Worried about my husband...

[senora1]

I've been wanting to do this for more than 10 years, and after my husband and I saw "the Way" it reinforced my desire to walk El Camino. Unfortunately he is a workaholic, altho he works for himself, he says he can't be gone for a month. Even tho he agreed to travel with me, I'm quite nervous because he's not commited to completing this. I know I could go alone, however I really feel this will be so good for us to do together. We plan to fly from San Diego to Paris 8/22, then fly to Biarritz, and train to SJPdP to begin 8/25. I'm getting both nervous and excited as its now a month away. Thanks for all the good posts, this forum has been so helpful! Looking forward to meeting fellow Peregrinos!

 

[Deleted member 3000]

I really feel this will be so good for us to do together

It certainly will be if you both want to walk it! Otherwise, be thankful for a husband who lets you do your own thing!

 

[vagabondette]

I am also self-employed and can't not work for a month so I'm bringing technology with which will allow me to keep the money flowing. Perhaps this is an option for him?

 

[senora1]

As a hands-on home inpsector/contractor, he really cant do his job from a distance, but I'm hoping he can just enjoy the month off, or I may have to put him on a train from Burgos, Leon....It is a self-imposed work issue, he really can afford to take the time off, but is so into running from one job to another he never relaxes..thats one reason I think the Camino will be so good for him. I'm sure there are other couples out there who have one partner more enthusiatic than the other, and I'm hopeful once we get on our journey he will be able to focus on that instead of our Southern California ratrace lifestyle!

 

[Cvtminch]

My husband isn't able to go for multiple reasons but is supportive of me going, as long as I have someone to go with. I am committed to doing this walk and was actually just at the St. James Cathedral last month on another pilgrimage (went by bus). Is it bad or could it be bad for married people to go without each other? Considering how everyone talks about the pilgrimage being a life changing experience? Would I regret not having him with me?

 

[nellpilgrim]

On my first long distance pilgrimage my husband had arranged to meet me after I arrived into Santiago.The thought of seeing him after 5 weeks absence put a real spring in my step for the last 100km of the CF (especially as he was bringing clean clothes from home!)
Though I think being without him, or indeed any other family member allowed me to focus on my own journey in a way that I might not have been able to do otherwise. Stephen encourages and supports all my pilgrim endeavours. So even if he doesn't actually walk with me I know he's with me in spirit. And wherever, or however far, I go I continue to find that he is my ever welcome journey's end-no small thing to know.

 

[Cvtminch]

What a great idea of having him meet me at Santiago - something wonderful to look forward to! You don't feel at all having this experience without him created any distance between you two?

 

[bklyntraveller]

For those of you worried about leaving your husband behind I think that even if he were with you this is an individual journey. It is easier to do it alone (and very safe). I found many couples or people traveling together actually walked separately because of their individual pace and the need for alone time. My husband and I will be celebrating 42 years of marriage in October, but he would not have enjoyed the Camino and thus it would have affected my journey. Thank God he has no qualms about me going off on my own. We had not been separated for such a long time before, but it was fine as long as I could email or phone him. I worried about him in case of a crisis being about 7,000 miles away (he might have worried about me too). Obviously we are not spring chickens (65 and 67 years young) so health is more of a concern at our age. Once I knew he would have a support system in place if needed I was fine. I was away 3 weeks but will be going back in September to finish what I started. If you have ever tried to take your spouse to a party, dinner or play that he did not want to attend you might get the same results on the Camino but for a very long period of time. Think carefully before encouraging him to join you unwillingly.
To: senora1 -who leaves from San Diego on 22AUG you can contact me at brigid1947@hotmail.com or at the Visitors Information Center on the Embarcadero tomorrow from 1-5 if you have any questions. My first name is Brigid-just ask for me. Even if I am on a break I won't be far away.

