Should I bring my "kid" ( 21)?

[spagirl]

I am walking solo SJPdP Sept. 2018.
My 21 year old son has expressed interest ( as long as I pay of course) in walking with me.
I'm just concerned that his being along will change my Camino. Ive been dreaming about it for 30 years. Someone on a thread about bringing teenagers said all is good until parents start to parent. Id just like advice about how it worked for any one else. I don't really want to be" mom" all the time and he's certainly old enough to do his own Camino. I just envision a teenage style meltdown or scraps along the way. People post about walking with their kids and how great it is but this son and I can really press each others buttons. Funny his much younger brother is the one I would like to yank out of school and come but he has no interest whatsoever. Like to hear from those who had not so cozy touchy feely family camino experiences before I decide to extend the invitation.

 

[alexwalker]

Walk alone. Maybe you need it. Bring him next time (There will very likely be a next time...).

 

[Kanga]

I've walked with my daughter but it was my third camino. And yes, although it was a great shared experience we did have the occasional meltdown. We sometimes behave badly with those we love the most, in ways we would not dream of if we are with strangers. It only happened a couple of times and we both bounced back quickly. Neither of us hold grudges. I was very glad we did the walk together, but I'm also glad that it was not my first camino. And she went back and walked the camino a second time because she really, really, wanted the experience of walking it all by herself!

Walking with anyone does change the nature of the experience. Walking solo you have complete freedom to do what you want, when you want, how you want. You are responsible only for yourself, and you take responsibility for your own actions - no-one else to blame, no-one else to consult.

I strongly recommend that you go alone this time. If your son is really keen then suggest that he starts walking at least a week before you. Being younger he will stay ahead (if you start first there is too much chance he will catch up!). That way you would both have the experience of doing your own thing but could arrange to meet up in Santiago at the end of the walk - which would be lovely. You might even want to walk the last 100km together - that last 100km is a circus and a party anyway so why not?

PS - just read the bit about you paying for him - I'd find that a pretty compelling reason to say No!

 

[Purky]

I walked a week with my son last year, but that was after I had done a solo camino. Judging by the information you provide in your post, I'm with Alex and Kanga. We have a saying in Holland that says 'desire must mature' and 30 years of dreaming qualifies. Let his desire mature a little longer and do this one for yourself.

 

[Jan_D]

You have been a parent for 21 years. I think you deserve a month off.

 

[jsalt]

Go alone. This is your camino.

If you take your son it will become his camino.

Jill

 

[rappahannock_rev]

Took my youngest son with me on my third Camino -- but only from SJPP to Logrono! Deliberately! Wanted to show him what it was like, and convince him that he could come back and do it properly on his own (and on his own dime!) someday. And he will, I have no doubt.

I must add that our time together was precious to me.

 

[Peter Fransiscus]

As stated above , walk alone because it is your first Camino .

You deserve to do it alone .

Wish you well and a Buen Camino ,Peter .

 

[Robo]

Absolutely not, 100% on your own

 

[Icacos]

Interesting thread! I agree with what the others are saying, and I particularly like @Purky's "desire must mature." Years ago I read "give your child the advantage of not having all the advantages." Love him, but leave him behind.

 

[MinaKamina]

No one can stop your son from walking the Camino if he pays for it himself. You plan to walk in september, so if he wants to leave at the same time, he still has six months to save or to work.

"Invite" him to find his own way!

 

[Antonius Vaessen]

I walked the Salvador with my of daughter of 21. It was my third Camino and it was only a week. It was very nice to spend a week like this together. I think it would have been less my Camino when she would have joined me on my first Camino, now it was a very nice extra. 6 weeks of walking would have been too much for her. She liked the walking part, in the villages there was not enough action to her liking. ( She called them dead villages) There weren't much pilgrims when we walked.
My advice would be to do your first Camino alone, the next time, which undoubtedly will come, he could join you.
Perhaps you can do some short treks with him in the upcoming months, to experience what it is like to walk together for some days

 

[Deleted member 67185]

This is part of what I had written about my son and I returning to finish my interrupted Camino:

".... an important aspect of the Camino has become the fellowship, helpfulness, and loving kindness of Caleb. I don't know when it happened, but what my Camino now means to me, includes doing the Way with Caleb.

