A donation to the forum removes ads for you, and supports Ivar in his work running it

Advertisement

Luggage Transfer Correos

Not Camino... but I don't know where else to ask

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
I have no idea why I'm here. I think because we're all fairly anonymous here. My dad died. I had a phone call today to tell me that he died in February. I've not spoken to my dad for 6 years. He wasn't a good father... actually he was a terrible father.

There are wise folks within these pages... how do i grieve?
 

NorthernLight

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Le Puy to Santiago via the Frances 2012-2013. EPW2015
Aragonese & Frances 2016
Burgos to Muxia 2017
You will grieve as it comes. Maybe not for long, or perhaps in bits and pieces. You will grieve the father you wished you'd had. You'll grieve for the little child you were. You may find yourself remembering some better memories that got buried in the terrible and you'll grieve for that loss too. You'll grieve that there is no chance now that he will change and be the father you wanted.

But give yourself permission to not be too upset about his death. He wasn't part of your life except as a past wish. Perfectly normal to feel conflicted, he was still your dad.

I'm sorry for your loss.
 

CdnDreamer

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Frances (12, 15 & 18) San Salvador (18), Portuguese (19)
Be gentle with yourself. There may still be a part of you that wanted to have a good father, that was still hoping that you could reconcile and have that relationship every child hopes to have with a parent. The possibility has ended.

I see that @NorthernLight has said the same thing and much more.

I am sending you a virtual hug.
 

Jodean

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
22 Sept. to 21 Oct. 2015, Pamplona to Santiago
6-23.04 Porto to Santiago 2018
17.09-30.09 CF 2018
I am sorry for your loss, but I might know how you feel. My mother was a terrible narcissist, and tho we spoke with each other I disliked her immensely and could barely stand to be around her. One of the reasons I was so happy to live in Germany, far, far away from her.
When she died, I really did not know how to feel. Mainly I was relieved that I never had to talk to her again but sorry that she threw away so many chances to know me better. There were no tears from me at her funeral, and that is ok. All we can do is be sad that they missed knowing us and hope where ever they are it is better for them and that they are at peace. I am grateful that she gave birth to me, but not for much else.

For those with warm family relationships, it is difficult for them to realize not all of us grieve when a parent passes out of our lives in a more permanent way.

So, try to be at peace, maybe write him a letter, leave it at his grave or burn it or save it to read 5 years from now to see if things changed for you. Nothing says we must weep and grieve and nash our teeth.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Nearly every year since 2006, often walking more than one route. 2018 was Camino #14
I have no idea why I'm here. I think because we're all fairly anonymous here. My dad died. I had a phone call today to tell me that he died in February. I've not spoken to my dad for 6 years. He wasn't a good father... actually he was a terrible father.

There are wise folks within these pages... how do i grieve?
I had horrible parents. My biological father sexually abused me, my stepfather beat the hell out of me, and mother gave me to her parents when I was 3. The two men are dead and frankly, I did not grieve for them. However, my mother is now in a rehab after falling and breaking her hip, femur, and 3 ribs. She will recover but I'm struggling with feelings between being responsible and wanting to abandon her like she abandoned me. She is a VERY difficult person, impossible to get along with.

I looked on Amazon and found a book called MOTHERS WHO CAN'T LOVE by Susan Forward. it is a self-help book that I worked through and that helped me a LOT. She has written another book called TOXIC PARENTS and I wonder if that might not be a starting place for you? TOXIC PARENTS: OVERCOMING THEIR HURTFUL LEGACY AND RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE
 

Jeff Crawley

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
Contemplating yet another "final" Camino
but 2019?
Wow, did not expect such an emotional outpouring from the title of this thread.
I had great parents and, all things considered, a very "vanilla" upbringing so it's hard for me to comprehend what those above me have experienced.
All I can suggest is that, like the Camino, you take it one step at a time. And the trouble that others visited upon you? It's not your fault.
To the OP especially, think of your father's death as closure on that part of your life; cherish any good memories and promise yourself you'll never repeat the bad ones.
Thank you for your honesty and openness - I sincerely hope the path before you is a smooth one.
 

