Old ways and new partners - introducing your partner to pilgrimage

[sun is shining]

Dear all,

I’ve first signed up for this forum a decade ago, shortly before walking the CF. Since then, I have only had one opportunity to come back to Spain - walking the VdlP just before Covid. Now it looks like I’ll be leaving Europe again for the foreseeable future, but before I would like to experience the Salvador and the Primitivo.

My partner is a passionate long-distance hiker but never walked - or thought - much about the Camino. Yet, he does enjoy what I’ve told him of the two vastly different Caminos that I walked.

Have you introduced a partner/friend to the Camino while you already have pre-conceived notions and preferences? I already *know* that I prefer less-crowded routes, early starts and staying in simple albergues. But what about him? How can we walk this way jointly without me influencing this too much.

So, how did this go for you? Any experiences are appreciated!

 

[David Harper]

Yes, I have! I walked with my girlfriend of one year; in 2021, and then again in 2022. So to go twice it must have been successful. I had consistently shared my prior experiences with her and when I decided to go again in 2021, I asked her if she was interested. She didn't hesitate to accept. I think the fact that she was fit and we enjoyed hiking had a lot to do with our successful journeys. I did not doubt that she would be able to handle it. I knew that there would be a few other challenges as you mention. We overcame all of those to have a real bonding experience. The majority of the time we walked together, sometimes she walked ahead, or I would walk ahead. Once she was up to speed on the Camino, we shared responsibilities. We had a rare chance to talk about virtually everything and grew closer as a result. We are still together today and have some amazing memories!

 

[DoughnutANZ]

I don't have experience with this but I have thought about it a lot with regard to introducing my son to the Camino.

This is what I would do with my son.

You and your partner may be different.

I would walk the Frances with my son but I would be very careful not to pass on my expectations and my experience to him. That would be like seeing a movie for the second time with someone who has not seen it yet and interrupting all the time to tell them what is going to happen next.

I would choose the Frances because of the crowds, so that he could experience the comradeship for himself.

I would also be careful to give him space to walk on his own from time to time so that he could have the space to think about himself and to meet people independent of me.

 

[Robo]

Dear all,

I’ve first signed up for this forum a decade ago, shortly before walking the CF. Since then, I have only had one opportunity to come back to Spain - walking the VdlP just before Covid. Now it looks like I’ll be leaving Europe again for the foreseeable future, but before I would like to experience the Salvador and the Primitivo.

My partner is a passionate long-distance hiker but never walked - or thought - much about the Camino. Yet, he does enjoy what I’ve told him of the two vastly different Caminos that I walked.

Have you introduced a partner/friend to the Camino while you already have pre-conceived notions and preferences? I already *know* that I prefer less-crowded routes, early starts and staying in simple albergues. But what about him? How can we walk this way jointly without me influencing this too much.

So, how did this go for you? Any experiences are appreciated!

It's very hard to know how it will pan out. till you try it.
Pat has walked with me twice. (200 kms and 800 kms)
It requires compromise, consideration and to an extent, 'giving up' your Camino as you know it.
The logistics are harder with Pat. She prefers private accommodation, nice meals etc. That's all part of the enjoyment for her. Whereas I'll put up with anything if I have to.

I know others have found it a lot easier

I'm going to try it a third time next year.
I'll plan it around her speed and distances, and it will only be 12 days

What will help, is that it will be a new route for both of us, so we can both enjoy the 'unknown'.

On the two previous 'joint' Caminos, it was a route I had already walked, so I felt a bit like a tour guide....

 

[WalkingLester]

Check out this wonderful post

https://www.caminodesantiago.me/community/threads/sharing-the-camino-with-a-loved-one-five-important-lessons-learned-and-three-biggest-mistakes-when-walking-with-my-husband.75733/

 

[Robo]

Further thoughts......... Things I will do better on our next joint Camino.
Others have mentioned these in other threads over the years I think.

Planning.
Undertake joint planning. You both need to 'own' the plan.
Types of accommodation, dining options, how far you plan to walk etc etc.
Any Plan B that you might have.
In the past I did it all, and so it becomes my task to 'manage' everything and my problem to 'fix' any issues that arise.

So for example Pat and I are discussing our first day out of Le Puy.
I know that unless she trains for it, she'll find 23 kms over a high hill, quite hard for day 1. Very hard.
But to break up Day 1 means staying in shared accommodation, which she feels very uncomfortable about.
So we'll bounce around ideas on how we might tackle that day.


Rotate Daily Tasks / Roles.
Small things, like doing laundry, navigation, doing the accommodation booking, check-in, etc etc.
Again, so that you both get to 'own' all aspects of the journey.

