Oh,
@HikeTall! You are speaking my language. I am so mixed up right now.
This might be off-topic for a Camino board, but I am struggling with some family-of-origin issues. I think I thought I could keep coasting along, year after year, just avoiding the giant elephant in the room of how messed up certain dynamics are within my family, which includes a brother who died young, unexpectedly, and estranged from all of us. This was several years ago, and it was a complicated story, so I wouldn't say it's a causal factor of my anxiety now, but the unspoken rules in my family are still working the same way, you know? And it's not working for me anymore.
Certain things that happened over the summer, and at Christmas, and then just last weekend, are flashing huge neon NOT OK signs at me. It's dawning on me that I may have, at least in part, chosen this year for the Camino in the hope that it would give me an excuse to opt out of family expectations without incurring displeasure. But last weekend it became even more clear that there's nothing I can do to avoid incurring family displeasure (because my family is messed up!), and Camino or no Camino, I will have to take steps to change how I respond to it. This will "rock the boat", if you will, which is terrifying.
My back problems, and other stress-exacerbated problems do exist, and I'm (hopefully) not exaggerating them or minimizing them, but really, 2 months out it's too early to tell if they really will keep me from the Camino.
I've scheduled medical and shrink appointments for next week, and I feel good about that. This crisis has me shook!
I feel Camino-blessed already, no matter what happens next.