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Going separate ways on camino?

SherlyC

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
First time Camino in 2018 September
#1
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
 

Marbe2

Active member
Camino(s) past & future
2015 SJPD to Burgos
2017 Leon to Santiago
Pamplona to Santiago Mar. 2018
Burgos - SCDC (Oct 18)
#2
This, IMO is not the way to start your camino.
If you are uncomfortable, now, with the circumstances why don’t you be honest with her before you start.

Also trying to walk with someone who may have a different pace or rhythm or a different level of fitness is not a good idea! That in itself is a good reason to walk alone!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Frances, autumn/winter; 2004, 2005-2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015
#3
Remember
“The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”
– Henry David Thoreau,
Walden, 1854

and/et

" Jamais je n’ai tant pensé, tant existé, tant vécu, tant été moi-même, si j’ose ainsi dire, que dans les voyages que j’ai faits seul ou à pied. "
Jean Jacques Rousseau
Les Confessions, 1782, livre IV
 
Camino(s) past & future
Santiago to Finisterre to Muxia 2013
Camino Frances May 2015
Camino Frances July 2017
#6
Ouch Sherly, that's a nasty situation. I totally agree with @SabineP ,a month (assuming you're walking from SJPdP) is a long time to put up with someone on the Camino. Even with genuine friends who I like, last year I said before we set off that if anyone felt things weren't going as we wanted we should be free to take our own way without any hard feelings.

The fact that your "friend" sprang the affair thing on you after arrangements were made gives you more than fair reason to go your own way. In my view it is she that should feel guilty about getting you tied up in her affair, not the other way round.

Hope it all works out. For all the wonderful things about the Camino, I realise, certainly for me, that the Camino is at it's core a fairly selfish endeavour, no-one else really benefits from you traipsing across Spain. Having said that the side effects and ripples can be and very often are incredibly positive for those around you.

Buen Camino,

Rob.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Frances (1989 and 2016), Portugues - from Porto (2018)
#8
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
It hasn't happened to me, personally, but I've witnessed it. Anyone who has watched "The Camino Documentary: Six Ways to Santiago" has seen it, too. One of the six stories they follow is of a mother who is walking with her child and brother. Half way through she decides/discovers that her brother's style of pilgtimage is not compatible with hers, so they separate from that point.
 
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Jan_D

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Aragones (2011)
Frances (2012)
Norte (2013, 2014)
Hospitalera (2014)
Portugues (2017)
#9
Ha! The camino magic has already started! ;) You set your intention to grow and learn more about yourself, and now here you are, presented with a big opportunity right off the bat. The fact you feel so guilty and conflicted about this maybe indicates that maybe you're not used to prioritising your own needs. As others have said, you need to be honest with your 'friend'. There's no need to apologise for your feelings. Tell her you want to walk alone. If she is serious about walking the camino for personal reasons, then she won't mind you going your separate ways.

However if she's upset by what you have to say, then maybe it's better to 'break up' with her now rather than on the camino. You don't want your camino experience to be tainted with feelings of conflict, guilt, and resentment, or constantly thinking about ways to 'escape'. You also need to give her the chance to cancel her plans if needs be (she only made this decision a few days ago, so it's hardly likely to cause a huge disruption. Confrontation is tough, but it can be liberating if done in the right spirit. Be brave! And have a fabulous camino!
 

KinkyOne

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
I'am not perfect, but I'm always myself!!!
#10
Hi, Sherly,

I think you don't really have to be honest with your friend, first you have to be honest with yourself and then you'll know what to do. Plenty of options in this situation that could work just fine but I kinda decline towards those mentioned above.

Anyway, Buen Camino and Ultreia!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances: September 24 - October 31 (2015); February/March (2019)
#11
I have a saying that came to me years ago—if you’re not willing to take the seventh step, don’t take the first. What it basically means is that if you can see where a logical path is headed and you don’t want to go there, then don’t start down that path. In your case, I wouldn’t start walking with your old friend and I’d let her know that. If she still plans to walk on her own, you could offset starts by a week or two. Chances are you’ll never see each other. If you do, you’re just two ships passing in the night. It is easier to separate on the Camino than you’d think.
 
Camino(s) past & future
El Norte 2016
#12
I
This, IMO is not the way to start your camino.
If you are uncomfortable, now, with the circumstances why don’t you be honest with her before you start.

Also trying to walk with someone who may have a different pace or rhythm or a different level of fitness is not a good idea! That in itself is a good reason to walk alone!
I doubt that she actually wants to spend time with you, so why don’t you become the adult and say grow up, make your own excuses, have your own life and walk away.
 

Snoopy99

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances, Via Pondiensis (till Chaor)
next Caminho Português
#13
It should be your Camino. Maybe you can spend the night together and during the day everyone goes his own way at his own pace. You certainly have mobile phones and can call you if you need to. I ran my first Camino without Spanish language skills and only a little English. It was no problem. If you are willing, you can also talk with your hands and feet. Maybe you should talk about it.
B.C.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Plan to walk around 2022
#15
[QUOTE="SherlyC, post: 663271, member: 72576] What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle [/QUOTE]

This snippet suggests to me that you tend to take your responsibility to other people very seriously. That’s not a bad thing, but there are times when it’s ok to let people take responsibility for themselves instead. Your ‘friend’ now has another ‘friend’ to help her along regardless of her lack of English and Spanish. And I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about in wanting a Camino of integrity and authenticity. Go your own way, and let your friend go hers. The Universe will provide each of you what you need.

Buen Camino
 

Jeff Crawley

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
Contemplating yet another "final" camino
Porto to SdC May 2019
#16
I had somebody "invite" themselves along once. It didn't totally spoil the Camino but it wasn't the experience I'd hoped it was going to be - hence repeat trips since then.

Sometimes you have to be self-centred and, literally, go your own Way.

