the telephone and even meeting them whenever they come to our city. It is mostly women that he meets and he tells me firmly that I am not welcome.
My questions are: Has anyone else had this happen? Has anyone any suggestions as to why this is happening or what I should do? Am I right to think that it may be about him trying to break free of me?
Perhaps most importantly – has he learned nothing from the experience of making his pilgrimage that he can bring to his every day life to enhance it? Is he, in fact, just obsessed with the experience to the extent that he wishes to re-enact it over and over.
Alexandra44

 

[MichaelB10398]

Alexandra, the Camino may have a very significant impact on one's life. When walking the Camino one's life is stripped to the bear essentials; all the stresses of daily life are left behind. For some, reentry into daily life is difficult and may cause a desire to recapture the freedom one felt when on Camino. Many, many of those who first walk the Camino return to walk it again and again.

It is also often the case that the Camino is a deeply personal pilgrimage that is best walked alone. Doing so allows for personal reflection, meditation, and prayer. However, many couples also walk the Camino together and are successful with maintaining a spiritual nature to their Camino.

In relationships, communication is vital; particularly when there is something so life-changing as the Camino has occurred in one's life. I am not qualified to counsel you, but I would encourage you and your husband to seek the counsel of a qualified individual. If you are religious, talk to your priest or spiritual counselor.

I view the Camino as an opportunity for spiritual renewal. The behavior of your husband is in conflict with what I personally view the function or purpose of the Camino. However, relationships are complex and there are many layers and facets as to why we act the way we do. Be calm, to not presume to understand your husband's actions until after he shares his feelings and explains why he continues to walk alone. Invite him to share his experience with you and let him know how you are feeling when he does not share. I hope this helps and know that you are in our prayers,

 

[Jutta Hytönen]

I walked my first Camino on 2006 from Astorga. After coming back I started to plan walking again and this time from Saint Jean. My hubby commented from the couch:" OMG, this is getting grazier all the time!" . I confess that I must have been acting like I'm obsessed; for months I planned how to get to SJPP, what I want to see on the way to Santiago and studied Spanish from the Internet. I also worked hard to get as much flextime from work as possible to be able to take a long vacation. After last time I was convinced that I want to walk alone but my sister and mother announced that they want to come too and I thought that it might be nice to have someone I know in there anyway. So on May 19 2009 I started from SJPP and arrived to Santiago on June 19. I still think it would be best to go alone. There's so much that's going on in my head during the hike and I want to sort out all that mess in peace. I had some inconveniencies with the food though; I'm a vegetarian and Spanish are carnivore . In most places I was able to get an omelette and that's what I ate for almost 4 weeks...

 

[Rebekah Scott]

Dear Alexandra:
Yes, the camino can be an addiction. Usually it´s a healthy and temporary fixation, but it sounds like your husband has woven it into his midlife crisis!

I´m not a qualified counselor either, but having a PhD doesn´t make a whole lot of difference if you don´t have good sense and compassion. If I were in your position I would not waste time worrying about Hubby´s new bag. Since you are already somewhat interested in hiking, simply begin planning your own camino walk. Do a short bit if you aren´t into long-distance heavy going. Study up in advance, train your body, and do all the necessary preparations... Let your mate know his fascination with the hike is what spurred you to try it for yourself, but that this trip is something you are doing for your OWN benefit. He will, (I hope!) be keenly interested in supporting your enterprise, and offer all kinds of advice, equipment, and support. He may even invite himself to go along! If he´s any kind of man at all he will see the impact his behavior is having on you, and perhaps begin to wonder what impact YOUR camino might make on your relationship!

In any case, you may find yourself bitten by the Camino bug too, hopefully in a manner that is more inclusive of loved ones.

Be well.
Rebekah

 

[MichaelB10398]

I like Reb's edit better.

 

[skilsaw]

Dear Alexandra44,
I hear anguish in your note and sense that it was difficult to write. You are a courageous woman.

Walking the Camino yourself may serve to open communication in your relationship, or it may not.
It can be a life changing experience or it may be just a long walk. One never knows...

