Walking with your spouse...dare to share...

[shefollowsshells]

I left behind a hubby and six young kiddos to walk the camino last year after a large influence in my life died suddenly of cancer. There was no time to plan hubby joining me and honestly he didn't have the massive desire to do it like I have had. I was glad to be on my own for my first Camino. When I saw young engaged couples walking the Camino together I thought what a gift for a couple to do together.

I wondered for those who have done it and can freely share was it as awesome as it seems?

My flight is booked for a very late March 2014 trip on the Camino full Frances...six months later God willing I will start in Le Puy with my three oldest children and do a Le Puy plus Frances with them.

We are entertaining hubby join me for my Frances to Leon...(due to work time constraints) and then
joining sons and me in Leon in the Fall to finish.

I was hoping couples who have gone can share some of their experiences and anything we should consider that might not be the obvious.

 

[Kiwi-family]

For us, walking together was a treasure we will carry with us forever. "We" were my husband and I, our eight kids (6-18) and my father-in-law (82). If you go in love any hardships can be overcome. "Others first" was our motto and it served us well. Actively seeking to be considerate of others (especially the oldest and younger members of the group) made us aware of their needs more quickly than we might have if we had been focussing on our own experience.
We didn't stay together at all times, but it became evident to us that Grandpa needed to be in the front to feel like he was not falling behind, so we made sure someone was always slower than him (communication was the key here - Grandpa sharing his feelings and us listening to him , genuinely listening even though we disagreed with him - he often strode off ahead of the group and was in no way in danger of being left behind! But we wanted to honour his perceptions and make him as comfortable as he could be).We would spread out and then stop and wait for everyone to catch up - last person to join those resting would be the one to say when they were ready to move on.
But that's all probably obvious. Sorry if it is!

I can imagine hat a solitary camino would be special - let me assure you a group one is also something very precious.

 

[Camembert]

My wife and I (both pensionados 62 and 65 years old -married for 15 years now ) walked this year May and June the caminho Portuges from Lisbon to Santiago. We made the complete journey in 35 days and walked about 20 kms a day.
We had a great time and a lot of fun together, enjoyed the complete trail and the finish in Santiago . We stayed some extra days f.ex in Lisbon, Coimbra ,Porto and Barcelos for some sight seeing and enjoyed every minute of our first caminho.
We loved to meet the locals and the pilgrims on our way.
A good preparation we made before so in fact there were no real surprises except for the landscape we passed and the people we met . I walk faster than my wife but never lost her out of my sight. We trained by walking a 250 kms long distance path the year before here in The Netherlands , carrying our backpacks and staying overnight in bed and breakfast houses.
Arriving every day my wife washed the cloths and I wrote our travelblog (sorry..in Dutch..but Google Translate gives you an idea how we enjoyed it)

http://nel-en-albert-op-pelgrimreis.reismee.nl

We are infected now by the camino so God willing, we will return next year to walk the camino Inglès and maybe we go on to Fisterre.

 

[Anniesantiago]

My experience was different.
I left a 15+ year relationship after walking the Camino.
I learned all about what I did NOT need, including that relationship.
We have remained good friends, however, and still occasionally do the Camino together.

 

[november_moon]

My husband and I will be walking part of the Camino Frances together in June. We travel a fair amount together and also apart, so we are good with either. We are both each other's first choice for travelling companion though. I know a lot of people walk the Camino without their spouses, but honestly in the planning process, it never occurred to me to do this without my husband. Walking the Camino was my idea, but when I told him I wanted to do it, he was in. He would have never chosen to walk the Camino on his own - I don't think the idea would have ever occurred to him, but once I told him about it, he thought it sounded like a good thing to do. After we get back, I guess I will let you all know if his opinion changes along the way

We have started our Camino training in earnest, and so far even the training portion is great - a goal we are working on together, getting in better shape, finding more places locally to hike - we have some wonderful parks in our county that we are now exploring, places we were unfamiliar with before. Even if we get nothing more out of the Camino than better fitness, exploration of local parks, and an interesting trip where we walk a lot and see some stuff, I think that the Camino will be worth the trip. Anything else we get from the trip will be gravy.