If the three of you DO end up setting out together I'd be surprised if the other two didn't break away to do whatever very quickly indeed.

Personally I'd tell her that you need to experience the Camino solo - lie if you need to, we'll forgive you ;)
 

MichaelB10398

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Le Puy to Santiago de Compostela, Lourdes to SdC, SJPP to SdC
#18
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
The Camino is a unique experience. Immediately set some rules with your old friend. Some ideas to think about - we will walk at our own pace and this may mean that we do not walk together. We may set times and places to meet each other or we may not. We recognize that each of us may have very different ideas about the Camino. We recognize that walking separately does not affect our love and appreciation for the other. Then state some of your ideas and desires for your Camino - that you may want to be alone to contemplate and think about...whatever you want to think about; that you may want to spend time in prayer at cathedrals and churches along the way; that you have long prepared for this Camino and you are looking for new experiences and to meet new people.

If you need to be blunter with her - then express your dismay at feeling like you are being used by her to have an affair or fling while on Camino; that you may prefer to not be around when he is around. Her lack of language skills is not your problem. I suspect it will not be a big problem for her either - however, it will be a learning experience. She needs to be responsible for her own Camino.

In the USA we have a saying that there is more than one way to skin a cat. You can handle this situation in different ways and you will know the best way to explain yourself. Buen Camino
 
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Camino(s) past & future
CF April 4- May 12, 2018
CP April 2019
#19
I’m with trecile this “friend” doesn’t sound like a friend. You’ve planned for 2 years and 1year 11 months 2 weeks later major change to plan? NO NO NO!!! This is your Camino. Please don’t let this woman high jack your walk. Settle it now so you can embark on your journey with a clear mind and joyful heart. BUEN CAMINO!
 

truenorthpilgrim

"Adventure is Worthwhile" - Aesop
Camino(s) past & future
C. Frances (2016)
C. Finesterre (2016)
#20
Hi Sherly,

Really take a BIG pause and think hard about this. The camino is a special place and most of us go to reset and recalibrate. Some to escape and that's also great. BUT...you are not responsible for her life, her life choices, or creating space for her drama. Even your language is "but I feel guilty". Reread your original post as there are some major red flags. She invited herself, she sounds like she's deep inside her own mess (I have no judgements around this but, it's hers-not yours). She actually doesn't sound all that considerate and you're not even on the camino yet! Also, you stated "what if we aren't compatible on the camino?"...you don't sound compatible even before the camino. You have every right to "un-invite" her...which is ironic because you actually never invited her!

Six years ago I traveled to India and initially it started out with a friend. Very quickly I realized that a) I didn't find her easy to be with-especially in a new country b) I needed SPACE and c) this was my damn journey to begin with. I don't necessarily regret her coming along (actually, thinking back she asked if she could come along my adventure)...as I was scared to death to travel to a country I'd never been-India is intense! About 3 weeks later I told her I wanted to travel alone.

Best of luck! The camino will be a journey into of itself and you don't want to muddy it up. It can be a solitary journey, but you also don't get a lot of time by yourself, either.
 
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Camino(s) past & future
(2009): Camino Frances
(2011): Sevilla-Salamanca, VdlP
(2012): Salamanca-SdC, VdlP
(2014): SJpdP-Astorga
(2015): Astorga-SdC
(2016) May Pamplona-Moratinos; Sept.:Burgos-SdC
(2016): August/Sept: Camino San Olav (Burgos-Covarubbias), Burgos-Sarria
(2017): May: Portuguese; Sept: Pamplona-SdC
#24
You are being used. She wants to have a long vacation with her lover, and you are her alibi at home. You will be the 3rd wheel on the wagon...

The Camino itself is such an adventure that you should pay full attention to yourself while you are on it.

Buen Camino with new friends you will find on your Way.

Edit:

...But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.
She needs a therapist. She has chosen you. She will fill your days with her problems. Do not let her. Do not let her ruin your Camino..
 
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gypsy9

Active Member
#25
Ah so much advice and wisdom here...this is the result of walking these ancient pilgrimage routes

Camino magic

Firstly, thanks for sharing your story—especially as you’ve been anticipating this special journey for two plus years

Hmmm I don’t believe anyone invites themselves...as it takes two people for this to happen—

Such a situation needs to be nipped in the proverbial bud—

Such self invitations can readily be reverted (neutralised/reversion/uninvited)—

at the time it is best to step into your truth...
“Actually planning to walk this on my own”. Kind of reply....
Of course this is hindsight—best be honest now as others have suggested:

“Upon reflection I’ve decided that...

Wish your friend well—we don’t need judgment, just what feels true for us

Good luck
Good Way
 

Isca-camigo

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Various ones.
#28
You don't even have to do anything, she has invited herself along but has she actually prepared herself physically? Chances are she's in for a shock and won't want to go on repeating it day after day, and for the bit on the side he will probably feel the same, their interests will lie elsewhere and it won't be going through the stages with you. If they do hack, it doesn't mean they will want to stay with you, they will be on their own adventure and 3 might be a crowd.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Francé 2005; 2016
Inglés June 2017
del Salvador Sep 2018
Primitivo Oct 2018
#29
High SherylC - for me it sounds as though your Camino has already begun, with this dilema. As you're asking for advice, I would say that its your Camino, no one should be allowed to hijack it for personal and selfish reasons, but you have something to learn for yourself from this experience. I find it remarkable what pops-up before, during and after Camino, all a part of the learning and growing. Perhaps this is the same for you, there's something in this which is unique and special to you, even if its difficult. This is your first Camino, and it is already looking as though its going to be special in many ways for you.
Yes, I met a young woman at an alberque who needed to talk to someone, and I happened to be around: her fiancé had been treating like an absolute ####! and finaly dumped her half way through the CF without so much as a by-your-leave - the suspision being that he'd met someone along the way. Our paths crossed again in Santiago and the whole experience had done her the world of good and she felt renewed.
Its your descision, your Camino, and always expect the unexpected at any time and some wonderful experiences. Love, Light & Nature to you along the Way.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances (2013)
#30
If the three of you DO end up setting out together I'd be surprised if the other two didn't break away to do whatever very quickly indeed.
You don't even have to do anything, she has invited herself along but has she actually prepared herself physically? Chances are she's in for a shock and won't want to go on repeating it day after day, and for the bit on the side he will probably feel the same, their interests will lie elsewhere and it won't be going through the stages with you. If they do hack, it doesn't mean they will want to stay with you, they will be on their own adventure and 3 might be a crowd.
Exactly. So why even let it get that far. Nip it in the bud right now, and enjoy the rest of your preparations.
Best wishes ......:):):)
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Francis, Fall 2016
#31
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
Dear friend, you are over thinking the situation. Simply put, be honest with your so called friend and tell her that it has been and is your intention to walk the CF solo . . . and why. If you choose to be nice about this, you stand to crater your plans and your trip. DON'T allow that to happen, stick with your plans and I promise, you will have an extraordinary, transformative experience. Rover
 