Kitsambler

Jakobsweg Junkie
Camino(s) past & future
Le Puy 2010-11, Prague 2012, Nuremberg 2013, Einsiedeln 2015, Geneva 2017-18
There are wise folks within these pages... how do i grieve?
Grief is not a one-time thing; more a process where you nibble away now and again, and never quite finish the job. As others with similar backgrounds have mentioned, there are many losses to grieve here. When my own mother passed, eight years ago and just before my first Camino walk (it had already been booked), after the numbness passed I realized I was relieved. I have found this title quite helpful: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. And journaling. And talking with a counselor. This is a new journey for you; best wishes on this new pilgrimage.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Plan to walk around 2022
Grief is such a personal experience, and it’s hard to give instructions on how. My best advice is to honour your own feelings and instincts. Know that there isn’t a right way or wrong way to grieve, and whatever you do is right for you. Be mindful though, of destructive coping measures. It can be easier for some to numb their feelings with substances, shopping, sex, or other things.

I wish you well, and I’ll keep you in my thoughts. ❤
 

t2andreo

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
C/F: 2013, 2014
C/M: 2016
C/P: 2015, 2017
C/I: 2018
Voluntario: 2014 to 2018
Grief, like a Camino, is highly personal and individualized... I submit that you should permit yourself to grieve...no sucking it up...and moving on...

Also, despite your relationship having been difficult, there must have been some good times you can remember. Focus on those good times and memories, however few. I know this sounds trite but IMHO holding a grudge or maintaining intense anger at someone who is now beyond your feelings only harms you.

Don't resist your feelings. Allow them to surface. Dealing with these feelings honestly is part of the grieving and healing process. Also, the old saw about time healing wounds is true in my experience. You may always have a scar left where the intensely angry feelings were, but that just becomes part of the wonder that is YOU.

We all have physical and emotional scars. We pick them up as we experience life. I wear mine like badges of honor. I persevered, and made it to the other side...

Also, and returning to the Camino theme, were you to walk a Camino, you could deposit a stone at Cruz de Ferro on the Frances to symbolize the casting off of YOUR burden and depositing your burden / past / anger ' resentments, etc. at the foot of The Cross. That is the symbolism of this practice.

If you are feeling generous by the time you reach Santiago, you might also dedicate your Compostela to the memory of your parent. The staff will add the parent's name in Latin to the bottom of the Compostela with the phrase "In Vicare Pro." This means roughly, "in place of..." in Latin. It is reserved to a living person who wishes to dedicate their Camino effort and sacrifice to the spiritual benefit of a deceased person, or another person who for physical reasons will never be able to accomplish a Camino.

I know this digressed from your original post. But, I was hoping it might help you make sense of your presently conflicted feelings.

That said, as you can gather above, we are here to help in any way we can.

I wish you peace, healing and happiness.
 
Last edited:

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
We all have physical and emotional scars. We pick them up as we experience life. I wear mine like badges of honor. I persevered, and made it to the other side...
I love this... thank you!

If you are feeling generous by the time you reach Santiago, you might also dedicate your Compostela to the memory of your parent. The staff will add the parent's name in Latin to the bottom of the Compostela with the phrase "In Vicare Pro." This means roughly, "in place of..." in Latin. It is reserved to a living person who wishes to dedicate their Camino effort and sacrifice to the spiritual benefit of a deceased person, or another person who for physical reasons will never be able to accomplish a Camino.
Odd as it may sound, I'm not angry with my Dad now. I feel sad for him. Sad that he died alone and was ill for a year and no-one missed him. I mean how sad is that?