 

[skilsaw]

The Camino is a metaphor for life. This is the first challenge the Camino is offering you.
Your decision to go together, alone or not at all is something you will have to live with.
When I was young, there was a wall poster that said: "If you love someone (or something) let them go, and if they don't come back, they never really were yours"

Can you allow your husband to make his decision and you live with it?
Can your husband allow you to make your decision and live with it?

There is no right or wrong here. (Other than imposing your will on the other)

What sacrifice or compromise will one of you (or both of you) make?

Good Luck.
David, Victoria, Canada.

 

[KiwiNomad06]

My friend who owns a gite in France has seen quite a few people 'leave' the Camino, deciding it is not something they want to continue with. He says the most common reason would be when there is a couple, and one person wants to do it, and the other actually doesn't. After a while, the person who never really wanted to do it in the first place leaves the Camino, and their partner either has to carry on alone or leave as well.
Margaret

 

[Deleted member 3000]

Is it bad or could it be bad for married people to go without each other?

It depends. My wife would divorce me if I got all controlling and dragged her along against her will.

If one half of a couple becomes demanding and needy along the way, well, that won't work out well. If the couple can walk independently and be content with that, it will work out well; and by independently I mean as much as several days apart. Keep in mind that a day of walking takes less than thirty minutes in a taxi or on a bus, so you can be separated by quite some distance and still be "together" almost instantly.

My experience in this is walking with my brother. We get along extremely well, sharing the same political and social philosophy. However, we walk at different paces and like to walk different distances, so that can be quite irritating if we walk in lock-step. We have two cell phones and text mutual locations each evening. We rejoined once in Burgos to take the side trip to Santo Domingo de Silos together.

For me walking the camino is too individual to be done satisfactorily with someone else, at least in most cases. I was joined for the last nine days on my last camino by a childhood friend who has stayed in good condition. I had three weeks behind me, so was no longer hurting. Our paces matched very well because he was working his way through sore muscles and a couple of blisters. By the end, though, he was ready to sprint ahead. We had pretty much caught up on the reminiscences by then, so walking together probably had reached its limits. You might find the same syndrome with camino friends -- after a week, you each are ready to move on!

 

[katiawt]

My friend who owns a gite in France has seen quite a few people 'leave' the Camino, deciding it is not something they want to continue with. He says the most common reason would be when there is a couple, and one person wants to do it, and the other actually doesn't. After a while, the person who never really wanted to do it in the first place leaves the Camino, and their partner either has to carry on alone or leave as well.
Margaret

That´s not always true.
My husband and I walk together, always. Our first camino was very complicated and we decided to quit after long deliberatios and some "figths". In the beginig I wanted to quit and he didn´t, despite the fact that I was the one that really wanted to do the camino on the firs place.We walked from SJPP to Belorado.
Next yer we decided to give it another try and things went really much better . Since then we go almost every year. In october we will be walking our tenth camino.
I can say that walking the camino together, despite we have diferent ways to see and enjoy the camino, made us a much more strong and "accomplice" couple. We were in love then and we are in love now but we are very very good friens now, much more than we were 12 years ago. We are in our 60´s so you can see that we changed for better after 50´s, and the camino was very important in this.
If you are the kind of couple that enjoy being together, go together, give it a try and you may be really surprised.
I like to think that the camino changed my life but it was always more important to be with my husband cause he is and will always be my main camino.
Katia

 

[nellpilgrim]

What a great idea of having him meet me at Santiago - something wonderful to look forward to! You don't feel at all having this experience without him created any distance between you two?

Hi Cvtminch Yes it turned out to be such fun. Stephen arrived in Santiago a day or two in advance of me and as a result was able to show me all around town as he'd scoped out the best bars etc which was super. We also stayed at the posh Parador De los reis Catolicos and generally ate like kings for 3 days. This was so very different to the pilgrim life but I must say I enjoyed the contrast.... and the clean linen. That journey, and subsequent pilgrimages, haven't created any distance between us on the contrary I think they've strengthened our relationship.
As we grow older we seem to be developing a closeness that isn't necessarily dependent on us always doing things together (though we do many things together of course) I now actively encourage him to go off on solo jaunts (music and/or food/wine orientated) and enjoy when he comes back to share his impressions, photos, stories and especially his recipes with me And I know for a fact that he shows off to his friends about his 'old gal' just heading off into the wild blue yonder with with a pack on her back :lol: .