domigee

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
CF(x4), Fisterra/Muxía(x2), VdlP, Jerusalem, VF, Walsingham,
C inglés. 2019? Who knows! ;-)
#33
Before I walked my first Camino I told an old friend about what I was going to do, and her first reaction was "I want to go with you!" I flat out told her that I was going alone, that was part of the appeal to me - to get outside my comfort zone, and navigate the Camino on my own.
I did the same! :D (and still do ;))

On a serious note... @SherlyC Please consider all the above answers to your post... They all said it much better than me but much the same as what I think: get out of it, now! Really. From where I stand, it spells disaster! You don’t deserve that.

And .... enjoy walking the Camino :)
 

SherlyC

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
First time Camino in 2018 September
#34
Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for sharing your insights and experiences and wisdom! Really amazing how much you all care about my trip and sincerely wishing well for me. I really can't thank you enough!

I read all of your comments and thought about it all day today. My friend's flight is booked (long distance, she's flying 12 hrs from Asia) and I've already booked the short flight Paris-Biarritz for her (some days before she told me about the lover). I think this is what i'll do:

I will not let her or her situation influence me. I will remember that she does not have that much importance in my life. She is just a visitor to the camino, and a passerby too. We will start the journey together catching up on old times, but I will just treat her as another peregrina passing by. I speak many languages, so i'll freely engage with others and make new friends as I go. And if I feel any moment that her presence or behavior is bothering my camino, I will tell that to her clearly and go separate ways.

As @Isca-camigo mentioned above, I have a feeling that she physically won't be able to do the camino very long. She is not trained at all. She doesn't hike nor does long walks. And she just bought a new pair of hiking shoes last week. I'm guessing that within a week she'll change plans.

Thanks again so much for all your lovely concerns. If I could, I would like to give you all a big hug!
I'll make sure to give an update later during the camino. :D
 
Camino(s) past & future
Planning stage Camino Frances from SJPdP (Sept. 2019)
#37
Hi SherlyC
So glad you have made a decision that feels right for you. I know everyone here sends you heartfelt Buen Camino! If you get a moment let us know how your Camino unfolds!
 

SherlyC

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
First time Camino in 2018 September
#38
High SherylC - for me it sounds as though your Camino has already begun, with this dilema. As you're asking for advice, I would say that its your Camino, no one should be allowed to hijack it for personal and selfish reasons, but you have something to learn for yourself from this experience. I find it remarkable what pops-up before, during and after Camino, all a part of the learning and growing. Perhaps this is the same for you, there's something in this which is unique and special to you, even if its difficult. This is your first Camino, and it is already looking as though its going to be special in many ways for you.
Yes, I met a young woman at an alberque who needed to talk to someone, and I happened to be around: her fiancé had been treating like an absolute ####! and finaly dumped her half way through the CF without so much as a by-your-leave - the suspision being that he'd met someone along the way. Our paths crossed again in Santiago and the whole experience had done her the world of good and she felt renewed.
Its your descision, your Camino, and always expect the unexpected at any time and some wonderful experiences. Love, Light & Nature to you along the Way.

[QUOTE="SherlyC, post: 663271, member: 72576] What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle
This snippet suggests to me that you tend to take your responsibility to other people very seriously. That’s not a bad thing, but there are times when it’s ok to let people take responsibility for themselves instead. Your ‘friend’ now has another ‘friend’ to help her along regardless of her lack of English and Spanish. And I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about in wanting a Camino of integrity and authenticity. Go your own way, and let your friend go hers. The Universe will provide each of you what you need.

Buen Camino[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your comments @Michelle Menhennet and @Redhead Keith - you both are absolutely right! I already had my first lesson before I actually started walking the camino. I'm really excited about how this trip will unfold, and will stay open to learn and grow more during and after the camino.
 
Camino(s) past & future
(2009): Camino Frances
(2011): Sevilla-Salamanca, VdlP
(2012): Salamanca-SdC, VdlP
(2014): SJpdP-Astorga
(2015): Astorga-SdC
(2016) May Pamplona-Moratinos; Sept.:Burgos-SdC
(2016): August/Sept: Camino San Olav (Burgos-Covarubbias), Burgos-Sarria
(2017): May: Portuguese; Sept: Pamplona-SdC
#40
...I will not let her or her situation influence me. I will remember that she does not have that much importance in my life. She is just a visitor to the camino, and a passerby too. We will start the journey together catching up on old times, but I will just treat her as another peregrina passing by. I speak many languages, so i'll freely engage with others and make new friends as I go. And if I feel any moment that her presence or behavior is bothering my camino, I will tell that to her clearly and go separate ways.
Good.

