I had NO idea…

[NJoisygirl]

… My Camino would start even before I laid foot on Spanish soil.
I have known about the Camino Santiago de Compostela since I was small, I just always thought/assumed it was out of my reach. Four to five years ago a series of events began that pushed me back towards considering making this pilgrimage.
When I told my husband I needed to DO THIS he immediately told me he wanted to go as well. I was happy he wanted to go. Lately it is becoming evident to me he has NO idea what he is getting himself into. I think he thinks our Camino will be just like the movie, The Way.
Over the past few years I have told him how far things are, how crowded the albergues are; how hot, wet and cold a day walking can be. I have bought books, asked them to read them, left them on his bedside table, then moved them to the bathroom when they went untouched there. When I recently talked about the first stage out of SJPdP over Napoleon’s Way, he seemed stunned that it was 29k. I was shocked! Then mad… did he not listen to one word I said over the years… did he not read ONE word…watch one YouTube link I sent him, join me in any significant time to train?
So I inwardly sulked. I’ve walked almost every morning and evening over the past four years, skipped lunch to save money for our Camino Fund… I could go on and on. Did he not see how much this meant to me? It became very obvious to me that I will not be walking the Camino that I have dreamed and anticipated I would walk. I will most likely not even finish it… my one chance was being ruined (severely compromised) by my husband. I was feeling quite sorry for myself.
A conversation I had with my daughter is helping me snap back into reality… Maybe this IS a “Camino Lesson” for me. Maybe this is not MY Camino, but me being on my husband’s Camino or, better yet, it is US making OUR Camino together. Looking back, I had given him every opportunity to back out of this journey and he insisted he wanted to go… he does seem to be excited about going. Maybe my Camino will come at another time, maybe it will not. Maybe I am just supposed to have a nice, unwinding time walking through the beautiful Spanish countryside at HIS pace and who is to say what is the finish line?
I am an imperfect person, and I am still a bit sad with the reality of the shift in my Camino dream. But I do feel better beginning to view things through a different perspective. Things will be fine and I think it is just the beginning of what I am to learn about myself and my husband.
Please forgive rant, I am not as shallow as re-reading this post makes me seem.
My question is how have others managed to blend two (or more) Camino visions?

 

[Kiwi-family]

There is only one thing that sometimes bothers me about this forum and that is the "it is your camino" mantra. It bothers me about our whole society, this sense of entitlement and narcissistic self-focus.
I believe that as you learn to walk WITH your husband, you will have a richer experience.
I speak from experience. We walked last year. We being me (the one who wanted to do it), my husband (who prepared exactly the same amount as yours has), our children (eight of them from 6 to 18 years) and my father-in-law who was 80. Obviously there had to be give and take. There was only one day that I felt we walked a decent distance, but I would not have had it any other way. I could always have walked faster, but I was not there for me alone. I was there for *us* and those we could serve along the way.
The key is to allow the weakest member on any given day to set the pace and distance. We didn't always stay together throughout the day, but had an agreement that after an hour of walking we would all catch up - after a few days we realised the last person to arrive at the rest stop needed to be the one to decide how long the rest should last (otherwise they would get no rest as those who had arrived first would be ready to take off again when the straggler turned up). If you keep your focus off yourself and on both the other person and others outside of your group, you will be rewarded.
My biggest suggestion would be something you seem to already be doing - instead of allowing a seed of bitterness to grow, find things to give thanks for. List everything you can think of and keep thinking about those things and looking for more - your husband's enthusiasm, his insistence that he wants to come, your ability to take time to train, the books and videos you have learnt from, a sensitive daughter, the opportunity, the realisation that sulking was harming you, your own enthusiasm.......

 

[Deleted member 3000]

Expectations have destroyed many caminos. I think you need to accept your reality. Kiwi-family is right when describing how she felt they had only walked a decent day once, yet still had a great time. Your expectations are already making you miserable. Why would you expect it to be any different when you are walking?

I have walked quite a few times with my brother, who is faster than I. Walking together means in lock step or being as much as three days apart. In an emergency that is only a 50E taxi ride. Is it possible to discuss with your husband in advance what you can do if your capabilities turn out to be quite different? You should not assume that the only course of action is for you to hang back. To me that would be rather a rigid position on his part. If you are both inflexible in your attitudes, I cannot visualize this working out well!