So, now it seems that Caleb and I will return to Burgos to do the final part of the Camino together."

I didn't know how things would turn out when Caleb and I started off together. I had spiritual reasons why I wanted to do the Camino, which, for me, meant I would be more inward focused than externally focused.

Caleb is older than your son by 8 years. He served in the military as a US Army Ranger, and is now an IT department manager at a large corporation. We have a lot of experience backpacking together. BUT.... he is a kid at heart, loves to have fun, and has a bigger "type A" personality than I do. In other words, a Camino together might have had a bit of tension between us as my needs for a Camino might have conflicted with his.

I wouldn't trade our time together for anything. And I am thrilled beyond words that in the first week of October, we will meet back in Burgos to finish our pilgrimage together in SdC.

 

[Joziane]

What does your heart speak? Listen. Be honest to and for yourself. The Camino is a pilgrimage for many reasons...what are yours?

 

[C clearly]

Much to my surprise, I find myself taking a less definitive position on this. I totally understand the wish to do the Camino alone. That is what I prefer, and I make no secret of it with my family. If my husband really wanted to come, I would try with him. Same with my kids. But my youngest is now 30 so I have successfully broken out of that maternal role. Fortunately my husband is not interested!

If you decide to "take" your son, there are ways that you can clarify your relationship during the experience - some ground rules, that he'll probably support as well. You might need to be very deliberate about these rules, but I don't see why that should cause problems. In fact, at the end of the trip, you will have a strong shared experience even if you don't see each other.

The suggestion to have him start ahead of you is good, but I don't think it would be a disaster if one of you walked into a bar for second breakfast one day, and found the other there! I think it would be kind of fun! That doesn't mean you become attached at the hip, but you might happily decide to walk a few hours together. Just agree, and remind each other, of your ground rules and the excellent reasons for them.

Certainly make separate reservations in SJPP (or wherever you start) and agree that you are starting the next day separately. This will force you both to establish your own camino. Perhaps agree in theory that you might meet for a rest day, but that should be subject to change.

Make sure that you have the phone contacts worked out.

I don't entirely agree with the importance of who pays for the plane ticket. It depends on many circumstances. I have several times paid for my young-adult children's travel, but they haven't done the camino. They are responsible people who didn't particularly need that lesson on finances, so that's what I was happy to do.

 

[Kiwi-family]

The moment you pay for your son’s camino you place yourself in the role of parent/provider. I think it would be far more empowering for your son to rise to the challenge of making his own way to Spain (ie from his own pocket).
But I’m the mum who would not take over the planning for my seventeen-year-old’s Road Trip when she found it tedious. She begged me to but I did not want to deny her the opportunity to learn for herself (I asked pertinent questions and was supportive but refused to do the work for her).

 

[Kiwi-family]

@C clearly I did not intend for my post to read as a complete contradiction to yours - I must have been typing as yours posted and I wrote mine without reading yours!

 

[Doogman]

I understand the comments above about walking alone, and I generally prefer to do it that way. But if one of my sons ever expressed an interest in coming along, I would jump at it. I think it would be a fabulous experience to do it together. It's very likely that you would not spend the entire day together - one or the other may walker faster or want to take more breaks, etc. I say go for it with your son. There may be other chances down the road or there may not - you never know what tomorrow may bring. One way or the other, I hope you enjoy your journey!

 

[M. Oliver]

I am walking solo SJPdP Sept. 2018.
My 21 year old son has expressed interest ( as long as I pay of course) in walking with me.
I'm just concerned that his being along will change my Camino. Ive been dreaming about it for 30 years. Someone on a thread about bringing teenagers said all is good until parents start to parent. Id just like advice about how it worked for any one else. I don't really want to be" mom" all the time and he's certainly old enough to do his own Camino. I just envision a teenage style meltdown or scraps along the way. People post about walking with their kids and how great it is but this son and I can really press each others buttons. Funny his much younger brother is the one I would like to yank out of school and come but he has no interest whatsoever. Like to hear from those who had not so cozy touchy feely family camino experiences before I decide to extend the invitation.