Remember, (here's from an oldtimer); you will meet many kind people on your Way. Some of them may become lifelong friends. You will meet people that share something special with you: Walking the Camino. Hopefully you will find people to share a meal with, cook together, drink some wine with, have fun, share stories, etc. The Camino is full of people with a high potensiale of becoming your true friends. You may not understand it now, but you will, somewhere along the Way, later.

I suspect you are from the US?, and if so, you have invested a lot of time and money for your adventure: Let noone ruin it for you! Just walk away. At sea (I am a sea captain) we have a saying: "If you are in doubt, act as if there is no doubt". It has saved a lot of lives, and it will save your Camino.

Hope to see you: I walk out of Pamplona the 26th, if all goes well.

Edit: I spend time writing this because I want your (very first) Camino to be as meaningful and as good as it has been for so many of us.
 
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Camino(s) past & future
Frances planned for October 3-mid November (2018)
#41
Your gut is telling you the answer - you wrote: "I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well."

I had a female friend, not extremely well known to me, who wanted to "start" with me once she learned of my plans. She began to change her mind about many things almost immediately, always trying to change things - dates, flights, etc. I've never swayed from my original plan. Her latest change in plans is that she is now hoping to "end" the last 2 weeks with me. I have no idea exactly where I'll be or if I will even want a companion at that point. I planned it as a solo adventure from the beginning because in my heart of hearts it is what I want. I recently met with her again for a short day hike and realized that I really want to walk my camino "solo". I have essentially told her the truth - I'm using the time for myself and my own spiritual enlightenment, therefore, there is no way I can plan to meet up. Buen Camino and best of luck!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Francés ('14/'15)
St Olav/Francés ('16)
Baztanés/Francés ('17)
Ingles ('18)
#42
Sherly, coming late to the conversation, but just wanting to suggest you set really strong boundaries at the outset. Once you meet physically it will be harder to disentangle yourself. Even if the Camino were not part of the equation, this situation is way too weird for words and you don't want to be mixed up in it.
Everyone else's words of advice are spot on.

What @BucketBabe has done in her situation is very wise. So here's a word of encouragement to set out your concerns, expectations, and intentions very clearly in writing before you meet. You can be kind, but firm.
No need to mention any feelings about being used as an alilbi, but if I were in your shoes I'd use the invitation of the 'friend' as a way of easing myself out of the arrangement. You need have NO worries about her language skills or lack of them. So many people walk the Frances from so many places - she'll likely be fine. And there is the 'friend' who can presumably take care of her if not.

May you have a buen camino!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances (Sept 2014)
#44
I advise any pilgrims who are thinking of walking together to openly talk about what each would expect of the others if some unexpected events occurred on the Camino. What is one person is injured and needed days to recover - would everyone stop? If one person wants to ship their pack and get tied down to nightly destinations, what do they expect of the others? If one person is prioritizing communal meals and spiritually-motivated albergues which don't take reservations, and the other prioritizes snore-free privacy and laundry service, is the plan to compromise or split up at night and some days? IMHO the answer does not matter. The important thing is to begin talking early enough that the option to split up is seen as a natural possibility, rather than some kind of failure or disloyalty. My husband of 40 years and I walked our first Camino of 45 days together. However, before leaving Canada we agreed to pack as if one of us might drop out (we usually would share certain things when we travel, like first aid kits and two phone chargers). You could begin conversations now that reflect the expectation that the two of you will start together and wish each other well, but each of you should approach the journey in a way that keeps your freedom. Maybe ask her what translator app and accommodation guide she plans to have on hand for those times when what the Camino wants to give each of you turns out to involve separation.
 

Syncro

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Francais
#45
Yikes! I would address your concerns with her immediately. By the way you share the story, she invited herself on your journey and then invited her lover without even asking you. A bit of a presumptous taker IMO. It sounds like you have very different motivations for doing this trip. I would convey your concerns now vs later. People can handle the truth. She sounds like negative karma.

If you decide not to address this with her and you later find you wish she didn't join you, please know: it is very easy to not walk with someone and it is not considered rude as your paces might simply be different. You can walk ahead or behind, start later or earlier. You might run into her/them at common albergues, but it likely won't be everyday. There are soo many wonderful people on The Camino that you do not have to let this woman/man sour your experience. Plus, she might just be the one to ditch you! I think once you start walking The Camino, the magic of The Camino will put you on the right path regardless....just wait and see! :) And people come from all over the world to walk The Camino and language is not a problem...everyone figures it out. Plus, apps like "google translate" make it easy to communicate a across a number of different languages.

Buen Camino!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Francé 2005; 2016
Inglés June 2017
del Salvador Sep 2018
Primitivo Oct 2018
#46
Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for sharing your insights and experiences and wisdom! Really amazing how much you all care about my trip and sincerely wishing well for me. I really can't thank you enough!

I read all of your comments and thought about it all day today. My friend's flight is booked (long distance, she's flying 12 hrs from Asia) and I've already booked the short flight Paris-Biarritz for her (some days before she told me about the lover). I think this is what i'll do:

I will not let her or her situation influence me. I will remember that she does not have that much importance in my life. She is just a visitor to the camino, and a passerby too. We will start the journey together catching up on old times, but I will just treat her as another peregrina passing by. I speak many languages, so i'll freely engage with others and make new friends as I go. And if I feel any moment that her presence or behavior is bothering my camino, I will tell that to her clearly and go separate ways.

As @Isca-camigo mentioned above, I have a feeling that she physically won't be able to do the camino very long. She is not trained at all. She doesn't hike nor does long walks. And she just bought a new pair of hiking shoes last week. I'm guessing that within a week she'll change plans.