Won't it be better to discuss the problem now when there is a lot less pressure than when you are on the camino and completely exhausted and stressed? Discuss it you will, I think. The question is when, where, and with what attitude. Good luck.

 

[Alexster66]

Great expression of views Rachel and Falcon.
Walking with 10 plus takes a lot of understanding and compassion for others. I remember years ago there was 10 of my family travelling Europe for 3 months and the times when even a couple of us became rigid the day became chaos. When we worked together with all our personalities the laughter and fun was endless.
It sounds like you are realising that going with someone is compromise and patience, maybe that's why so many travel the Camino alone. For me I often feel like I need some solitude and it can be desperately hard to find in my world. In saying that if I could afford it I would take my 26 year old son as he would be someone I know who would gain from such an experience, maybe he will one day.
As Falcon said do discuss what's on your mind with him prior to going.
Alex

 

[PMSLAW]

Expectations have destroyed many caminos. I think you need to accept your reality.

NJoiseygirl, there is much wisdom in what Kiwi and Falcon say. Unmet "expectations" were a struggle and a learning experience for me:
A Parable of Expectations and Disappointment, on The Camino.
Somewhere on the Camino, the year 1013, a weary and travel worn Perigrino surrenders the burro which he has ridden into town to a shopkeeper. The Pilgrim then slowly hobbles across the village square, entering the imposing cut granite Romanesque church that is the axis of the community. Confessions are being heard. Our Perigrino, adorned in his tatters, enters the confessional booth, and begins to recite the prescribed formula:
Perigrino: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been one day since my last confession (Confession was a lot more popular in the 11th Century) and these are my sins. I have had impure thoughts, and I have broken my vow to the Blessed Virgin and St. James.
Priest: The breaking of a vow is a serious matter, can you tell me more?
Perigrino: Father, I am a Pilgrim on the Camino. I made a vow to Our Lady and St. James that I would walk the entire Journey assisted only by my own two feet. Earlier today I stumbled upon a rock and found that I was unable to continue. A farmer, taking pity upon me, gave me the use of a burro, upon which I traveled this day, and now have surrendered to the farmer's brother, a shopkeeper on the square.
Priest: My son, your sin is not the breaking of a vow, but in possessing such arrogance as to presume to tell our Lord what your Camino should be. God in his infinite knowledge and Mercy, provided you with a burro to continue your journey, but your disappointment, fathered by your expectations, has no appreciation for God's Grace.... A serious sin, indeed.
Perigrino: For my sin I am heartily sorry Padre, and I willingly embrace your penance.
Priest: My son, for your penance you shall go to the river, and divesting yourself of your robes, you will bath and clean yourself of all expectations for your Camino.
Perigrino: Please excuse me Padre, but is it not more common to just require that I recite 3 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys? Besides I have already bathed this year.
Priest: So my Peligrino, do you now also impose your expectations upon the penances which I give?!? By the way, I almost forgot, what were the impure thoughts?
Perigrino: Uhh, well, I don't really know. I have always given 2 sins, and since my parents are both dead I can no longer use "disobedience".
Priest: I see. Well, for the impure thoughts you could have had, you get your 3 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys... And after you bathe, wash your clothes and line your cod-piece with fresh herbs. I think your odor is delaying the Second Coming.
The Pilgrim was true to his word. He recited 3 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys, bathed, and washed his clothes. Unfortunately, some habits are not easily changed. As the Perigrino was searching for fresh herbs to line his cod-piece, he could be heard to declare, "I swear by the Blessed Mother and St. James that I will complete the rest of my Camino without further interruption!" Soon thereafter the Pilgrim chose a three leafed vine like plant to line his cod-piece.
Peter Schloss

 

[Pieces]

maybe this is not you being your husbands Camino, but him being yours...

 

[julie]

Oh how I wished my husband had wanted to walk the Camino with me but he was adamantly disinterested though quite happy for me to go. It was with a great deal of trepidation that I set off alone to undertake a journey that, for some unknown reason, was calling me. Along the way, I realised that I was meant to be alone.