 

[cedarhollow03]

For my husband and I it was the best thing that we have done together. We walked the camino france from St. Jean to Santiago in June/July 2012. I can honestly say that it brought us closer and when one of us was down the other was the encourager. We have been married 18 years and we have always travelled well together, so there really was no reservations about doing this. We spent 6 weeks in Spain and I would do it all again. The only thing about the camino that wore on both of us was the sleeping/bathing arrangements. Too many people in my bedroom,

The experiences we shared together could never be explained to someone that wasn't there. Watching ants cross the road with wheat, laughing when the food that was ordered wasn't quite what we expected, talking with people from all over the world and listening to their stories, and yes experiencing the albergues.

We did see some couples breakdown during our walk, one couple the girl was sitting in the middle of the road crying, with her husband walking mad ahead of her. We saw them 3 times and it was pretty much the same all 3 times. A family unit of 4 that it looked like the teens had mutinied, the 2 kids were sitting on the steps going out of the city and the parent were about a 1/2 block away with the backpack thrown across the road. There were also couples that did fabulous and you could see that they were having the time of their lives. So, my advice would be to do what your heart thinks is best. Some families may not come out in good shape, some will come out better than ever.

Good luck!

 

[pollockce]

I walked with my husband this past May/June. At times, we would walk separately to be with our own thoughts or chatting with different fellow pilgrims. We would meet up and find our place.

To be honest, I hadn't considers the camino without him as it was our dream to do it together. I understand that the experience would be different if you did it solo but I liked having a built-in companion that I know I travel well with. We know how to support and push each other in active endeavors. Plus we will look back and relive these memories for years to come. We can't wait till our next one. Buen Camino!

 

[piogaw]

I left behind a hubby and six young kiddos to walk the camino last year after a large influence in my life died suddenly of cancer. There was no time to plan hubby joining me and honestly he didn't have the massive desire to do it like I have had. I was glad to be on my own for my first Camino. When I saw young engaged couples walking the Camino together I thought what a gift for a couple to do together.

I wondered for those who have done it and can freely share was it as awesome as it seems?

My flight is booked for a very late March 2014 trip on the Camino full Frances...six months later God willing I will start in Le Puy with my three oldest children and do a Le Puy plus Frances with them.

We are entertaining hubby join me for my Frances to Leon...(due to work time constraints) and then
joining sons and me in Leon in the Fall to finish.

I was hoping couples who have gone can share some of their experiences and anything we should consider that might not be the obvious.

Hello shefollowsshells,

Welcome to the forum.

Hopefully you will be able to convince hubby to join you for the camino. You will either enjoy the caminos with your husband and family and make your marriage stronger or, you will ended up killing each other???

Good luck and buen camino. God blessing on you and your family.

 

[DeadFred]

Laurie and I have 294 days before we leave St Jean . Our youngest son Andrew is coming with us . Laurie is a cancer survivor and we both survived 35 years of marriage together (most of it happily ) . Can't imagine not doing this without her . This adventure has us planning & training together and finding freshness in our relationship that had settled after years of raising 4 boys . Andrew being 25 and a very active guy isn't going to have much trouble getting along . Actually L & I were considering harnessing him and have him pull us up to Orission on that first day .

Sept 17 can't come soon enough for us ..

 

[volleyjanice]

My husband and I spent two weeks on the Camino this past August. We walked from St. Jean Pied de Port to Belorado, then due to injury bussed to Burgos for a farewell dinner with some of our camino friends. I walk faster than him and early on in our training my husband stated "There will be your camino, my camino, and our camino." We were both fine with that. I can't comfortably slow to his pace on a continual basis, nor can he speed up to mine all the time. Did we occasionally get frustrated with each other - certainly, but there is plenty of time to think things through and get over them before the next coffee break! We get annoyed with one another at home occasionally too! We feel no need to be joined at the hip the entire time so we could enjoy our shared adventure and experience some solitude, as well as the company of many other pilgrims. We did have one afternoon of adventure though that our fellow pilgrims shared in when Lance became lost one afternoon. Never truly lost since he was on the Camino the entire time, but he walked a further 10 kilometres past where the rest of us had stopped. Since neither of us have cell phones ("What?! No cell phones!" we heard over and over.) we had a few hours of uncertainly and stress until things sorted themselves out. It made for a great story and lots of laughing at the end of it all but it might be something to plan for...or not, it's all part of the adventure! One of the best benefits has been the time we spent and still spend out walking together at home. (I'm still usually slightly ahead though!)
Buen Camino!
Janice