Thanks again so much for all your lovely concerns. If I could, I would like to give you all a big hug!
I'll make sure to give an update later during the camino. :D
Hi SherlyC - you've worked out a sensible way through this - would it be an idea to watch your friend in an objective, detached way, as closely as you wish, rather like someone who works with a lot of people - doctors, therapists, etc, who listen and respond, then move on without burdening themselves with someones problems. You really don't want to 'lose sleep' over ths, do you. In my humble opinion, I think your friend is on Camino for special reasons she may not even be aware of, yet. And you have a role to play in this, in your own special way. I suspect you are a good listener (?) Your friend sounds as though she is searching for something, is unhappy and seeking another path, and this is her chance. I can't be sure, this is just hypothetical, but a lot of people go on camino or whatever for just such reasons, to search for answers and a renewal to their life, an alternative to what they have. Either that or they may simply be selfish and self-centred and still in search of more meaning to their life. But she needs to be there too, and even if she doesn't complete the CF, there may well be good things for her to find, and she may go back one day to complete the Camino. And I hope something good comes from the experience for you, too. Best wshes and good luck.
 

SherlyC

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
First time Camino in 2018 September
#47
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
 
Camino(s) past & future
Francés ('14/'15)
St Olav/Francés ('16)
Baztanés/Francés ('17)
Ingles ('18)
#48
I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
Well, perhaps you were looking forward to seeing the person she used to be, when you were closer?

It's natural that you're feeling a bit sad; but it's the best possible outcome. You communicated what needed to be said and she was the one who chose to back out. And you've been a much better friend in saying the hard truth than you would have been by being 'nice.' Her strong reaction to your honesty is her business, and it shows how thin the eggshells are that you would have been trying to tiptoe over.
But now, having done the right thing, you'll be able to walk unencumbered by all that complication.

Buen camino, Sherly!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Santiago to Finisterre to Muxia 2013
Camino Frances May 2015
Camino Frances July 2017
#49
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
That is a bit of a shame but I suspect a blessing, an undisguised one at that.

The Camino can put a real strain on realtionships, even good ones. The combination of being together every day for a month, lack of sleep and potential physical discomfort is a heady cocktail, get the chemistry just right and it can be an incredible bonding experience, get it wrong and you'll find yourself wanting to kill people. Even in the former scenario I found myself on a couple of occasions getting really angry (an emotion I very rarely feel and even more rarely express) with my companions.

I hope by the end of your Camino you'll come to feel you made the right decision.

Buen Camino,

Rob.
 

Isca-camigo

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Various ones.
#50
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
For her you are probably too cold and direct, she has not started the process of building the determination and resolve, which you have, to complete the 800km. I understand the sadness, I have had a similar situation to yours, but I actually walked with the person, and there lies a story which the detail shall remain of this site, but it was full of everything, joy, happiness, blessings, resentment, anger. The difference for me was that my companion had walked the CF previously so knew the drill, I would have been sad to have blocked him totally, but in the end the Camino turned for me to frustration, resentment and anger. It's good you feel sadness for old friends in this way but there is a good chance the camino might have turned out in a bad way.
 
#53
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
Hola Sherly

As mentioned several times in this thread the Camino can be a vey special place.
Many pilgrims have the sensation afterwards that what they experienced had some profound impact on their life and it may also have on your life.
I think that the reason and intention that lies behind one walk is a big part of the impact it may have.
Not seldom pilgrims states that there were issues or problems in their life that lead them to walk a Camino.
Often pulgrim state that once they were on their way all their worries and doubts transformed by the simple life, walk/wash/eat/sleep and the positive and friendly companionship that they meet on the Camino.
I normally say to anyone who are about to go on their first Camino; focus on getting to your starting point, go slow the first week and take it a day at the time. Things will sort themselves out.

When I read that your old friend had written that you are to cold and direct it make me a bit sad.
Anyone who would recieve those words would be sad and it would impact on ones state of mind.
Clearly she has said it in emotional affect and which is fine but see it for what it really is; something about her rather than something about you.

Until your departure focus on your own reasons for your pilgrimage and remember that it is a special opportunity to be whoever you want to be, engage with strangers that are sharing the same experience as you and a time to stay in the now.

Noone knows the future and maybe you are your old friend in the future will walk a Camino together.
But right now it is not what you are preparing. Focus on what lies ahead and in a few weeks it is guarantied that you will have a new perspecitve on what has happened. :)

Buen Camino
Lettinggo
 

Anamiri

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances
#54
From an outsider perspective, this is a woman plotting to take her lover on a trip, and expecting you to be an alibi/accomplice. With no care that this is a trip you have been planning for yourself for a long time. She likely saw you as convenient.
That is an awkward position to put a 'friend' in, I suspect she is particularly self centered and took advantage of your kind nature.
Not only was she prepared to hijack your trip, she was also prepared to introduce another person in the equation without your knowledge or approval. This is not the behavior of a true friend, nor was her response to you in any way reasonable.
I can see that for you, as it was for me, a camino is a journey of self discovery, a time to focus on yourself on a day by day basis.
It is so much better that you have made things clear, I expect it would have been very difficult if you have actually met up and started to walk together.

Buen camino
You deserve the best Camino you can have. You may become addicted like the rest of us.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Planning stage Camino Frances from SJPdP (Sept. 2019)
#55
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
Congratulations -SherlyC! You remind me very much of myself. I regularly find it a real challenge in setting boundaries and have sometimes found myself feeling a bit annoyed and resentful as I ended up over-compromising or altering my plans to fit in with another. In my experience, a little bit of pain/uncomfortable feelings now cuts off a whole heap of awkwardness/pain down the track (in this case The Way!) T
Thank you for letting us know what you decided. As others have said the Camino is already weaving its magic. Buen Camino Peregrina!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Fall 2016 Camino Frances to Leon
Fall 2017 Camino Frances to Finisterre
#56
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
Well Sheryl, the problem is solved. I had a chuckle when I read your post about the e-mail that you received. Life is so much better when there is no drama in relationships. Have a fantastic time and meet some more great like-minded people!
 