Initially I scoffed when I read of the "magic" of the Camino but I became a believer in it. One of the magical things about it is that we are presented with just the situations that we need to learn from. One of the lessons I had to learn was to be comfortable in solitude. It seems that you need to be with your husband in order to learn at least some of your pilgrim lessons.

At some stage, one or both of you is bound to want to be alone just to have a chance to reflect. Talk about this before you go and give each other permission so that there is no sense of rejection if/when that happens.

 

[piogaw]

hello njoisygirl,

many pilgrims have walked, will be walking the camino. i do not know whether your husband is unable or unwilling to walk the camino de santiago. if he is physically able, you could compromise by walking alone in the initial stages and then having your husband meet you at later stages, maybe from sarria. this way you will still be able to enjoy the camino. but please have a discussion and agreement with him before setting out your camino. remember, this will be your camino together, so no expectations. we all do the caminos for different reasons, and you and hopefully, your husband , will learn to enjoy the camino.

don't give the opportunity to walk the camino.

good luck and god bless.

 

[Deleted member 12253]

… My Camino would start even before I laid foot on Spanish soil.
I have known about the Camino Santiago de Compostela since I was small, I just always thought/assumed it was out of my reach. Four to five years ago a series of events began that pushed me back towards considering making this pilgrimage.
When I told my husband I needed to DO THIS he immediately told me he wanted to go as well. I was happy he wanted to go. Lately it is becoming evident to me he has NO idea what he is getting himself into. I think he thinks our Camino will be just like the movie, The Way.
Over the past few years I have told him how far things are, how crowded the albergues are; how hot, wet and cold a day walking can be. I have bought books, asked them to read them, left them on his bedside table, then moved them to the bathroom when they went untouched there. When I recently talked about the first stage out of SJPdP over Napoleon’s Way, he seemed stunned that it was 29k. I was shocked! Then mad… did he not listen to one word I said over the years… did he not read ONE word…watch one YouTube link I sent him, join me in any significant time to train?
So I inwardly sulked. I’ve walked almost every morning and evening over the past four years, skipped lunch to save money for our Camino Fund… I could go on and on. Did he not see how much this meant to me? It became very obvious to me that I will not be walking the Camino that I have dreamed and anticipated I would walk. I will most likely not even finish it… my one chance was being ruined (severely compromised) by my husband. I was feeling quite sorry for myself.
A conversation I had with my daughter is helping me snap back into reality… Maybe this IS a “Camino Lesson” for me. Maybe this is not MY Camino, but me being on my husband’s Camino or, better yet, it is US making OUR Camino together. Looking back, I had given him every opportunity to back out of this journey and he insisted he wanted to go… he does seem to be excited about going. Maybe my Camino will come at another time, maybe it will not. Maybe I am just supposed to have a nice, unwinding time walking through the beautiful Spanish countryside at HIS pace and who is to say what is the finish line?
I am an imperfect person, and I am still a bit sad with the reality of the shift in my Camino dream. But I do feel better beginning to view things through a different perspective. Things will be fine and I think it is just the beginning of what I am to learn about myself and my husband.
Please forgive rant, I am not as shallow as re-reading this post makes me seem.
My question is how have others managed to blend two (or more) Camino visions?

I think you should walk the camino on your own, it's your camino and like life you get one chance, Buen camino

 

[hecate105]

Aah, yes, I read about, thought about and yearned to go on pilgrimage for more than 20 years. My husband was fairly disinterested mostly because of the religious aspect. We had seen pilgrims toiling along when driving in Spain and he thought they were mad, I envied them! I had a disability and tried to get him to go - by donkey/mule, by disability scooter, with a handcart - he steadfastly refused. Then things improved with my health to the point where I could cycle. We did some weekend trips and a week in Cornwall (with our dog) and I told him that we could just go and do the Camino. He argued that cycling along the Mediterranean coast would be far warmer/better/prettier. But in the end he agreed. I would not of gone without him - we are together because we love to share our lives, we just have to have long marital discussions (some of which go on for 20 years - like this one!)
The upshot was a 3000 mile cycle pilgrimage across Europe, which took 4 months one summer and two months the next to complete. We argued, shouted and bickered, - we laughed, we talked, we sang. It was like another life within a life, we went through the whole range of human emotions, we had to face so many situations, good and bad - together. Yes, he would shrug and sigh when I insisted on visiting yet another church/sacred site/museum, and I would wanly say 'Goody' at having to watch yet another endless football match in a bar.
It was an awesome experience, one that has deepened our relationship and made us better human beings.
Best of all - my husband loved it! He is more than happy to go again - Via de plata maybe...
So go for it, accept you have different agendas but agree to share the journey and be kind to each other. There is room for both approaches, and you will both get your corners knocked off by the road anyway. I would love to hear how you got on - perhaps we should have a 'how Caminos effect marriage' strand....