I actually like the idea of dedicating my compostela to my parents. I hope to make it to Santiago twice this year and I will ask for one for each of them. Thank you... that helps me a lot
 

Cary

Member
Camino(s) past & future
del Norte/Primitivo May 2019
First let me say I am sorry for your loss. No matter what type of father he was, he was still your father. Acknowledge whatever feelings arise, don't squash whatever his passing stirs up in you. At some point when you've had enough of them just let them go. The emotional energy it requires to hang onto the past is simply not worth it. Look forward and embrace what's yet to come.

Consider yourself hugged!!
 

t2andreo

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
C/F: 2013, 2014
C/M: 2016
C/P: 2015, 2017
C/I: 2018
Voluntario: 2014 to 2018
I love this... thank you!



Odd as it may sound, I'm not angry with my Dad now. I feel sad for him. Sad that he died alone and was ill for a year and no-one missed him. I mean how sad is that?

I actually like the idea of dedicating my compostela to my parents. I hope to make it to Santiago twice this year and I will ask for one for each of them. Thank you... that helps me a lot

I will be there as a volunteer from 6 - 20 May and again from 15 July - 12 August. If you are in town then, or a few days to either side, do look me up. I would love to meet you.
 

t2andreo

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
C/F: 2013, 2014
C/M: 2016
C/P: 2015, 2017
C/I: 2018
Voluntario: 2014 to 2018
I love this... thank you!



Odd as it may sound, I'm not angry with my Dad now. I feel sad for him. Sad that he died alone and was ill for a year and no-one missed him. I mean how sad is that?

I actually like the idea of dedicating my compostela to my parents. I hope to make it to Santiago twice this year and I will ask for one for each of them. Thank you... that helps me a lot
I know they will give you one...for you...dedicated to a parent. I do NOT know if you can obtain a duplicate, OR if you can have two names appended to your Compostela.

Look me up if I am there, or simply ASK anyone. Also, you could also ask one of the French volunteers, from upstairs to intercede for you...

Hope this helps.
 

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
I know they will give you one...for you...dedicated to a parent. I do NOT know if you can obtain a duplicate, OR if you can have two names appended to your Compostela.

Look me up if I am there, or simply ASK anyone. Also, you could also ask one of the French volunteers, from upstairs to intercede for you...

Hope this helps.
Thank you so much... I am hoping to arrive twice this year so I am hoping I'll have two... they can have one each.
 

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
I will be there as a volunteer from 6 - 20 May and again from 15 July - 12 August. If you are in town then, or a few days to either side, do look me up. I would love to meet you.
Oh no... 7th June and 26th October... I would have loved to come and say thank you in person
 

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
As an update to this... today on Facebook I 'came out' to my friends and family. I told my story... warts and all. I expected a backlash but instead I've had a day of outpouring and love. From family and friends the support and love that I've felt has been amazing. I have learned that I was not alone... which is sad but equally liberating.

I have cried a lot over the last 2 days but I also feel lighter for letting it all come out. I don't feel anger. I feel sad for my Dad but I'm equally glad that a line has been drawn in the sand... my seven year old inner self has been freed... and I have a feeling she's currently skipping along a white path somewhere in Spain.

Thank you all so much. The kindness of strangers never ceases to amaze me.
 

Delphinoula

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Camino PdC 2018 Finisterre Muxía 2018
C Franconia 2019
Camino desde Algeciras Sevillia (2019)
When my dad died I was lost . I was a kid and had no other option than to carry on.
When my uncle died I was so sad, because I realized there are not may people left who knew me as a child. I realized I cried for myself. I am mortal. There are different phases your grief. Grief for the child that you were that he once was and let it be good.
Be selfish. Take the good he did for you, acknowledge the bad that made you the person you are. Feel what you need to feel. Be sad for him if this is what you need, but we all make our own choices. If he did a bad job as a parent or a very bad job that’s on him.
Tell the Saint in Santiago about him and then let providence take care of you and him.
 

