Social anxiety

[Vetzrah]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

 

[Pathfinder075]

Enjoy your walk. Converse with people you want to converse with or don't.

I have social anxiety disorder. I literally can not talk to people around say a table unless i know them. To bring words to my mouth in a group setting requires me to be drunk or be medicated. In short I don't do it often. Talking to randoms while walking, I can do that, but still not easy. I don't make friends on Camino, hell I don't make friends in general life either. I've tried over the years, but it's something I have never achieved in the close to 50 years I've been on this planet. So I gave up trying and moved on. Found out why i couldn't do it just before the pandemic. Knowing why didn't change anything.

My suggestion is to go enjoy your Camino. While being sociable is the norm for some people, for others it isn't. As long as you enjoy yourself, who cares how many people you talk to. If someone invites you to join them, then do so, beyond that it's up to you how much you want to interact.

 

[SabsP]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

Be true to yourself.
Do what you feel most comfortable with.

I personally never understood the concept of a " Camino family " which is quite an artificial and limiting concept IMO . Family I have at home and Camino buddies I may or not meet and form a bond with.

The only suggestion I have is trying to find a connection with another single, more introvert fellow pilgrim.
That worked for me.Maybe invite him or her to share a meal ?

 

[Bradypus]

My suggestion is to go enjoy your Camino. While being sociable is the norm for some people, for others it isn't.

I think I am quite similar to you in my difficulty in social settings - though perhaps not quite to the same degree. I am much happier walking at quiet times of year when there are fewer people to interact with. I do enjoy the odd conversation with interesting company but I do not set out with the aim of joining in social groups or - horror! - a "Camino family". It is crass and insensitive to persist in an attempt to draw someone into a social relationship when they are uncomfortable and in need of solitude. My own opinion is that we are not obliged to entertain our fellow pilgrims and should not feel guilty in preferring our own company. Though that may seem to go against the grain in the popular understanding of walking the Camino. That movie has a lot to answer for....

 

[Peterexpatkiwi]

@Vetzrah , just be yourself. This is your Camino.
I'm 'individually social ', i.e. I can generally talk to almost any individual, anywhere, anytime. But forming relationships is a whole different story. And group's - yeesh. I'm that guy on the edge, wanting to talk to someone but they're already occupied... . Parties are a nightmare.
On Camino I'm just me. Sometimes I walk for hours with someone, talking to a practical stranger about things that I would struggle to discuss with a friend. Or simply lending a listening ear.
At other's, I walk alone.
Evenings, if I'm invited to join people, I generally do. Occasionally it just happens naturally. You wave/ smile/ nod politely at someone you spent 5 minutes with two days ago, and the next thing you're eating dinner with them. But I can eat alone, too.
The most important thing is being comfortable with yourself. If that occasionally means getting a private room, picking up a prepackaged salad and some crackers and fruit and eating dinner in your room, then do it.
On both my Caminos I ended up part of a small group. They were wonderful people. But there were many times that I walked/ate/ even stayed alone. I never discussed it with them, I just did it.
They accepted it.
Don't try and force yourself into doing something your uncomfortable with. That's a guaranteed way to ruin your Camino. Remember, we all say ' listen to your body'.
But equally important is to listen to your heart

 

[mspath]

Check out this earlier thread to read how others deal with connecting or not with people on the camino.

​

 

[Annw]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable.... Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip?

Since you asked for tips, I will share that both from personal and professional (psychologist) experience and knowledge, exposure therapy is the surest way to reduce anxiety, including social anxiety. If you gut it out the first few times you say hello, introduce yourself, ask "Mind if I sit here?" or equivalent, it will get easier. I could go on rather longer on this topic, but preceding point is the essence of it. Sending you warmest wishes for a gratifying Camino.

 

[KJFSophie]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

@Vetzrah
When it comes to anxiety, consider the three main causes 1) having expectations that ultimately don't go as expected ( both of others and for situations ) 2) trying to control things we really have no control over, and 3) MSU ....( making 'stuff' up )

Taken one at a time: 1) Lessen the expectation that one should or will form a friendship/relationship while walking...letting go of the expectation releases you from pressure of thinking there's something wrong if it doesn't happen. 2) We have zero control over how others respond to us. We really don't know what thoughts/emotions others are experiencing at any given time. All you can do is smile and relax and make yourself approachable. ( you might offer another a seat, a candy, a smile...sometimes its all it takes )
3) most importantly, no MSU...We are our own worst enemy when we imagine others are uncomfortable or judging us as weird when we really have no proof of that ...it's a thought of our own creation and likely not accurate.