Walking Pace.
This is the hardest of all. I'm sure you realise.
It's very rare, that you will have the same walking pace or the same needs for short breaks, pee stops etc.
I stop a lot to shoot videos, take photos, chat to people.
Pat likes to just keep moving.
We also walk at very different speeds.

So we tend to walk in sight of each other, not together as such.

Walking with Others.
I'm sure you have experienced this.
On my last Camino I walked quite a few days with other people.
Usually just 'within' site of each other, at our own pace.

But one guy, who walked faster than me, would insist on waiting for me to 'catch up'.
We had to have words about it

I would see him 500 - 700 metres ahead, taking a break, only to set off again when I was within 200 metres or so. It was done with the best of intentions. He was a great guy and great company.

But I basically had to say.........

Don't wait for me. At all!
I know where I'm going, I won't get lost.
Seeing you waiting for me just causes me to feel rushed, and it makes me walk faster than I want to, because I don't want to hold you up.........

Little things like this can cause friction, so it's best to discuss upfront how you and your partner will walk together.

On the flip side, I have held back a bit to wait for someone who was having a difficult / emotional day.
Sometimes we need to just 'be' with someone, even if no words are spoken.
They were very grateful.

I guess it's about being 'in tune' with those that we walk with.

 

[Anamya]

Planning.
Undertake joint planning. You both need to 'own' the plan.
Types of accommodation, dining options, how far you plan to walk etc etc.
Any Plan B that you might have.

Thanks for saying this. That's exactly where I'm feeling the uneasiness at the moment. A relative asked to go on Camino with me - they want to do it, but are afraid of going alone. All good, I love Caminos.
But I have not yet seen efforts from them in doing any research, getting to know the trail, how to sort extra luggage, etc. It feels a bit like they will just turn up for the walk and are expecting me to sort everything.

Any tips on how to engage in the conversation of how to actually do it? I have tried the "why do you want to walk a Camino?" but got very vague answers.

 

[sun is shining]

Yes, I have! I walked with my girlfriend of one year; in 2021, and then again in 2022. So to go twice it must have been successful. I had consistently shared my prior experiences with her and when I decided to go again in 2021, I asked her if she was interested. She didn't hesitate to accept. I think the fact that she was fit and we enjoyed hiking had a lot to do with our successful journeys. I did not doubt that she would be able to handle it. I knew that there would be a few other challenges as you mention. We overcame all of those to have a real bonding experience. The majority of the time we walked together, sometimes she walked ahead, or I would walk ahead. Once she was up to speed on the Camino, we shared responsibilities. We had a rare chance to talk about virtually everything and grew closer as a result. We are still together today and have some amazing memories!

I‘m happy it went well for you guys! We‘ve been on a lot of long-distance hikes (obviously different to the Camino but that’s all I can compare it to atm) and I very much get what you mean with „bonding opportunity“.

 

[sun is shining]

Further thoughts......... Things I will do better on our next joint Camino.
Others have mentioned these in other threads over the years I think.

Planning.
Undertake joint planning. You both need to 'own' the plan.
Types of accommodation, dining options, how far you plan to walk etc etc.
Any Plan B that you might have.
In the past I did it all, and so it becomes my task to 'manage' everything and my problem to 'fix' any issues that arise.

So for example Pat and I are discussing our first day out of Le Puy.
I know that unless she trains for it, she'll find 23 kms over a high hill, quite hard for day 1. Very hard.
But to break up Day 1 means staying in shared accommodation, which she feels very uncomfortable about.
So we'll bounce around ideas on how we might tackle that day.


Rotate Daily Tasks / Roles.
Small things, like doing laundry, navigation, doing the accommodation booking, check-in, etc etc.
Again, so that you both get to 'own' all aspects of the journey.

Walking Pace.
This is the hardest of all. I'm sure you realise.
It's very rare, that you will have the same walking pace or the same needs for short breaks, pee stops etc.
I stop a lot to shoot videos, take photos, chat to people.
Pat likes to just keep moving.
We also walk at very different speeds.

So we tend to walk in sight of each other, not together as such.

Walking with Others.
I'm sure you have experienced this.
On my last Camino I walked quite a few days with other people.
Usually just 'within' site of each other, at our own pace.

But one guy, who walked faster than me, would insist on waiting for me to 'catch up'.
We had to have words about it

I would see him 500 - 700 metres ahead, taking a break, only to set off again when I was within 200 metres or so. It was done with the best of intentions. He was a great guy and great company.

But I basically had to say.........

Don't wait for me. At all!
I know where I'm going, I won't get lost.
Seeing you waiting for me just causes me to feel rushed, and it makes me walk faster than I want to, because I don't want to hold you up.........

Little things like this can cause friction, so it's best to discuss upfront how you and your partner will walk together.

