The things we fear

[Smallest_Sparrow]

I'd like to start this as an apology for some heated exchange of opinions recently, and perhaps extrapolate on a comment I made on a different thread about why we respond the way we do sometimes, for reasons within ourselves. This is NOT an excuse for my exceedingly bad behavior, but it was an exercise in identifying causes of conflict for me, and might be an example of how not to behave to others (well, the ones who've not already clicked "ignore"). I make a very good bad example, ask anyone who knows me.

I asked myself, why am I being such an @(%%&# (well, above and beyond my baseline being an @(%%&#). There must be something in me driving this irrational behavior. After a few minutes of soul searching, it came to me: my PTSD makes getting through security a living hell. Until I am safely on board, there is the constant threat that I might be randomly selected for a more intrusive search than I can stand without a melt down of epic proportions. I do my best to make sure I never give them cause to search, and I think deep inside, I worry that if they start having a lot of trouble with people carrying back packs, then my carrying a pack, even without my poles, might help them pick me for what will be a journey-ending encounter. My fear made me react in a way that was exceedingly rude, and I am deeply ashamed.

Is my fear a reason for people not to keep trying to carry on their poles? No, of course not. Nor is it my place to try to convince them not to do so, based on my fear. It's something I need to address within myself. sigh, get in line with all the other faults and assorted bits of crazy. But this is an example of something I've long told students and residents--'if the patient is shouting, it means he's afraid. Stay calm and identify the fear.' Easier to do in my office with others than in my life with myself.

I hope I have learned from this, and those whom I have offended can forgive me. I also hope that anyone having a problem with anything they read, on any thread, remember what a fool I've been, and take a moment (that I hope I will take in the future) to see if there might be an internal source of those emotions.

That's me, setting a bad example one step at a time.

 

[SYates]

Can you please stop beating yourself up!? You don't deserve this! You, like everybody else, is a valued member of this virtual albergue de peregrinos. We all have different opinions and experiences - and so what - that is the beauty of life and human existence - that we are different from each other and not carbon copies of each other. Buen Camino de la Vida, SY

 

[domigee]

I can't put it any better than @SYates, my view entirely!

 

[SabsP]

Idem what SY said. It is ALL good.

One of my favourites from Rumi....

https://mischievouseyez.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/rumi_quote.jpg

Ultreia!!!

 

[Tincatinker]

@Smallest_Sparrow what a beautiful open honest post. I know that I occasionally get a bit grumpy here ( grumpy, some would say downright nasty ) but it will take me a while before I can articulate why and surrender to that moment as you just have.

Buen caminos amiga.

 

[Smallest_Sparrow]

thank you one and all...

 

[C clearly]

@Smallest_Sparrow - I agree with @SYates and others. Sure, you have made some strong comments that some might not agree with (and therefore feel uncomfortable for you), but you have also made many more comments that are strong-in-a-good-way. So don't be so hard on yourself!

Many of us have occasionally been cranky here, as @Tincatinker has pointed out, and sometimes a simple apology is a nice gesture. That is enough for others to be reminded that you recognize the possible feelings of others. For those of us who have gotten to know each other on the forum, we sometimes notice that "so-and-so" is grumpy today or on a high horse, but we also remember that we all do that on occasion and we are not bad people for it! We are somewhat normal humans.

I found your comments about your personal reaction going through security to be informative, especially given the posts on another thread. That is not something that I experience, so I take a more casual attitude to the process and have trouble understanding what the fuss is about.

Keep up your posts - I have found them very interesting and look forward to seeing them.

 

[JeepsNRoses]

Sending you a hug, @Smallest_Sparrow

 

[SYates]

... For those of us who have gotten to know each other on the forum, we sometimes notice that "so-and-so" is grumpy today or on a high horse, ...

Absolutely guilty on that front - just get me started on copyright and/or threads through blisters ... Buen Camino de la Vida, SY

 

[C clearly]

Absolutely guilty on that front - just get me started on copyright and/or threads through blisters ... Buen Camino de la Vida, SY

Or get me going on the facts about bedbugs!

 

[VNwalking]

I never get cranky.
(Wouldn't that be nice? But alas....me too, sometimes.)

@Smallest _Sparrow, thank you for the humble and heartfelt post...and...I totally agree with SYates and the rest. We may not know each other here but this forum is a place of remarkable allowing. You can be exactly who you are and that's OK.

We are all very human here; if you've joined the club of those of us who've messed up, an apology is always appreciated. But the self-judgement is totally extra. We are all doing the best we can with whatver we carry.