I don't think you should 'just not care'...be yourself without expectation, without trying to control the response of another, without making stuff up that may not be factual...the right people will come along. There are no coincidences on the camino...nothing is random. You will meet who you are intended to meet.
Breathe and smile...sending you a hug {{{{{Sophie }}}}}}

 

[Kiwi-family]

"being weird and making others uncomfortable" assumes others are paying attention to you - and as good friend of mine is prone to say "people think about you way less than you think they do or would like them to"!!

 

[Ricardo Moretti]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

Walk an additional 5 to 10 km tomorrow and, after which, you will be too tired to care. Or make a friend and focus on that. Or read and plan for the next day. Or read self help or fiction....whatever it takes to keep your mind busy from overthinking the situation and creating distorted thoughts. The Feel Good Handbook and other literature may help. Be well and keep smiling. Buen Camino.

 

[TravellingMan22]

"being weird and making others uncomfortable" assumes others are paying attention to you - and as good friend of mine is prone to say "people think about you way less than you think they do or would like them to"!!

I think this is very true. To them, just a person at the dinner table, who will likely be just a memory in a few days.

My friend always says ‘don’t worry too much about being being popular as the attendance at your funeral depends on the weather’.

 

[Vetzrah]

I appreciate all the helpful feedback, I feel much better. I was enjoying my own company while thinking about my life, and it was the stress about ‘performing,’ or being some great funny person that everyone loves which was making me anxious. I’m just going to walk and if I feel like talking or get invited I’ll just be myself- quiet and calm.

 

[trecile]

I appreciate all the helpful feedback, I feel much better. I was enjoying my own company while thinking about my life, and it was the stress about ‘performing,’ or being some great funny person that everyone loves which was making me anxious. I’m just going to walk and if I feel like talking or get invited I’ll just be myself- quiet and calm.

Perfect. Definitely don't try to be something that you aren't.
The people that come on too strong too quickly are the biggest turn off to me. I much prefer getting to know the quiet ones.

 

[JaneyWindsor]

I think the best way to connect with others is to show an interest in them and truly listen to what they say. By asking questions you may uncover some shared interests and then conversation becomes easy and enjoyable for both. Having said that, you may not always (or want to) connect.

 

[TravellingMan22]

I appreciate all the helpful feedback, I feel much better. I was enjoying my own company while thinking about my life, and it was the stress about ‘performing,’ or being some great funny person that everyone loves which was making me anxious. I’m just going to walk and if I feel like talking or get invited I’ll just be myself- quiet and calm.

I like the way you have used the word ‘performing’ here- very insightful. We all have to perform sometimes. at a job interview, meeting a prospective partners parents, but it pays to try and limit it in everyday life!

 

[VNwalking]

The Camino is a place for all of us. You will not be the only quiet person around the table, not at all. You'll see. No performance needed.

 

[David Tallan]

I appreciate all the helpful feedback, I feel much better. I was enjoying my own company while thinking about my life, and it was the stress about ‘performing,’ or being some great funny person that everyone loves which was making me anxious. I’m just going to walk and if I feel like talking or get invited I’ll just be myself- quiet and calm.

One of the blessings of a Camino is the opportunity to step out of the roles and expectations of our everyday life and just be ourselves. Don't squander it by taking on a role and new expectations.

 

[Debora]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable….

There’s a saying… in our 20s we worry about what people are saying about us — in our 40s we don’t care what anyone is saying about us — and in our 60s we realize no one was saying anything about us. Just have fun - no one will force you to join in and very unlikely anyone would think you’re “weird”.

 

[MichelleElynHogan]

Breathe...consciously, deeply.

