To walk or not to walk....

[tammi]

I have a question that I have searched high and low for words of wisdom from anyone that has taken this journey under similar circumstances. I have not found any. So....(sorry, here comes the necessary background knowledge.)
This past year I have nearly lost my son to heroin addiction. He is currently clean, and God willing will stay that way! Then, this summer I lost my mother, my hero, to cancer. I have been separated for the past two years from my husband of ten years, although it has remained an on-again-off-again relationship. We live apart, and have many 'issues' that may or may not be able to be worked out. However, during the later stages of my mothers illness, my husband truly stepped up and was my rock...on again...
One of the things that had been our greatest common denominator was our love of the outdoors and simply experiencing life in all it's many assets...walking the Camino being one of many of our 'bucket list' items.
As I am sure is the case with many people with so many life changing experiences going on, I have recently put this on the short term 'to do' list, I need to get away from life, back to basics, and figure out what is going on in my head and my life. I'm hoping for May/June of 2015.
My question is this...
With so much uncertainty would it be a recipe for disaster for us to even consider going together? I would love to think this could be a perfect marriage encounter, (we are very much in love, we just have so much 'history'). But, on the flip side, needing peace of mind more than anything else, I can't help but to wonder if it is better for me to go 'alone'?! Any advice on "What the Camino Can and Can't Do for a Marriage" ?

 

[Al the optimist]

The Camino can only give what you choose to take from it. What it can and often does do is to help people let go of their past, of the things that they have not come to terms with and enabling them to accept the past, it's events and themselves. Many find they can forgive themselves and others for what has happened and so move forward with a greater tolerance for themselves and others, to recognise others needs and reconcile them with their own. The Camino is not a "magic pill" but a doorway to yourself. Open it, go forward and enjoy life. I met and fell in love with someone on the Camino. I know that apart from those good, wise, considerate people here on the forum she is the only one I can talk to who understands how I feel about the Camino, it's life, how it has changed me, and how much I need a regular injection of it. So I know I haven't answered your question. I haven't walked it in your circumstances, others will have experiences to share. So my thoughts. It rather depends on where you live and how easy/expensive it is to get to the Camino and whether it is important for you to "do it in one". You could consider having a "taster" each. Maybe you could think of travelling together with some "ground rules". How about travelling to the Camino together but spending the first few days apart while you both find yourselves? Then meet up? Whatever you decide I wish you both all the best and pray that you make the right decision. Enjoy the planning together even if only you go. Buen Camino

 

[lettinggo]

Allan gives very good advices in my opinion.
After reading your words a few times this comes into my mind;
the last year has been challenging and emotional for you, but there are good developments of your son becoming drug free and your husband prioritized to be at your side when your mother became ill, and you needed him.
This is indeed very important and should give hope for your future, in whatever direction it may lead.
Your family are changing and so are you, and to have experiences, together or individual, such as the camino, can be a point for a new direction.
You write that you feel the need to have a break from your daily life, to contemplate over what is going on so you become stronger, and that you hope for leaving summer next year.
I think you should take actions now and consult a therapist to start sorting things out as soon as possible.
If your family feel they can participate, then involve them in the process.
To wait a year is to long and to many expectations or hopes about the camino can be the effect.
Many people have walked the camino due to personal crisis, I am one of them, and it can undoubtable be a life changing experience.
But how I read your current situation, I think that you are in need of immediately counseling and that the planning of a camino can be part of it.
As you and your husband likes outdoor life, you could plan a walk and train for it.
This would give you a common goal as well as time for talk and being together.
Whether you next year go together or things have changed, time will tell.
As Allan suggest, you could also find alternative solution to walk it separate and later join together, or yet some other plan.
There is not a certain way the camino must be walked.
I hope your situation will change for the better and that the advices this forum will offer you, will create clarity and renewed spirit.
One day at the time.
Lettinggo

 

[tammi]

Thank you for the wonderful insight. A lot to ponder...I know the camino is not a 'magic pill', if it were I would have made my pilgrimage long ago. I do feel the time for reflection and meditation is just what the Dr. ordered....what is not clear in my mind yet is...for me? or for us? I am seeing a counselor, and have support of my family. My goal of walking in 2015 has given me something positive to focus on...it's been quite therapeutic already! Thank you again for your thoughts and advice.