CAJohn

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Frances Sept/Oct 2019
#57
Congratulations on this big step that you took before your Camino has even begun. There is a difference between putting your own needs first and being selfish. You were putting your needs first. She was being selfish. Maybe this Camino can be about focusing on your needs and your wellbeing. From what little I know about you, I don’t think you have to worry about becoming selfish and self-centered. It just doesn’t sound like who you are.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Francis 2012, 2014, 2016, 2018. Many more to come in my future God willing !
#58
This is "ugly" no matter how you slice it.... The word "Unfair" on your "friends" part immediately comes to mind, but still is pale in comparison to the ugliness of the entire situation.....

IMO - tell her up front. Life is too short for you to be feeling slighted and basically lied to and above all possibly ruining YOUR Camino experience.
 
Camino(s) past & future
SJPDP-Finisterre X 2, El Norte incompleto
#59
This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.
I see the "dig" at you as her trying to turn the tables on you, so that she doesn't feel guilty for her own behaviour.
 
Camino(s) past & future
(2009): Camino Frances
(2011): Sevilla-Salamanca, VdlP
(2012): Salamanca-SdC, VdlP
(2014): SJpdP-Astorga
(2015): Astorga-SdC
(2016) May Pamplona-Moratinos; Sept.:Burgos-SdC
(2016): August/Sept: Camino San Olav (Burgos-Covarubbias), Burgos-Sarria
(2017): May: Portuguese; Sept: Pamplona-SdC
#60
A bad friend is like your shadow: When the sun shines, it is impossible to get rid of him/her. On a cloudy day, he/she never shows up...
 

twh

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances from SJPdP May/June, 2018
#61
note: I trimmed a few sharp edges off the original post.

Arriving late to the party. I was squirming in my chair, blood pressure rising while reading through this thread but when your old "friend" wrote back canceling her trip I took a deep relaxing breath and felt the stars realign in balance again. I am SO HAPPY you will now have the opportunity to experience YOUR camino.

The advise to politely confront and set the terms, or better yet tell her your plan was to walk alone was excellent advise. Every day of the Camino is precious, but especially the early ones!!! I'm so happy you will not be spending your time on the Camino with this person.

This old friend has changed over time as we all do in 20 years. But in her case, her blatant, transparent selfishness is off the charts for an adult as is her lack of self awareness. I actually feel bad for this person because she has tough times ahead of her when she is forced to grow up.

In general, the camino is self selecting when it comes to the type of people it attracts. I'm sure she had no interest in doing the camino, it was merely a ploy, to use the reputation of the Camino and her old friend (you) to achieve her means...arranging her fling. It's just wrong on so many levels.

I am so relieved you are starting this camino without all that baggage. You made the right decision to let her know she was not running the show. And just that little bit of pushback confirmed what you were in for when she responded in the way she did. Had you not taken the courageous steps you did and instead tried to start the camino with her, the breakup that would have surely happened in the first few days would have been very messy and tainted your whole Camino and possibly others who had the misfortune of witnessing it.

You have saved your Camino from being hijacked. You will enjoy your camino, wishing you the best.
Tim
 
Last edited:
Camino(s) past & future
Frances(2006) portugues(2013)San Salvador (2017)
#62
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
At the end of it all, well done you for speaking up! Have a great camino!
 

SherlyC

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
First time Camino in 2018 September
#63
Wow - this is really an amazing community! So much wisdom and encouragement! Thank you all so much!!

I haven't started the journey yet but all my attention is on the camino, this forum, and any videos I can find.
Last night I watched "The Way" again. I actually fell asleep during the movie last year - at that time walking the camino was a still a vague plan and I hadn't planned any details and didn't know about the route and the stages. Last night I was full ears and eyes on the movie and I even cried at the end when Martin Sheen asked the compostela to be in his son's name.

I'm just so excited and can't wait to start walking this weekend. I've been packing and unpacking, trying on my shoes, socks, pants, drinking from the newly bought hiking water bottle during the day at work and home. I even started to sleep in my sleeping bag with the small blow up pillow on my bed. :p
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances (SJPdP-Burgos, 2015)
Camino Frances (Burgos-Sarria, 2018)
Sarria-Santiago (Oct. 2018)
#64
Buen Camino, @SherlyC !

There is so much good advice on this thread that has not only helped you come to your decision, but will help other sort out their situations, and walking companions, as well. May your Camino be all you could hope for. Safe travels!
 
Camino(s) past & future
(2009): Camino Frances
(2011): Sevilla-Salamanca, VdlP
(2012): Salamanca-SdC, VdlP
(2014): SJpdP-Astorga
(2015): Astorga-SdC
(2016) May Pamplona-Moratinos; Sept.:Burgos-SdC
(2016): August/Sept: Camino San Olav (Burgos-Covarubbias), Burgos-Sarria
(2017): May: Portuguese; Sept: Pamplona-SdC
#65
Arriving late to the party. I was squirming in my chair, blood pressure rising while reading through this thread but when your old "friend" wrote back canceling her trip I took a deep relaxing breath and felt the stars realign in balance again. I am SO HAPPY you will now have the opportunity to experience YOUR camino.

The advise to politely confront and set the terms, or better yet tell her your plan was to walk alone was excellent advise. Every day of the Camino is precious, but especially the early ones!!! I'm so happy you will not be throwing them away by spending even a minute with this emotional parasite.

This old friend has changed over time as we all do in 20 years. But in her case, her blatant, transparent selfishness is off the charts for an adult as is her lack of self awareness. The words narcissism and entitlement and toxic seem to define this person from her preliminary actions and assumptions. I can only imagine after defining up front who she is and what her intentions were and you accepting it, once on the trail with you, the behavior bar would have sunk even lower even though that seems impossible (she must be learning from some world leader out there). I actually feel bad for this person because she has tough times ahead of her when she is forced to grow up.

In general, the camino is self selecting when it comes to the type of people it attracts. I'm sure she had no interest in doing the camino, it was merely a ploy, to use the reputation of the Camino and her old friend (you) to achieve her means...arranging her fling.

