Married, spouse can't commit time...help!

[skiingEngineer]

Hi!

I am planning to walk later this year or early summer next year (2015) by taking the camino Frances route. I am able to take enough time off from work to complete the walk, but my wife cannot commit the same amount of time to complete the entire journey from SJPP to Santiago. I suggested meeting me along the route and completing the last 100-200km in order to take part in the trip and not be left to the daily grind at home alone for 36+ days while I walk.

Would it be wrong to walk the camino Frances without her if she cannot attend? I don't want her to resent me taking the trip nor feel that I am trying to plan a trip that purposefully doesn't include her. She always suggests I wait to complete the hike until much later in the future. Is she trying to say she doesn't want me to go without saying it outright?

Of course, I will miss her very much if I take the trip!

Any advice for handling and/or approaching this situation will be appreciated

Thank you and buen camino!

skiingEngineer

 

[mralisn]

Uh-oh. I'm afraid to answer. Not wanting to cause any trouble. Please, I mean no disrespect.

Not knowing you nor your wife, how to answer?

I talk with my dad about such things. I ask why he will not do things despite my mom telling him it is ok. His response, "What she says and what she means are two much different things. I have learned over the years to know exactly what she means."

Pff...if it were me, I would go in a heartbeat. Why wait for later?

Then again, I'm habitually single.

Good luck.

 

[skiingEngineer]

Uh-oh. I'm afraid to answer. Not wanting to cause any trouble. Please, I mean no disrespect.

Not knowing you nor your wife, how to answer?

I talk with my dad about such things. I ask why he will not do things despite my mom telling him it is ok. His response, "What she says and what she means are two much different things. I have learned over the years to know exactly what she means."

Pff...if it were me, I would go in a heartbeat. Why wait for later?

Then again, I'm habitually single.



Good luck.

Thanks for your take on the situation, mralisn! Much appreciated.

 

[tyrrek]

Mralisn is a wise man, and I agree with him. You know your wife better than anyone and even you are a bit worried. Enough said. Even if you enjoyed walking the Camino on your own (which would be no reflection on your wife at all, by the way) you might have concerns in your mind all the time, or feel that you're doing more harm than good.

How about looking at a short option yourself so you're not away for so long, or can do it with your wife? You could either start from SJPP and do the first week or so, or do another Camino elsewhere. You might find that she's then happy for you to go off on your own to do a longer pilgrimage later.

I feel that with careful management the Camino could become a shared interest between you, as well as offering the usual benefits of pilgrimage to you both. It's not going anywhere, so take your time. Buen Camino!

 

[Thepainter]

Hi skiingEngineer,
I agree with what the others have said before me about your dilemma. Not easy to comment from the outside on what is a wise decision.
Just wanted to add my thoughts: why do you feel you want to walk the Camino? What is your aim? (Besides arriving in Santiago in one piece ). Can it be that you have a personal desire, lingering inside you, which may be benefitting your own spirit? There must be something, otherwise you wouldn't ask this question on te forum but just wait untill your wife has time as well.
But hey, I'm the one who's leaving alone, leaving my partner behind! Just following my own heartfelt wish, which some might consider egoistic. I want /need to go alone.
Good luck with your decision, seems like your journey allready started...
Buen Camino!

carla

 

[Julescan]

Well said Carla...

 

[weekjchammings]

Hello skiingEngineer,

Never put off what you want to do today, because if you if you really enjoy it, you can do it again tomorrow and the next day..........................................

This is something you must sell to her or even Engineer yourself................the song by Rush may he the answer..............

Handle with kid gloves
Handle with kid gloves
Then you learn the weapons
And the ways of hard knock school
Put on your kid gloves
Put on your kid gloves
Then you learn the lesson
That it's tough to be so cool

Decisions like these are a real test in ones marriage, you should be discussing this fully with your wife not with this forum which maybe full of Camino oficianados but not full of marriage guidance experts.