 

[Kitsambler]

My goal of walking in 2015 has given me something positive to focus on...it's been quite therapeutic already!

Being a "both/and" rather than an "either/or" type myself, I can suggest combining some alone time as well as partnered time for your journey. Maybe the first half (2-3 weeks) alone, then meeting up mid-way to continue together?

 

[Phillypilgrim]

Going together can be good for some marriages.
Going alone can be good for some marriages.

 

[jmcarp]

[QUOTE="Al the optimist, post: 233900, member: 18869"...The Camino is not a "magic pill" but a doorway to yourself. Open it, go forward and enjoy life....[/QUOTE]
There's a lot of wise advice in this thread. I agree that the Camino could be a time of great healing in your relationship; however, I personally don't think that walking totally separately for 2 or 3 weeks would be as helpful as walking for 2 or 3 days, then spending a day or so together to share and discuss what's been going on in your mind and your heart for the previous 2 or 3 days. That way you can keep the pertinent thoughts fresh in your mind for sharing. If that doesn't work out you can extend the "alone" times. And if the whole idea turns out to be not as helpful as you expect, then you both can complete the Camino on your own. But none of this will work if you don't both buy into it 100% before you start. And remember, once you get home, you'll likely be facing the same external impediments to your relationship as before -- except that the Camino experience may instill in you a sense of what can be. Buen Camino!

 

[amorfati1]

Hi Tammi - perhaps realizing that the Camino is not a recipe for 'solving problems' would be a good start. One encounters lots of magic and so called miracles perhaps, but it can't be expected to be a 'miracle cure/pill'. A swiss psychologist who i greatly admire once stated “The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown.”
So perhaps, while on the camino, solo or with company, you find yourself growing in ways that will have you feel alright with whatever is ... your husband, your loss, etc. Adjusting to all this takes time ... and we all have 'histories' - it's what we choose to make with those histories that gives the flavour of our life.
Find out at home if you have a 'matching' walking speed/style .. and base your decisions on that to start with. Then You can begin the day together and meet up in the afternoon again if you are not on the same wavelength - and are walking together in that way without being glued together at the hips.
You both love the outdoors -- and there's plenty of outdoors on the camino's ...
it might awaken other shared values as well ... history or no history ... best wishes for preparing and planing the camino. it is really a powerful intent and focus to have !

 

[JohnMcM]

My question is this...
With so much uncertainty would it be a recipe for disaster for us to even consider going

Deep, deep down tammi, I wonder if you already know the answer to that. Whatever you decide, I wish you from the very bottom of my heart, peace of mind, happiness and a clear path for you to follow.

Buen Camino my dear lady, Buen Camino.

 

[vgen5122]

I have a question that I have searched high and low for words of wisdom from anyone that has taken this journey under similar circumstances. I have not found any. So....(sorry, here comes the necessary background knowledge.)
This past year I have nearly lost my son to heroin addiction. He is currently clean, and God willing will stay that way! Then, this summer I lost my mother, my hero, to cancer. I have been separated for the past two years from my husband of ten years, although it has remained an on-again-off-again relationship. We live apart, and have many 'issues' that may or may not be able to be worked out. However, during the later stages of my mothers illness, my husband truly stepped up and was my rock...on again...
One of the things that had been our greatest common denominator was our love of the outdoors and simply experiencing life in all it's many assets...walking the Camino being one of many of our 'bucket list' items.
As I am sure is the case with many people with so many life changing experiences going on, I have recently put this on the short term 'to do' list, I need to get away from life, back to basics, and figure out what is going on in my head and my life. I'm hoping for May/June of 2015.
My question is this...
With so much uncertainty would it be a recipe for disaster for us to even consider going together? I would love to think this could be a perfect marriage encounter, (we are very much in love, we just have so much 'history'). But, on the flip side, needing peace of mind more than anything else, I can't help but to wonder if it is better for me to go 'alone'?! Any advice on "What the Camino Can and Can't Do for a Marriage" ?