 

[Thomas1962]

My wife walked the camino for the first time when she had a 4 month unpaid leave from her job, she left by herself, without me. This was in 2010. Initialy the idea was for 1-2 months, but in the end she stayed there for nearly the full 4 months. For me it was perfectly ok she did it on her own. My idea of a marriage is that it needs to be a base which gives you the strength, power and the possibility to explore life. It made me intensely happy to see her doing the thing which was so good for her. We decided then I that I would join her in my holiday, So for four weeks of these 4 months we walked together on the camino.

This is the situation since then. My wife keeps walking for a few months a year, in my holidays I join her. I love it! It fills me with joy when she is happy on the camino.
We do have the luck that we walk about the same speed & distance. Still, at some days we do walk apart to get to our own thoughts.

My wish is to walk from home to Santiago within a few years. This is something I need to do on my own, although my wife might join me for some parts.
For me it is such an important part of a marriage, freedom in a save space.

 

[Kathy F.]

I have limited experience on the CF but here's what I saw.
I saw as many couples fall apart as come together on the Camino.
The Camino focuses you. It strips everyone down to their bare essentials in many, many ways.
Do you like what you see when you truly see your partner's bare essentials?
Maybe yes, maybe no.
As I've told people before and continue to say, don't think of the Camino as simply a "Walking Holiday." It goes much deeper than that.
Kathy
PS - Please, no snarky remarks about "Bare Essentials."

 

[Noclue9571]

I loved walking alone and also walking with my husband. I learned more about myself walking solo and had more of an introspective experience. But it was nice to have the companionship of walking with my spouse also. Depends what kind of experience you want.

 

[Camembert]

My experience was different.
I left a 15+ year relationship after walking the Camino.
I learned all about what I did NOT need, including that relationship.
We have remained good friends, however, and still occasionally do the Camino together.

Because of the camino ?

 

[k-fun]

Walking the Camino hand-in-hand with my husband created a deepening in our relationship, which, after 38 years, was a surprise. The adventure created a shared experience, reawakened the child in us, and allowed us to see each other's uniqueness. We feel in love with each other all over again. Sounds gushy, but true.

 

[Kennedy1]

My wife and I talked about doing the Camino together back in 2011. A few weeks after the initial discussion she asked me if I would object to her walking it my herself. I was surprised by this request but supported her is this journey. I walk much faster than her and her reasons for walking were different then mine. She felt that in order to do her Camino her way she had to walk it by herself. My wife walked the CF in April/ May of 2012 by herself. She had a wonderful walk and enjoyed every moment of it. Both the good and the bad. I walked the CF in May/June of 2013 and had an amazing adventure. I think it was the correct decision for us to walk separately at that time. We have been happily married for 35 years. We are now talking of returning to the Camino in 2015 and walking together. We have not decided if we will return to the Frances or maybe try the Camino Norte. It will be a different Camino for both of us which ever one we chose.

 

[pilgrim b]

Two quarrelsome pilgrims been together for a long long time decided that they would do the Camino together (not all of it just from Leon). Very quickly we realised that walking at a different pace meant putting distance between us I followed behind about 50 to 100 metres we stopped at each Church and appreciated the peace together. She encouraged me I encouraged her especially with her nasty blisters (she was so very brave). When we lost sight of each other round a bend in the path or through a woodland area I would make the sound of a cuckoo, she would repeat the sound back so we knew everything was OK. The Camino always provides even for quarrelsome pilgrims together, or alone!

 

[jirit]

My wife and I walked the Camino Frances route together back in 2007 for the first time. We have since gone to walk the Via Francigena in Italy together and the Le Puy in France and sections of the Via de la Plata in Spain together

This said I walked the Camino Frances for a second time by "myself" and my wife just finished walking the same route by "herself".