Stivandrer

Perambulating & Curious. Rep stravaiging offender
Camino(s) past & future
I´ve got Camino plans until 2042,
- or till I fall flat on my face, whichever comes first !!
When I did my first Camino, I started out on the Meseta from Burgos, walked all alone on sunny days on a dusty plain for days, and after a short while I had the space and the time to grieve after my cancer op 5 years earlier.
It came unexpected, was violent and spent itself very effectively...
I yelled, I holler´d, I kicked stones....
- and nobody heard me, thank God, except for some birds, the odd couple of goats and the lonely cow and an abandonded tractor...

The Camino might give you the room and patience to embrace the reaction of whatever you will be feeling at the time, when... - or if....
for the longest while we are just able to catching balls in the air to get by in this most modern of existence and we are not able to feel..

Be patient ...!!
 

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
When I did my first Camino, I started out on the Meseta from Burgos, walked all alone on sunny days on a dusty plain for days, and after a short while I had the space and the time to grieve after my cancer op 5 years earlier.
It came unexpected, was violent and spent itself very effectively...
I yelled, I holler´d, I kicked stones....
- and nobody heard me, thank God, except for some birds, the odd couple of goats and the lonely cow and an abandonded tractor...

The Camino might give you the room and patience to embrace the reaction of whatever you will be feeling at the time, when... - or if....
for the longest while we are just able to catching balls in the air to get by in this most modern of existence and we are not able to feel..

Be patient ...!!
I wonder if it was he same spot? https://caminobrassblog.wordpress.com/2014/09/30/23-tree-hill/
 

tangata hikoi

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Le Puy to Pamploma (April/May 2014)
VDLP March 2019 Sanabres April 2019
Finisterre/Muxia April 2019
I'm sorry for your loss LesBrass. Like many writing above I have difficult family relationships too.
Today I finished the VLDP and Sanabres. Has been wonderful. But an especially wonderful moment was when I asked the two men I was walking with their advice. My father is 85. He has six children and I am the eldest and the only one who has any contact with him. He has never been violent or abusive although always pretty 'useless' in terms of his ability to parent or support any of us.
My question was 'when he dies should I let my siblings know'. My companions unequivocally said yes, I should. I know they are right and that is what I will do. It will be hard to forgive them their abandonment of our father but if they want to attend his funeral they will be welcomed.
I'm writing this now because your thread has reminded me of this important conversation and how sometimes people who are not closely involved can help us see things clearly. I didn't realize till I asked my companions that the question was in me and I'm grateful for the opportunity to have put it to them and their clarity in responding.

The responses here feel very much in the same spirit. I'm glad you felt able to reach out here and that people have responded so beautifully.
Warmest wishes
Megg
 

WalkingJane

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
May and October 2015
(2015 October)
June 2018 Portuguese
As an update to this... today on Facebook I 'came out' to my friends and family. I told my story... warts and all. I expected a backlash but instead I've had a day of outpouring and love. From family and friends the support and love that I've felt has been amazing. I have learned that I was not alone... which is sad but equally liberating.

I have cried a lot over the last 2 days but I also feel lighter for letting it all come out. I don't feel anger. I feel sad for my Dad but I'm equally glad that a line has been drawn in the sand... my seven year old inner self has been freed... and I have a feeling she's currently skipping along a white path somewhere in Spain.

Thank you all so much. The kindness of strangers never ceases to amaze me.
Here's another virtual hug. I cannot add anything else to the love that has been sent here. So glad you reached out, and best wishes for your Camino.
 

Scarlet Fez

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Camino de Frances Sept/Oct 2016
Camino Portuguese Oct 2017
Del Norde Start 2nd May 2018
The wisdom of many on here and the heartfelt wishes of most in relation to your line voice asking for assistance amazes but does not surprise me.
Good to hear you’ve lightened the burden by sharing the hurt with family and friends. I’m sure you will sleep easier for it. Chin up.
 