On the flip side, I have held back a bit to wait for someone who was having a difficult / emotional day.
Sometimes we need to just 'be' with someone, even if no words are spoken.
They were very grateful.

I guess it's about being 'in tune' with those that we walk with.

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply!

We are very in tune to walking speeds and daily chores - so that part should be fairly easy. The spiritual dimension is a while different challenge though.

And you are absolutely right about the planning part! I’ve planned this next Camino since before we met (Covid very much got in the way of things) but you are right, it’s „our“ Camino so planning needs to include him with his own agency. I’m usually the one that plans our trips (which works fine) but I feel that this would fundamentally change his perception of what life on the Camino is.

Lots of food for thought.

 

[Robo]

Thanks for saying this. That's exactly where I'm feeling the uneasiness at the moment. A relative asked to go on Camino with me - they want to do it, but are afraid of going alone. All good, I love Caminos.
But I have not yet seen efforts from them in doing any research, getting to know the trail, how to sort extra luggage, etc. It feels a bit like they will just turn up for the walk and are expecting me to sort everything.

Any tips on how to engage in the conversation of how to actually do it? I have tried the "why do you want to walk a Camino?" but got very vague answers.

Not a good sign.......

With Pat, who has walked with me twice before, we are looking at the route together, places we might want to stay etc. If they don't 'buy into it' I'd maybe go alone

 

[SimplySina]

I don't think the Camino works with someone as a backup upfront. Confronting yourself with the problems that traveling alone brings with it and dealing with what you have to think about and what to expect is part of the journey. Maybe you can start the conversation like this
For me it will be the first time in August and it is so important for me. I keep noticing that the journey in my head has long begun

 

[dbier]

Thanks for saying this. That's exactly where I'm feeling the uneasiness at the moment. A relative asked to go on Camino with me - they want to do it, but are afraid of going alone. All good, I love Caminos.
But I have not yet seen efforts from them in doing any research, getting to know the trail, how to sort extra luggage, etc. It feels a bit like they will just turn up for the walk and are expecting me to sort everything.

Any tips on how to engage in the conversation of how to actually do it? I have tried the "why do you want to walk a Camino?" but got very vague answers.

Have you ever traveled with this relative? Has this relative ever been in Europe?

I might try...Hey, X, since we've never travelled together before, help me understand what you're thinking. In your vision, what's happening? What kind of place are we sleeping in? When are we waking up? What are we eating? Are we walking completely together, at the same pace, or is one of us going ahead and waiting for the other? What happens when nature calls, and there's no flush toilet for 7-10km??

The answers will tell you both however many times they watched The Way or I'll Push You, and whether they understand their expectations, for both them and you. Go from there.

 

[David Tallan]

I don't think the Camino works with someone as a backup upfront. Confronting yourself with the problems that traveling alone brings with it and dealing with what you have to think about and what to expect is part of the journey. Maybe you can start the conversation like this
For me it will be the first time in August and it is so important for me. I keep noticing that the journey in my head has long begun

It certainly is for some people's journey. Other people have different journeys with different challenges and learnings. Some Caminos are more about confronting problems as a couple or team and the challenges that traveling in company can bring. They are equally valid Caminos.

 

[jabrown]

Thanks for saying this. That's exactly where I'm feeling the uneasiness at the moment. A relative asked to go on Camino with me - they want to do it, but are afraid of going alone. All good, I love Caminos.
But I have not yet seen efforts from them in doing any research, getting to know the trail, how to sort extra luggage, etc. It feels a bit like they will just turn up for the walk and are expecting me to sort everything.

Any tips on how to engage in the conversation of how to actually do it? I have tried the "why do you want to walk a Camino?" but got very vague answers.

I would gently explain I prefer a solo adventures. It’s not up to you to rescue others. They need to put in the effort to grow from the experience.

 

[SimplySina]

It certainly is for some people's journey. Other people have different journeys with different challenges and learnings. Some Caminos are more about confronting problems as a couple or team and the challenges that traveling in company can bring. They are equally valid Caminos.

Thanks for your impulse. You are absolutely right and I appreciate your point of view.
But in this case I have the feeling that it shouldn't be a joint challenge, but rather someone who wants to be a beneficiary of the experience of the thread creator and doesn't feel like part of a team.

 

[David Tallan]

Thanks for your impulse. You are absolutely right and I appreciate your point of view.
But in this case I have the feeling that it shouldn't be a joint challenge, but rather someone who wants to be a beneficiary of the experience of the thread creator and doesn't feel like part of a team.

When I walked with my teenage son, I did mist of the organizing. I might discuss things with him sometimes (e.g. "if you are ready to walk an extra 7 km today, there will be an albergue with these advantages") but he pretty much left the organizing up to me. It wasn't that he wasn't interested in going. It was his suggestion. It was that we left pretty much right after his exams so he hadn't as much time to research as I had and he trusted my decision making. I don't think he ever second guessed me or complained about my decisions (although some could have been better, of course).