 

[Wokabaut_Meri]

I second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth... all the comments above.

Bravo @Smallest_Sparrow! Posting this took more courage than any kind or cranky remark. We like you even more now

We're all works in progress here... some words of inspiration for your journey ('God' can be replaced with whatever has spiritual or deep meaning for you):

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
from the book A Return To Love

I never get cranky.
(Wouldn't that be nice? But alas....me too, sometimes.)

It took me a lifetime to realise that cranky impulses could be caught and transmuted. Still learning, though... and wasn't my Camino a great educator in that regard lots of opportunity not to 'lose it' with our cranky compañero. Reaching Santiago with my good humour intact was indeed a miracle

 

[NualaOC]

What a brave and honest post - thank you @Smallest_Sparrow!

 

[Rebekah Scott]

"I will accept the truth about myself
No matter how beautiful it is."
-- Macrina Weidekehr

 

[susanawee]

I also second, third, fourth etc.etc. ALL the above comments and say Thank you Smallest Sparrow... Camino Hugs to you.

 

[VNwalking]

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

"I will accept the truth about myself
No matter how beautiful it is."
-- Macrina Weidekehr

Nice! Thank you Meri and Reb...these are a wonderful balance to the carping and self-judgemental junk that many of us are so good at.
I just made a really stupid mistake in my logistics. It is time to remember thr truth of these words--rather than to be cranky on account of the delusion that "I should have known better". Oh well. Obviously I didn't
And everyone else is in the same boat--so my own mistakes help me be more compassionate with them. So I really appreciate this thread, @Smallest_Sparrow. Thank you for starting the discussion.

 

[Jeff Crawley]

My current stance on contentious posts is that I am ALWAYS right, you lot are ALWAYS wrong but I still love and forgive you . . . it's what family does!

Should I take my tongue out of my cheek now or later?

 

[SYates]

Just leave it there Buen Camino, SY

 

[Tia Valeria]

@Smallest_Sparrow - I, for one, was really pleased to see you posting again on the forum.
We all have issues that make us more vocal, sometimes quite forcefully. Mine are (illegal) wild camping and fires............. and sometimes I try to bite my tongue as I respond to some issues raised on the forum.
Reflects real life really..................

 

[smj6]

@Smallest_Sparrow, Wow that took guts posting this.
Please please continue to be involved in this forum. As others have said, we all have our moments of putting our feet in our mouths & saying something that is controversial or might be taken as controversial, but that doesn't detract from your value as a member of this forum.
As one of six children, family arguments & disagreements (even now when we're in our 60s/70s) abound, but that doesn't stop us from being together.
Looking forward to reading future postings from you & possible reactions
Buen Camino @Smallest_Sparrow, Suzanne

 

[Albertagirl]

I'd like to start this as an apology for some heated exchange of opinions recently, and perhaps extrapolate on a comment I made on a different thread about why we respond the way we do sometimes, for reasons within ourselves. This is NOT an excuse for my exceedingly bad behavior, but it was an exercise in identifying causes of conflict for me, and might be an example of how not to behave to others (well, the ones who've not already clicked "ignore"). I make a very good bad example, ask anyone who knows me.

I asked myself, why am I being such an @(%%&# (well, above and beyond my baseline being an @(%%&#). There must be something in me driving this irrational behavior. After a few minutes of soul searching, it came to me: my PTSD makes getting through security a living hell. Until I am safely on board, there is the constant threat that I might be randomly selected for a more intrusive search than I can stand without a melt down of epic proportions. I do my best to make sure I never give them cause to search, and I think deep inside, I worry that if they start having a lot of trouble with people carrying back packs, then my carrying a pack, even without my poles, might help them pick me for what will be a journey-ending encounter. My fear made me react in a way that was exceedingly rude, and I am deeply ashamed.

Is my fear a reason for people not to keep trying to carry on their poles? No, of course not. Nor is it my place to try to convince them not to do so, based on my fear. It's something I need to address within myself. sigh, get in line with all the other faults and assorted bits of crazy. But this is an example of something I've long told students and residents--'if the patient is shouting, it means he's afraid. Stay calm and identify the fear.' Easier to do in my office with others than in my life with myself.

I hope I have learned from this, and those whom I have offended can forgive me. I also hope that anyone having a problem with anything they read, on any thread, remember what a fool I've been, and take a moment (that I hope I will take in the future) to see if there might be an internal source of those emotions.

That's me, setting a bad example one step at a time.

@Smallest_Sparrow
Getting through security is a living hell. It is one of the greatest, and unavoidable, curses of travel (for me, too). You have called it as it is.