Kiwi-family
{Rachael, the Mama of the family}
- Time of past OR future Camino
- walking every day for the rest of my life
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Oooh this is why I love collaboration - different ways of seeing things. Stubbornness is usually slated as a negative factor - but here is a novel framing. This kind of insight excites me about contemplating the hard work - so long as I can largely avoid statistics!Check on the stubbornness factor. It got us through some tough patches (25 years in a couple of months).
Hi, Kiwi. When I first read your line "I envisage interviewing those who opted out too..." I thought you meant those of us who have opted out of being married, ever, but the rest of your sentence sounds like you mean those who have opted out of marriage by divorcing.As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
How about 44 years and counting? We also walked from Sarria to Santiago together. We have four wonderful children and nine grandchildren. We have been blessed with health Thank God. Success with you project if you get to complete it. You have started. Good luck.As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
I love that analogy!A marriage is a lot like a long-distance pilgrimage.
28 years and counting. Best thing I ever did, although I’m not sure my wife agrees with me.As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
47 years for us and dealing with another testing time at the moment. We walked our first Camino from Roncesvalles to SdC to celebrate (among other reasons) our 40th in 2013. Thank you, Michael B for the comparison with long distance pilgrimage; spot on! Good luck with your project, Rachael!As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
Just celebrated 34 yesAs I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
2021 brings 49 years of ups and downs,laughs and tears,children grandchildren and even a greatgrandchild ,memories of a world so changed and different from the day we wed,memories of so many family and friends no longer with us,but all never to be forgotten.Looking forward to the golden year 2022.As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
That flips upside-down what I’ve been known to say about my kids - some days I love them even though I don’t like them (at that moment)42 yrs. My wife and I were pals before we got together and I think that made a big difference, you have to like someone as well as love them.
I would still consider her my best pal.
Absolutely! Totally agree. A curiosity about something does not automatically mean that one thing is the be-all and end-all. I doubt there is any one issue (apart from one that the rules forbid us discussing) that is of importance to every single person in the world. My interest is for those who WANT to succeed at marriage (whatever that might end up meaning)Marriage is not everything
So interesting. As an aside I’ve taught family law for many years.... I’d love to participate in your project. My husband and I have been married for 36 years. We walked the camino the first time in 2013. At the time we walked because I wanted to to celebrate and give thanks for a significant weight loss. Our kids (twins) had recently graduated from college and we were empty nesters. What I didn’t realize is that this camino would end up being one long renewal of our wedding vows. Working and raising kids takes a lot of time and teamwork, but doesn’t leave much reserve for deep connections. For 35 days on the camino the two of us reconnected, talked about who we had become, what we wanted/ neede from each other going forward, and just envisioned the next phase of our life together. It was such an unexpected camino gift!As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
What is the "one issue". Can someone clarify please?That flips upside-down what I’ve been known to say about my kids - some days I love them even though I don’t like them (at that moment)
Absolutely! Totally agree. A curiosity about something does not automatically mean that one thing is the be-all and end-all. I doubt there is any one issue (apart from one that the rules forbid us discussing) that is of importance to every single person in the world. My interest is for those who WANT to succeed at marriage (whatever that might end up meaning)
@C clearly I do not think you are cynical - indeed I share your abhorrence at the idea of a prescriptive approach or conclusion. Description may have its uses in identifying some helpful factors, but I would be running far from writing a formula or list of performance indicators! You’ve given me some threads of imagery to consider - thank you.
I have in mind the issue of faith, but in joining the forum I agreed not to indulge in religion conversations which is where “faith conversations” are inclined to go so I don’t want to threaten the value that I’m gaining from this thread by derailing it!What is the "one issue". Can someone clarify please?
I will be happy to help out.As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
These words ring true for me. Hubby and I married as teenagers, raised two sons, and until I walked my first camino in 2015, I had never really done anything on my own before. I fell in love with walking, while he prefers biking. I have loved these opportunities "to get away, walk caminos, and be my own person". Lord willing, we pass the milestone of 50 years together in 2021.Being able to get away, walk a Camino and be my own person
Lovely...and romantic!but much of our courting took place in church belfries
Sadly my wife died 21 years ago at the age of 40, but it's my parents 73rd wedding anniversary tomorrow (20th December).As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
We have two grand kids, but no granddogs, grandcats or grandkids.We have 3 grand dogs!!!
Sorry for your loss even after all these years. Please send warm congratulations to your parents (my first son was born on their 48th anniversary!)Sadly my wife died 21 years ago at the age of 40, but it's my parents 73rd wedding anniversary tomorrow (20th December).
Merry Christmas and Buen Camino one and all....
Dogs are pretty smart.We've had our certificate for 35 years now. Our marriage counselor dog helped out. Whenever our discussions got loud he would go to Peg, sit down and empathize. Then he would come over to me, sit down and make me feel guilty. That cooled things down. I was always the one in the wrong though and Peg the wronged one. Stupid dog.