I put myself and herself in quotations since it really means in the case "not with your significant other partner" but in reality as you know, you will end up walking with a new group of camino friends.

If I understand you correctly your husband will start with you in Saint Jean in March 2014 and walk with you until Leon. Later in the Fall you plan to return to walk this time from Le Puy to Santiago with your 3 sons and your husband will join you all again in Leon and together (you, your husband and your sons) you will walk to Santiago.

I think the walk from Saint Jean to Leon in March next year with your husband should be a very special shared experience.

But later in the Fall by the time your husband meets you in Leon, to walk with you to Santiago, you will have been walking for approximately 1 ½ months.
By then you will well into your third camino (this one with your sons, if I understand you correctly).

It is very possible that you husband may feel the odd person out when he joins you all in Leon. Your sons and you will have experienced much since leaving Le Puy and by the time your husbands arrives, you will have a different spin on things.

I have witnessed spouses join their partners mid way or near the end of their camino and seen the dynamics of that person's camino change completely.
One person has experienced much, and the other is newly fresh and inexperienced.
Sometimes the joining of both spouses is a wonderful shared experience and for others time not so much.
It can be like starting a book half way through, some pick up the storyline on the fly, other struggle to catch up

Regards

 

[Anniesantiago]

Because of the camino ?

Like I said, the Camino gave me time to think and to decide what I no longer needed in my life.
That relationship was one thing I was happier without.

 

[Rosemary Lyons]

I decided that I would walk the Camino and two weeks later my husband decided to walk as well. We have traveled together extensively in Latin and Central America but this trip came from a very deep place in me and for my husband it stared out as another opportunity to speak Spanish.
The very first day my husband lost the trail and we didn't find each for six hours. I learned that I could walk alone and trust in the Universe to provide and it did.
We walked for 38 days,sometimes together and sometimes alone and the finding each other or the meeting up would feel wondrous . We fought,had moments of silences,made love,and learned that although we could walk alone, walking together could be richer and more joyous than we imagined.
Six months later we have found a stronger,richer and happier joining. We choose each other.

 

[kmrice]

Walking the Camino hand-in-hand with my husband created a deepening in our relationship, which, after 38 years, was a surprise. The adventure created a shared experience, reawakened the child in us, and allowed us to see each other's uniqueness. We feel in love with each other all over again. Sounds gushy, but true.

Loved your post, which expressed a lot of what my wife and I experienced walking the Camino from SJPdP to Santiago this fall.

During the 38 years we've been together, a lot of things have sometimes reduced the attention we could pay to each other: work (even though we're in the same office), raising kids, caring for an aging and ailing parent, and so forth. While we did all those things together, it was wonderful to have five weeks where all of our attention was centered on each other. We walked together, ate together, prayed together, suffered together, cared for each other's feet together, and, attending Pilgrim's Mass in Santiago on the Feast of St. Francis, wept together. It reminded us of why we got together in the first place. The occasional break from the alberques, and the privacy of a bed and breakfast or inexpensive hotel, was wonderful, too.

That said, we're close enough in height and strength to make walking at the same pace effortless, and we're very compatible when it comes to talking or just walking. Without that, I would think even pretty strong bonds might be frayed.

Karl

 

[Camembert]

Like I said, the Camino gave me time to think and to decide what I no longer needed in my life.
That relationship was one thing I was happier without.

These things happen and so I read , I am happy for you you made up your mind !

 

[hecate105]

I never considered doing it without my husband! We chose to get married because we are committed to each other and want to spend our lives together. So cycling for 4 months along the Camino routes of Europe together was an honour and a pleasure. That said, we bickered constantly and occasionally had to resort to strong drink! But we do that at home too!
Recently he has worked abroad for 6 weeks and it was bl**dy awful being apart. So we are looking forward to spending the next 3 months in a tiny camper with our dog - it will be fabulous ('darling - repeat after me - fabulous...')