Your actions toward her is obviously some tough medicine for her to swallow but when dealing with childish behavior you have to set limits that they don't like but will ultimately help them in the future. Maybe your actions cancelled her rendezvous with her boyfriend too, maybe your actions will result in her taking another look at herself?...I doubt it but I hope so.

I am so relieved you are starting this camino without all that ugly baggage, you made the right decision to let her know she was not running the show. And just that little bit of pushback confirmed what you were in for when she responded. I'm sure if you started walking with her you would have gladly traded her for a sleeping bag full of bedbugs. The breakup, that would have surely happened in the first 3 days would have been very messy and tainted your whole Camino and possibly others who had the misfortune of witnessing it.

You will enjoy your camino, wishing you the best.
Tim
You are a harsh man :) I like you.
 
Camino(s) past & future
(2009): Camino Frances
(2011): Sevilla-Salamanca, VdlP
(2012): Salamanca-SdC, VdlP
(2014): SJpdP-Astorga
(2015): Astorga-SdC
(2016) May Pamplona-Moratinos; Sept.:Burgos-SdC
(2016): August/Sept: Camino San Olav (Burgos-Covarubbias), Burgos-Sarria
(2017): May: Portuguese; Sept: Pamplona-SdC
#66
I'm just so excited and can't wait to start walking this weekend. I've been packing and unpacking, trying on my shoes, socks, pants, drinking from the newly bought hiking water bottle during the day at work and home. I even started to sleep in my sleeping bag with the small blow up pillow on my bed. :p
You seem very light-hearted now. I am very happy for you now. For reasons you you do not know yet, but will find out along your Way.
 

twh

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances from SJPdP May/June, 2018
#67
You are a harsh man :) I like you.
Yes, I have a low tolerance for bullies or people who take advantage of others for their own gain. The "old friend" the OP describes appears to be an offender of these sensitivities of mine...otherwise I am a very polite, loving and respectful person....really!:)
 

KinkyOne

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
I'am not perfect, but I'm always myself!!!
#68
A bad friend is like your shadow: When the sun shines, it is impossible to get rid of him/her. On a cloudy day, he/she never shows up...
Good one!!! :D

But I say that there can't be bad friends. Only friends (which are obviously good) and acquaintances (which can be both good and bad). For me "good" is a must and immanent characteristic for "friend".
 
Camino(s) past & future
This upcoming May 31st through July 1st approximately.
#69
Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for sharing your insights and experiences and wisdom! Really amazing how much you all care about my trip and sincerely wishing well for me. I really can't thank you enough!

I read all of your comments and thought about it all day today. My friend's flight is booked (long distance, she's flying 12 hrs from Asia) and I've already booked the short flight Paris-Biarritz for her (some days before she told me about the lover). I think this is what i'll do:

I will not let her or her situation influence me. I will remember that she does not have that much importance in my life. She is just a visitor to the camino, and a passerby too. We will start the journey together catching up on old times, but I will just treat her as another peregrina passing by. I speak many languages, so i'll freely engage with others and make new friends as I go. And if I feel any moment that her presence or behavior is bothering my camino, I will tell that to her clearly and go separate ways.

As @Isca-camigo mentioned above, I have a feeling that she physically won't be able to do the camino very long. She is not trained at all. She doesn't hike nor does long walks. And she just bought a new pair of hiking shoes last week. I'm guessing that within a week she'll change plans.

Thanks again so much for all your lovely concerns. If I could, I would like to give you all a big hug!
I'll make sure to give an update later during the camino. :D
I hope that you let us know how it works out. A real Camino soap opera in the making.
But seriously - I do hope you have a wonderful Camino. Blessings
 
Camino(s) past & future
looking into summer 2017
#70
I had a friend who happened to be in Spain at the same time, and wanted to start the Camino with me. I felt awkward, but had to tell her that at the very least, it was important to me to start in Irun on my own, but that if we met up/crossed paths a few days in, I'd walk with her for a while. She ended up starting a little ahead and we didn't cross paths (she was really fast), and I think the experience was better for both of us because we walked alone. If you phrase it in a way that doesn't mention her, or any of the other things she has going on, and really emphasize what YOU need, I hope she's more likely to respect that.
 

Suzyk

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Portugues (2019)
#71
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
Just tell her that you changed your mind/read that it is better to walk alone etc. Det kan walk with her lovet if the wants Company.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Several alone and with children
#72
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
I’m on vacation, only have access to my phone and only saw this post because the forum sends me “ most read posts”. I hardly ever click on it due to time and nothing else. I share all that because today, from the comfort of bed I clicked and saw this post.
I was so passionate about by response that I woke my hubby ( celebrating an anniversary), to log me on i forgot my password. My response is so confident we jumped through hoops, spent several precious minutes to get me on for me to say
“ RUN”, “ RUN FROM THIS SITUATION”
I thought that before I even read about the affair part.
With that said I hope she, maybe even he do a Camino...
You will be miserable if you do this with her, she will have a sounding board 24 hours a day.
Separate BEFORE you even board the plane!
Encourage her go!!!
and say, “ you have the guidebooks, I suspect you can do it, people have walked it for a thousand years, we must do this separate” .
Offer to have coffee once home to discuss your cami is...
RUN AWAY FROM THIS!
 
Camino(s) past & future
Several alone and with children
#74
Did the last few posters read @SherlyC's post #47?? She has already got it worked out and will be walking alone.
I never signed a contract to read through all posts ...
a question was asked and I thoughtfully shared my opinion. Laughing at the thought of beginning to read ( what did you mention 47????) post.
 
Camino(s) past & future
(2017)
#75
This, IMO is not the way to start your camino.
If you are uncomfortable, now, with the circumstances why don’t you be honest with her before you start.

Also trying to walk with someone who may have a different pace or rhythm or a different level of fitness is not a good idea! That in itself is a good reason to walk alone!
Agreed! A Camino started this way will not be a calm, simple experience. You are part of a lie she won’t take responsibility for....not your job.
 