 

[Tia Valeria]

Walking together as a (married) couple is vey special, we hope to walk again next year to celebrate 45 years of marriage. Walking the Camino for the first time together was an amazing experience. However some folk don't find it easy, maybe because of differing expectations and abilities which they have not thought to discuss beforehand. Reading the Walking with a Companion thread could be helpful. Those who say' walk alone' are, I believe, missing the joint experiences gained by walking together.

 

[Tincatinker]

The beloved gave me the freedom to walk The Frances, and therefore be apart from her for the longest time since we met. It was a challenge for both of us but I walked, and she didn't, and we were united, briefly in Bierzo, and thoroughly at the end. Since that journey we have walked Santiago to Muxia and Fisterra together and will soon walk the Ingles and further we hope.
I remember that she was disturbed, even threatened, by my desire to walk but I walked. And we have walked, and we will walk.
The beloved does not "hear" me when I speak in praise of baked meats, tracklements that pierce the tongue, or wines from valleys lost in time. But, in our now she listens to vague ramblings of "other routes". There are more ways from Oviedo than are plotted in guide books.

Buen Caminos, for may you have many

 

[Kiwi-family]

So go for it, accept you have different agendas but agree to share the journey and be kind to each other. There is room for both approaches, and you will both get your corners knocked off by the road anyway.

This has got to the the BEST advice - sage, liberating, encompassing, honest.

 

[NJoisygirl]

Thank you for the replies and advice.

A little clarification… I am VERY happy my husband wanted to, and is walking the Camino with me… there is no one in the world I would rather do make this journey with!

Upon writing my first post in this thread, I had every intention to have a heart-to-heart talk with my husband. But before I spoke with him, I decided to post my entry - as I was hoping that I would glean some wisdom/ideas of how other forum members who had gone before me and perhaps encountered a similar stumbling block; blended their Camino dreams with that of a partner(s). Anyhoo… I have had my conversation my husband and (God bless him) he had already thought out what he would do if he could not keep up. His plan is to take a bus from town to town if he needed to & he would wait for me at the next town… I hope that is possible, we shall see.

My main reason for posting in the first place, and what I guess I failed to relay, is that I wanted to share how my "Camino Lessons" started coming to me even before I started my pilgrimage. How I was plowing through the organization of this with MY vision in mind. My epiphany that I was not on the same page with my husband DID shock me at first, but I did grow from the revelation. It made me appreciate how much I wanted to do this WITH my husband and broadened my outlook.

I knew that this journey would bring about personal growth… I just didn’t expect it delivered before I thought I started. But don’t we all start this journey when we first mentally toy with the idea of going through with it?

Thank you for the kind posts… thank you also for those who instant messaged me with the kind words. It is not long before we leave and I am sure I will receive the gift of many more "Camino Lessons"! LOL! Wish us both luck!

 

[Lydia Gillen]

Like Kiwi family I too have some unease with the expression "it is your Camino" and also it is "my Camino".
I find it difficult to verbalise exactly what that unease is.
I feel a similar unease when someone in church complains of communial singing because they cannot say "their own prayers"

If one chooses to walk a pilgrim route that is crowded with others walking the same route it seems to me that one should be prepared accommodate oneself to the 'common good'.

If one wants to walk one's "own Camino" maybe one would be best choosing a lonely route.

But if one wants to avail of all the facilities that one finds on a well traversed route then one has to be prepared to accepts the shortcomings that having crowds around entails.

I accept this is a little off the original post, but it is the expression " it is your Camino"