Kanga

Moderator
Staff member
Camino(s) past & future
Francés x 5, Le Puy x 2, Arles, Tours, Norte, Madrid, Via de la Plata, Portuguese.
@LesBrass I've been quietly thinking about your post for the last 24 hours. A challenging event indeed. Colleen, having seen you conquer so many Camino challenges over the last few years (I remember the first tentative posts) I feel sure you will not only survive this tsunami of feelings, but also grow. On this forum I hope you feel valued, and safe.

If you father was like the one described by @Anniesantiago then you have suffered. The human heart is complex, and a child's need to love is very strong. It would be normal to feel deep hurt. I hope you are able to heal completely, and that the scar tissue is only that.
 

Charles Zammit

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
St Jean Pied de Port - Finisterra 2017
GR70 France 2018
[ Via Francigena 2019]
LesBrass , ask yourself , do you want to grieve for the loss of your father , or is it really the lost childhood and parental relationship you never had that you feel a want for ?

I will risk being blunt, hopefully in a sensitive way , some people just don't deserve to be missed , or only a little if any , they have not earned that respect , for surely to grieve for a loved one is to show the ultimate respect . Unfortunately they also seem to engender a guilt in the sensitive and thoughtful left behind , one that suggests that we may become like them if we don't show some emotion and sense of loss at their demise .
Good fathers and good mothers are like jewels , rare and to be cherished and mourned at their loss , some though are just best forgotten .
 

easygoing

Camino Sharon
Camino(s) past & future
I have walked the Camino Francis 7 times, twice in 2017 and 2018. (2019)
I have no idea why I'm here. I think because we're all fairly anonymous here. My dad died. I had a phone call today to tell me that he died in February. I've not spoken to my dad for 6 years. He wasn't a good father... actually he was a terrible father.

There are wise folks within these pages... how do i grieve?
My mother was also terrible. I actually felt a sense of relief when she died. I didn't wish for her death because I realized she did the best she could. I have been told by social worker that my grief would be worse because I would mourn the relationship we never had well that didn't happen although it does happen to some people. Don't feel guilty if you're not upset. And how do you grieve? It depends on your personality. My mom didn't want any memorial service so I had a family dinner in a few weeks and we shared memories. I have her picture in the living room up on a high shelf and I just realized that that was how she was my whole life on the edge but not really a part of it. I am a hospice nurse and know you may have already grieved. Just do nothing or something it's for you not for your dad.
 

VNwalking

Wandering in big circles
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Francés ('14/'15)
San Olav/CF ('16)
Baztanés/CF ('17)
Ingles ('18)
Vasco/CF/Invierno ('19)
I am so sorry, @LesBrass .
There are no recipes for how to move through this because your story is unique, each of our stories is unique.
All you need to do right now is simply feel what you're feeling and know anything you feel is okay.
Allow the feelings to come and go, whatever they are. And hold yourself gently in that process.
Step by step the landscape of grief and loss and pain and acceptance reveals itself - and healing can come as we see and release everything that has made us as we are now, with kindness and acceptance. And the release begins with feeling deeply.
I will be thinking of you, with so much well-wishing...
 

MichaelB10398

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
Le Puy to Santiago de Compostela, Lourdes to SdC, SJPP to SdC
My mom was a great mother; my dad was poor a father as my mom was great. Both were very human, but they expressed their human-ness is such drastically different ways. As an adult, my dad and I were able to work out a kind of peace. We could say I love you to each other, but it was said in hopes of a brighter future. When I spoke those words to him they were always tinged with pain for a childhood of physical and verbal abuse. I was grateful for the time we had to find a middle ground.
Grief is different for us. So many have already said the things I would say. It is personal; it is yours; there is not correct way to grieve; grief does not happen all at once.
As the years have gone by, the bad memories have faded and I cherish the joy I found in the life I have lived. It has been a life with some profoundly painful times, but oh, how I have enjoyed the small moments of reprieve. There is peace to be found. God bless and keep you,
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances, 2015
@LesBrass I'm one of those guys that do have feelings but have trouble expressing them so the following is the stupid "practical" advice that we give in lieu of emotionally rewarding sympathy. Please forgive me.