 

[mmm042]

Hi.

It's certainly O.K. to walk without your spouse, if that's what ends up happening. I've walked four times solo, and once with my husband. While we had a lot of fun together, the Camino did nothing for him spiritually. He was glad he walked with me, and glad to see the route that so inspires me, but when he'd finished he said he had absolutely no desire to do it again (nor a different route). For me, while it's always nice to be with him -- and luckily we enjoy similar paces and daily distances -- I felt like I couldn't do my normal thinking/praying/spirituality-seeking because I was constantly pointing out the way to go, or translating Spanish for him or just chit-chatting. So whatever happens in the end, you'll both be fine!

Melanie

 

[tyrrek]

Some lovely posts on this thread.

As your husband is a contractor he could consider involving his partners in his endeavour. I'm no businessman, but rather than just disappearing for a month he might engage with his clients and, for example, get their employees to give him a slip of paper with a prayer or other intention on it. He could say it for them on the Camino or leave it somewhere pretty along the way, and take a photo to show them their 'little bit of Spain'.

I obviously don't know the details of his work, but this kind of thing could form a link between work and Camino. Just an idea.

Buen Camino!

 

[fraluchi]

I've been wanting to do this for more than 10 years, and after my husband and I saw "the Way" it reinforced my desire to walk El Camino. Unfortunately he is a workaholic, altho he works for himself, he says he can't be gone for a month.

I've been a workaholic myself and one day my wife convinced me to become a walkaholic.
It's when you arrange your work requirements as well as you can, when you then leave for a month (which once a year should be essential for any workaholic !) you realize afterwards that nobody is indispensable and that many co-workers who may not do their work the way you would do it, often do it better!
From a distance one's daily occupations and worries look very different. Walking times and efforts on the Camino allow for taking a fresh look at what one had been doing, why one was doing it, analyze how one could do it differently. Nobody returns being the same after a long Camino to Santiago.
Take the decision, prepare well and go....!
Ultreya :!:

 

[Cvtminch]

Thanks for all the input on whether spouses should go together or not. I appreciate all your different experiences! Luckily, my husband is extremely supportive of all my decisions and will not hold it against me if I leave for a month to pursue this.

 

[Charleston Tom]

FWIW...I strongly believe that any attempt to impose one's will on another person severely damages a relationship. It would be terrific to experience the Camino with a willing partner. Just don't drag another person along who doesn't share a comparable level of enthusiasm.

 

[vagabondette]

I am also self-employed and can't not work for a month so I'm bringing technology with which will allow me to keep the money flowing.

Bear in mind that public access WiFi connections aren't exactly considered safe.

I don't know, if your work requires privacy, but if it does, then I suggest you look into VPN connections.

Be sure to change all passwords that you have used without VPN, when you get home.

If I were to work without a VPN, I'd have my wife change the relevant password each night, from a predetermined list.

Thanks. I've been working full-time from the road for years so I'm not too worried about it as I have it down. But it's a good reminder to others.

 

[Larazet]

I've been wanting to do this for more than 10 years, and after my husband and I saw "the Way" it reinforced my desire to walk El Camino. Unfortunately he is a workaholic, altho he works for himself, he says he can't be gone for a month. Even tho he agreed to travel with me, I'm quite nervous because he's not commited to completing this. I know I could go alone, however I really feel this will be so good for us to do together. We plan to fly from San Diego to Paris 8/22, then fly to Biarritz, and train to SJPdP to begin 8/25. I'm getting both nervous and excited as its now a month away. Thanks for all the good posts, this forum has been so helpful! Looking forward to meeting fellow Peregrinos!