 

[M. Oliver]

I would walk alone, especially since you say you have dreamed about it for 30 years! Then when you come back from your solo Camino, you can tell your son about how great it was and inspire him to go himself on his own dime.

 

[lovetoread3]

Has your son said WHY he wants to come? I think you've had good advice above from both sides but I'm really curious why he wants to come? Does he want to connect with you? Is he floundering in his life and looking for something? Or does he want a free trip to Spain? I think your decision may depend on what he's expecting from you. Sometimes our kids reach out in funny ways. Sometimes they manipulate us. Sometimes they just want to be with us. I think it may be hard to have an honest conversation about what he wants but I think it's worth asking. With some ground rules on the Way, he may surprise you. If it were me, I would jump at the opportunity. The best moments I had with my sons before they moved out were when we got to share one-on-one experiences like this. Good luck with your decision

 

[JulieandPeter]

Last year my husband, son (24), and I arrived at SJPDP together. After the first day, we didn't see him again until the last day (we had completely different walking patterns). It was a life-changing experience for him. He met many wise and kind and fun people who he is still in contact with. He would call us every few days and tell us about his adventures.

Initially, he wasn't all that excited about doing it, now he is bummed that it will probably be many, many years before he has that kind time to walk another Camino (he doesn't get a lot of time off in his new job). I am a worrywart parent and letting go of parent mode is impossible for me no matter where on the planet my children are. I felt very at ease on the Camino because I knew my son was in good hands with all of the wonderful people along the way.

If I were you I would walk separately, at your own pace, and see what happens. Buen Camino!

 

[spagirl]

Wow ! Great answers. How can everybody be right???? LOL.
We just walked to the mall ( 10 km ) .....I thought I might need bail money!!!
Its decided- I will walk solo and take him and possibly his older/ younger brothers another time.
Heck - maybe I will skip my own kids altogether and take grandkids in the future.

Although I can't help but wonder if the Camino would change our relationship ( for the better). I might have too much stock in that hope.....

 

[C clearly]

@C clearly I did not intend for my post to read as a complete contradiction to yours - I must have been typing as yours posted and I wrote mine without reading yours!

Haha. It just illustrates what @spagirl replied:

How can everybody be right????

"Policies" about money can be very contradictory, and different approaches can work equally well. I still don't agree with your blanket statement, but respect that as a valid approach. Probably what matters most is that kids learn that money is limited and priorities must be considered and choices made.

Although I can't help but wonder if the Camino would change our relationship ( for the better). I might have too much stock in that hope..

That is a very good point.

It sounds like perhaps your son is too independent to walk with you as your child, but not mature enough to walk with you as an adult. That's an awkward stage.

I expect that you will love going alone! Buen camino!

 

[lovetoread3]

Have faith, Spagirl. Even if your son doesn't go now, he may go later and even though you did not walk together, it may change your relationship. It's a rough age (another one of 'those' ages), filled with uncertainty, unspoken expectations of everyone, transitions... You can only make the best decision for you now in this moment and you've made it. Go and enjoy. His time will come - reassure yourselves of that Now you need to focus on getting ready! Have a GREAT trip

 

[Kiwi-family]

Wow ! Great answers. How can everybody be right???? LOL......

I sense a lightheartedness in your question but i’ll Answer in all seriousness all the same!
I am a believer in right and wrong BUT not everything can be summed up as polar opposites. Sometimes it is unhelpful to consider experiences/ideas/advice in terms of right VS wrong. Different situations may call for different approaches. Different kids learn different ways.
Having posted against paying for your son I feel I need to come clean and confess that I just spent a week with my same aged son who lives in another city - and we took him (and his girlfriend) out for three meals! They did not expect it and he has broken the paternal ties since leaving home so we have an adult-adult relationship now.
Hearing others’ experiences can he helpful and raise issues you may not have considered. But it can also be confusing as you sift through information, finding what applies to your situation.
My limited experience with this “age” is that time and distance have much to offer!