 

[Tia Valeria]

When I could not walk with my other half I felt it right for him to go alone, and went to meet him in Santiago. It was right for us at the time.
Since then we have walked together, which is right for us now.
If either of us had had any reservations about that first time then he would not have gone but waited until we both could go, or taken a shorter time and shorter Camino.
You can only do what is right for you both. (My opinion but I think that is what you are asking for )

 

[Kiwi-family]

Just my experience: we did not have time to do the whole thing due to my husband's work commitments, so we chose a short portion (Astorga to Santiago). That was September 2012.
This time last year I asked how he would feel if I went and walked 1,000km. I leave in just over a week! Two of my kids will come with me. A couple of weeks later hubby will bring up two more and walk with us for two weeks, then return to work. I will continue for another two months with all four kids.
You never know what might happen if you go on a short trip together! I would never have picked this for me!! I think it probably helps for the other to see what you'll be experiencing, to understand you'll be safe, to maybe even find they enjoy it too.

 

[Al the optimist]

Some sound observations and advice above. By asking the question you are expressing reservations about the wisdom of walking without her for an extended time. Marriage first, self second? The short piece together is a good option. Maybe the Ingles so that with you both completing a camino and getting compostelas will provide the encouraging mementos? Good luck with your decision.

 

[koknesis]

may be I got it wrong, but pilgrimage is not holidays for two. together with my wife we have enjoyed many alpine hikes, but when several months ago I asked whether she would not mind if I go, the reply was: "do you really need this?". and then "I hope you will come back as better man than you are now leaving". we both hope.

 

[Kiwi-family]

may be I got it wrong, but pilgrimage is not holidays for two. together with my wife we have enjoyed many alpine hikes, but when several months ago I asked whether she would not mind if I go, the reply was: "do you really need this?". and then "I hope you will come back as better man than you are now leaving". we both hope.

I don't think you've got it wrong, but you are expressing only one view of pilgrimage. While there are reasons for walking solo there can also be good reasons to go together - we went as three generations from one family and the shared memories are very special.
Solo is one way, together is another, and no less valid.
It can be a very valuable exercise to look at all the options - and of course to engage other affected parties in the discussion.

I

 

[indyinmaine]

I think it's been said in different ways above. Walking the Camino with your wife would be completely different from walking it without her. And your purposes would also be different. My wife joined me for the last 120k and I told people afterward I was lucky in that I got to walk two Caminos. If you really want to walk with her, wait. But if she says it's OK to do it alone, you've been given a gift.
Buen Camino!

 

[Kanga]

I've been on the Camino alone and also with my partner and separately my daughter. I don't feel it made any difference to the "pilgrimage" aspect of my walks having a companion or not. Even when you are travelling with someone you often walk separately for many hours, and there is plenty of time for meditation, if that's what you want. Walking solo you often team up with others anyway.

 

[Tincatinker]

skiingEngineer, I walked the Camino the first time alone. Having left the Beloved at home. The longest time we had been separated in more than 30 years together. We both had concerns and we talked together about them, thoroughly, like you do, until we were both as content as we could acheive. My wife knew how much I wanted to walk the Frances, I had talked about it for years and then, finally retired from work, had the opportunity. She came out to meet me in Villafranca de Bierzo (we have a certain fondness for good wine) and we had a few days together before she returned to home and I continued to Santiago.

We have since walked together on the Santiago - Muxia -Fisterra loop and on the Ingles. I will walk alone on the Salvador - Primitivo route this spring. She loves the Caminos as much as me but work and other commitments constrain her.

I have described our situation and resolution but I am certain, had the Beloved not wished me to walk then I would not have walked. Had she not wished me to walk without her I would not have walked without her. But that is our relationship, not yours. All I can say is talk to each other and keep talking until you come to a resolution that you are both truly content with.

 

[skiingEngineer]

Thank you so much for many quick replies I am very appreciative of everyone's thoughts. There is some great advice above that I hope will help others in a similar situation. I will let you all know how things turn out.

Thanks again and buen camino!