"The Way" also inspired me although I have long wanted to do the Camino. The house we have retired to in SW France is on the chemin; another reason. I am doing to alone in May from our front door and now have the blessing of my husband who is very envious (potential hip replacement). I am now having to contain myself for nine plus months..... At the risk of becoming boring on the Camino subject. I am telling my friends and nobody has said I have 'lost it' yet! I surf trek gear websites, routes, google hostels, and have even made a pile of 'things' to put in the rucksack which I am still researching. My husband will drive to Santiago to meet me -it will be a very emotional greeting for all the right reasons. He advises we stay in the Parador again (we visited Santiago in May) and at that stage I knew I had to do the Camino - I have been summoned. Bit late in life, but hey ho!! Buen Camino, keep safe and happy on your journey.

 

[skilsaw]

Larazet said I surf trek gear websites, routes, google hostels, and have even made a pile of 'things' to put in the rucksack which I am still researching.

Here are the Canadian and American Meccas of all things trekking.

http://www.mec.ca/Main/home.jsp

http://www.rei.com/

When you are packing, remember the lighter your pack, the happier you will be.
I hope those 2 links work. Each one is good for an evening of browsing.

Buen Camino,
David, Victoria, Canada.

 

[Larazet]

Larazet said I surf trek gear websites, routes, google hostels, and have even made a pile of 'things' to put in the rucksack which I am still researching.

Here are the Canadian and American Meccas of all things trekking.

http://www.mec.ca/Main/home.jsp

http://www.rei.com/

When you are packing, remember the lighter your pack, the happier you will be.
I hope those 2 links work. Each one is good for an evening of browsing.

Buen Camino,
David, Victoria, Canada.

Thank you David, will stick to European sites to save on postage! BTW my browsing starts in bed when I wake up!

 

[senora1]

Thanks to all of u taking the time to share with me. He still doesnt have my level of enthusiasm for this venture, but a lot of times that happens and he ends being glad we did something, so Im hoping this will be the case once again. If not, possibly he will only walk part of a camino, and leave me to complete on my own. After being on this forum I am sure I wouldnt feel lonely even if I were alone! Gracias to all!

 

[Rebekah Scott]

I walked the first ten days of my first full-length Camino in 2001 with a friend. He disliked it very much, especially the albergues -- he referred to them as "animal sheds." He lasted til Logroño and went home.

The following year he went back to Spain, and walked from Burgos to Santiago on his own. The camino bug bit him. (He stayed in pensions, though!)

The year after that we got married. We volunteered as hospitaleros for the first time.

Five years after that first camino, we found a place along the Frances, retired, and moved to Spain permanently.

So even if your husband hates it, don´t let him spoil your experience. Men are fickle, you know! :lol: He might love it next year!

 

[Deleted member 3000]

Men get passive-aggressive, too. We have become so accustomed to the question that has only one answer, so is not really a question, that we build up a resistance to readily accepting good suggestions. When something becomes our idea, then the passive-aggressive response goes away. Rebekah has given the perfect illustration!

 

[tyrrek]

He disliked it very much, especially the albergues -- he referred to them as "animal sheds."

Paddy? Really? I can't imagine that at all.

Buen Camino!

 

[Rebekah Scott]

which shows you what a conceit it is, worrying over "authentic" caminos and pilgrims. Paddy (my spouse) still stays in pensions and hotels when he walks the camino... an agnostic chaperon to diocesan youth groups from England, and a listening ear for despairing Aussies and Americans who will only finish the camino if he walks with them. Despite his many weeks of volunteer hospitalero service, Paddy still thinks albergues are awful. He provides much kindness to pilgrims, invites them into the house off the street and cooks them dinners, even while wondering, after all these years, what the ---- this lunatic Santiago business is about.

He´s not what you would call a good pilgrim. He is a downright awful hospitalero sometimes. But still. Men are fickle, changeable, strange creatures. A good one is hard to find! But St. James was, we assume, one of those as well! He can help sort out yours, I´ll bet.