 

[alexwalker]

Heck - maybe I will skip my own kids altogether and take grandkids in the future.

Had I known that grandkids were so fun, I should have had them first. Go alone: It will be a lifetime experience of freedom for you.

 

[Deleted member 59555]

I am walking solo SJPdP Sept. 2018.
My 21 year old son has expressed interest ( as long as I pay of course) in walking with me.
I'm just concerned that his being along will change my Camino. Ive been dreaming about it for 30 years. Someone on a thread about bringing teenagers said all is good until parents start to parent. Id just like advice about how it worked for any one else. I don't really want to be" mom" all the time and he's certainly old enough to do his own Camino. I just envision a teenage style meltdown or scraps along the way. People post about walking with their kids and how great it is but this son and I can really press each others buttons. Funny his much younger brother is the one I would like to yank out of school and come but he has no interest whatsoever. Like to hear from those who had not so cozy touchy feely family camino experiences before I decide to extend the invitation.

DONT DO IT Hi I walked in August last year I am 69 and I wanted to take my grand son and the family decided not to send him I was upset at the start but what a great decision The camino is a VERY VERY personal journey .
As an add on statement. If every one in the world walked the camino we would not have any wars prejudges or hatered. Just my opinion
Going back next month.

 

[alexwalker]

@spagirl : The Camino is a gift to you that you have just discovered, by coincidence. Use that gift carefully, with wisdom. You have risen children up to mature age: Let them live on. Spread your wings and live your life now. This is your time and only yours. You will understand more after you have walked it alone (with newfound friends).

 

[lt56ny]

I have met many people who have walked with their kids. I have never spoken to one parent that have said it was a better experience then any could have imagined. I have walked 3 times and I have to agree that the first one is so special and sacred as it is the first one. I can tell you that some of my best friends that I have always remained in touch with walked with their kids the first time and yes their are sometimes issues but they would never change the experience. The advice that I give everyone who tell me they are walking alone or in a group is the same that others have said. THE CAMINO IS YOUR OWN. Having said that, my older daughter (26) has toyed with the idea. What I always stress to her is that we walk together when we feel it and walk alone when we need to. If she needs to be alone for a period of days it so easy to stay in touch and track each other to meet later. Learning to do this and letting someone go that you love can be difficult for someone who has never walked before. I see it all the time with people who get into their camino "families" and have difficulty or do not want to split up, even when there is an injury that your body is telling you to rest and heal. You can't walk off a blister, splint or real pain.
I think if both parent and child can do that and as the saying goes that I saw somewhere, and believe and adhere to - TOGETHER WE WALK ALONE - it could work and bring the relationship to a new level. If not walk alone experience your camino and then try it again later with your child.
For me, I would give anything to walk with either of my children. The true loves of my life.

 

[MichelleElynHogan]

Hi spagirl,

I do my best to do things differently. I am not a parent, will never be one. But I do support others providing advice in this area. For me, I do have a story to offer rather than advice. It may scare you or it may make the decision for you. Either way, it may help.

Martin Sheen was asked by his Son, Emilio Estevez, to take the lead role in his film, "The Way," produced in 2010. What many do not know is that the idea for the film came from Emilio's 20 something Son, who had actually walked the Camino, met a girl, married her and has lived on the Camino owning and running an albergue, ever since.

No guarantees, of course but it is a possible way to get one bird out of the nest.

 

[KatWanderlust]

@spagirl from the perspective of the child walking with their parent I must admit doing the Camino with my Dad has created some of the best experiences of my life. That being said he did walk solo twice before I joined him, and I was 25 (and that much more mature?) when we first walked together.

Walking on your own and fulfilling your dream sounds like a wonderful plan, and I hope that in the future your sons/grandchildren will join you if and when you're ready. For what it's worth I feel like Dad and I have a much deeper understanding of each other and an incredible relationship after nearly 10 years of Caminos together, I've never done one without him and get very jealous when he goes without me!

Buen Camino,
Kat

 

[HeidiL]

Our son is 21 now, and has walked around 1600 km on different Caminos with us - the first time at 8.