The act of pilgrimage has long been seen as a metaphor for life.
If you do walk the Camino I hope that you are able to cry and scream, as well as run, skip and laugh along the way. Most of all, I hope you walk through the pain and fatigue into exhileration, joy, a deep sense of who you are, and awareness of your humanity.

These positive feelings may come along the way, in Santiago, or some weeks or months after you are finished.

Of your husbands experience you ask, "...has he learned nothing from the experience of making his pilgrimage that he can bring to his every day life to enhance it? " Sadly, it would seem not, or that lesson may still be asleep within him.

Follow Rebekah's sage advice, and may you be genuinely enriched as you prepare for and make your Camino.

Ultreia (A pilgrim exhortation, "Onward!")
David, Victoria, Canada

 

[lowasf]

When we become so obsessed with something that it hurts people around us, it is not from God. That is not the intent of the Camino. People choose to do it for many reasons, but most people are looking for answers, escape, hope... something to come from it. If you are also looking on this site, thinking of going because you too are becoming obsessed with his obsession then the cycle will continue. Spouses should not shut eachother out. You need to talk to him honestly about your feelings. If it doesn't help and he continues to push you away, you definitely need to see a counselor. If he won't go, you go. Why? Because you love yourself first. You need to take care of you first. Don't get lost in his world. You are far more important. Copying him by going won't solve this problem. Honest communication is your only way to feel confident again.

 

[skilsaw]

Lowasf is right. Talking honestly to one another is the place to begin.
If that isn't possible then seeing a counselor is the next choice...if not together, then alone. As Lowasf said, "You need to take care of you first."

I get caught up in believing the Camino will show us the way. If you do make your pilgrimage, I hope you do it for yourself, and not out of desperation.

David, Victoria, Canada

 

[Priscillian]

Dear Alexandra,
As a Pilgrim and practising psychotherapist I can tell you that the Camino certainly can draw people back year after year. I am one of them. But an "addiction": no.
Sometimes, however, we internalise experiences which are precious to us and believe that no-one else could possibly understand if they haven't had the same experience. Perhaps we might believe that others share the "same" experiences wheras that is of course impossible.

I would suggest that you look further back than your husband's determination to keep you out of the "Camino Family" and examine what his state of mind was BEFORE he made his decision to walk the Camino. What were his reasons? Were they religious, "spiritual", a desire to be alone to contemplate what life had brought him so far and what it held in store for him in the future? Has there been a death of a close family member or old friend? Was your marriage a happy one before? How long before? What strengthened it? What weakened it and when? How long have you been married? Together? You don't say how old your husband is. Do you have children? Would you consider yourself a happy person? Is he working? Does he like his job? Are there perhaps financial burdens which may contribute to him wanting to be "free"?

When I think about my pilgrimages, the people I met, the pleasures and the hardships, perhaps most of all that first sight of the cathedral after so long, I often find that I have tears in my eyes. But they are tears of joy not of longing for something which, though in some ways may be life in microcosm, is not "real". The Camino is life lived. Simply. There is one direction: forward. There are few decisions to be made. There are even fewer physical burdens to carry: though many of us do carry emotional ones. Perhaps that is the problem for your husband: he hadn't confronted his emotional weights enough to have eliminated them by the time he got to Santiago.

I think I can speak for all of us when I say that "re-entry" is hard. It is a little like being depressed after something is taken from your life. But like depression, it is reactive and sooner or later, we get on with our lives, hopefully stronger and more confident people, more insightful, "kinder" than we were before. Your husband's obsession (and this is what it is not an addiction) is a symptom of something missing in his life and I would strongly recommend that you seek couple counselling as soon as you can. Perhaps some time in the future you will both be able to enjoy each others' company on the Camino. It can be hard sometimes, but not as hard as what you are currently going through.

I am so glad you had the courage to post here and I hope your husband will read the comments of those here who have found strength and company together, but who also know enough about the "Magic" of the Camino to know that it is to be shared with others we love.
Tracy Saunders, M. Phil, M.A. Psych, D. Hyp
http://www.headstartcentres.org

 

[Alexandra44]

THANK YOU EVERYONE

I thank everyone who replied with so much insight and kindly advice. Alexandra44

 

[crackmrmac]

Is this an, what did you say?..........probably!

Ultreia / Buen Camino.