Plant or adopt a tree. In your yard, a nearby park or in a forest. Or pay to have one planted; a sequoia in a redwood grove, a fruit tree in a kibbutz or a shade tree along a meseta camino. I'm not thinking that it be dedicated to your father but that it serve as a surrogate for your relationship. You can visit this living thing to work out your feelings instead of a stone at a gravesite. Nurture it, talk to it, yell at it, kick it, pee on it or abandon it as you require. No harm will be done.

And as I wrote this I became surrounded by squirrels; leading me to think that if your tree is the right kind you might even delight in the fact that squirrels would love to chew on its nuts.

Peace be with you.
 

Phoenix

Member
Camino(s) past & future
2014, CF: partial
2016, CF: SJPdP to Burgos/Leon to SdC
2018, CF: partial
I was 29 when my biological dad died. He was an angry drunk and took it on me (the eldest) when I was a kid. I hadn't seen him for several years when I got the call that he was near death. I wasn't sure what to expect and I didn't want to go to the hospital, but I did since my younger siblings couldn't be there.

I had the opportunity to brush his hair, feed him ice cream, and play the part of each of my siblings when he was in/out of coherency. Most of all, I was able to forgive him. It was like taking off a 100 lb backpack that I didn't know I had been carrying for most of my life. Doing so enabled me to be a better father to my sons and, hopefully, a better person overall.

The only advice I have is based upon the freedom I gained through forgiveness. Perhaps forgiveness will set you free as well. I pray for your peace and comfort as you move forward.
 

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
This community really is amazing. Over the years as I've read posts, and replies and comments I feel as though I've grown to know some of you quite well... strangers yes... but you can tell quite a lot about a person from the messages they write? I have had a roller-coaster few days... lows and highs. Today I feel quite calm. I suspect that will change but I do feel more at peace.

I decided a few days ago to post an open letter on my facebook page... the response I received has overwhelmed me... I feel loved. And sadly I learned that I am not alone. I'm going to post my letter here... for all the children that carry secrets. I honestly believe that there is a silent army of us out there. I hope they all manage to find the same comfort and support that has held me together over the last few days.

I went for a walk today. A few years ago on my first camino I had an 'experience' relating to my father. I asked St James to help me at the time. Ever since that day, if a bad memory jumps into my head I shout for St James and he always comes... and the memory quickly goes away. I never thought I was a particularly religious person but St James is my comforter... and I do now feel that I was called to walk so that I could find him.

This is my letter...

I’ve lived with a secret almost all my life. Living with a secret is a burden, it’s heavy and you can never put it down. Or should I say I couldn’t put it down until now?

I killed my mother. At least I grew up thinking it was my fault. She told me so herself. “If you had never been born then I wouldn’t be dying.” I was quite young when I first heard it; really young, perhaps 5 or 6? I know of course, in reality I didn’t kill her; her disease did. The thing is though, all that anger and depression and fear that gripped my mother as she battled to come to terms with her Multiple Sclerosis was the catalyst for something much worse. My Father.

My father had a bamboo cane that he kept on the little wooden frame above the door. Oddly when we moved house, the cane moved with us from one sitting room door to another. It was a wicked little thing. It would leave blood blisters in a line on my legs and bottom. Usually it would only be one or two but sometimes more. Occasionally if the bamboo wasn’t close to hand then he would use his belt, which always hurt a lot more. I still have a scar on my arm from the day he hit me with the buckle end and it broke the skin. Rarely would he use his hand.

It’s hard to be sure but I remember that cane for almost as long as I remember stuff... and those memories go back to me at around aged 4 or 5. I am however very sure of what happened when I was 7 years old. I had been to Brownies and my father collected me. We stopped off at Ladysmith school on the way home to pay his allotment fees. When he returned to the car he drove to his Sparrow’s crane depot and took off my knickers. I can’t write in any detail about what happened but that was the day my secrets started.