 

[lisagb]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

Oh I do hear you. I felt it too. Most of the time I hiked by myself which I quite enjoyed, and I did much better when I brought my Kindle the second time I hiked, so I could read at night before I went to sleep and that helped a lot. If I ran into the same people on the trail more than once or twice I did make an effort to chat and it always was good. In fact I am friends with two of them to this day. Big hugs! The pros are still more than the cons

 

[Bajka 17]

Cześć,

Mam pytanie dotyczące tworzenia relacji/czucia się bardziej komfortowo. Wiedziałem, że kiedy leciałem do Europy, miałem umiarkowany niepokój społeczny, ale zakładałem, że będzie dobrze i przez większość czasu tak było. Jednak kiedy dochodzi do nawiązywania przyjaźni lub przebywania w hostelach z ludźmi, których spotykasz na szlaku, po prostu nie czuję się komfortowo i czuję, że jestem dziwny i sprawiam, że inni czują się niekomfortowo. Czy ktoś ma wskazówki, jak powinienem podejść do reszty mojej podróży? A może sami to odczuli. Wiem, że powinienem „po prostu nie przejmować się” i „ludzie nie będą pamiętać/nie zauważą”, ale tak naprawdę nie pomogło mi to w przeszłości. W każdym razie jestem otwarty na wysłuchanie wszystkiego, co ktoś ma do powiedzenia.

Nie martw się. Każdy ma swoje tempo i swój sposób postrzegania innych. W czasie mojej podróży [33 dni] spotykałem różnych ludzi, rozmawialiśmy, jak była taka możliwość to szliśmy coś razem zjeść, napić się. Czasami było tak, że spaliśmy w tej samej albergii przez kilka kolejnych nocy. Czasami było tak, że po kilku etapach spotykaliśmy się ponownie. To było miłe. Ale to wszystko było na chwilę, a nie przyjaciele na całe życie. Każdy ma intencję, nie sądzę, aby zawierała trwałe przyjaźnie. Także idź do przodu. Przeżyj Camino. Zapamiętasz na długie lata. U mnie ta nostalgia sprawiła, że za 6 tygodni znów wyruszyłem w drogę. Tym razem z Leonem [niestety nie mam dłuższych wakacji]. Pamiętaj, że ci, którzy wybierają tę drogę, są tacy dziwni. No bo na plaży można leżeć 5 tygodni to zostań w hotelu.

Edit from a Moderator - here's the Google translation.

Don't worry. Everyone has their own pace and their own way of perceiving others. During my trip [33 days] I met different people, we talked, if there was such an opportunity, we went to eat something and drink something together. Sometimes it was that we slept in the same albergia for several consecutive nights. Sometimes it was like that after a few stages we met again. It was nice. But it was all for a while, not friends for life. Everyone has an intention, I don't think it makes lasting friendships. Also go forward. Experience the Camino. You will remember for many years. For me, this nostalgia made me go on the road again in 6 weeks. This time with Leon [unfortunately I don't have longer holidays]. Remember that those who choose this path are so strange. Well, because you can lie on the beach for 5 weeks, stay in a hotel.

 

[SabsP]

Nie martw się. Każdy ma swoje tempo i swój sposób postrzegania innych. W czasie mojej podróży [33 dni] spotykałem różnych ludzi, rozmawialiśmy, jak była taka możliwość to szliśmy coś razem zjeść, napić się. Czasami było tak, że spaliśmy w tej samej albergii przez kilka kolejnych nocy. Czasami było tak, że po kilku etapach spotykaliśmy się ponownie. To było miłe. Ale to wszystko było na chwilę, a nie przyjaciele na całe życie. Każdy ma intencję, nie sądzę, aby zawierała trwałe przyjaźnie. Także idź do przodu. Przeżyj Camino. Zapamiętasz na długie lata. U mnie ta nostalgia sprawiła, że za 6 tygodni znów wyruszyłem w drogę. Tym razem z Leonem [niestety nie mam dłuższych wakacji]. Pamiętaj, że ci, którzy wybierają tę drogę, są tacy dziwni. No bo na plaży można leżeć 5 tygodni to zostań w hotelu.

Hi and welcome here @Bajka 17 . I was able to put your post through google translate and I could fully understand it.
If possible you might want to post in English here in the future seeing this forum is Englishspeaking.

Please do not worry if you make some mistakes. It is all good! Lots of people here are non native English speakers ( like I ) and people are very understanding.

 

[Tony Lenton]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

I have suffered social anxiety at times in my life and it has manifested itself in social and professional environments. I found it eased the pressure I felt if I gently mentioned it to people. I was always anxious that people would notice my nervousness and doing that made it easier. Nobody ever made a negative comment, though virtually everybody said they hadnt noticed. It’s likely others won’t notice but if it makes you feel more comfortable you can always say, “ since so and so I’ve been suffering some anxiety and find these situations difficult.” I hope that makes sense. Most people suffer anxiety of some kind at some stage so don’t isolate yourself or suffer in silence..Good luck..