 

[Kitsambler]

skiing Engineer, it seems to me you are voicing two different issues. Perhaps it would be helpful to untangle them. One issue is the walking. The other issue is being apart (or together). I think it is possible to "be connected" eventhough miles apart - by reading the same book together, sharing blogs, phone calls, etc. You can share each other's experiences this way, eventhough physically separated. If that's what you both want. The walking could be done solo, or together, or a mix of the two. I personally flunked my telepathy class, and I suspect you flunked yours too. Maybe it's time to lay out these possible options and have a discussion about what your wife is really thinking. It's past time being able to guess these things.

 

[wayfarer]

I would agree with Tincatinkers last statement above, talk to each other and keep talking honestly until you come up with a solution agreeable to both. You don't want to resent making a decision not to go in a few years when you find you cannot do the Camino or indeed you don't want your wife to resent the fact that you walked without her. There is a compromise, you just have to find it.
On a lighter note you have to interpret what your wife says very carefully, the image below was recently posted to my facebook page by a woman no less.

 

[David]

I am single and celibate but wasn't always so so I do know the minefield that you have invited us all to enter .... do you want confirmation from us that you are right and your wife is wrong, allowing you to go without guilt? Surely not. You do not mention children, your ages, how long you have been married, what work you both do, how you apportion and share household tasks, money, relatives, friends ... only that your wife has asked you to postpone your Camino until later, sometime later on. What would you have us say?
I would say this as an option - offer your wife the freedom to go on pilgrimage by herself first, with all your support, and you staying at home looking after things and keeping the warm home fires burning and then you will go the year after. No?

In Islam it is considered to be of great benefit to undertake the Hajj, the pilgrimage to Mecca, as it is one of the five pillars of Islam and a religious duty to fulfill at least once in one's lifetime - but it is considered to be of much higher benefit and worth to give all the money you have saved for your own Hajj to one who cannot raise the funds to go so that they go in your place. So, you could put her first? Offer the first pilgrimage to her? No?

It is possible that the sub-text that your wife hears when you say you want to go is "he no longer loves me" - and when she asks you to postpone she is really saying "please stay with me, I need you" - how would I know? I am not there, I am neither her nor you. But you know.
Perhaps you need to talk together about other things - how you both deeply feel about your love for each other could be a good start, or even if there is any love left there at all - we are called to pilgrimage but we are not called to abandon others who depend upon us ...

I cannot answer your question, I cannot resolve your problem, but I would ask you this - in the first six months of meeting the woman who would become your wife and the first six months of marriage - would you have wanted to go on Camino without her then? No? So what has changed? What is really going on? Think about that and then talk about that with her, and listen, really listen, to how she feels about that.

With best regards to you both xx

 

[Warren Sly]

Hi!

I am planning to walk later this year or early summer next year (2015) by taking the camino Frances route. I am able to take enough time off from work to complete the walk, but my wife cannot commit the same amount of time to complete the entire journey from SJPP to Santiago. I suggested meeting me along the route and completing the last 100-200km in order to take part in the trip and not be left to the daily grind at home alone for 36+ days while I walk.

Would it be wrong to walk the camino Frances without her if she cannot attend? I don't want her to resent me taking the trip nor feel that I am trying to plan a trip that purposefully doesn't include her. She always suggests I wait to complete the hike until much later in the future. Is she trying to say she doesn't want me to go without saying it outright?

Of course, I will miss her very much if I take the trip!

Any advice for handling and/or approaching this situation will be appreciated

Thank you and buen camino!

skiingEngineer

Time

 

[jayree]

A story from my recent Camino Norte that I heard on the way to Finisterre ...

Valerie, originally from Kyrgyzstan but who grew up in Germany from age 6, told me about an Austrian married couple that started the Camino together but after five days went separate ways. The wife told her husband, "I'm tired of walking behind you, I'm tired of always being in your shadow, I'm tired of you making all the decisions." It sounded ominous to me. She stayed on the CF, he went to the CdN. They met in Santiago and are back together and happy. There is a message here somewhere.