That was life. Mum couldn’t love me because bringing me into the world also brought out her autoimmune disease (which ironically, she passed on to me). Dad took his anger out of me and when he wasn’t angry, he was in my bedroom. It was a cycle of anger, and beatings and rows and night time terrors and sadness. I told no-one.

You see, Dad wasn’t evil or bad. People liked him, loved him. My mum had a strong circle of friends who loved her. We went to church every Sunday, my mum made the choir gowns, my dad was church warden and would carry the big wooden cross through the church every Good Friday. He was liked. On the surface we were a nice family and as I grew older I believed that I was considered a bit of a black sheep. I kept my secrets and in the end, I guess I just accepted that I was a bad, wicked child. I wasn’t good enough. I should never have been born. A few months before my 15th Birthday I took an overdose. My dad found me a few hours later. He hit me and walked away. Sometime later he called an ambulance. I remember that day so vividly. I still never told anyone, but he stayed out of my bedroom. I left home when I was 16.

I had friends that helped me seek counselling and I owe them a huge debt of gratitude; I often think that life began at 30 for me. I’m far from perfect, I guess I’m broken. I have my own family now and I love them fiercely, maybe I’m a little too protective but I don’t regret that. I have a husband who is my rock and my place of safety in a world of noise. He tells me that I am good enough. He holds me in the night when I wake up screaming. He understands me and loves me as I am.

I never abandoned my parents. I kept in touch. I played the role of the daughter but every time it hurt. My mum died a long time ago and as I have grown older and became a parent I have learned to understand and accept her struggle; she was a fighter and I respect her greatly. I’m sad that I never really knew her and I’m also sad that she never really knew me... I like to think she would have liked me.

As crazy as it sounds I also kept in touch with my dad. Looking out for him. Feeling sorry for him as he grew older as he grew more vulnerable and delusional. I think he just wanted to be loved and he did care for my mum at home until she died. A few years ago Dad asked me (again) for more money; £5000. We paid his debts and sorted his finances but he never spoke to us again after this.

He was buried yesterday and no one was there to mourn him. We didn’t know. I will visit his grave next week and I’ll leave flowers and I’ll also leave behind my secrets, out of the bag at last and on the wind. I carried them for long enough. I can feel that little seven year old girl taking a deep breath now. Rest in Peace dad.
 

NorthernLight

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Le Puy to Santiago via the Frances 2012-2013. EPW2015
Aragonese & Frances 2016
Burgos to Muxia 2017
I have no words. I'm not sure there are any adequate to the moment. Consider us sitting quietly on your couch/sofa in solidarity and support. Listening and caring. And sad for the little child whose parents failed her.
 

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
I have no words. I'm not sure there are any adequate to the moment. Consider us sitting quietly on your couch/sofa in solidarity and support. Listening and caring. And sad for the little child whose parents failed her.
That's so sweet. I had a older friend who I use to call mum... she adopted me :) She became ill and sadly died too soon... I was having cancer treatment at the time and one of the things she said to me was that if I should ever feel afraid I should think of her sitting on my shoulder. A few days before she died she sent me a message about my upcoming scan... and she reminded me that she would be with me, on said shoulder. She died suddenly in her sleep and never learned that my scan was good... but as I left the hospital that day, my husband told me to wait and turn around... and he proceeded to pulled a perfect white feather from the shoulder of my cardigan. She did make it after all :)
 

MichelleElynHogan

Veteran Member
You are here, asking for help, so there is some semblance of caring, or we would not be doing this. So, it is important to sit quietly and consider who best to talk with about this, face to face. There are grief support groups, friends, siblings, church Ministers, even if you are not spiritual.

Second Mums are great. I had one too. Do you think that maybe, she is still sitting right there on your shoulder?
 