 

[Cvtminch]

What's the difference between an albergue and a pension?

 

[SabsP]

What's the difference between an albergue and a pension?

Albergue ( private, municipal or donativo ) or refugio : shared rooms / dormitories and a shared bathroom/ kitchen / outside area.
Like this one...
http://www.albergueanfas.org/img/Foto0023.jpg

Pension/ Hostal : private room with most of times en suite bathroom.
Like this one...
http://www.vegadevalcarce.net/ver_img.p ... 376322.JPG

 

[mspath]

What's the difference between an albergue and a pension?

Cytminch,

An albergue is a pilgrim lodging where you need a Credential or Pilgrim Passport in order to register and stay. Some are church related, others municipal and others private. Only in the private albergues can you make a reservation. At municipal and/or church albergues it is first come first taken. However some of these places have or know of 'hidden' backups, Ie another floor or adjacent out-building. Often hospiteleros will call around to help find you another affordable space.Thus finding a bunk in the busy season can be difficult. That's one reason I have always gone in autumn and winter. It may be cold but there are plenty of bunks! The fees in an albergue vary but generally average 10 euros per night although some are 'donativo' where you leave what you wish. Private albergues charge more. In all you sleep in a dorm and share sanitary facilities.

A pension is lodging open to all. No Credential is needed and reservations can be made. Usually by definition a pension offers both breakfast and dinner to guests. Rooms are generally private although sanitary facilites might be shared. Pension costs are higher than pilgrim albergues with a private room for 20 or more euros.

Hope this helps!

Buen Camino!

Margaret

 

[senora1]

Just an update....the night before we left to fly to Paris my husband (Ralph) asked me what can he do to make us not have to go through with this?? There was really only one answer, NOTHING, because I have to do it, and again explained that altho I really wanted him to come with me, and share this experience, I didn't want him to come if he was going to ruin it for me with a negative attitude. I was already so nervous...what if my feet or knees couldn't do this? what if we got sick/injured? what if I didn't have the stamina? and countless other concerns. That first night in St Jean I had insomnia and jetlag and only slept 3 hrs. That second day coming into Larrasoana we were still jetlagged, sore and tired, and I thought we missed the bridge and would have to backtrack, and started to panic...and then the rhythem of the camino kicked in for us I think. We had some really hard/sore/hot days walking long distances. We met some amazing peregrinos, saw some amazing scenery, met wonderful Spainards and on day 33 walked into the Cathedral in Santiago. The camino was the hardest and most rewarding experience for me.
I had suggested to Ralph that maybe he should just walk as far as the first big city with an airport and if he really hated this, get on a flt and go home. That way at least he would know what I'm experiencing, and I would feel he had tried. When we made the unscenic tour of the Burgos airport, I reminded him, he said no. Again in Leon, no. Part way thru the camino he said he'd never walk it again, but wouldn't mind doing it by bike with his sons. Since we've returned home, now he's telling everyone about the Camino, and saying maybe we should plan for our next one....
I want to thank Rebekkah for her encouragement, I told him ur story about boyfriend/husband not wanting to stay in those "animal sheds" and how now ur living along the Camino. We had wanted to stop by and say hi, but went thru Moratinos really early one am. In retrospect, I'm so glad I kind of forced him to go along, I know my husband and he would have hated to miss this! thx everyone

 

[newfydog]

wow!

Post of the month. Congratulations.

 

[senora1]

thx for that! also I do want to thx EVERYONE on this forum, it really helped me and guided me in so many ways, and now that I'm back, I still keep tuned in to see what new/old peregrinos are up to. Of course now I have returned a lot of friends/family who doubted my sanity have had to eat their words, cause I do feel changed since my Camino, can't really explain how, except stuff that use to bother me, like stupid insignificant things, doesn't now...And the friends who supported me, are really proud of me, and that feels good too. Thx Ivar y todos el grupo!

 

[Kiwi-family]

I really do feel joy for you. What a fabulous outcome.