 

[LarryBC]

My wife (of 37 years) and I walked the Camino Frances together this Fall. An amazing experience for both of us and such a gift to be able to do it together. We generally walked together, but often I’d drop back to take photos and leisurely catch up or one of us would walk and chat with someone else we’d met.

Journeys like this are bound to have stress points and I think if your relationship is on rocky ground, it could shake it up with unpredictable outcomes. If you already have a solid relationship I think your relationship can only grow stronger.

I can see the allure of a solo walk. It gives an individual a chance to reflect and get clarity on issues like who they are, what’s important in life and where they’re going. For us, newly retired, with grown kids, we were able to reflect and gain clarity on this new chapter of our life together.

I remember asking this question out loud a few times during our walk: is there any place you’d rather be, anything you’d rather be doing, anyone you’d rather be doing this with? The answer was obvious: the Camino, with the love of my life -- it just doesn’t get any better than this.

Larry

 

[newfydog]

We do these Caminos together because it is the only time we can get along.

 

[Canucks]

We did SJPdP to Santiago this fall together and had a wonderful time and a great experience that we couldn't imagine doing otherwise.....actually, we both thought it would only be worthwhile doing it alone or with each other.....doing it with friends would be very difficult.
It was funny because the first day walking to Roncevalles we chatted with 3 women who said "we heard you should NEVER do this with your spouse!". We found that to be an odd comment. Within a week, their relationship (between the 3 women) was going through drama, and eventually fell apart...a cycle that we saw was repeated many times with social friends walking together.
We had no problems, but then we didn't expect any and it would have been shocking to do the trek with a concern like that hanging over our heads. YMMV depending on your relationship with your spouse, of course.

 

[MaxfromMO]

If your husband WANTS to do it with you then you will probably have the time of your lives together. If he THINKS he wants to do, it might still be the time of your lives. If he's doing it reluctantly, because YOU want him to do it with you, it COULD be a disaster. My husband and I were both bitten by the "gotta do the Camino" bug instantaneously. We trained, we planned, we purchased together, yet we each still did our own Camino, for our own reasons and we had an experience of a lifetime. Most of the time we weren't even walking side by side, yet because we were in it together, we made the Camino happen for each other. I was so glad we did it together. The only couple I saw have what appeared to be a problem, were young and unmarried. Maybe they were finding out things about each other that were always issues, but the Camino wouldn't let them ignore them anymore. The bottom line seems to be, you should do the Camino if you personally want to, walk your own Camino and let others, including spouses, walk theirs.

 

[MeganG22]

I walked a little over a year ago with my (ex)boyfriend. Our case was interesting... we started our travels in Ireland for a week before we were going to head to France to begin our Camino. While in Ireland, we decided that at the end of the our journey (which was 8 weeks away at that point) we would end our three year relationship. We walked some of the Wicklow Way in Ireland, completed our Camino in 32 days, and then spent week exploring other parts of Spain and Italy before heading back to California- where he left the following day.

Most people ask me how on earth we did that, knowing we were breaking up- didn't we fight and not want to be around each other anymore? And the truth is no, not at all. For me, the Camino provided all the healing I needed to get over him, while still having him there to support me through it all and vice versa. We talked openly and freely about our respective futures and honestly argued less than we ever had before. I am thankful I could share it with him- AND I cannot wait until the day I get to return and do the Camino on my own!

 

[ManyMiles2Go]

For my wife and I, it was the best experience ever! After watching the movie, The Way, we started planning our Camino as a 25th wedding anniversary to ourselves. Because of work, kids, planning, etc., it was about a year before we left for our journey. We started out by ourselves, but as the Camino goes, we met up with some of the most amazing people! My wife is the most beautiful person (inside and out) and I think it was mostly because of her that we "clicked" with so many different kinds of people. One night we stayed at a convent and they were going around the room having people introduce themselves, where they were from, why you were doing the Camino, and wanted everyone to sing a song from their country. I introduced my wife and myself, and told them we were doing this for our 25th anniversary. So they made me sing to her! My wife later told our family and friends she never saw me in such agony before, but she loved it! (I do not have a "singing" voice so singing in public was never on my bucket list )

A young Chinese girl took our picture as we were walking holding hands one day and smiling, said "true love" in the best English she could.