Marriage is not everything
Nobody gets married and doesn't want to succeed at it. The decision if/when to end it will vary because "marriage is not everything" and the decision depends on how close to "everything" the marriage gets.My interest is for those who WANT to succeed at marriage (whatever that might end up meaning)
I am quoting Glamgirl's words, not to argue, but because they make an excellent point that I will take a step further. Many or most contented middle-aged or older pilgrims would be able to say almost the same words regardless of their marital history:It focused us on the joy we share as a married couple. I’m so happy we did, we can not sweat the small stuff easier, it is the analogy of life - around every corner is a new challenge, how you handle it reflects on who you are.
50 years this month. From my perspective you nailed it exactly, there’s nothing I can add.Fifty years past in July this year, but still in an apprenticeship scheme.Obviously I'm an slow learner and she is pretty tolerant.
Sorry to inform you so bluntly, but you are wrong.But he is still THE most annoying man in the world....!
My husband and I have been married for 41 years. We have friends who tell us they model their marriage after us or that they want to know how we did it. I have no clue. We are as different as night and day. I love to travel, he doesn't. I walk the Camino as often as possible and he stays home. I'd be happy to answer your questionnaire, but I'm not sure I can tell you why it lasted.As I was walking the other day I thought of the title for a book: For Better Or Worse.
Subtitle: Stories of People Who Stuck Together.
I don't know if I'm going to write it, but as I look around at marriages of friends falling apart left right and centre - whether married for less than a year or over thirty years, I've become curious about what makes people stay together. If I end up writing anything I imagine it will be personal-story-based, but with a solid background of research informing the stories. The narratives would be important, but I would want to really drill down and try to identify if the continued marriages are fundamentally different from the broken ones - and what the differentiating elements seem to be that make people go in one direction or the other - is it about “tipping points” for example, or “cumulative fray” or a mix of both???
That's as far as my thinking got and I was back at my doorstep!
I need to do a literature search before I start putting together a questionnaire - but if I ever get that far, is there anyone on this forum who would be comfortable answering? The title asks for people who have been married a long time, but that was really just a provocation - I envisage interviewing those who opted out too, so really anyone who has been married ever could be useful.
Mods, if this is too far from camino-related, please feel free to delete (although I must say each of my caminos has included at least one divorcing person, grieving widower, and infatuated old couple - not to mention the guy who had been married three times and whilst still married to the third wife who would not divorce him, had a mistress on the side!!)
Yes, 24 years. And now again for 4 years. Although staying married remains first prize, the authenticity of the individual parts should not be compromised for the sake of the committment. I had to let the first one go...and it almost destroyed me...but I would have had to die to stay in that relationship. Finding a significant other where the individuals feed the whole has been an enormous blessing and I am grateful I moved on. My second partner will not walk the Camino with me, but thats fine, because we continue to live authentic lives and return with gifts of joy and abundance because in trust you can allow each other space.What an interesting array of answers to wake up to on a Friday morning! This wee project is calling louder because of your willingness to contribute - thank you. Looks like my summer holidays might be spent researching! And this might be an unexpected part of a puzzle that had a missing piece - next year for the first time in 25 years I will be educating only one child at home and I was wondering what we’ll do differently. Obviously I will have much more time at my disposal so as well as the work we do together, it seems I may have a new project to work on independently. It has always been my practice to pursue learning alongside my kids, setting an example hopefully to inspire them (and because I like to learn and value a growth mindset), but I have never written a book......let’s find out if there’s anything to say!
I agree with you Michael. Brenda, my wife and I have been married 47 years and have accumulated significant history together - far too much to throw away. The one thing I would add is that we have learned our marriage is a relationship in which our attitude has become this: Each of us is committed to what we can give to the other not what we can get or demand from it. This works for us. Plus a health dose of forgiveness. Wishing you many more years.A marriage is a lot like a long-distance pilgrimage. We know when we begin in the same manner when we enter into a marriage. We know there is a goal, but it is way out ahead of us. We begin being committed to the journey together. We hit rough patches when there are aches and pains. There are trials and challenges along the way, but we learn to savor the joyous moments along the way also. In fact, we focus on the good times as we go about our journey. We help one another in a give and take as one is low and the other is high and vice versa. We meet great people along the way, but our focus remains on the journey we share together.
We have been married for forty years and I don't see that changing. We have grown into each other too much to sacrifice that caliber of relationship. We have children and grandchildren that bring joy to both of us and we have a responsibility to them, to help them along their own journey.
We will get to where we are going, but it is ahead of us still. For now, we just enjoy the daily walk together.
I have had many fine wives in my time. I was even married to two of them.
My two are both history now: too much shopping.Likewise - but I'm a sissy, I only married one of them
My two are both history now: too much shopping.
You know when you have to leave a marriage. If you don’t know … then.. you don’t leave…. SimplesI can think of as many reasons to leave a marriage, as to stay in one. However, the reasons to stay may be more compelling than the reasons to leave. How compelling those reasons are, depends largely on culture and economics. Same as the reasons for getting married in the first place. That is the simple answer! The rest is just detail and personality.
I'm not sure I'd want to see a formula for marriage "success". It would depress me and make me realize that my own marriage falls way short of those standards.
After 39 years, I expect it will be till death do us part.
We know better than to consider walking a camino together!
Maybe the "C" in my forum name stands for "Cynic".
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