 

[702Jenn]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

Just here to say that you're not alone. I have social anxiety and one of my biggest concerns on my Camino was staying with other people in albergues. I often felt awkward in the more communal albergues where people were cooking and having dinner together. For the most part, though, other pilgrims just wanted a place to shower and sleep. I didn't really feel pressured into trying to make friends.

I absolutely loved my alone time, wandering the town I was in or finding a place to get a bite on my own. In the end, you'll most likely remember the good times and look back bemusedly on the "bad" (uncomfortable, challenging, learning experience type stuff). Also, the awkward moments make for the funniest and most interesting stories later on. Hang in there and buen camino.

 

[Katykay]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

Set yourself small goals of doable social interactions like smiling at one person a day or saying Buen Camino once a day. If that is not possible is nodding at someone who greets you doable? Set no further expectations for yourself than that. When that feels reasonably comfortable then up the ante.

 

[JabbaPapa]

Welcome to the Way of Saint James !!

 

[henrythedog]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

Compared to some that I’ve spent time with on various routes you’re coming over as well-adjusted and self-aware.

I like to meet people - but on my own terms - and Camino allows you to speed up, slow down or walk at someone else’s pace; and it’s normal.

 

[mike105]

Vetzrah, can I just say, please don't underestimate your contributions. I think you started one of the best threads I've read in a long time. The replies were thoughtful and interesting, and best of all, not judgemental. Enjoy your camino. And please, appreciate yourself.

 

[DwainS]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

I mentioned on this forum before I left on my camino this past May-June that I was 64 and a little bit shy about meeting new people. Well after my first day walking I was ready to go out for dinner in Burguete and this married couple from Ecuador said do you mind if we join you. It was a great, sort of put me in the right frame of mind the first night. Next night was my first communal meal, again got me used to talking to strangers. Two nights later I recognized a guy I seen walking from the day before, he was looking at a menu outside a bar and I said do you mind if I join you for dinner. I could not believe I asked a stranger to join him for dinner. Again, what a great dinner and from then on everything just seemed to fall into place. After that I felt way more relaxed talking to people and did not have just one group of people I walked with but many different groups along the way and felt completely comfortable with all of them. That's one of the ways the Camino changed me.

 

[Pathfinder075]

Set yourself small goals of doable social interactions like smiling at one person a day or saying Buen Camino once a day. If that is not possible is nodding at someone who greets you doable? Set no further expectations for yourself than that. When that feels reasonably comfortable then up the ante.

This is highly recommended. I mean just "Buen Camino" with a nod, to other walkers. I also tend to say (for right or wrong) Buenos Dias to local people, especially if they said it first. The younger ones tend to reply with Hola, but the older people tend to reciprocate with the more formal greeting. Whether this can be termed as beating social anxiety or just being polite, i don't know. But I do it regardless. Also when walking in the UK (but in English obviously).

 

[scaepio]

Vetzrah, can I just say, please don't underestimate your contributions. I think you started one of the best threads I've read in a long time. The replies were thoughtful and interesting, and best of all, not judgemental. Enjoy your camino. And please, appreciate yourself.

I agree, this is a good topic. I have been watching videos of communal meals and social get-togethers on the Camino. These videos of group social situations cause me to get a pit in my stomach, one of dread and anxiety. I am not shy, but can get very uncomfortable in groups. I'm glad this topic was broached, that so many have offered encouraging words, and that I can see that I am not alone.

 

[Christer]

I appreciate all the helpful feedback, I feel much better. I was enjoying my own company while thinking about my life, and it was the stress about ‘performing,’ or being some great funny person that everyone loves which was making me anxious. I’m just going to walk and if I feel like talking or get invited I’ll just be myself- quiet and calm.

And, also, please remember, what others think of you is none of your business.