24/7 together for over a month and we only had one disagreement. That was back in St. Jean when we disagreed on which bridge Tom from The Way movie crossed. When we got home we watched it again and amazingly I was right for the first time in 26 years

I think we are closer now than we have ever bee and we are looking forward to another "walk" somewhere together.

 

[David]

The thing is, in places like Afghanistan and Iraq, when a married couple go off walking the woman always walks a few steps behind the man - and quite right too!

(there are still landmines there)

 

[madame_shepard]

My husband and I were bitten by the Camino bug after watching The Way. I knew it was something I wanted to do about half way through the movie and secretly googled information as the credits were rolling. I never imagined that he was thinking the same thing, but as soon as I got up the nerve to bring it up he was immediately on board and we purchased out plane tickets a few days later. We walked from SJPP to Fromista (he had only three weeks' vacation) in June, and will walk the second half in June, 2014. Although we've been happily married for 8 years, the Camino brought us even closer together. It was such a wonderful way to learn how much we could depend on each other. The memories that we share from this experience will last a lifetime. Although six months have passed, we talk about our Camino experience nearly every day and are looking forward to visiting some Camino friends this spring. For us, being able to share these memories provides a wonderful sense of connection.
I would add that we did lots of communicating about expectations before we left. I was very concerned that he would want to walk faster, further or more purposefully than I during the walk. I think that talking this out ahead of time really helped to make sure that we were on the same page when we began The Way.
Buen Camino!
Lisa

 

[Magnara]

We walked in Spain and then in Italy. The first time, 5 weeks before we left my husband badly injured his shoulder and had to have a reconstruction, serioius surgery. So I had to do up his bootlaces and cut up his meat and lift his pack for him onto his shoulders etc the whole way. It was fantastic for our relationship, we were so dependent on each other. It was also winter so it was just us, no other pilgrims, alone all day every day. I can see that it might bring any fault lines in a marriage into high relief, and we have had our good and bad times over the years, like anyone, but we found it brought us closer and the shared experience of the pilgrimage is amazing at the time and an amazing shared memory. (When you are alone in a foreign place in the dead of winter you also realise that it is smart to stay polite and respectful of each other!)
Maggie Ramsay
The Italian Camino (Amazon)

 

[Tia Valeria]

We have walked together and plan to do so again. It is part of our 'togetherness' of 45 years. I think that the Camino probably highlights the strengths or weaknesses in a marriage and am grateful that we are blessed by the strength and togetherness in ours. Carrying one another's burdens, sometimes quite literally.
Watching some other couples was why Terry started the old thread on Walking with a Companion, so it is good to see the ongoing sharing here.

 

[PMSLAW]

Written on 5th day SJPdP to SdC, April 30, 2013:
Day 5. A Good Marriage.
My Wife and I share a good marriage. She is a good person, I will not self proclaim my own character. A good marriage is not dependant upon whether or not the partners are good people, but rather upon the people being good partners. In this I am doubly blessed to have married a good person who is a good partner. This June we will take our marriage off of the shelf, admire and polish it for the 36th time.
We do not cast responsibility upon each other for our individual happiness, but we do find our relationship is a source of happiness. It is also a place where we find support in the others strengths and talents,... Refuge from our own weaknesses and shortcomings. One can not seek such support or refuge if there is fear of criticism or Judgment. Like I said, ours is a good marriage.
Many Pilgrims (Perigrinos) walk the Camino alone in order to examine their thoughts without distraction. With a good Partner one can better know one's thoughts by dialogue, two heads are indeed better than one! However, this is so only when there is absolute trust that the exchanges are free from criticism and Judgement.
In our "real" life, this depth of sharing is challenged by the daily distractions of work, finances, current events, and all of those things that comprise the background noise of life. I find that we shared today without the burdens of such distractions, we found strength and support, physical and emotional, in our partnership... that is LIVING. Have I said that I have a good Marriage?
Because I LIVED with my Wife today, I will admire our marriage just a bit longer and polish it with a bit more care before placing it back on the shelf for the 37th time.