I think he still got a lot out of the experience.

I don't think it was the thread creator who was talking about walking with someone who wants to be a beneficiary but Anamya, farther down the thread. In that case, I think, it depends on how beneficent you are feeling. I was quite happy to gift my son with the experience.

 

[Anamya]

Have you ever traveled with this relative? Has this relative ever been in Europe?

Yes and yes, but always in groups. I think the issue is their fear in being alone and not knowing what to do. They asked me to go with them, not to piggyback in one of my trips, to be exact. Some convfersations have to be had soon....

don't think it was the thread creator who was talking about walking with someone who wants to be a beneficiary but Anamya, farther down the thread. In that case, I think, it depends on how beneficent you are feeling. I was quite happy to gift my son with the experience.

Indeed it was me, and apologies for taking part of the thread on a tangent. But I do feel quite benefice3nt towards this person, although I also predict some hard work.

Have you introduced a partner/friend to the Camino while you already have pre-conceived notions and preferences?

So, to go back to the initial question: I have known about the camino since my childhood and always wanted to walk it. I've talked about it with many friends, relatives, partners... Never got mucjh of an enthusiastic reply, and also never had the means to go myself.
It all changed a feel years ago. I had the means, and my know husband is quite interested in medieval history. So I highlighted that aspect, and he was super interested in going with me. In Ponferrada he felt like in Disney World, with the Templar Castle and all.
We did our first camino together, so different from the OP, I had not been there, but I had read and re-read and joined this forum and bought books... He did some googling and happily jumped on the Templar bus. And we both learned way more than we expected along the way, so it was a very good experience.

 

[Rita Flower]

Lots of great examples.
The success of going with another depends on the needs and personalities of each person.
If they are similar then planning and walking jointly will work more easily.
If they are different then one person will need to surrender a little, or maybe a lot, to the needs and preferences of the other.
Or
Plan and prepare more separately, travel to the starting point together, and take it one day at a time.
Buen Camino
PS. I would never walk a Camino with someone who is afraid to go alone. I would suggest they book with a group. Maybe at the same time you are walking - you could catch up from time to time along the way.

 

[Robo]

If they are different then one person will need to surrender a little, or maybe a lot, to the needs and preferences of the other.
Or
Plan and prepare more separately, travel to the starting point together, and take it one day at a time.
Buen Camino
PS. I would never walk a Camino with someone who is afraid to go alone. I would suggest they book with a group. Maybe at the same time you are walking - you could catch up from time to time along the way.

I think that last part is very insightful.
Pat would never walk a Camino alone.
I recognise that, so I 'surrender' part of my normal Camino experience to her......
So far it's worked......

I just need some 'alone' Caminos from time to time.
Or a long remote one she does not want to do

 

[Rita Flower]

I think that last part is very insightful.
Pat would never walk a Camino alone.
I recognise that, so I 'surrender' part of my normal Camino experience to her......
So far it's worked......

I just need some 'alone' Caminos from time to time.
Or a long remote one she does not want to do

Yes and you are a kind and considerate partner in balancing both your needs. I was thinking more of friends and extended family members.

 

[Telelama]

We walked the Primitivo to Lugo, then the Verde over to the Norte in May. A few miles after hitting the Norte we stopped at a bar for a beer. We chatted with a Brit who was telling us he had walked a number of Caminos and was doing this 100km one with his partner. She wanted to learn more about walking a Camino.

We left them, got to Sobrado dox Monxes and not even a minute after we reached the albergue the skies opened up. Pea sized hail came down violently for a few minutes, then it rained super hard for another 20 minutes. Water was running down the streets carrying piles of hail with it. No doubt they got caught out in the open. We couldn't help but think she really learned about the Camino on that afternoon!

 

[hikentravel1234]

Dear all,

I’ve first signed up for this forum a decade ago, shortly before walking the CF. Since then, I have only had one opportunity to come back to Spain - walking the VdlP just before Covid. Now it looks like I’ll be leaving Europe again for the foreseeable future, but before I would like to experience the Salvador and the Primitivo.

My partner is a passionate long-distance hiker but never walked - or thought - much about the Camino. Yet, he does enjoy what I’ve told him of the two vastly different Caminos that I walked.

Have you introduced a partner/friend to the Camino while you already have pre-conceived notions and preferences? I already *know* that I prefer less-crowded routes, early starts and staying in simple albergues. But what about him? How can we walk this way jointly without me influencing this too much.

So, how did this go for you? Any experiences are appreciated!

You know what you like but is wasn't clear if you had asked your partner if she has a preference for, or was willing to try, the many things that need to be considered before walking.?