 

[vwzoo]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

I feel just like you do. I walked the Camino Frances in Sept of 2018. I don't handle crowded situations well. Getting stuck in the middle of a crowded table leaves me not really able to breath. I just want to escape. I absolutely love one on one or a couple people chatting. Walking and talking with people from all over the world was fantastic. The tips I used my therapist suggested. Always get to a situation early before your walking into the crowd, the people one by one fill the space around you so you can acclimate. Use grounding techniques when stressed. I always left early about 5:30 AM and I always checked into albergues early about the time they opened and offered beds. I had a wonderful life changing experience on the Camino. You can do this. Meeting the people was part of the joy for me but the idea of a Camino family was too much. Do it and enjoy it. You need to take care of yourself first in social situations. There is so many other people for everyone to meet so don't worry about what others think they will find someone else. Maybe easier said than done, but the energy of the Camino will help guide you and find your way. The being only spiritual moments truly changed my life. The predawn sky exploded with stars, and watching the sun rise walking alone while my feet crutched along with every step was like my conversation God.

 

[Vetzrah]

Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a resounding response to this topic, I have enjoyed reading everyone’s post. I suppose an update to my situation- I began to accept that I’m introverted which took a lot of weight off my shoulders. It’s okay to be quiet and reserved with your emotions, and it doesn’t mean you are a boring or mean person.
A person with whom I had an awkward/uncomfortable encounter in a hostel blossomed into what I would consider a friendship after I relaxed internally. All of a sudden I was capable of speaking full sentences instead of ‘wow’ or ‘nice’ and enjoyed myself. I had a great dinner and church service in a donativo and even read a few things in front of the church when they asked for volunteers. I haven’t invited anyone to eat or anything- that still scares the heck out of me, but maybe I’ll get there sometime. I still have about 20-25 days left before Santiago.

 

[VNwalking]

I still have about 20-25 days left before Santiago

Buen camino, @Vetzrah !
Beautiful.
Just know there are probably as many introverts out there as there are people who revel in Camino families (shudder... ). There are lots of kindred spirits walking with you.

 

[Former member 104756]

Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a resounding response to this topic, I have enjoyed reading everyone’s post. I suppose an update to my situation- I began to accept that I’m introverted which took a lot of weight off my shoulders. It’s okay to be quiet and reserved with your emotions, and it doesn’t mean you are a boring or mean person.
A person with whom I had an awkward/uncomfortable encounter in a hostel blossomed into what I would consider a friendship after I relaxed internally. All of a sudden I was capable of speaking full sentences instead of ‘wow’ or ‘nice’ and enjoyed myself. I had a great dinner and church service in a donativo and even read a few things in front of the church when they asked for volunteers. I haven’t invited anyone to eat or anything- that still scares the heck out of me, but maybe I’ll get there sometime. I still have about 20-25 days left before Santiago.

Wow to you, @Vetzrah And bravo. As the response to your post shows - lots of people either have similar feelings or can empathise.

Just know there are probably as many introverts out there as there are people who revel in Camino families

And yes to this! I can still recall the first time about a week in to my first Camino (solo in 2011) when I approached a 'group' to ask if I could join them to eat dinner. I'd been at communal meals, but even then I mostly kept myself 'to the side'. I was happy walking mostly by myself, but I really felt like having some company on that evening. I felt sick in the stomach approaching the group (I think I'd been working myself up to doing something 'radical' like that for a few days). They welcomed me and I soon discovered that they were not 'a group' at all - or a 'camino family' - just some random singles and two couples who happen to have met that afternoon. As the days and weeks went by I found it easier to connect with people for a few minutes, a few hours, a day or sometimes longer. But I still very much enjoyed the time spent on my own.

Buen Camino!

 

[TashH]

Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a resounding response to this topic, I have enjoyed reading everyone’s post. I suppose an update to my situation- I began to accept that I’m introverted which took a lot of weight off my shoulders. It’s okay to be quiet and reserved with your emotions, and it doesn’t mean you are a boring or mean person.
A person with whom I had an awkward/uncomfortable encounter in a hostel blossomed into what I would consider a friendship after I relaxed internally. All of a sudden I was capable of speaking full sentences instead of ‘wow’ or ‘nice’ and enjoyed myself. I had a great dinner and church service in a donativo and even read a few things in front of the church when they asked for volunteers. I haven’t invited anyone to eat or anything- that still scares the heck out of me, but maybe I’ll get there sometime. I still have about 20-25 days left before Santiago.

Thank you so much for your post and to everyone who has replied. I am also more introverted in nature and am nervous about how this will affect my Camino. I have received great comfort from everyone’s responses. I wish you all the best on your journey.