Your story has just described the best reason to walk the Camino. For one the Camino will give you the answers you are seeking or lead to a resolution. Just pick up your shoes and go.

 

[indyinmaine]

There is truly only your answer. And even more certain, you won't discover it until you're walking and the Camino reveals it to you, whether you're doing it together or alone.

 

[pilgrim b]

You can begin the day together and meet up in the afternoon again if you are not on the same wavelength - and are walking together in that way without being glued together at the hips.
You both love the outdoors -- and there's plenty of outdoors on the camino's ...
it might awaken other shared values as well ... history or no history ... best wishes for preparing and planing the camino. it is really a powerful intent and focus to have !

Hello Tammi, my wife and me walked the camino twice on both occasions we did more or less what amorfati1 suggests above. On the first occasion we both walked open minded without expectation and learned about ourselves. On the second occasion, again open minded without any expectation we learned about our lives together and just how much we valued each other.
Whatever you decide to do, alone or together, IMHO go open minded without any expectation and the camino could show you or both many things about yourselves and your needs.
Buen Camino pilgrim friends and many blessings to you all.

 

[obinjatoo@yahoo.com]

I read this to my roomie. Both of us in recovery. Almost in unison,there was a resounding, "Walk it yourself baby!"
Good luck...

 

[tammi]

Wow...first, I must say if this forum represents what awaits on the camino, I already see why the many posts I have read express how your camino family will take care of you. Thank you all for your genuine replies and suggestions. I DO know this will be what I make of it, and it is not going to 'fix' anything in the real world. My only "expectations" (with OR without my husband) are meeting fascinating people from all walks of life, becoming fully in tune with needs vs. wants, time to contemplate what is TRULY important to me, spending time with nature in a beautiful and fascinating country, and sore feet! That said...I THINK I'm going into it with the right approach! Thank you again, and Buen Camino.

 

[gml]

I would go it alone. You say that you need peace of mind more than anything else. If you go with your husband, hoping for that perfect "marriage encounter," chances are that you will have no peace of mind unless that hoped-for harmony is achieved. Even if that perfect encounter does come about and you gain peace of mind as a result, that peace will be a fragile one, dependent on your relationship, rather than a strong and secure peace emanating from the center of your own being. Only in walking alone will you have the simplicity, clarity, and emotional and psychological space that you need to "figure out what is going on in [your] head" and, importantly, to begin to come to terms with the huge personal loss that you have just experienced. Being alone will also make you more open to exchanges with other pilgrims/walkers who have stories and struggles of their own to share and work through. Be kind to yourself. Go with no expectations and nothing that you feel pressed to achieve, and let the open sky and the meditative rhythm of the road lead you where it will. You can always return and walk the camino again at a future time with your husband.

 

[natefaith]

Tammi, thanks for sharing your heart with us! So sorry for all the heartache you've been going through these past few years, and I'm glad things are going better these days. One clarifying question: does your husband want to do the Camino as well, now? I think if both you and he are focused first on being pilgrims yourselves, instead of walking it in the hopes of it being a marriage healer - even though the Camino *could* continue that for you guys - it could be a good thing to walk it together. In other words, if the Camino is beckoning and summoning each of you (as in, would you do it even if your husband wasn't doing it? I think the answer there is yes. And - would your husband also do it, even if you weren't doing it?), then it might not be a bad idea to make plans together, travel over together, and take the Camino as it comes for each of you. But if, for either of you, healing your marriage is the first priority in walking the Camino together - you might be disappointed. In that case it might be better for you to do it alone, so you can really embrace your pilgrim identity and your own pilgrimage.