Camino(s) past & future
(2017)
#76
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
Should have read the update , before replying. So glad that you spoke your mind and the problem simply went away. Now you are free to have your own Camino!
Buen Camino to you!!
 
Camino(s) past & future
4/16/18 start 5/18/18 finish
#77
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
I had someone who wanted to join me too 1-month before I left, she was having problems with boyfriend etc... I actually just said, no. I told her that I was on a journey and wanted to start that on my own. I'm so glad I stood up for myself. I did tell her that on my next Camino, maybe.
 
#78
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
 
#79
I would not overly worry about language. If her language is one of the worlds major languages, there will often be another pilgrim (at albergue) who knows more than one who can translate. Often at dinner there would be several languages and pilgrims who would translate the ones they knew. It might take two or three translators but usually the idea got through. If not eat, smile and go to bed.
 

Thornley

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
Frances [08 ]Portuguese [09 ]Le Puy[10] Norte[ 11] Madrid [12] Figeac - Pamplona [13] Mont Saint Michel - Bordeaux / St Palais - Pamplona [14] Moissac -Burgos [15] , Norte to Oviedo and then Primitivo [16]
Le Puy to Moissac and Dax to Santo Domingo
#80
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
Go alone.
My wife and i walk a few 100 m apart for most of the Frances.
On Le Puy or similar"remote" paths , ex Mont St Michel we walk side by side .
You were going to be her guardian and if your mild letter was too abrupt then i'm afraid your old school friend won't be on The Camino any time soon.
Have a great time
 
Last edited:
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances: September 24 - October 31 (2015); February/March (2019)
#81
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
Count yourself lucky. You dodged a bullet. And now, Buen Camino!
 

ksam

Veteran Member
Camino(s) past & future
Portuguese '08, Frances '11, del Norte '14, Invierno '16, Ingles '17, Primitivo October 2018
#82
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
Good for you!! And as sad as it is your free and clear to go ahead with your trip. Enjoy every moment. Buen Camino!
 

Karl Oz

Active Member
Camino(s) past & future
Frances
Portuguese
Piamonte
Aragones
Elizabethpfad
#83
I agree with the majority of posters who recommend cauterizing this issue forthwith. For just about all of this reasons they have given.
 
Camino(s) past & future
Camino Frances, St Jean PdP, March 18 (2018)
#84
I 100% agree with what another pilgrim told me, is that it's really not a camino/pilgrimage unless you do it solo. Since then, for me, I have modified it... If you have not actually "lived with" the other person for the last year or preferrably more, don't plan on walking the whole Camino together. You can travel there together, and even start together, but make sure you both agree that you each will walk your own Camino. You will most likely meet each other many times during your Camino.
 
Camino(s) past & future
"May 2014" & "May 2015"
#85
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
I would split from her/them if it was me as it’s YOUR Camino and you should enjoy it to the best of your ability. What your “friend” has done is deceitful and not your responsibility. I started walking with two people this year & we went our seperate ways after 3 weeks. I just said that I preferred to be on my own and they were fine. You actually get to talk to & meet more people when your walking by yourself. Go for it! Enjoy your Camino
 
Camino(s) past & future
Frances (1989 and 2016), Portugues - from Porto (2018)
#86
I 100% agree with what another pilgrim told me, is that it's really not a camino/pilgrimage unless you do it solo.
I've done the Camino solo and I've done it with my son and I've seen people walking it with people they met on the Camino. And you know what? They were all really Caminos. And every one done by a person who considered themself a pilgrim was really a pilgrimage. Everyone walks their own Camino and what makes it real is the experience of walking it, not whether you walk it solo or not.

Just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.
 

Michou55

New Member
Camino(s) past & future
Past:Frances (2010)Puy-en-Velay (2011)Camino del Norte (2011) Chemin du Piemont (2012),Via de la Planta, Caminho Portugues (2016)
#87
I (female, 40yrs old) have been preparing for CF for the last two years and looking forward to starting my journey next week!
But in the last two weeks, all of a sudden, things changed: a friend that I went to highschool with whom I haven't really connected much for over 20yrs invited herself to the camino to walk with me. We used to be good friends but we've been living in different continents for 20 yrs. I sense that she has problems at home and want to escape for a month. Which I understand.

But I just learned that she's having an affair and invited her lover to join us in the middle of the camino. I'm really shocked and regret that I said OK to her joining the trip without really knowing her that well. I also realized that I'm being used as an "alibi" to her husband.

If I realize that we are incompatible during the camino, I'm thinking about splitting and making a detour or going ahead with the bus for some sections so that I don't have to walk with her. What i'm worried though, is that she doesn't speak a word English nor Spanish. I would kind of feel guilty to dump her in the middle.

Do you have any similar experience of relationships going sour and splitting during the camino? I'd love to hear.
It sounds it could be a toxic relationship. I think your intuition is sending you a warning.
 
Camino(s) past & future
CF SJPdP to SdC
(May 2015)
CF Sarria to SdC
(May 2016)
CF SJPDP-SdC
(Apr/May 2018)
VdlP (2020)
#88
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies! I have an update to this situation.

I wrote an email to her yesterday with clear boundaries. I told her that I'm disappointed at her inviting her lover to this trip as it is not a trip to disney land. However she is free to do whatever she wants, because it is her camino as much as it is mine. I closed the email saying that we'll be walking together but we should respect each others time and goals for this trip.

This morning I found an email from her saying that she won't be joining the trip. The major reason being that i'm too cold and direct (!) and she feels that she is not prepared for the 800km walk.

I have mixed feelings: I feel relieved but also a bit sad. I think I was looking forward to seeing her.
But I think it's good it ended this way. I can 100% focus on the camino and its magic :)
Phew! Well done......

Now enjoy your Camino.... :)
 

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