 

[henrythedog]

Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a resounding response to this topic, I have enjoyed reading everyone’s post. I suppose an update to my situation- I began to accept that I’m introverted which took a lot of weight off my shoulders. It’s okay to be quiet and reserved with your emotions, and it doesn’t mean you are a boring or mean person.
A person with whom I had an awkward/uncomfortable encounter in a hostel blossomed into what I would consider a friendship after I relaxed internally. All of a sudden I was capable of speaking full sentences instead of ‘wow’ or ‘nice’ and enjoyed myself. I had a great dinner and church service in a donativo and even read a few things in front of the church when they asked for volunteers. I haven’t invited anyone to eat or anything- that still scares the heck out of me, but maybe I’ll get there sometime. I still have about 20-25 days left before Santiago.

As an introvert on the Camino you’re in good company (although spaced out at respectful 10 meter intervals). Maybe just regard yourself as thoughtful. I’m pleased you’re having a good time. It’s a great opportunity to just go with the flow with potential friends who you may only meet once.

 

[SarahTheKiwi]

Thank you for your post Vetzrah. You are not alone, and also well done for confronting your fears by getting out into the big wide world! I'm a sociable introvert - quiet by nature, prefer one on one company, struggle in large groups. Some people suck the energy out of me, then I need alone time (then I get anxious that I'm alone!) I'm more comfortable with my own company as I've matured. My first Camino in April 2024 will certainly be a learning experience and I'm trying to have no expectations and keep an open mind.

 

[Bajka 17]

Cześć i witaj tutaj @Bajka 17 . Udało mi się umieścić Twój post w tłumaczu Google i mogłem go w pełni zrozumieć.
Jeśli to możliwe, w przyszłości możesz chcieć pisać tutaj po angielsku, ponieważ to forum jest anglojęzyczne.

Nie martw się, jeśli popełnisz jakieś błędy. Wszystko jest dobrze! Wiele osób tutaj nie mówi po angielsku (tak jak ja), a ludzie są bardzo wyrozumiali.

Thanks for the info.

 

[farahc]

I often felt awkward in the more communal albergues where people were cooking and having dinner together.

I'm glad you mentioned these two things specifically because I think these would be the two things that would be most awkward for me. Too much sensory overload and feeling like I have to keep a conversation going with the people seated next to me who I probably won't be able to hear too well bc of too much ambient noise. Like some, I'm ok with 1:1 or small group interactions, but in a big group, I'm always wondering why I'm even there bc it feels like work. Anyway, thanks @Vetzrah for bringing up this issue.

 

[C clearly]

I have a question about forming relationships

Perhaps it would help to try to let go of expectations about "forming relationships" and joining a family. On one of my first Caminos, I found myself in a developing "family" that even seemed to have various stereotypical roles at the core - the parent/leaders, and the more junior dependents. But most of us were like eccentric aunts and uncles or distant cousins. I was a distant cousin and deliberately chose to drop out of the picture, because even being on the edge of the group affected the dynamics of my journey too much and fueled my own insecurities. I didn't want to feel like I was on a high school field trip - I didn't do well with those groups in high school, and I don't do well with them now, ove 50 years later!

The Camino is a place where ephemeral relationships are the norm. It seems a little sad at times, but I have learned that those fleeting relationships are beautiful and satisfying in their own way.

It’s okay to be quiet and reserved with your emotions, and it doesn’t mean you are a boring or mean person.

So true. When you start to compare yourself unfavourably with others, it helps to remind yourself of the ways in which you know that you are successful and happy.

I soon discovered that they were not 'a group' at all - or a 'camino family' - just some random singles and two couples who happen to have met that afternoon.

This is very true. Those apparent "family' groups are usually not the tight cliques they might look like. (Even if they are, the Camino is a place where you can easily drop in and out of step with other pilgrims.) Generally groups are temporary, in flux, probably including several people who are just as uncomfortable as you imagine you would be.

I'm glad to read that you are now settling into the Camino more comfortably!

 

[Annw]

"- I began to accept that I’m introverted which took a lot of weight off my shoulders. "

So many of us are! Framing things differently can help enormously.

One great source is Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.

She has TED talks as well. Worth the ten minutes for a talk if not the whole book.