The first time he was definitely a child, we took care of things, reminded him to tighten his shoe laces properly, carried his small backpack when he was tired.

The next time, when he was 11, he was much more mature. He was helpful, worrying about me when I was having a hard time on a hillside, helping to plan the day's walk, discussing restaurants and menus like a seasoned pro.

As we kept coming back with him, he grew up on the Caminos, but always more mature on the Camino than at home.

He skipped walking at 17 and 18, then wanted to walk with us again, and he has walked with us two more times since then and says he is looking forward to walking with us at Easter.

When we walk with our son nowadays, he's an adult, in charge of his own packing, and this young man could probably organise a pilgrimage for a whole group of others, without any input from us. We old people have more money, so we pay for big meals and hotels, but he will often buy us snacks and tea without even discussing finances.

I can't give you any advise on your situation, just know that some of us LOVE walking with our big kids.

 

[Lance Chambers]

I have 'done' the Camino both ways - once with my daughter and twice by myself.

Did a test run Sarria to Santiago by myself, then with my daughter, and then Burgos to Santiago alone. If was wonderful to share the experience with my daughter it was very different but wonderful as well.

I never felt alone when it was just me and I certainly didn't with my daughter. The only issue you may have is that it's not really an easy thing to tell someone you love that you want to walk alone for a day and you'll meet them at a nominated point. A few days I wanted to do that but could never bring myself to say it. Maybe my daughter wanted to walk alone as well and it would have worked out fine.

Maybe neither of us had the courage to say what we needed to say. Such is life sometimes.

Whatever you decide it will be amazing.

Buen Camino.

 

[Stivandrer]

Last year my husband, son (24), and I arrived at SJPDP together. After the first day, we didn't see him again until the last day (we had completely different walking patterns). It was a life-changing experience for him. He met many wise and kind and fun people who he is still in contact with. He would call us every few days and tell us about his adventures.

Initially, he wasn't all that excited about doing it, now he is bummed that it will probably be many, many years before he has that kind time to walk another Camino (he doesn't get a lot of time off in his new job). I am a worrywart parent and letting go of parent mode is impossible for me no matter where on the planet my children are. I felt very at ease on the Camino because I knew my son was in good hands with all of the wonderful people along the way.

If I were you I would walk separately, at your own pace, and see what happens. Buen Camino!

That is probably the best combo that I have ever heard. What an independent, sensible young man.
He would be of another pace entirely , of course and this turned out to be the perfect & right way for your woory mode to be worked upon..
Bravo !

 

[Fletchonides]

While my wife and I are walking the Camino together together and find it precious time, if either of our sons (19 and 21) wanted to walk with us, I would seriously consider it. I know a mother/son who walked together and had such a great time together. The motivation of why he would want to walk with you is so important, and the fact that one of our sons would want to spend that time with me would certainly influence me positively.
Other factors are normal factors of two people walking. What sort of walking pace do you both have; how much do you foresee walking per day, when would you get up in the morning and start walking? I would envisage agreeing where we would stay for the next night, and if we walk together to get there it would be a bonus. That coming together and sharing about your day, gives you a lot to talk about. Like all Camino friends hold the relationship and time together lightly, and you may find he chooses to walk alongside you one day and open up.

The other thing that strikes me is that having dreamed about it for 30 years, you may have built it up into something completely unrealistic. When you get there, just go with it and let it be what it is.

 

[Anniesantiago]

First of all, I had two children at the age of 21, so I consider that person an adult, not a child.

Second, I guess it depends on your relationship. I would LOVE to have one or all of my adult children walk with me.

But the fact that you need to ask says maybe you need to walk alone?

Does going with you mean YOU pay for the trip? That would be a "no" answer from me.

 

[spagirl]

Thanks so much for all of the thoughtful replies.
After thinking and considering and talking with him I decided to go it alone this year and invite him ( and his brothers next year.
...... it also occurred to me that if he came there would be no-one to look after my very large and not so kennel-able very old dog!!!
Adult kids living at home have to be useful some how!!

 

[Peter Fransiscus]

Good for you , wish you a wonderfull journey and a Buen Camino , Peter .