Some on here might remember me from 2008, when I was planning my pilgrimage. I only got as far as Hunto before I gave up, and I’m still not sure I’ve forgiven myself for giving up so easily. But I got so scared. Ever since then, from time to time, I’ve felt the desire to walk the camino again but nothing has ever come of it. I’m simply terrified, yet I still long to do it. I can feel the pull of it.
I’ve been thinking, considering, doing it in September/October this year, but doing it my way. I’d send my bag ahead every day, and only carry a lighter pack with water, food and my camera. Because I really want to bring my real camera (a Nikon D90) and not a small point and shoot. I don’t think I’ll walk this more than once and I want the best images I can get to remember it. And I’d be staying in hotels the entire way. I’ve even made up a plan where I can stay at hotels for every stage of the walk. I’d be starting in Pamplona, instead of St Jean which is the “official” starting place, to eliminate the strenuous walk across the Pyrenees. I’ve been thinking of just doing a week, but it’s not enough. To me that would be failing, which is ridiculous, but that’s the way it is. It’s all or nothing.
But even when I modify it to more fit my needs, it still scares me. I’m afraid of failing again. I’m afraid it will be too overwhelming, that my feet will hurt too much and that I won’t be able to do the distances I’ve planned. I’m afraid I’m going to spend the entire trip crying, which is what happened last time. I’m afraid I’m going to be homesick, that my body will hurt, that I’ll get sick.
Last time I was also very stressed and anxious. I felt nauseous because of this and threw up a lot. I’m afraid I’ll spend five weeks being anxious and hence be miserable the entire time. Because I’m afraid of new situations. The camino would pretty much be five weeks of new situations each day, and I’m not sure how well I’d be able to cope with that.
Of course, there’s also the possibility that I’m worrying needlessly. But knowing myself, and knowing what happened last time, I know that I will be afraid a lot. I just, don’t know what to do. Because on the one hand, I want this so much, but on the other the mere thought terrifies me and makes me not want to do it.
But, I really do think I'd benefit greatly from doing it. I'd learn to handle all those fears, and if I made it, it would be an incredible boost to my self-esteem. I'd get to improve my spanish and meet many new, wonderful people. I think, maybe I should do it just because I am so afraid of it.
So, some random questions based on all this…
When, if you were, were you afraid on the camino? How do you deal with it?
Just how much do your feet hurt?
How difficult is it?
How long does it take before it gets easier? A week? Two weeks? Does it ever get easier?
Sorry about the long post. I just don’t know who else to talk to about this… no one seems to understand, and I get that, it is somewhat of a crazy idea, really...
Hilda