 

[Dave J]

Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a resounding response to this topic, I have enjoyed reading everyone’s post. I suppose an update to my situation- I began to accept that I’m introverted which took a lot of weight off my shoulders. It’s okay to be quiet and reserved with your emotions, and it doesn’t mean you are a boring or mean person.
A person with whom I had an awkward/uncomfortable encounter in a hostel blossomed into what I would consider a friendship after I relaxed internally. All of a sudden I was capable of speaking full sentences instead of ‘wow’ or ‘nice’ and enjoyed myself. I had a great dinner and church service in a donativo and even read a few things in front of the church when they asked for volunteers. I haven’t invited anyone to eat or anything- that still scares the heck out of me, but maybe I’ll get there sometime. I still have about 20-25 days left before Santiago.

Hello Vetzrah. I am also introverted, tend toward shyness and can come across (in my eyes) as serious. I’ve walked two Caminos now and have met people on each. Over the years I have learned a few tricks that I will share. First was that a smile is often enough. Second was when entering a group setting, to pause, look for the most uncomfortable looking person in the room and to go stand by them… Especially if I recognize them somehow. My third trick is to ask questions, especially simple ones. I find extroverts out number us and they will always talk in reply. My biggest change happened at 60 during my touring about Ireland before starting my first Camino. It was the year after my wife died. During that time of travelling by myself, I went from being lonely, to being alone, to being happily alone. Then on my first night in SJPdP, I met a few extroverts who didn’t care that I was introverted… they talked and I listened. As they say, the Camino provides. Enjoy your last 20 or so days, be open and smile. “Buen Camino”.

 

[WGroleau]

However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable.

Unless you really want to meet a lot of people, just wait for someone else to initiate a conversation. Because that is almost guaranteed to happen along the way. And when it does, just be yourself.

 

[sunflowers]

Thank you for all the thoughtful posts and affirming us quiet ones out there. I am solitary by nature--on the Camino and "real" life.

What I value about walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostela is that it invites introspection; the walking itself is meditative and the array of churches, cathedrals, and the living principles of donativo albergue, are reminders of ancient traditions and practices. The history of pilgrimage is alive on the Camino routes...

As many have wisely written, there is no "right" way.
I enjoy my own company and I have found this simple awareness, and appreciation lessens the expectations I have of other people. If I am more at peace inside, then I am more relaxed in the big world.

I do not always feel comfortable, I have just grown more at ease around being comfortable in the discomfort (if this makes sense). Accepting myself, without harsh judgment, is key. The black sheep of the family is an adage that has lasted through time.
And not MSU...! yep, that is key too

I wish you a fulfilling Way
Buen Camion

 

[ForrestUS]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

I unfortunately have the same issues as yourself. I bicycled the Camino Francis in 2018 instead of walking for medical reasons. I stayed in Albergues that also had private rooms or a hotel on occasion for this exact reason. It can be a tough disease to along with being very draining at times. Though I have no answers for your plight please understand you're not alone. There are others like yourself just do the best you can

 

[JanieB]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

I too seem to find 'making friends' more challenging than most. I don't know if it is of any value for you but what has helped me enormously - and I wish I had discovered it years ago - is coming across 'Nonviolent Communication'. This consciousness has given me the tools to remain myself and true to my values yet still create connection and avoid the disconnection with others that used to drag me down. In case it is useful, here is a brief and rather delightful intro.

 

[Damien Reynolds]

Hello,

I have a question about forming relationships/being more comfortable. I knew that I had moderate social anxiety when I flew to Europe but I assumed I would be fine, and for the most part I have been. However, when it has come to making friends or staying in hostels with people you meet on the trail I just can’t seem to feel comfortable and feel like I’m being weird and making others uncomfortable. Does anyone have tips about how I should approach the rest of my trip? Or maybe has felt this themselves. I know I should ‘just not care’ and ‘people won’t remember/don’t notice’ but that hasn’t really helped me in the past. Anyways I’m open to hearing anything anyone has to say.

I feel this way every time. What I realize tho is I am the best person I can be (which isn't much) walking the way. I make a practice to be who I am unconditionally. It's then I find I meet friends, everyone has the same fears and most are so into themselves they won't even notice your social missteps. Those missteps are only in your mind BTW. The Germans have a good saying... "kopfino". It's "mind cinema". I relate.