Bobcat77

CF starts 23 March SJPdP
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances in 22 March (2019)
Hi @Les Brass. 2 things:
Why did it take your family 2 months to tell you. Odd, dare I say.
Maybe it's a case of "the King is dead; long live the King!" You have obviously lived apart from your Dad for a long time. Perhaps you have Already done your grieving? So... Long live the king. Move on. Be grateful for your life, for all the bits and pieces of it, for everything that made you the man you are today. Grieving may no longer be appropriate. God bless you Les. God bless you. RJ
Posted from Carion Los Condes on the Camino.
 

LesBrass

Likes Walking
Camino(s) past & future
yes...
Hi @Les Why did it take your family 2 months to tell you. Odd, dare I say.
No one knew. We found out from a will/heir chasing company... I had to tell the rest of the family. My Dad became ill, lost capacity, ended up in a care home in a different council authority... papers/records lost? mislaid? but whatever happened he died there and they had no record of family so they arranged the funeral.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Frances Part of (2018)
Primitivo (2019)
Finistere (2019)
I have no idea why I'm here. I think because we're all fairly anonymous here. My dad died. I had a phone call today to tell me that he died in February. I've not spoken to my dad for 6 years. He wasn't a good father... actually he was a terrible father.

There are wise folks within these pages... how do i grieve?
Parents remain an important part of our lives whether they were present or absent to a lesser or larger gegree. If not in person then at least in thought.

Death in general is about the living, ie, those who stay behind. What do you do now that it has happened, thus your posting.

No matter who your parent was my general counsel to folk is to be thankful for that person's life as it is part of the reason for you being here. To do that one must make a choice to forgive that person for 'whatever' as it sets you free. This could be a process that will take as long as it needs to take. The 70 x 7 that Jesus spoke about in the gospels. Fotgiveness is at the heart of liberating ones thoughts and emotions from the hold of the past.

Loosing a parent remains one of the touchest things I have experienced. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Go into peace as you mourn his loss. Do what you need to do. Overcome and outgrow the danger of unforgiveness and its fruit.
 

nycwalking

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
CF: (2001, 2002, 2004, 2014). Hospitalera: 2002, Ponferrada. 2004, Rabanal del Camino.
@LesBrass,

Look up Marilyn Van Derber on YouTube and watch her videos.

She won Miss American pageant in 1958. Her ideal picture perfect family: mom, four sisters, including her, and dad, were called onto stage when she won. They represented all that was good and right with the world. But, nobody knew their secrets.

Her dad was like yours. Mom too.

She discusses this topic in her vids.

She also wrote a book: Miss America by Day.

We’re told we’re never given more than can we can handle; sometimes I wonder why we’re asked to handle what we are given.

Might be time to go see Santiago.🙏🏽💪🏾❤
 
Last edited:

Bobcat77

CF starts 23 March SJPdP
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances in 22 March (2019)
No one knew. We found out from a will/heir chasing company... I had to tell the rest of the family. My Dad became ill, lost capacity, ended up in a care home in a different council authority... papers/records lost? mislaid? but whatever happened he died there and they had no record of family so they arranged the funeral.
Oh dear. Les, I'm so sorry. Lord have mercy.
 

OLDER threads on this topic


Book your lodging here

Get e-mail updates from Casa Ivar (Forum + Forum Store content)




Advertisement

Booking.com

Most downloaded Resources

Forum Rules

Forum Rules

Camino Forum Store

Camino Forum Store

Casa Ivar Newsletter

Forum Donation

Forum Donation
For those with no forum account, it is possible to donate here as well. Thank you for your support! Ivar

Follow Casa Ivar on Instagram

When is the best time to walk?

  • January

    Votes: 12 1.2%
  • February

    Votes: 5 0.5%
  • March

    Votes: 41 4.0%
  • April

    Votes: 154 15.1%
  • May

    Votes: 254 24.9%
  • June

    Votes: 78 7.7%
  • July

    Votes: 21 2.1%
  • August

    Votes: 18 1.8%
  • September

    Votes: 296 29.0%
  • October

    Votes: 123 12.1%
  • November

    Votes: 12 1.2%
  • December

    Votes: 5 0.5%
Top